I just want to start out by saying that it was really refreshing to read your post. It takes effort to make a step family work, and to get along with the ex: either ex-husband or ex-wife.

After reading a lot of postings on this thread, I have found I have a lot of things to be thankful for in my relationship with my family. First of all, I realize that my family is not conventional. I am with a man who has a five year old son from a prior marriage. I had been married before, but was lucky enough to escape without having a baby. (Thank you, Norplant.) Before we got together I knew that "Dad" had a son, but really didn't consider the impact it would have on our relationship. After we started dating, I met his son and knew "Son" had a few behavior issues... but they weren't his fault. Son didn't have any real disapline from Dad. His ex, "Mom", was very pleased that "Dad" and I got together because she said she felt more comfortable leaving Son with us together. (The reason she said that was because Dad never stopped Son from doing anything wrong or dangerous for fear that Son will start hating him. He's since re-evaluated that concern!!) Since Mom was so pleased Dad and I were together there has been no power struggle over Son.

Family members try to bash Mom with me, but I don't let it happen. She didn't do anything wrong to me. Whenever she comes over I do not feel threatened. I have had tea with her to discuss the family pipe works. We both know that to have a positive impact on Son's life we need to work together and pose a united front. ALL THREE OF US. I'm not saying that her and I are best friends. I have my issues with her and I'm sure she has some with me. But we go to parent teacher meetings ALL THREE OF US. When something happens that needs to be discussed ALL THREE OF US discuss it. United we stand, divided we fall.

Now that I am 26 weeks pregnant, I have my worries. Will the new baby throw a monkey wrench in the works? Will I be able to love Son as much as the baby that comes from me? Will Son feel replaced by his new sister? Will Mom feel jealousy?

All I can to is take things as they come. I am sure that my love won't get split, it will grow. As long as I ensure that Son has an opportunity to be a big brother to sister and that we continue to work with Mom... everything will work out fine.

As for adults that are less than supportive of your situation. A simple statement that puts people in their place when they ask a personal or inappropriate question regarding your family lifestyle is "Why do you ask?" with a confused look as to why they would be concerned about something that is none of their business. People only butt in as much as you let them!

Cindy

Wow...good for you..that was very nice..

I am not a step-parent, but rather a survivor of step parenting run amock. In my experience, it was the step mother from hell that was the problem. She was so insecure about her place in all of this, that her only means to stability was to keep Dad as far away from his kids as possible and to be as mean to them as possible. All of this despite the fact that she knew he had 6 kids. She hated the ground we walked on and wished we had never been born. When our father had a heart attack, she did not let any of the kids know and I'm sure that if he had not survived, we would have never even been able to say our goobyes. Also, from experiences of friends ... the worst thing a new step can do is try to pretend that they are the bio parent. You would be surprised how many try to assume the role and the title of the bio because of their own insecurities about where they stand. If they entered the picture as just another adult that has love enough in their heart to encompass a child as their friend (child already has 2 parents), it would ultimately be so much easier to gain their love and respect and ultimately their desire to be around you and please you. Some steps are so darned pushy - no offense. You can't build a relationship over night and the relationship may never be that of parent and child and doesn't need to be in order to be a loving, respectful, fulfilling one. Some people actually marry thinking that they won't really have to be involved. Some like to pretend that once they marry they can play BArbie dream house family. There are all different types of personalities... all types of human fears and insecurities. It is not always the ex that is the problem, sometimes its the spouse, sometimes its the step. I laugh whenever I read these posts about how horrible the ex is. They are getting a lot of info from the spouse - which may or may not be accurate. My sister is now going through an acrimonious divorce from her husband of 30 years. She desperately wants everyone to hate his guts and tells us all kinds of horrible things about him. I have known the man for 30 years and I know he is not perfect and that he has hurt my sister, but I also know that a lot of what she is spreading is sheer bunk to garner support of her position. I still like the man and I refuse to say anything bad about him. I agree that he has done wrong, but I refuse to get into mudslinging. What will she tell some new love in her life? That he was a wonderful husband for 29 of the 30 years? Sometimes new spouses are so thrilled in their insecurity to be better than the ex that they grasp at what the spouse says as God's given truth. I think maturity, knowledge of yourself and the human element and realism go a long way to make step parenting work. Second marriages fail at a greater rate than first marriages for many reasons. However, I think many of the reasons are born of insecurity. There is probably nothing I can imagine that has the devastating effect emotionally, socially and financially as a divorce. These walking wounded need time to get their emotional strength back as an individual before getting into a relationship. Unfortunately, so few people give themselves the necessary healing time and use a new relationship as a crutch to show the world that - I really am still lovable. Then - enter an ex wife or ex husband that threatens your security and then add some traumatized children whose homes and family have been decimated and its a most frightening, unstable situation. It is so wonderful to read success stories where people have done the right thing for themselves first and then within a loving relationship that encompasses both stepchildren and ex spouse. It is amazing that it can happen given all the human frailties that are brought into any relationship much less one as complicated as a blended family. I can see that there are many rewards in being a successful blended family. One of my sisters is the step of a now grown young woman who has been the light of her life. Unable to have children of her own, she has been blessed to have this girl a part of her life. They have never had a mother-daughter relationship. They are loving friends related by marriage. The "loving friends" part is more important than titles and roles. Once the bio Mom realized that my sister had no intention of taking her place, but rather supporting the parents in the raising of their child - the world became a peaceful place for them.

"Once the bio Mom realized that my sister had no intention of taking her place, but rather supporting the parents in the raising of their child - the world became a peaceful place for them." ROSIEL

I THINK THIS IS KEY.

I agree with your post and also have a few things to think about myself. I think I need to look at my involvement ensure she knows I am a supporter and not trying to take over. :) Thank for giving me some thoughts, Rosie.

Cindy

WoW, LadyLawyer...Thank you, and I agree your posting was very enlightening and made me feel like i'm not alone. You are in the exact situation that i'm in. Except we got 3 girls...lol My husband is running his own business as well...

One question? Do you have custody of both boys? I'm 38 weeks pregnant, and just waiting!! (this has to be by far the worst part of pregnancy) Nice to hear that someone out there is posting not to have to vent, but just to reassure.

Congratulations!!

Kudos to step-family attemptors!!
I am doubly-blessed. I have 2 dads. I am the only child of a 3 year marriage with Mom and Dad and the baby of three from a 25 year marriage of Mom and Step-Dad (or Dad2)- meaning I have a step-brother and step-sister. I find it incredibly ironic that I am now a Step-Mom to a 5 1/2 year old (we can't forget that 1/2!). My highschool-college sweetheart and I split up to sow our wild oats and, as often happens with oats, they really get sown. He had a child from a one-week stand. He tried to work things out with her but she's psycho and he and I got back together. I know from experience that she's psycho. I put what others said out of my head and attempted to have some sort of relationship with her for Son's sake, then one day she stabs me in the back. Not once, not twice, third time's the charm. I'm supportive of her in front of Son, but do not encourage any more relationship BS. She will not have me be a parent figure to Son - she says he already has 2 parents, however, Dad is of the mindset that when Son comes to our house every weekend that he is at DisneyWorld and everything goes. Mom calls for Dad to punish Son when he does wrong at home (I know, I know). So when Son is with us, Dad doesn't want to punish and be seen as "the bad guy". Hence, we are starting to have a little hellion on our hands. He has had a bad report sent home every week since he started Kindergarten. Mom's punishment was "You can't have candy, but we're going to the movies." The real kicker is that he isn't allowed candy at home anyway. I put down some ground rules at our house and Dad nodded his approval, Son was actually excited about it. It seems that we're the only structure he gets. He prefers to be with me because I play with him and talk to him, yet I'm the disciplinarian, too. I feel that there has to be give and take in every relationship. You would think that others (Mom and Dad) would feel the same way. I know it's a difficult situation to be in. Both Mom and Dad came from conventional families and don't have the understanding that I do. Yet, I'm the STEP-mom and am getting resistance on both fronts (she thinks I should have no say - he laughs if Son talks back and doesn't respect me). I try to talk to Dad and get his support and I hold my tongue when Son says rules are different at Mom's. I explain that we are a different house and have different rules. For Son's sake, I keep it up. I know in the long run it will pay off. When he's 30 maybe he'll appreciate what I'm doing now. Son and I went to see 'Lilo & Stitch' together without really knowing what it was about. If you haven't seen it - do! We couldn't have picked a better movie. It has a great message of loving someone as family when they aren't related by blood.

Sorry I haven't responded to your questions (Cindy and stepmommy24), holidays and work are crazy!

I have joint custody of my son (my ex and I have equal time with him). My hubby has only "visitation" with his son (every other weekend and some holidays). I was worried about the same concerns you were, Cindy, when my son was born, but so far, so good. I think the baby bonds all five of us even more, because we all have his welfare and his little baby milestones as one more common interest. It might have to do with their ages- my stepson and son are 6 and 4, and I think are past the point where they feel the need to be the center of attention. They seem to be okay with the fact that mom and dad are giving quite a bit of attention to the new baby, and in fact, they give him a lot of attention as well.

I must add that, when I was growing up as part of a "traditional" family we still had the same issue. I have one brother who is three years younger than I am and one who is ten years younger than I am. My brother was very jealous of my youngest brother when he was born, so, it may not have anything to do with being a stepfamily, but might be a potential issue regardless of family composition.

My hubby's ex did tell his family that she was jealous of the baby and that she was going to make sure my stepson would not have any relationship with him (part of the whole problem with adults not being supportive, some of his family tries to instigate problems by relaying things like this to me) but, I can't really see how she can stop that, just the same as I can't make my stepson have a relationship with his brother. I haven't noticed any reluctance on the part of my stepson towards the baby. He seems appropriately interested in the baby and pays attention to him. I am treating the way she feels as not really an issue at this point.