She sounds like my little sister. I mean to the T! Unruly and ungreatful. This girl needs to learn her lesson but unfortunately she doesnt live with you two so there's not much you can do. It all falls back on how the mother is handling this. You did the right thing by not getting her anything, because she did not deserve it. It's hard for your husband, I know. I'll suggest what I did with my younger sister who looks up to me like a mother. I gave her one last chance and made her promise to stop. If she ever wanted to see me again then she had to straighten up. Then I talked with her mother and told her that is she wants any positive reaction, then harsh punishment for terrible behavior is the key. They "sold" her car (it's in a parking garage where the mom works, but she thinks it is sold) and took her license. So far, all this has worked. I know first hand that children like that need strong reinforcement. Let her know you both love her but will not compromise the love between you and your husband as well as your own child. It isnt fair. Give it to her straight. IF that doesnt work, eventually she'll hit rock bottom and will need somebody. Then it will hit her that she drove you away. Plus, what she does to your daughter is indeed child abuse. Let her know that if she does it again, you'll have a word with the authorities. Abusing your daughter is unacceptable behavior and if you cant save the older child, save the younger one. I'm sorry you;re going through this....I know it hurts. Be strong.

What kind of contact does hubs have with this girl's mother?
What does he know about her home life?

She really sounds awful, but abuse is "the gift that keeps on giving".

I'd get hubs to check to see if she has a record with Child Protective Services.
It might be that she's passing on what she's been dealt at home.

Meanwhile, don't let her in the house.

You can't let your own little one be beaten up in her own home.

I don't mean to be either cruel or heartless, but what I'm hearing you describe sounds to me like a deeply unhappy girl who is feeling rejected and unloved, and so is striking out at people who are even more helpless than she is. You've made several comments about her size, which I'm interpreting to mean that she's a 'big girl' or overweight, which at age 14, has to be a very difficult thing to be. And with a 'psycho BioMom' (other post?) it sounds like she is rather desperate for attention.

I do understand your need to protect your younger daughter. And I understand you want to teach this girl good values, and not reward the 'spoiled' behavior. So I can see why you might not want to give her lots of 'stuff' for Christmas. But I can't help but wonder what that will feel like to this poor girl. I doubt she will get the correct message - that Dad wants to be appreciated for who he is, not for his wallet. It's more likely, IMO, that she will interpret it to mean "Even Dad doesn't love me! Not the way he loves that little brat of hers!", backfiring on your little girl. (She is not likely to say how much she loves and misses her father when she is feeling unloved and unwelcome herself.)

I'd like to suggest that you encourage a closer relationship between your husband and this particular daughter -- one that is built on shared *time* together doing fun things in locations outside your home. This will keep your own daughter safe and provide this poor lonely girl with the companionship and attention she appears to need so badly. Believe me, a 14 year old girl who is desperate for male attention can find it. You should HOPE she can get it from her daddy.

My sympathies to you -- but from where I'm sitting, I perceive your SD is the one in even greater pain.

I really appreciate the responses.The thing is though,sweeby~she is a very spoiled girl.She gets everything she wants all the time when she wants it. She also has a little brother that lives with her and her mom that she also hits.Yes,she is quite overweight.My husband tried to regulate her food more (one snack before dinner) and she will take the snacks and hide them in her room.Her own mom even has to hide food from her cuz she will go through it all in a days time.
Thing is,she didnt even live with her mom until this year.She lived with her grandfather who gave her everything she wanted when she wanted even if it was unreasonable.Now she cant stand to hear the word no.
She was going to move in with us last summer,but because she couldnt keep her hands off my daughter,my husband and I decided it was a very bad idea.Our own daughter has a bizarre illness that has her frequently in the hospital with vomiting and dehydration.She is very thin and frail.It wouldnt take much to seriously hurt her,exspecially when her sister is so much larger.
My daughter has lived with more pain then any child should have to know at her age.
My husband has tried to get together with his daughter outside of us,but now that she lives 3 hours away it's a little hard when the mom refuses to compromise and drive her or meet him halfway ever.He works 6 days a week as it is.He used to call her all the time,but it was like playing 20 questions.He would have to pull every word out of her mouth.She only ever called him when she wanted money.
I dont think there is any abuse going on where she is living except for the abuse she is giving her brother.(who is only 5 years old! she is 14!)
Just to be clear,the reason she hasnt called her dad in a year is because he didnt get her a playstation 2 last year,because her brother already had one and he felt they should be able to share.Instead my husband bought a bunch of games for the playstation 2 (which are quite expensive) but she had to have her own and couldnt comprehend having to share.Kinda petty reason not to call your dad for a whole year if you ask me.
I dont think she really wants male attention.She seems completely non intrested in having a relationship with her dad at all.
We have offered to let her come here on winter break and summer vacation and she acts snotty and says she has other plans. (which her mom told us she didnt)
I just dont know,but at this point my daughter's safety is all I'm really concerned about.Any stress could bring on her illness and put her in the hospital,which is stressful for us as well.