You're just human. Mortal. Fallible.

But remember, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

I try to keep that in mind Sweeby, but I find myself wondering if I were to throw myself off a cliff would she imitate me??
I, of course, would have a bungy cord.

Ok, I am envisioning a couple of middle aged women wearing goth t-shirts from Hot Topic...

LMAO!
Totally not that bad, but I think you have given me a new idea . . . .

Your post made me smile this morning :)

ITs perfectly normal to be irritated at things like this. God knows, my husbands ex isnt one of my favourite people, although in our case, her husband is much worse.

In our house, we have learned to make jokes about it when one of our ex;s or their new spouse goes off the deep end. Somehow, things lose their sting when you come up with 45 jokes about, for instance in this case, middle aged women in roxy shirts.

Keep smiling. In the big picture its a non issue. Learn to laugh about it.

To me the bigger issue would be missing the award ceremony for a shopping trip at the mall! This is completely out of line for the BM. It is selfish and irresponsible and shows that BM's only concern is for herself and NOT for SD's life or activities. I would encourage DH to have a talk with BM. I know, I know (we have the same type of situation with BM) it won't do any good, but sometimes it is NOT better to say nothing.

Maybe in the future you may want to switch weekends with BM if SD has something as important as an award ceremony! If your SD's BM is anything like my SD's it is almost impossible to do and a royal pain in the butt.... but if it an important event to SD, it is worth the effort to ensure that SD is able/allowed to participate in important events.

Posted by wimom27 on Tue, Nov 13, 07 at 10:16
"To me the bigger issue would be missing the award ceremony for a shopping trip at the mall! This is completely out of line for the BM. It is selfish and irresponsible and shows that BM's only concern is for herself and NOT for SD's life or activities. I would encourage DH to have a talk with BM. I know, I know (we have the same type of situation with BM) it won't do any good, but sometimes it is NOT better to say nothing.

Maybe in the future you may want to switch weekends with BM if SD has something as important as an award ceremony! If your SD's BM is anything like my SD's it is almost impossible to do and a royal pain in the butt.... but if it an important event to SD, it is worth the effort to ensure that SD is able/allowed to participate in important events."

ARE YOU CRAZY???? DO NOT have DH talk to BM about this!!! It's obvious that BM wanted to get your goat and she kinda did. and if she knows this pushed your buttons, she will continue to do this sort of thing. Yes, she obviously is more concerned with herself than her child but you can't change that and trust me when I say, that children figure this out for themselves eventually. If the award was important to the child, then the child will resent mom for making her miss it anyways, you don't have to say a word.

As for her buying from the same store (copying you), again it was done to "irritate" you and the best way to take the wind out of her sail is to compliment her on it with a gracious smile. (and sincerity because she'll get fueled by sarcasm)

Unless this child is winning a noble peace prize or something, kids awards are NOT an "important" event to cause a conflict over. Like I said, if it means a lot to the child, she will have her own feelings about it and there's nothing you can do about how she feels. (except be supportive of course)

Winmom, I wish BM was open to switching weekends when there is something going on, but she isn't. Even SD will ask if we can switch is something important is happening, but it's a big no. Just tonight she was excited about joining a dance team she learned about at school until I mentioned practices were every Friday. Her face fell and she just said "well, guess I won't be joining then" as she is at her mom's EOW.

I do not agree with imamommy that the award is unimportant. To SD at 12 this award carried the same importance as a Nobel Prize would to an adult, and if it's important to her it's important to me. I do agree that talking to mom about her screwed up priorities will do no good though - been there, done that. She is who she is, and SD sees just what kind of person she really is more and more each day.

"If the award was important to the child, then the child will resent mom for making her miss it anyways, you don't have to say a word."

What is the point, here -- are you HOPING this child will resent her own mother? Is this all about who will "win" in the end when the child realizes that the SM is the "good" one? Or is it about the child's feelings? If someone is doing something hurtful to this child, that is what is important, not who gets the good-parent points. Even if this mom richly deserves resentment, it's much better for the daughter if she has as good a relationship with her as she can.

I see so many divorced parents (and even a few who aren't divorced) making this mistake, a mistake their children pay for. They seem to have this vision of "someday," when it will all be clear to "everyone," especially the children, who was the saintly, aggrieved parent and who was the skunk. Even if that would happen, why would that be the best thing for the children? Wouldn't it be best for them to have good relationships with ALL the adults in their lives -- even the ones you don't like? Their childhood is their childhood, not a contest between warring adults who rack up points in their own minds.

That having been said -- I agree that there is NOTHING to be gained by the SM telling her husband to talk to his ex-wife about setting her priorities vis-a-vis award ceremonies and the like. It would have been better for her to be there, sure. But it isn't for her ex-husband and his new wife to teach her -- and of course it would never work.

Thanks an excellent observation Gellchom, and worthy of its own post.

I find myself guilty of this one sometimes too...

Once again, my post is misquoted.. I did NOT say the award was not important... I said

"Unless this child is winning a noble peace prize or something, kids awards are NOT an "important" event to cause a conflict over"

The emphasis is on "to cause a conflict over" And NO, I am not hoping this child will resent her mother. I am predicting it will happen if the mother is so wrapped up in being right that she denies her child the chance to be in a dance team she wants to be in or attending an awards ceremony that meant a lot to her. Telling the mom that she is hurting her child is fruitless because that doesn't seem to do any good. It's not about winning any points, it's all about letting a child grow up without conflict. The daughter should be telling her mom how she feels and if the mom disregards it, then there's nothing dad, step mom or anyone else can say to change it. The one with the most influence is the daughter and mom still says no to her.

I just touched on this in a different post, but it seems relevant here as well. I don't believe the hope is that a child will resent their mother (or father.) What I hope is that when SD is older she will realize mom made her late for the award not because it wasn't important, but because it wasn't important enough to mom. SD already feels guilty when mom has to give up her time to take SD somewhere or attend something, and that just isn't right. She feels like her activities are not as important as moms because mom makes it seem that way. My hope is that SD will realize it wasn't that she and her activities weren't important, it was that, for lack of a better way to say it, mom was self-absorbed. The same is true of how she was treated whenever mom got a new man. Things went from "you and me against the world baby" to "I've never been so happy as when *Bob* is with me." It is important to me that SD knows that is not because she did anything to bring about this change in treatment, it was just her mother's lack of compassion for her child's feelings. Now that she is older (and mom finally married one of the guys) she is figuring this out.

SD already resents her mother, and she needs no help with that. I spent years trying to prevent it, but I finally learned to let her dig her own hole.

I agree and my SD's mom does the same thing. A new guy in her life and she drops her kids like yesterday's newspaper. I'm taking the brunt of her daughters anger and frustration because she lives with us now. I'm taking her to counseling to deal with her feelings. Her mom only has her on three weekends a month and sends her home early most of the time. She also cancels or picks her up late. We've done everything we can to accommodate her and have finally given up on trying to get her to realize how much she is hurting her daughter. All we can do is be here for her and love her. She's only 8 and my heart aches that she is going through this. But, if someday she resents her mom, then her mom owns that, not us. If we spend the next ten years going to court or trying to force mom to "be a mom" and make this girls life more miserable, then she may resent us for it too. I don't think anyone should ever support a child having any bad or negative feelings for either of their parents, but my opinion is that you can't control someone else or their behavior and if the result of their behavior is that their child resents them, then it's their own fault. I take responsibility for MY actions and if I do something that causes the child to resent ME, then I own it and it's my fault.