I did read your posting in Thurman's thread about the coat. I sat here thinking 'wow, that is either one very self absorbed young lady or one very cold hearted witch'. Not familar really with the backstory so I suppose it could be a combination of the two. But to open your present to her first (even wear it in front of you all evening because she so liked it)...I can see where you'd have every mixed emotions and trouble just letting it roll off. It was as if you didn't even exist except for what you can do for her. It was indeed just rude and inconsiderate on the woman girl's part...that's right, these were actions of a little girl in women's clothing. Whether she were a neighbor, close associate or your SD, it's not actions of a grown up adult. It showed extreme 'me me me' and/or at the least very poor social skills. As an adult she could have handled it differently if she have just given the event a bit of thought. No, no one would expect her to spend her last 'nickel' and perhaps not have funds left to meet her rent ect. But a bit of creative forethought on her part could have been exercised. If she had x amount of funds available, why blow it on one present specifically centered on one person at a home you're being hosted at. A gift card to Dad's favorite eating place presented as a joint gift to the host/hostess would have at least shown appreciatation and acknowledgement. Something more from the heart could have been as simple as putting a dish in the crockpot pre work and bringing dinner all cooked and ready to enjoy (after informing host/hostess of the plan). One does not necessarily have to have a bunch of money to show appreciation/acknowledgement, all they need is to put their heart and mind into it. A sign of appreciation/acknowledgement no matter how small goes much farther than a handful of gifts. I always told my kids when they were first starting out and things could be tough, that there was more to being a 'family' than running to the mall and buying gifts. That 'family' comes from the heart and it means more to use your heart and your thoughts to express yourself than your wallet. I remember one year when now ex DIL got up at the crack of dawn and cooked the ham and turkey she had received as holiday from her workplace. I knew beforehand she was going to do this. DS and DIL showed up just before dinner with the present of their time and efforts and all I had to do was slice and serve. Their gift to the family that year was the meat on the table, cooked and delivered. It was very enjoyable and I got to sleep in a wee bit longer that Christmas morning because I didn't have to do the main course. There was plenty of turkey and ham left for several casseroles and sandwich lunch food for the week...I have to admit I was thrilled with their gesture and their time and effort it took. I'm sure you do feel a bit slighted and hurt. I am sure too though that your husband appreciated your time and effort for his sake...perhaps you can begin to think of it as what Cat said. You didn't do it for the SD, you did it for your husband. Odds are no one can change this grown woman at this point in her life, but you managed to give your husband the gift of your 'heart' by getting through the event and handling it with grace.

I have a 19 year old son, and I know teenage gamers of the type doodledoo and serenity refer to.It truly is a tragic waste to see these boys waste this special time in their lives. But Sweeby's son sounds like a normal teenage boy to me. He does chores at his dad's house, at Sweeby's house he babysits and sets the table without grumbling, if he forgets to put his dishes away he does so when asked. Like Sweeby's husband, I am the type who would put the dish away and get aggravated. After two or three days of it, I'd get very aggravated. Sometimes, too, I get angry over little things when it's really an accumulation of bigger things that happened earlier that I never said anything about. Your husband needs to stop doing that. He is the adult, and he needs to communicate better. He needs to set the example of a healthy way to communicate. If I was your husband, I think I might be very frustrated with your son, too. Part of my frustration might be that my 13 year old has some developmental issues (if I remember correctly), yet he is seemingly the responsible, reliable one. It probably doesn't seem fair that the one who has no developmental issues or delays isn't as apparently on-the-ball. That type of reasoning isn't fair to your 18 year old, but sometimes our feelings aren't fair or reasonable. But even if our feelings aren't fair or reasonable, our actions should be. If your 13 year old is your husband's only child, he probably doesn't realize how very un-normal your 13 year old's attitude really is. My son and I sat down and talked to one another when we were having issues between us about helping out. He explained the nature of his video games to me and I understood more why he hates to be interrupted when he's playing (it's online with other people and he can't pause). Also, my son is very organized and efficient and a planner, and he likes to plan his days off. So here's what we do - when he was at home he knew he would have chores to do on Saturdays. So earlier in the week or on Friday night I gave him a list of everything I wanted done on Saturday. Once he finishes the list, he is free for the day. I used to just string the jobs out all along the day - whenever I was doing something and could use some help, I'd ask him all during the day. He'd get annoyed because he was interrupted, and I'd get annoyed because he didn't want to help. But if I give my son a list, I can get a whole lot more work out of him, he's happier, he doesn't complain, and I'm happy, too. He will still help me with the things that come up when I really, really need him - like unloading the groceries and lifting heavy stuff. The flip side is that my son sees that I'm working with him to accomodate his preferences, so he tries harder to accomodate mine. If I tell him something really bothers me, like leaving his dirty dishes all over the place or leaving his clothes in the bathroom, then he'll quit doing that. I don't yell at him or get angry, I just explain how dirty dishes "multiply" - if the kitchen is clean then the next person will put their dirty dishes away, but once one person starts leaving them in the sink then everyone follows suit. My son understood that reasoning. So if your husband is anything like me in bottling up his frustrations, then blowing over the small stuff, you could probably head some of this off. You could sit down with your husband and ask his expectations. Just "help out when asked" is not concrete enough - what exactly does he think would be fair for regular chores, how much time is reasonable? Then I'd sit down with my son and work out something mutually acceptable. If your son doesn't like "dirty", then what "clean" chores would he substitute? Would he prefer to run errands, do grocery shopping, etc? Find something that works for you both, make sure he knows it's coming regularly down the pipeline every weekend he's at your house, and no video games can be started until those chores are done. If "clean" chores aren't enough to suit your husband - does he like to see a teenage boy really go out there and sweat and do "dirty" stuff - then give your son a regular "dirty" chore and just be done with it. In my experience, boys just do not like to be hassled. Better to give them a straightforward job to do and get it over with and don't hassle them. It may be more obvious that your husband has this issue with your son, but your husband is probably this way about other things as well. Learning to deal with your son in a more healthy way will probably help your husband in other areas of his life, too. The lessons I've learned in dealing with my kids have made me a better person not only at home but at work as well. I'm sure your husband is a wonderful person. I am, too! I still had to change, though.

Thanks to all of your excellent posts. There's a measure of truth, maybe more, to many of the posts. (1) I didn't start out hating my SD. I married my wife when she was 8. The barrage of incivilities and meanness started when we were dating, but I thought she'd outgrow it. It kept pretty constant right through her high school years. It got better when she went to college, but I'd say she'd do 3-5 things that were disrespectful or uncaring every day she was home from college. As a young woman, she's a little better. but multiply all of those "incivilities" by hundreds and hundreds of days. Can you blame me for negatively interpreting stuff that seems innocent on its face? (2) Now add this factor. It was a divisive force in our home and in my marriage. My wife is a great mother, but she is so defensive about her daughter and frankly, sees her as perfect. No chance to talk about issues, no opportunity for me to have a "voice" and say what the SD is doing that is bothering me. Imagine how frustrating that is. (3) Add this as a factor. From the time my SD was small (7 or 8), she began to treat me as a sex offender. I'd come into the room, she would leave, unless her Mom was there. I thought this was something she'd outgrow, but she didn't. We're not on year 23 of it. Imagine being treated like that in your own home, and your wife not care when you mention that her daughter needs professional help. (I'd like to add that my SD is now almost 30 and still has no male relationship...I think she's gone out on one date...maybe she was molested or is simply afraid of men? Seems abnormal but Mommy gushes over her daughter's chastity rather than see that something could be wrong). (4) Add that my SD doesn't respect me. I'm not talking about as a father figure, but even as a homeowner, and as my son's father. This is a person who can walk right by me in my own house and close the window curtains and not say anything while I'm sitting there. I can't imagine doing that in my parent's house...I've had so many battles with he not to correct my son when he was little when I was in the room. She really believes that she and I are on the same level and that Mom is the boss. That's her mindset. We've had battles over tv's, computers, etc. because she didn't or doesn't see me as someone that she has to answer to. Go to my wife-- she backed the SD-- confront my SD, she knew that she had my wife's backing. her attitude was largely "f-u". Imagine how humiliating that experience has been. (5) Add those together, and that's the tip of the iceberg, and I'm carrying around a lot of hurt, anger, rage, etc. with no place to go with it. Pastors often have no understanding unless they have been in a stepfamily (they interpret with a biologically intact family in mind), and some of the counselors I've been to also seem woefully unread on stepfamily issues. This list has greatly helped me. (6) Do I hate my SD? Sometimes. Do I wish it was just my wife and son and myself? Yes, every day.

First of all, if someone is young and healthy and doesn't want health insurance (maybe they get sick once a year and it doesn't benefit them to pay for a policy), why should they HAVE to buy it? The answer is that those young and healthy people spending $X,XXX a year on health insurance, but only using a very small amount of it, will be paying for the people who use more than their $X,XXX of health insurance. How is that democratic? Let me put it this way...say you take great care of yourself. Don't smoke, don't drink alcohol, workout, take vitamins, get plenty of rest, go to your wellness exams, blah, blah, blah. Your neighbor, on the other hand, stays up late, parties all night, smokes like 2 packs of ciggarettes a day, drinks like a fish, never works out, smokes something out of a pipe, and has already had a heart attack or two. It's his right to treat his body however he wants.....right, but still pay the same amount of insurance premiums you do? I believe our health insurance industry needs reform. How about starting with taking the government's hands out of it? The government isn't a business. Businesses create jobs and produce something, whether it be a product or a service. The government creates jobs, sure, but doesn't produce a single product or service. Yet they suck the money out of the businesses that DO produce a product or service in the form of regulations, taxes, and CAFE standards. Here's my other major problem with this whole 'health care' reform: I know a girl who is 29, married and has 3 kids. Her last 2 kids were very pre-term due to her hereditary high blood pressure (which she knew about after the 1st one). She doesn't plan to take any precautions to not get pregnant again, even though she would be risking her life and the baby's if she did. Not my problem. I love her and I would never want anything to happen to her or a baby of her's, but ultimately it's her decision. Also, she is receiving Medicaid for herself and her 3 kids and lying to get it. She sent an e-mail out about how she can't wait for universal healthcare (but aren't we really talking about health 'insurance' and not 'care'; let's face it...we can get health 'care' in any emergency room in the US). Her point is that her family can't afford $200/month for insurance, and she asked "how are we supposed to afford health insurance?" I answered her back and said "It's all about priorities...you have 2 vehicles, a motorcycle (that has been wrecked and repaired), 2 laptops, and 2 flat-screen TVs. If health insurance was a priority for you, you would give anything to have it, and maybe forgoe things that aren't essential to living." She is representative of SOOOOOO many people! Cell phones, fake nails, expensive hair-dos, cars, computers, iPods and what-not are a bigger priority to them than health insurance. And these are the people that are screaming for universal health insurance when they already have it! See, they have this misconception that it will bring their standard of care up. But in reality, it will bring everyone else's down to their level. My parents, my sister and her family and my brother all have Tricare (military insurance). You can't find a doctor, dentist or pharmacy within 20 miles of my house that accepts it. Why? Beacause they never pay what they say they will, and payments are 6 months behind.