Hecalls and Cawfe are correct, oh my, she didn't have full custody, they had 50/50 but she spent six months fighting for full custody just before she left. I think cawfe summed it up best. She won't take or return SD's calls, except when it's convenient for 'her'. She has called after SD is asleep, then says we're 'keeping her baby from her' because DH won't wake up SD to talk. Whenever she has SD with her, all she talks about is her 'butterfly' wedding that she's planning with BF and they are all lovey dovey so SD ends up feeling like she's not so important to her mom. Mom left and forgot about me. SD has told DH that she feels BF stole her mom. It was the way in which it was done. She sent SD on her regular week to DH and moved during the week while we had SD. Then, the day she was supposed to get SD back, she tells DH 'I can't take her, I've moved. I met Mr. Wonderful and we're getting married. Can you tell DD?' He said 'you tell her yourself' so they agreed that BM would tell her and DH would be there. BM sits down both her girls and tells them, not only is she moving three hours away and leaving SD with dad, but she also tells them that she's marrying this guy (whom they have known for two weeks) and another significant thing to note here, she had a different BF just a month earlier that she told SD she was getting married to, but she went on a trip out of state and she broke up with him while she was gone, came back and met this new potential husband. I think any 8 & 12 year old would be confused, upset and feel abandoned. That is the word her counselor has used many times. FD, you may feel that because she see's her mom, she isn't abandoned and apparently you won't see things through the eyes of a child that was left for a BF. That's YOUR problem but I think everyone else understands how heartbreaking it must be for this child.

No one, male or female, should go on to have a second family if it means he or she would not be able to support the first family. I don't understand what being self-sufficient before marriage has to do with being able to support your entire household as a single parent a quarter of a century later, after having been out of the workforce for years. I was self-sufficient before WE had children. WE decided that I would work part-time, and later be a SAHM. I will never be able to achieve the income (in today's money) that I had before I stopped working - not with the gap in work history and, even more importantly, my age. Funny thing is that when my exH was unemployed, the magistrate told him that he was too old to expect ever to get another job (even my xH looked horrified at that statement) - and then the magistrate told me that supporting our children was primarily MY responsibility. My exH is only a few years older than I am. Apparently women are never too old to work, but men are. mom_of_four, I did not actually use the phrase "real family" - I said "real spouse" and "real son/daughter-in-law." An OW/OM is not one of these. lonepiper, I am not going to argue Christian theology with you, since the only part of the Bible I ever read was the old testament for high school English Lit (I still don't know why it was considered appropriate for a public school English Lit class, but that's beside the point). However, not one, but two different posters who said they were Christians told me that, and I agree with the statement, whether or not it is an accurate representation of what is stated somewhere in the new testament.

Yes, my biggest concern is being over shadowed by my own selfish reasons to change their last name or it is something that I would of already done. I have a both a friend and an aquatint who never knew their biological father and the day they turned eighteen, they legally changed their name to their step fathers last name. Based on their personal experience they both encourage me to change the childrenÂs name. Regardless of the name change, I still plan to go ahead with the adoption. I believe that this would be in the best interest for the children for several reasons. One, if I die, then two of my three children become wards of the state and regardless of my wishes, legal Will, etc. It will be up to some Judge to decide who/where these children live. Usually, the courts follow the wishes of the deceased parent, but there are no guarantees. This way their step father will be able to continue to raise them and if for some he feels that he can not handle this responsibility, then I would like the children to be raised by my brother and his wife and it would be step dads decision, not the courts. Secondly, the research that I found states that little girls raised without a father influence, have a ten times greater chance of turning to a life of drugs and/or prostitution. And little boy turn to drugs and crime. Thirdly, if DH and I get a divorce, I would like the children to continue a relationship with him. My DH oldest son  a question of paternity arose when the child was only three, however, paternity was never legally challenged or determined and his name is on the birth certificate. However, his ex-wife used it as a weapon, every time he tried to divorce her. He waited until the child was twelve and could tell the courts that he wanted to live with his father and called her bluff. Needless to say he lives with us. I know that if the adoption goes through and if we fight for custody  I run the risk of loosing  Fourthly, Now I carry several very large insurance policies and when a lot money is at stake, who knows who will come out of the wood work to fight for custody. Most of the money will go to my brother for safe keeping, regardless of who gets the children. I trust him completely, but there will still be quite a bit of money that would go with the kids. My husband and I considered changing the beneficiary to him, however, he is not real good when it comes to money and feels that he would do better if my brother budgeted the money for him. Finally, I believe that it is in the best interest of the children to have a legal permanent Father. Back to the name change issue  My first husband choose to go out with his friends that night, he choose to go to a shady establishment, he choose to get involved with shady characters and I personally believe that this is what contributed to his death/murder! However, the police department did nothing (not like on TV) they did not even go to look at the scene until almost a week later. Even though there were several reports that the owner of the establishment chased him into the street at gun point  the police did nothing. I know that he did not choose to die, but I cant help being angry at him for making the choices that he did that night (Yes, I have been in and out of counseling) . However, I donÂt want to change the childrenÂs last name because I am angry at the biological father. That is why I have been desperately searching for some kind of psychological research on the pros and cons of changing a childÂs last name. As for RosieL response  As far a telling my 5 year old that I was wrong and cant change her name I will not lie to her. She is an extremely intelligent child and I believe has been blessed/cursed with an impeccable memory. It would only be a matter of time before she will discover the truth. She blew my mind the other night when she described in detail a memory that she had of her biological father (at only eight months of age). I have never told the story to any one and no one else was present except the three of us. I would rather be straight with her and tell her that I choose not to change her name and when she becomes of age, it will be her choice. She has been identified as extremely gifted and is enrolled is a special school. Currently, I try and keep their fathers memory alive with happy stories. I work real hard to maintain a relationship with their biologically grandparents and Aunts/Uncles. In MOST cases, these relationships are too stressful and end up going by the wayside. It has been and continues to be difficult on both sides. However, we keep trying. Eventually they will learn the truth of the shady circumstances surrounding his death. If by no other means, by public access to the police records. What would this do to their self esteem/ identities thinking that their legal father choose to go out and get involved with these characters instead of a life with them. As for mom_2_4 response ÂMy gut tells me there's a little coaching going on here ...  The only coaching that I do, it to encourage their current last name. As for mom_2_4 response ÂI don't blame your deceased husband's mother for being upset -- these kids are the only thing she has left of her son. And you're trying to take that from her, too. She is o.k. with the adoption and the adoption is what will take her legal rights away. She is o.k. with changing my daughters last name. She is not o.k. with changing my sonÂs last name. I guess that I am still torn over the decision to change their last name or not. I just wish I could find some research done by professional on the subject.

My fourteen year old SS just spent 10 days in the hospital. BM kept making up all sorts of stories to the doctors, which kept leading them in the wrong direction. My husband-BD was over whelmed both by this and other personal issues. I was the only one that stayed focused. However, I could not make legal decisions for the minor. The best I could do was to inform and empower SS - "If they want to do something and you are not sure about it - just say We need to talk to my dad first ..." "if your dad or I are not here, You have to use your head and make judgement calls." "Call me at work any time. Your dad is not always easy to get a hold of" I was a little leery of empowering my SS because he is a control freak "NO, YOU CANT TAKE MY BLOOD PRESURE!" And the only reason, BM did not contest my involvement with the doctors is because (Dad was not there) BM DID NOT want to sign the financial consent forms to admit SS. I agreed to sign the forms if she agreed to let me be involved in his medical care. I am actually surprised that she did not go back on her word after I signed the papers. If I was his adoptive mom, I would of been leagally able to discuss/direct his medical care. I would just imply that I was his mother. And only when pushed did I reveal that I was only the step-mom. And some doctors/nurses were little leery of continueing discusions with me.