IMHO, at 23, she needs to shutting her mouth, showing respect, or get the heck out! No choices, no options! I don't tolerate my kids being rude and never have.

She lives with you?

Let me try to rearrange the same facts in a different order:

- Your 23 year old daughter still lives at home with you and your husband. (I'm assuming since you didn't say otherwise, that you pay the mortgage, utilities and food? Is she living there for free? College student? Working? Does she help with chores?)

- Your daughter is so rude, nasty and disrespectful to your husband that they can't even be in the same room together. You're afraid this behavior will spread to your younger children, yet you have allowed this to continue for the past 21 years.

- You all allow her to say and do whatever she wants out of fear that if you put your foot down, she will leave the family home. You're too afraid to even insist that she go to counseling because "things will be said" that will cause her to leave.

This smells really bad.
Exactly how bad are those things that might be said? And how true are they?
What are you so afraid of that you're willing to live like this?
And why do you even want her to live there if she makes your home life so miserable?
Seriously -- Why do you want her to stay?

You've framed this situation in such a way that you haven't left room for a 'win'.
Your greatest leverage (kicking her out) is also your greatest fear.
Your greatest opportunity (counseling) is too scary because it will hurt somebody's feelings.

Lady, you need to make a real change!
Rip off that band-aid and give these wounds some air and if needed, medical attention.

You describe the situation more than once in words that indicate that you yourself see this as a problem *between* the two of them (i.e. "THEY can't be in the same room together", "no one wants to be around EITHER OF THEM anymore", and you used the words "ARGUMENT" and "TENSION" instead of just describing it completely as a one-way onslaught...). This is good that you have this awareness because most conflicts are a two-way street in one form or the other. True, some people are just plain mean and abusive. But especially in the case of the child in the parent-child situation, we need to consider where the mean abusive behavior was learned, and why. Even the nastiest, most abusive people in their perspective have some REASON that they cite as justification for treating others the way they do. Most frequently it is because they feel powerless to express their negative feelings otherwise. So based on this, I have a few questions:

-Have you asked your daughter directly WHY she treats your husband the way she does?

-If yes, what did she say? If no, what do you guess would be the reason(s) she gives?

-Do you see any logic or have any sympathy or understanding of what her perspective on the situation is, based on her answers (or presumed answers) to that question? Or, conversely, do you tend to invalidate her feelings? (Answer this as honestly as you can, mainly to yourself.)

-Have you asked your husband why he thinks she treats him the way she does? What does he say? Do you agree? If you have asked your husband but not your daughter, why is this?

-Are you 100% on board and behind every decision your husband has ever made regarding your daughter? (Note: this state of affairs doesn't tend to exist.)

-How does your husband wind up playing into the conflicts once they occur? Is he ever an instigator of the conflicts himself?

-Would you consider family counseling?

-What other methods of dealing with or resolving the situation between all of you have been tried?

This sounds familiar to me.

At around the same age I was going to college and still living with my parents. I also had a serious bf (now dh) and spent most of my time with him, but still lived at home. Eventually, my father and I started really getting on each others nerves. I wanted the freedom I felt entitled to and to be treated as an adult. HOWEVER, I was still living at home (mostly just there when not with bf) and I was not paying bills, but was helping out around the house. It got to the point that my dad and I hardly spoke.

Looking back the problem was me. I wanted to be a full flegged adult and do what I wanted to do at all times. I feel like this is a reasonable request of a 23 year old. However, not if you live with your parents.

I think this may be true in your situation. Your daughter just may be too old to live at home. You can't have it both ways. The comfort and security of living with mom and dad as well as the freedom that living on your own provides.

My relationship with my dad got MUCH better after I moved out. Now if he does not agree with something I do he just keeps his mouth shut because I am an adult out on my own.

Good luck.

Thank you all for your comments!! I needed that slap in the face. Trust me I plan on telling her very lovingly that it's our way or the highway. I was living on my own at 18 and her 2 brothers and sister never speak to us like she does. I truly thinks she has issues with "fathers" whether bd or sd and we have allowed this very poor behaviour and now that I'm not an emotional wreck like yesterday and have read your feedback I will definitely be relieving everyone of this stress and hopefully the relationship will be restored as she has only been rude and disrespectful for the last 2 years not 21!! That's the upside I guess once kids move out and return after college then they have had the taste of freedom and independence and true enough want to be adults but don't necessarily act like adults!!

Again thank you for your input. I'll let you know how it all turns out.