Why does she pull this??

17 years ago

So I asked about MySpace because my darling SD13, who knows without a doubt that she is NOT allowed an account, decided to do one behind our backs and access when at her moms. She told her mom we had said it was okay and of course she didn't think to check with us, even though we had all decided she shouldn't have one.

We found the site about 3 weeks after we set it up and called her out on it while she was at her moms. Mom got 'mad' at her. . . but then took her to a movie and dinner. She came home the following day and (per SD) mom was totally fine with her and told her to "be strong" when she dropped her off. WTH? I don't know if she just doesn't care that her daughter is sneaking and lying, or if she just doesn't want to be the bad guy so she makes DH be the harda$$ and she can be the hero. Either way, what kind of freaking message does that send?

She pulled this a few weeks ago, too. SD got busted for not coming home after a sleep over when she said she would and lying about why. Mom and I spoke and she suggested SD be grounded for two weekends - hers coming up and the following with us. I thought this a little harsh, but understood she didn't want to be the only one to handle the punishment so I agreed to spread it across both parent's weekends. Fast forward to the second weekend, and mom calls while SD is moaning that she's so bored and wished she could go to a friend's. She complains to mom who played the "poor baby - I'm so sorry they won't let you" card. They get off the phone and mom texts SD "Cheer up baby - you'll be here soon." I just about blew, but instead I told SD to pack her bag and I would walk her to her friend's to spend the night. When she asked why I told her the truth - your mom decided this punishment and we agreed to be a good 'team parent' though we thought it a bit much. If she does not want to parent like she is part of a team, we don't see why we need to enforce it. Pack.

I am SOOO tired of her refusal to be a 'bad guy.' It's not like we are asking her to the THE bad guy - DH has no problem taking the lead. All we expect is that she not undermine what he does and make him appear horrid for expecting his daughter to be truthful and follow the rules we've all agreed to.

Are we way out of line, or do I have permission to get out the lamp?

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Comments (4)

sweeby
17 years ago
I'll send you back the lamp!

And I think you've nailed the reason on the head. Poor, poor Mom gets so little time with DD that she doesn't want to spend it punishing her sweet baby girl. So let mean ole' you do that and Mom can be 'the good guy'. After all, she wouldn't want DD to be unhappy - ever- at Mom's house...
imamommy
17 years ago
I swear we are dealing with the same woman!

We are the bad guys this week because SD spent the first week at mom's house & didn't work for one minute on her reports. She has two projects... the animal report she lied about doing & BM backed up the lie until she got caught... and the other project is a scavenger hunt & scrapbook project that they are supposed to work on during vacation. I figured BM would love helping her with the scrapbook one since she's into scrapbooking. Nope, she didn't work on either project at mom's and now she's spent the last two days working on them and is upset that she can't just play on her vacation. She was told that if she had done her work when it was supposed to be done (before vacation), then she would be able to play because she shouldn't have to do work on her vacation. But she doesn't do her work in school. We had grounded her the few days before she went to BM's for lying about turning in her work when it was hidden in her desk. Then, she goes to mom's for a week of fun and now she is miserable at our house because we have to make her do her work. She currently has an F in science (because of the animal report). But, yeah it's always fun time at mom's... and BM will talk the talk (to be tough with SD) with DH too but never walks the walk.
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finedreams
17 years ago
I hear you JNM, yes you do need a lamp. I have a good heavy one. haha

My X never wanted to be a bad guy, I always had to be the one. his justification was: I only see her that much. ha. I guess it is a custodial parent's fate to be a bad guy. I don't think that punishment needs to be carried from one house to ther other, but it is annoying when one parent is always about fun and the other about work.

My X also gives DD ridicilous advice without thinking or cosulting with me(i would not go into it here). and when i try to tell her that this decision might lead her wrong direction she says: but dad says XYZ. yeap dad has fun giving thoughtless advice that does not effect him. she is an adult now and it is OK but when she was a minor it was not OK.

I don't think there is much you can do JNM, but vent. and keep a lamp handy.
ashley1979
17 years ago
Can I join the bad-guy club? You'll never guess what I did that was so bad! I asked FDH to ask FSD to tidy up her stuff in the bathroom. OH NO! HORRIBLE EVIL SM!

Here's the deal, there are 2 kids. They share the main bathroom which would also be the one that guests would use. Her mineral makeup and wet towels and dirty underwear and perfume and toothbrush and hair were all over the counter and floor. So Sunday I asked FDH to have her clean it up. Mind you, she'd only been here for like 2 days (came in late Friday night). He never did. Well on Monday when I came home from work and they were all home all day, I about blew a gasket. I was so p*ssed that I cleaned the floors! (Anyone else do that when they're angry?) But I didn't actually say anything.

So yesterday I told FDH that my mom was coming up and asked him if he could please ask DS to tidy up his room and if FSD could please clean up the bathroom. You'd think I was asking him to move a mountain! He gave me a short, curt, "sure". When I get home, the only thing cleaned up was DS's room and FSD's dirty underwear was picked up. (funny, she didn't take them to the hamper; she just threw them on her floor in her room which is on the other side of the door from the bathroom and visible to anyone going to the restroom). Everything else was still there.

This is not her private bathroom! I'm sure DS doesn't want to see her dirty underwear on the floor when he's in there! And the worse part was that she had a friend over Monday night! So her friend got to see it, too!

So then FDH tells me that I've been on FSD's a$$ the whole time she's been here. I told him that's not true because I haven't actually asked her to do 1 single thing. I've asked HIM to ask her. And I said the reason it seems as though I'm harping on it is because he's not relaying the information and it's not getting done. So then he brings up that DS leaves his stuff in the bathroom and I pick it up for him. I told him that was an unfair comparision because DS lives at the house and takes 100 times more showers than FSD. And I also told him that 90% of the time DS either picks up his stuff or I make him go back and do it and the other 10% of the time I pick it up because we're having company or some other extenuating circumstance.

UGH! So I have the same problem except it's the NCP dad not wanting to step-up and wanting to be Disney-Dad, while BM sits over there all perfect and wonderful and gives FSD lies to tell us.

OH! I forgot the best part! She washes her face with hand towels. No big deal, right? Except that she doesn't get a clean one from under the sink. Yep! That's right! She uses the dirty one hanging on the towel bar that everyone has been trying their hands on all day. EWWWWWWWW! I told FDH about that and he just shrugged it off. Okay! If you want your daughter to have all kinds of nasty bacteria on her face!

Why does she pull this??

Comments (4)

sweeby

imamommy

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