Hi, I appreciate all of your comments. I really need to set the record accurate here with sylviatexas comments. I do appreciate your point of view. Here are the facts, in no particular order with no defense in mind. Biofather: Single, no girlfriend, no relationship for 10+ years (from his parents) Physically abused Biomom multiple times before divorce (black eyes, etc) Pulled family into bankruptcy before divorce Refused to pay child support for first 5 years of daughters life. Has a long arrest record which is mostly arrests for assault up until a few years ago. (have copies) Has been threatening Biomom to "sue" her and "take your home away" in phone calls and emails (we have many copies) Rarely sought contact with daughter startingat her age of 13. Secretly plotted with SD in 8th grade to move her into his garage to live in small home in FL with her own "door", TV, Etc. We uncovered the plan and mom said no to the move for obvious reasons. SD told that her Stepfather cannot tell her what to do in home and she was to "completely ignore" Stepfather cause he is a "wierdo." (from SD) Sends emails to Biomam copying SD telling biomom she is a "terrible parent" and is responsible for ALL of SD problems. (we have copies) Invited unrelated 17 yo girlfriend (daughter's girlfriend) to live with him and SD at FL home (and go to school there). No parental supervision provided for 17 yo girlfriend. Just come "hang out" with SD and me in my home. Okay? Sends Biomom email stating he is "now retired" at the age of 44 (from pizza carrier job) and he will stop chid support payments since she "cannot garnish him if he has no income." Buys "country club" home in October of 2006 (how, who knows?) when daughter is well into 11th grade and asks her to move immediately and leave her friends, school, where she was in the school play (major goal for SD). When girlfriend was now invited to live in FL, SD says I will move now. SD's 17 yo girlfriend move wwith her was completely secret from us in planning to let daughter move. When Biomom objected to girlfriend moving into this unsupervised situation girlfriends parents agreed and then said no to their daughter (this family had money problems and this was a rent free way to save money they told us). I can go on and on without even trying. There is a big pattern here with biofather. He was always secretly planning with SD to do things, telling us very little or complete opposite details until things happened. He was always running us down to SD. Biomom: Single parent until SD was age 5. Went back to school to earn an RN in nursing. Has RN, works as a nurse. We struggled to purchase home and provide SD with her own room, bathroom, etc. We paid for ALL health care, summer camps, school expenses, everything. Never sent angry emails to biofather. Very polite (really). Never had secret plans with daughter. Sent photos, grades, reports to biofather. Would not respond to the angry threatening emails from biofather because she did not want to fight. Never limited sd contact with biofather. Encouraged daughter to phone biofather, etc. Went on with her life and did not fight or threaten biofather. Successfully remarried. Is often afraid to contact biofather due to previous physical assaults and threatening emails that are numerous and common to this day. Poor communication with biofather. Stepfather (Me) Accepted responsibility for raising and helping SD. Did not want to or try to replace biofather. Encouraged SD to have a "great" relationship with biofather. Yes I did. Due to limited child support, took care of most of step-daughters expenses since biomom's nurse position is part time and low pay for DC area. All OK. Never sent any angry emails to anyone. No troubles with the law, no arrests. Had to endure very hostile attitudes in last few years from SD when she returned home form FL visits. SD would settle down some after a few weeks. Endured "ambivalence" from SD over last 4 years and kept calmly doing for her as was required to help. Drove SD to and from school often due to transfer to a better school SD wanted to go to. I believe that we were good, loving, stable role models who did NOT try to manipulate our daughter with promises of big ticket toys as biofather has done. We did support our daughters decision to move in with her father without trying to control her or punish her. When the secret move with (very hard partying, yes!) girlfriend was discovered we knew that we had been lied to and deceived again. I truly believe that it was honest and right to contact the girlfriends parents and tell them of our concerns and objections to this live in situation in FL with all of the secrecy involved. No tattling was involved. Responsible parental communication. When we got back to the original plan, SD was then free to move of course. Are we not allowed to be hurt and concerned? Am I as a loving Stepfather not allowed to care so much? These are just the facts. Where are we so wrong here? I hope you can see that we are hurt and worried that our daughter will truly be at risk with her biofather. This is her choice, and she made it. Please try and see our side. We did nothing in secret and we are not trying to hurt our daughter in any way. My wife was grieving and felt that the stink and total mess in daughters room had to be cleaned up. She did leave all of the furniture in there, with bed frame temporarily taken apart for cleaning. Guess biomom should have left posters on the wall. She never realized it was so important. We have no motives here. Just sincerely worried for obvious reasons. That is a quick summary. I respect all opinions. Perhaps as a Stepfather I am not allowed to sincerely care for my beautiful SD. However I do and it hurts to see her in a situation that is potentially harmful to her. Thank you for listening.

theotherside: his relationship with his daughter is at an all-time low. As for the ride issue, I feared that if taken out of context would appear to be a bad example. You have to understand ALL the things that BM has done (and not done) during the course of the marriage and raising their children to understand the situation. She never took care of the kids....always left the actual parenting things to him. When they divorced, she expected that to continue and it simply could not -- he was now a single Dad trying to make a living (to help support the kids because she was fired from her job....) AND take care of the kids. They lived nearby and SD would walk over, take food out of the frig and then go back to her mom's. If asked to hang out to eat the food, no....gotta get back to Mom's. Whenever he asked to spend time with her -- she had something going on with her mother and the answer was no. And I disagree 100% with your comment that if he doesn't want to set boundaries it is HIS business, not mine. His choosing to have a life with me means that I am also part of the equation and that I must be considered. Conversely, my life is not the same one I had before I married into this family....I have to do car pool, driving to friend's houses, food shopping, making dinner, etc. etc. so one cannot tell me I should do those things, but have no say or boundaries in my own home. I don't think men or my husband is stupid. My husband is a very smart man, but when it comes to emotional issues or sensitivities, he doesn't always catch on . . . dumb? no...but he was raised with different a different focus. Last summer when I was having a horrible time with my 19 y/o SD living with us and breaking every rule she could, my sister pulled me aside and said it is too late for you to save that girl -- the damage is done. When I said that I was angry that HE let her get this out of control without taking control over from her mother my sister reminded me that in most homes (hers included), it is usually the mother who imparts the values and manners and who tends mostly to the children....the men do their part, but it has a different focus (earning a living and taking care of his family that way). I understand this is a very traditional way of looking at it, but it is true in many cases! And, I'm hardly a "traditional" woman, I was a career woman with no kids at 40! Yet when I married my DH, I immediately began doing the caregiving, organizing of schedules, trying to do as much as I could so my SS could be a child and feel safe and secure in our home and so that my husband could focus on work). It's like a weird gene that I can't control! (also why I have meltdowns from time to time because my body (mood) tells me I can't do it all before I actually realize it!!)

Shar - Your DD and DH's relationship sounds a lot like mine with my step dad. He has always rode me hard and let my SB get away with everything, murder I'm sure if it ever came up. I have approached him on this several times. His response was always the same. Men tend to have a harder time relating to women or "daughters" then to there sons. Fact of life, he doesn't know how to act or react to her behavior. So he over reacts, this is your turn to step it up, lay down the law. He needs to stay out of her room, if the TV is on knock on the door and ask her to turn it off. No need to unplug it, that's childish. He is stooping to her level, not wise of someone who should be an adult. Complains about a light, well has he ever left a light on or forgot to shut the lid on the toilet. Blow up at him, rant and rave as he does, then stop and say that's how you sound when you talk to my DD. It doesn't accomplish anything but angering people when you scream and shout. My grandmother is a very very wise lady, she told me something long ago. If you whisper people are forced to pay attention to actually hear what you are saying, when you yell they can tune you out. When her friends are there and he does things to embarrass her or make then uncomfortable, are you sure that's not typical teenage opinion. I hated it when my parents checked up on me ever 5 minutes but know they were just making sure that I wasn't getting into trouble. Once a child has done something to lose trust it's hard to gain it back. Especially for one who has not bond or biological ties to a child. You should really sit down and talk to both of them together. Dinner in public, where if one of them raises a voice then they are causing an embarrassment to them self, as home someone can just slam off into there room. If you are out in a public area and all drove in one car, if you have the keys that makes it hard for either one of them to leave until you are ready. Counseling is great, but I think to many people run to the aid of others when simply forcing the two of them to talk might help a little. And if all else fails call upon the outside help, or maybe reevaluate your relationship.

There're 3 unreasonable & obnoxious things going on here, & 1 of them is downright scary. #1: Your house rules say that once a child moves out, that child has well & truly moved out. However, the rule is being applied to only one. Yours. #2 You missed an opportunity to stand up to him when he ran your daughter off. (Can you imagine how your daughter feels?) #3 Your husband ran *your* daughter off, & now you're taking a back seat to *his* daughter & whatever she dishes out, & your husband is mad at you for being unhappy about it *& he isn't backing you up, & he isn't listening to you, & he is not acting like a partner*. The first thing an abuser does is isolate a victim from family & friends. You no longer have your own daughter living with you, & you're under the control of this man & his daughter. Your husband is the only one who can change things, & he's happy with everything but your "complaints". Women believe words, & men believe actions. If the situation is intolerable, you have to make it *his* problem rather than just objecting, no matter how well-founded your objections are. I my own self would change the locks & file for divorce, but I don't know your financial situation. If you cannot bring yourself to do that, you might just disengage- no meals, no laundry, no cleaning, no keeping either of them company. leave the house every week-end. I wish you the best.