It sounds as if everyone is enabling him to screw up! I have two son's that are 19 & 21 and it is harder to raise a son with no dad involved. I had a hell of a time with my son's. I am still dealing with my 19 year old. Sometimes, it takes tough love and parenting out of guilt is only making things worse for him. It's also tough because, depending on your state, he may already be considered an 'adult' but he doesn't have the skills to act as one.

He tells her she doesn't care about his grades because he knows it will make her feel guilty. If my son told me that, First, I'd tell him that "NO, YOU don't care about your education." as evidenced by his grades. He cares about sports, how can he play with failing grades? Secondly, he has no business with a car if he isn't getting good grades or working. What is his incentive to do better? He has a car, cell phone & is going to the school where he can participate in sports and there is absolutely NO responsibility on his shoulders for his behavior?

What I see happening is your SS is going to be 25 or 30 and sleeping until noon while your wife takes care of her baby... he'll have some other reason he can't work. you will be frustrated (if you are still there) and he will blame everyone else for his life problems.

Personally, I'd tell him he's 18. He can get a job and pay for his own insurance, gas money, etc. and his own night classes. I assume he can go to the adult school for free (or alternative school) and if he doesn't graduate with his class, he can graduate the next year. That's the natural consequence for getting failing grades. He is being rewarded by getting his mom (and you) to pay for night classes so he can play his sport and graduate on time. Tell mom to STOP ENABLING HER SON.

I have tried to tell her stop enabling him, but she says I don't love him and I'm not his mother so I wouldn't understand. I don't like seeing my wife cry and really think a lot of my problems stem from hearing all about my SS and his problems and how can we help solve them. We have another son at home and I see the exact same attitude sometimes from him. Getting them to do chores or anything else is immpossible. We were moving in January to TN. now we have to make sure SS finishes school and can take care of himself before that happens. I figure everyones life is on hold until then, and it really p's me off. Do you think it's possible I'm jealous because as a teen I NEVER got anything from my parents. No car, no phone, my childhood was pretty independent. When my mother died (12yo) I was adopted by my 65 year old grandparents and they were pretty much if you have food and shelter thats all you need. My wife had it better she paid half of her car but maintained the upkeep, and had a job as well. How did we not pass our hard work ethics onto our kids? I appreciate everyones comments, it really helps to have people that have been here.

The work ethic problem isn't limited to stepkids, it's a societal problem in general. I'm sure there are kids out there that are doing great, but there are too many 'slackers' than say, a decade or two ago. As parents, we want to give our kids more than we had... make life easier but we've also done a disservice to the youth with all our new technologies (and some old ones). Think about everything we do in life that makes it easier than us or our parents or grandparents. Microwaves, cell phones, dvr, computers, etc. Things are continually coming out or being improved to make life easier, get things done faster and we have to do less, hardly any effort. I think technology is great but the price for it seems to be a generation of kids that expect more for doing less. My son told me he couldn't get a job because we live too far and he needs a car. He wanted me to buy him a car. When I was 16, I had two jobs & no car. I paid a couple dollars for a ride in the morning (at 6am) to my first job and walked across town (about four miles) to my second job. Then walked home. (another five or six miles) unless I found someone going that way... and I always paid a couple dollars for gas. I only had those jobs for a few months but I never made excuses for not being able to work.. unless I just had surgery or other medical problem.

Could you be jealous? Maybe. I am envious of the lifestyle the kids today seem to have sometimes. When I was dropping my kids off at high school because they didn't want to ride the bus, I'd see all the new cars in the student parking lot. When I went to high school, if you had a car, it was a beater that you had to save all summer to buy yourself. Today, parents give their kids a brand new car... a better one than I drive and I drive a nice car. No teenager NEEDS to have a BMW. Well, maybe Paris Hilton when she was a teen. That's another story I guess. If the kids are doing EVERYTHING they are supposed to, then yeah... reward that with a nicer car or gadgets, but not if they are slacking.

Unfortunately, if you are planning to move in a month, that's probably not enough time for a kid to get it all together and take care of themselves. If you are moving in a year, that's might be enough time but mom has to step back and let her son's experience the consequences of their actions. Otherwise, they may never get the skills they need to be independent. It will be worse if they latch onto a woman and continue being a bum... making kids in the process.

When I was young (high school age) if my grades ever dropped I was not allowed to participate in any school activities. Why is the school allowing him to wrestle with such poor grades?

Indiana syas you only have to 5 of 7 classes and D's are passing. Besides if we were to remove him from wrestling then I'd be an ass and I'd have more issues when he moves back home every 2 months.
I really do try to put up with all this but it is such a strain on everybody when he's around and my wife and I constantly fight about him. When he's not around then everything is peaceful and calm.
I did forget to mention he likes to feel as if he controls the entire house. He has laughed at his mom while she was crying and told her he controls everytthing she does and if she kicked him out she would only geg him back home like every other time.

Steve, I'm sorry. But it sounds like there aren't any consequences in your household. If my dd age 6 doesn't do her homework, she can't do her afterschool activity. Same with her "chores". If he wants to wrestle and go to school and have a car and a cell phone he'll have to figure out how to make that work. His bad grades are only your responsibility insofar as you stood by while they continued to downward spiral out of control.

A few months is not enough to get him ready to be an adult. You shouldn't remove him from wrestling, but I wouldn't pay for his night school. Only if his grades improved, or some other criteria were met would I begin helping to pay again. It's time for tough love.

Him treating his mother like that is unacceptable. If he doesn't work, he doesn't need a car. As for wrestling like a normal teen, there's no such thing as normal. June is 6 months away. He will have a rude awakening then, won't he?

If my grades dropped while I was in school all extracurriculars, phone and car priveledges were GONE untill I got them back up. Grades need to be number one. Mom is handicapping her own son by allowing him to ultimatly FAIL but continuously bail him out.

If she isn't real careful she'll have a 30 year old living at home not working and expecting her to continue paying his car, insurance and phone bill while supplying him with food and a roof. You see it all the time on this board. Adult children who feel the parents OWE them something. Not good for her, you or the boy.

When did SS turn 18? This school year? If that is so, how can you "We were moving in January to TN. now we have to make sure SS finishes school and can take care of himself before that happens." in the middle of the school year anyway?

If that is his mothers outlook on all this, then there is no wonder why he is this way. She (and you by extension) have an obligation to get your kids through high school. That should be the main priority, not extra curriculars and cars and such. Or how the parents can move and leave their high school kid behind. Sure, he is 18 but thank goodness my dad just didn't up and leave my senior year when I turned 18. I don't see how you can resent not being able to move or how this would even become a plan???

There seems to be a big "failure to launch" epidemic in this country. We are keeping our kids in a kid-like state well into their 20's and 30's. There are no consequences anymore. I don't even see this as an absent parent situation. I'm seeing this with intact families as well.

It might not actually work out with your wife. If it were me, I'd let her handle all of the parenting issues with SS. Let her decide about the wrestling etc...but, I would also separate some of my own money from hers. If you keep joint accounts, I'd make a separate account. That way you would feel like you had some control over a portion of your life. Maybe she won't want to pay for his insurance etc...if she was solely responsible for those things.

I'm considering getting out of a long-term relationship because of a similar dynamic.

nivea
We planned on moving from Indiana where the economy has been bad to TN. so I can finish be teaching degree.Myy SS's father was in the picture fo 2 monthes then he moved to Virginia. So, it's not like we were abondaning him, were still here waiting. To really understand the situation you would need to live it. SS got kicked out of school, decided to get GED then last minute wants to be normal teen after all the self-inflicted i9ssues he's put himself in. Now, mommy and stepdad should once again pickup the pieces. I'm tired of his BS and the fact he doesn't respect his mother. I can careless if he likes me, but he needs some life lessons without all the bailouts.

I agree, you have to be there to really experience it.

But I don't get why Mom would expect bio dad to be an awesome father after 18 years and then she can move to help you? That doesn't make sense to me and probably doesn't make sense to SS either. And I can see that having some underlying issues with SS.

Unfortunately, as an 18 year old in high school I don't see life lessons without bailouts as an option. I think the degree that parents set their children up for success will determine the childs outcome, and it starts young. I do think that you have a case of a parenting issue gone wrong a long time ago and now SS will have to undo most of it in the next couple of years. He will have life lessons without bailouts as most people do, but I have to say that he can thank his parenting for that.

As usual, its a parent/spouse problem not a child.

While I personally agree with what you have to say, your wife obviously doesn't. Only you know what you can & can't deal with, and for how long. Maybe counseling would help? I would absolutely have seperate finances though. In fact, I do, for those reasons. I have 3 grown kids (22,23,24), my SO has 1 (22). My kids all paid/pay their own way through college, live on their own, and pay all their own expenses. They never had cells until the were 18 & bought their own. I will help them in an emergency, but only an emergency. Otherwise, I show them how to cut unneccessary expenses from their budget to find the money they need. SO's daughter is still 2 years from her 4 year degree, lives in a dorm, drives the car SO bought & pays to maintain & run - including gas. Her mom pays all her other expenses, as she doesn't like to work. I refuse to have my money, go to enable her, so we have seperate finances. I wont even loan SO money if it is going to be used to spoil/enable SD. I do this, because it is the only way to keep from feeling resentful over how he throughs cash at SD. Not my money, not my problem - but, I do have the advantage of not having to LIVE with it!! Good luck to you!!!!!!:-)

He's Baaaack. This time he promises to stay and go by the rules which were broken in the first hour. He has no place to go and needs to eat all the food use all the luxories and do nothing but be a rude 18 and a half year old mooch. My wife, his mother has told him to go but he won't. What is a step dad to do?

It's up to your wife to enforce the rules and he isn't listening to her, probably because he doesn't take her seriously. If she has been inconsistent with him in the past, he has learned mom won't follow through... or maybe she will, maybe she won't. Then, he'll try to guilt trip her with "if you love me....." or "but I'm your son...." and he won't take her seriously until she proves to him that she means business.

I have two sons... my older son (now 22 in a couple of weeks) came back several times from 18-21, saying he would follow the rules, get a job, etc. They will say whatever they need to get in the door, then they regress into old habits. Your wife and stepson have a history of interacting like this before you came along... it didn't just happen. Now that she has you to be a support and back her up, she is telling him to leave and he isn't taking her seriously. I had the same problem because I wasn't as consistent with my boys as I should have been.

I do have a problem with treating the age 18 as 'magical' and saying, 'you're 18 so you're an adult... figure it out!' when the parent(s) haven't prepared the child to be an adult by 18. My husband also has in his head that since my son is 19, he should be like he was at 19... but I have to remind him that my son didn't live the life he did, he didn't have the parent's he did, and I messed up. I didn't prepare my son like I should have and my rule with my kids is 'when you start acting like an adult, I'll start treating you like an adult.' My older son moved out, got married, joined the military and is expecting his first child. Before that, he was living in his own apartment because he didn't want to live under my rules, but he was calling me for help all the time. I still didn't feel he was an independent 'adult'. Now, my 19 year old is in college (but told a relative he's only in school because he'll have to move out if he isn't & he has no place to go) and my husband is annoyed by that. As his mom, I don't care WHY he's in school, as long as he is learning something that will help him in the future. He is doing what I expect of him because I finally stood up & told them both I had enough. He saw his brother move out & how hard it was to be on his own. He still tries to give me a hassle every now and then, but seeing his brother's situation where I remained very consistent, showed him that I mean business when I tell him something. I brought home a couple of moving boxes and told him that I don't want to kick him out, I want him to be ready when he leaves, but if he isn't going to follow the rules, be respectful and work at doing something with his life, then he had to go and I would pack the boxes with his stuff and put them outside. That would be the end of that and he won't be allowed back. He knew I meant it when I said it and he still slacks a little, but when I say 'clean your room', he does it within a day or so. It has worked out better if my husband stays out of it since my son resents ANYTHING my husband says, just because. My husband has never done anything to make my son not like him but I guess that since my husband came along, I have become more consistent in my rules and following through with what I say. My son prefers to have a doormat for a mother but I know that in the long run, that is not going to do him any good. He needs to grow up and be a man. As a single mother, he didn't have a man to teach him about that & I also overcompensated (guilt parenting) for him not having a dad.

Steve,

I agree with the others that it is the parent's responsibility to set up a child for success and a high school diploma is the minimum for that even though he is 18. However, all of the other stuff he doesn't have to have and you and your wife need to pull the plug.

If he has time to wrestle, then he has time for a job. Barely making it through school, all of the privileges need to be gone. That is on you and your wife, not the kid, he is going to ride the wave as long as he can. Put your foot down, why should you pay for night school when he can go to alternative school which is what he has earned? Who cares if he says his mother doesn't care about his education, it's not true and kids say what they have to to get what they want.

He will turn out like my SS29, doesn't work, hasn't completed his education, sleeps until noon with two kids if you and your DW aren't more firm with him now. Convinced DH and BM to foot the bill for optometry training at a vocational college and then never went on any interviews for a job in that field. Blew off an interview I set up for him a Lenscrafters. It was just a dodge and it sounds like your SS is pulling the same kind of stuff.

You don't have to put up with it.

i think i would pay for the schooling if he is making an effort regarding his school work and i would cut other expenses, stop unnecessary expenses like the cell and limit driving. as far as the divorce thing goes, i think that is where you are heading if YOU can't adjust to the way it is, because it wont' end with graduation and after he leaves home. i have had 30 years experience walking in your shoes, it never changed. our problem with money and our kids went on until they were approaching 50 years of age. then i caught my SD trying to borrow money after my husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. i put the money in my name and put him on as beneficary in case i died first. i really don' think i would do it again, i lost all respect for him in the end.

steve,
i agree with many posters here. The family is enabling him but that can be fixed.
1. Cut all payments for cell..chuck it in the garbage..
2. Stop paying for car insurance for him
3. Tell him he has to get a part time job. No excuses.
4. No wrestling. Since his grades are crap .
5. Deal breaker: laugh and disrespect your mom again, you will be thrown out on your turd !
He is a young adult.
The problem in the end is your wife. She must be strong to not take him back. Because she's always taken him back.
I have a friend of mine with a kid that was this bad. Especially with the disrespect...they sent him to military school. It changed him...
WHat does his father say now? He's been in jail but is he out?

I love my DD, but if grades were as noted, I would tell her no more sports. Actually I am shocked school allows. I am also curious -- is he taking 7 coureses or were these grades for the year, with some one semester courses. That seems to me like a very heavy schedule -- which some children can handle, and some cant.

Has your wife met with guidance counselor to get handle on problem? Is he not capable? Is he not trying?

As to car insurance -- if you cut that, make absotuely certian neither you nor wife have any liablity.

Soon after I turned 18, my parents filed a missing persons report on me because I just disappeared one day. I wasn'tupset with anyone, didn't say goodbye to anyone, take any clothes or anything else with me either, I just didn't come home one day so they were actually afraid I had been abducted/killed.

No, it's just that I had never been to Florida before. This was the 70s and I just happened to meet some nice "hippies" in a diner one day who were heading that way--and decided to tag along! I had all of $6 dollars in my pocket too! Had them drop me off in Ft. Lauderdale, and had the time of my life!

My mom about had a heart attack when I showed back up home about 8 or 9 months later. Why hadn't I told anyone I was going? Well, I just decided on the spot and there wasn't anyone around to tell. Why didn't I at least call and let them know I was ok? Honestly, never once crossed my mind. Why did I return home? To start college in September! How did I get home? Hitchhiked, of course! Oh yeah, all that went over real big with my parents!

My point here being:

1. Where it comes to irresponsibility, kids today are amateurs.

2. Hard to get a teenager to mind or do his chores? Gee, go figure.

3. At the age of 18, you had a "work ethic"? None of us will ever feel, or look better again than we did at the age of 18, and if you weren't out there having as much fun as I was, you have my sincere sympathies.

As far as wrestling and his grades go, tell me. Have you ever held a job where they actually gave you a grade? I know lots of people who got great grades in school--and failed miserably in their careers, especially those who did nothing but study to get those As. There are many other skills which are not just as important, but even more so for a successful career.

Such as people and management skills, the abilities to: function well as part of a team, to lead the team, to also take instructions and follow, to handle pressure, to meet deadlines, to maintain control under adversity, to accept defeat graciously and vow to do better next time, and to set goals for yourself (and others) and follow a plan to acheive them.

They don't teach these skills in history and english class--but rather they are developed by playing sports. Taking down your opponent in wrestling serves as practice for the day you take down your business competition. Where you learn why 1 player failing to follow instructions can take down the entire team. Who gets to be a player, and who sits on the sidelines. All kinds of important business skills are developed through playing sports. That's no coincidence either, it's the very reason schools offer sports ciriculums in the first place!

In fact, failure to play on sports teams is one of the biggest reasons attributed to women hitting that "glass ceiling" that keeps them out of the upper echelons of TOP management.

So get rid of the cell phone and car instead.

Most teenagers are firmly convinced that adults, in particular their parents are, well, morons. This attitude generally changes shortly after they reach their 20s, and this is nothing new. The author Mark Twain made this observation about his own dad: "When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. When I reached 21 though, I was astonished by how much he had learned in just 7 years!" This type of "belligerant/arrogant" attitude actually assists teens with their transition to adulthood,it is the very thing that compels them to break free from the bonds that kept them dependant on their parents, so they can, and will, fly free from the nest.

Timing is everything though! While they're teetering on the brink on their way out, push them too hard and they may never return to visit or talk to you again. Maybe that would suit you just fine, but doubt your wife would ever be able to get over it, so you also have to decide if you really want her to be unhappy, maybe even hate you and/or end up divorced over it.

I mean, he hasn't even graduated from high school yet, so maybe you should give it a little time before deciding he's going to turn into a 30 year old "mooch".

Best of luck!

Have I held a job where I recieved a grade? No -- except for a performance evalutation. More importantly, in order to get my job, I had to pass a professional examination, and I hope myDD will too. But you're right, if you dont want your child to be a doctor, lawyer, engineer, CPA, nurse, etc, dont worryabout passing tests. Long before any girl has to worry about a glass ceiling, she has to get through college and other tests. This is not a B or C student -- worrying about balance. This is a child who may not graduate high school. I wouldnt write anyone off at 18 (other than maybe an ax murderer), but this child has to turn himself around.

WOW Play sports....End all be all.....My kid was the biggest anti sport kid in the world, a flop, maybe in your books, BUT he has got an award for the biggest award you can get for artisic merit in the real world.. Your kid will probably be done with sports in college, and then what will he or she do......My DH thinks like you do, but I m more inclined to think, brains before brawn.................

Dotz, my DD is captain of a varsity team, having been on the team since 7th grade, and as a senior is so sick of it. But she stays on. Her first choice college doesnt even have this sport.

I agree, there is more than grades. Like reliabiltiy, sticktoitness, getting along with people, creativity, and yes team work. YOu can learn and demonstrate these a number of ways.

Good points KKNY, but will start new thread with question about DD, so as not to hijack this one

"Your kid will probably be done with sports in college, and then what will he or she do......"

dotz,

I dont have kids, I have 2 SDs who played on a number of sports teams in high school, but at 18, they moved out and for the most part, have been making their own way through college, currently working on their undergraduate and graduate degrees, respectively. The oldest is also married and raising a family. My courtesy and civility towards them though is extended solely for my husband's sake, and my desire for his happiness.

I discussed the beneficial business and life skills developed in sports because the OP had stated that his SS was interested in, and wanted to participate in wrestling.

If he instead had said his SS was interested in art, IÂd have discussed the beneficial skills developed in art instead, such as self-discipline, the ability to develop creative approaches to problem solving, to visualize an end result, and translate that vision into reality. ThereÂs a reason high schools offer art curriculums too.

As far as which is better, art or sports? DoesnÂt matter, either one is preferable to the many potential alternatives which could be far worse, such as: breaking and entering, grand theft auto, gang affiliation, teenage pregnancy, alcoholism, drug dealing and/or addictionÂor taking off to hitchhike across the country coast-to-coast, and all over Europe which I actually didÂmultiple times. If you take into consideration all the potential costs of raising a truly "troubled teen", such as legal fees, counseling, rehab, bail money, etc., by comparison, cell phone bills, car insurance, and $200 for a high school diploma instead of a GED doesnÂt sound quite so bad.

On the subject of grades, do you know what they call the medical student who graduates with the lowest grade point average?...Doctor!

Disengaging, thoughtful reply, my gripe is with the talented childs parents who think they are their sport, with no regard to the whole child...

Dotz,

I realize I am the only one who gets critized for hihacking. Too Bad,

Disengaging, that is cute about "doctor", but in order to get into med school one needs pretty good grades. They do matter.

Apologies to Steve, I tried to start a new thread, I m not critical of hijacking, stream of conciousness happens LOL..And even with a Dr, somebody has to graduate in the bottom 10 per cent of the class...:)

You are absolutely right, someone will always be in teh bottem 10% of a class. For those people at the bottem of Harvard Medical School class, they are still likely pretty bright hardworking people. All I ask from my DD is that she do her best.

Disengaging, that is cute about "doctor", but in order to get into med school one needs pretty good grades. They do matter.

Not necessarily. First of all, before you can even apply to medical school, you have to either complete your undergraduate degree, or demonstrate a certain level of maturity and academic acheivement which may enable you to gain "early admission". I don't believe high school grades are even taken into consideration,and there's plenty of time to improve on grades during undergraduate coursework.

Second, my older sister is a doctor, and the highly prestigious university she received her undergraduate degree from didn't HAVE a grading system. It was pass or fail, period! She had no problem getting into medical school, and neither did the over 90% of the other students in her ungraduating class who applied. The stellar reputation of the university, coupled with other factors such as their score on the MCATs, recommendations from professors, and extracirriculum activities, were more than sufficient.

Third, my husband's brother and his new wife are currently attending medical school. His brother's grades? Not so good, but he's been practicing as an RN for many years. That, and his volunteer work as a paramedic, coupled with his MCAT scores, and oh, not only do they live in a remote area where there is a serious shortage of doctors, their medical school is affiliated with the hospital they work at so they got a real sweet deal! Under their agreement, they receive free tuition providing they work for a certain number of years for the hospital following graduation, and if not, or they decide to leave early, they will have to repay at least a potion of the funds expended on their behalf. There's a number of other medical schools offering all kinds of similar opportunities. I understand a brand-new one, I believe in Florida, is currently offering a FREE ride to every single student accepted for their "grand opening" inaugural class.

Fourth, the world is full of crappy undergraduate universities where even a perfect 4.0 won't go very far towards gaining entrance to medical school. Like almost everything else, other factors can be far more important, such as; attending a highly rated university instead, MCAT scores, recommendations from your undergraduate professors and/or respected members of the medical community to demonstrate that you've made a good impression, extracurricular activities such as volunteer work to show your concern for your fellow human beings, preferably also in a medical field to demonstrate your clear interest in your chosen profession, oh, and the ability to interview well as medical schools generally require you to "pass" an interview not only with the entrance committee, but also faculty members and professors as well.

So much for medical school. As far as gaining entrance to other universities? Well...

After returning home from Florida, yeah, I entered college originally intending to become an RN, but after completing my LPN, I realized I wasn't "cut out for it" after a couple of patients I cared about died, so I dropped out and floated all over the country and Europe before deciding to settle down and return to college.

To my surprise, what I discovered is that if you are a mature, "non traditional student" over the age of 25, most universities don't have any "entrance requirements" other than showing up with your high school diploma and checkbook!

Oh, I attended a GREAT university, and during my first year, I also discovered that for "non traditional students" there were so many unused scholarships available, that I never had to pay another penny except for my parking permit!

Should we talk about passing those "professional exams" next? Even better. Forensic accountant, remember? I have a whole string of initials following my name, including, CPA. Do you know that only roughly 12% of all first-time applicants who sit for that exam pass, and only 30% of all applicants EVER pass? I know people who have been trying to pass that exam for over 10 years. That I passed was the biggest shock of my life, and not just because I didn't study, passing was not my goal. I wasn't planning on pursuing an accounting career at the time, my degree's actually in business administration.

I only sat for that exam because the way our professors told us the essays were graded seemed so implausible, I decided to "prove them wrong". So I wrote my essays, intentionally "screwing with them " in ways our professors told us would be completely ignored, while also including the CORRECT answer, and Oh my God, I passed! Guess they were telling the truth after all.

Oh, and the reason I was even able to pass? My parents sent me to all kinds of special classes in their desperate attempt to control my ADD nature. All those speed reading, memorization, focus, concentration and even classes to get me to slow down my speech enough so people could understand me didn't quite have the desired effect, but they did provide me with really good test taking skills.

Steve,

My sincere apologies for the "highjacking" on your thread. No matter what, I promise not to respond any further on your thread.

I believe the average GPA for entrance into med school (and yes I meant undergrad) is about 3.5, always acceptions.