Your daughter is not there natural grand daughter?

It's NOT a mole hill. But it doesn't have to be a mountain at this point either.

If you haven't agreed to the trip, I'd be inclined to thank them for their "gracious and generous offer" but decline because "you feel it's important for vacations to include the whole family." If pressed for a longer explanation, you can say you don't want either child to feel excluded OR favored and that you work very hard to treat both girls equally.

If you've already agreed to the trip, you could explain privately to L that B is going because she's older, and that when L is older, you can all go together. (Then do some really cool 4-year-old stuff when B is gone.)

But your DH needs to step up to the plate with his parents and end the favoritism. It is damaging to your daughter, to your marriage; and it isn't at all helpful to B to have her family split into 'this side' and 'that side'. Perhaps your DH can get his parents to understand that the type of behavior they're engaging in is exactly the type of behavior they were fearing from you! And that you are rising above it, and they should be expected to do no less.

Both of my own grandmothers played favorites, and it wasn't fun to be on either side of the equation.

Has your husband adopted your daughter? If not, then your daughter is not their granddaughter, and I think it unreasonable of you to expect that they would treat her the same way. One of my relatives adopted her son in an open adoption. The son had regular contact with his biological grandparents, and although they were nice to his siblings, I doubt if they ever thought of them as their grandchildren, or vice versa. Doesn't your daughter already have two sets of grandparents, whether alive or not? Surely your ex-husband's parents don't consider your stepchild to be any relation of theirs. I would explain to your daughter that her step-sister's grandparents are not her grandparents.

Yuck... So, OtherSide, maybe while she's at it, she should explain how her stepfather isn't really her father either, and that they're not really a "family", just people who live together. That'll make her feel better.

Maybe I over-reacted OtherSide, but your "of course she's not their granddaughter" attitude really got to me.

I know I was assuming the grandparents live nearby and have regular contact with both children. Perhaps you were assuming the grandparents live far away and don't play a regular part in the child's life? That's one story, and would be somewhat different. My parents do not have a relationship with my stepchildren -- but they live 2,000 miles away and my stepkids were nearly grown when I married their father.

The part that bothers me so much is the implication that L "isn't lovable" because there's no blood connection. And that by extension, B is only loved because of the genetic tie. I do hope that's not the case.

I think you are making a mountain out of a mole hill. You must remember that there is a HUGE difference between an 8 year old and a 4 year old in what they can do at someplace like Disney World. An 8 year old can go on most, if not all of the rides. A 4 year old can't. If separated from them, an 8 year old can have some sense of how to get help, a 4 year old may not. I can see that the grandparents want to spend time with their grandchild alone. Maybe, when your younger child gets older, a trip can be arranged for her.

If you feel that the grandparents are capable of taking care of their grandchild, I think it would be unwise to not allow her to go. There will be hurt feelings on all sides, and it could cause damage to all parties involved.

Different age children receive different privileges. That is the way it always is. Don't blow this out of proportion.

I was assuming that "L" already knew her stepfather was not her father - even if her father is not part of her life, it would be difficult (and wrong) to hide that information.

No one said that "L" wasn't lovable - I think that is unreasonable to expect B's grandparents necessarily to love her, however. I think my kids are plenty lovable, but I don't think they expect any unrelated adults to feel that way.

I think Sweeby gave excellant advice. I also think the girls should be treated equally. GP's may have a special love of their blood grandchildren but I don't think it should ever be shown in front of the two children. I will also say I can't understand how a caring adult could ever treat one of two children differently. I hope you and your husband can talk to and come to an agreement with your inlaws about your being a "family", all four of you. Good luck.

I want to thank you all (with the exception of "theotherside") for some valuable help.

As in reply to "theotherside"
My In laws have been a part of L's life since the age of 6 months. To her they are her granparents. Just as my parents are B's grandparents. There has not been an adoption, reason being that L's father plays a huge role in her life. She knows the differnece between her real father and her step-father, but loves them the same.
We are a family...this includes my parents and siblings and his parents and siblings. There may not be a blood tie, but there are family ties. These are people we see on a regular basis. (they live 20 minutes from us) And they have NEVER been excluded from any family functions. I am just hoping they do the same.

I am going to attempt, in the nicest way possible, to speak with my in-laws on theses issues. I plan to explain to them the favortism they are showing is being seen by both of my girls and it is unfair to them.

Thank you again.

I ahve been reading through some other posts in this forum and have found that there are some amazing people here that are soooo helpful.

I have also found that 'theotherside" is VERY hurtful. I would like to tell you that in no way, shape, or form are you a posotive person. What are you thinking when you tell people things, such as the things you have told me???? Is it enjoyable for you???? Do you think people value your 2 cents???? Please feel free to let me know!! I would love to know where you are coming from!

Could it be possible that maybe money is playing a issue in them only being able to take one grand child? And also the age. For some older grand parents two at one time is alot on them a 8 year old is easier to watch and take care of then a 4 year old.

I am a step-mother, and my husband has 4 grandchildren of his own and there is one step-grandchild. She is and always will be treated the same as all the others. Kids do not see people as we as adults do. To me for any adult to treat a child different is just mean and can be very hurtful in years to come. Tori your husband really should be the one to put and end to this.

AS for theotherside...IT just is not human. IT left some pretty mean words on one of my post. I think when someone is not happy and trys to make everyone around them feel like they arent worth anything, its because that is how they feel about themselves. theotherside is a very very sad person. theotherside you will be in my prayers and may god bless you.

If L's father plays a large role in her life, surely he has taken her fun places without B. What if he wanted to take his daughter to Disneyworld? Would you expect him to invite B as well? Would B's parents even let her go if she were invited?

With the increased airline security and id requirements, it could be a problem for the grandparents to even take L with them on the plane.

In blended families it is unreasonable to expect the relationships among extended family to be the same as they would otherwise. I wouldn't expect my kid's father's current wife's parents to give my kids Christmas presents, etc., and I think his wife's kids would be understandably hurt if their grandparents treated my kids as if they were equal in their affection.

The people who suggested that the age difference may be a factor also have a valid point. It may be hard for a 4 year old to understand any of this, but surely the adults can, and it is up to them to explain it in terms a 4 year old can understand.

Give up on trying to reason with TOS. She's locked in her miserable life and hoping that she can make others miserable just like her.

I personally wouldn't take a 4 year old to Disney World. An 8 year old is a lot easier to handle at a crowded place like Disney World or an airport. And I think that older people seem to be more insensative to others feelings, maybe due to the time period they grew up in? So maybe they just didn't realize how insensitive it was to only ask the 8 year old and not the 4 year old? But I do think it should be your husband'd job to discuss this with his parents, because if you do they may be angry with you and then they may resent you and your daughter.

"I think his wife's kids would be understandably hurt if their grandparents treated my kids as if they were equal in their affection."

Wow... not even going to comment on that one...

Tori I had some problems with this with my side of the family, I have two SS (10 and 6) who are much older than my boys (2,1) and I remember my father making an offhanded comment about my skids just being 'his boys' at one point I was lucky enough though to have my mom there to jump down his throat. I've been lucky that they have treated all the boys equally because, despite how some people post, they are just kids and kids do not understand discrimination from adults especially from someone they understand to be family.

I would definitely have your husband talk to them, that is ridiculous behavior on their part especially since they have been in her life so long. It wouldn't be a horrendous request if she was still an infant who couldn't travel but a four year old is quite portable and of the age where Disneyland is heaven. If they have financial concerns on taking both children or have a specific reason why they only want the 8 year old to go (some older folks have a hard time managing multiple little ones) they should have approached the whole trip with tact and with an activity for the little one as well. IE. 'I'm sorry your not old enough to go with us on this yet but we're going to do X just us and when you're older you can go too'

I think its funny this occurs alot with natural grandparents as well. My cousin got a 100K check when he graduated highschool to pay for his college...I got a sweater. lol.

When I 'fully' entered into my relationship with my hubby... I made it clear that I accepted my Sks as my own and expected my family to act accordingly. That meant and still means that I expect ALL birthday's to be acknowledged by all family all christmas' to be equal..etc. That means if they plan on buying a million things for my daughter (which they do b/c she was the only grand child/niece) then I expect them to do the same for everyone else. This even applies to my daughters paternal grandmother. Even though, her father is no longer here and gma has no obligation to my SKs I will not have children left out. Children do not understand the complexities of grown up life and for that matter do not need to. They are our little innocents and for as long as that can be maintained... I will make sure of it happening.

That is not to say that there are some exceptions... ie: my daughters paternal grandmother took her on a trip to
Maryland for a family reunion. Obviously, the other kids did not go... but this was a different scenerio. This was a chance for her to meet family on her fathers side that she would not otherwise get the chance too. The other kids really would not have enjoyed or been allowed to go(bm). But, for the most part... it is and should be the same for all. Now, if there was a reason such as ... it is hard to take a 4yr old to disney b/c they can't ride all of the rides or that they are planning on making it one on one and then one on one... then that is different. (and something my own grandparents did since there were four of us growing up) But, to take the older one to the exclusion of the younger solely based on the whole they are not my 'real' grandchild... is unacceptable in my house. I have said this before but...

I can not control what others do, but I can control what happens in my home and with my family.

I think people can have different ideas. Mom of 4 said when she "fully" entered into relationship with hubby . . .
I do think this is a matter which should be discussed before marraige. OP's DH may not want to cut off his parents contact with his child, so there may be conflict here. He may be saying as the things that his parents do with his child are not age appropriate for a younger one, there is no need to battle. By the time OPs daughter is 8, the older one may want to be off with her friends, and not interested in GPs. GPs may be too old at that time for trips, especially camping.