as an adult daughter/step daughter, they are behaving how they were allowed to behave as children. Dad is probably giving in out of guilt or habit. He needs to set his foot down like mom and say, we are not playing these games. It makes everyone's life chaotic. It's manipulative to say "I'm coming for a visit because I miss you", then turn around and say "I can't come because of money". It's manipulative. I remember doing things like that as a kid. They are adults and can figure out what it costs and if they really want to go, they save for it. Why save when they know they can get dad to pay? Then not show up. and next time, will he do it again?

I'd tell him that we teach people how to treat us and by tolerating their actions, he (without saying it) encourages them to continue to treat him that way. It sounds like mom has had enough and put her foot down.

I agree with you iammommy. Thanks for your insight.

The funny thing is that he paid for airplane tickets, then they changed their mind and stayed with their mom on his expense! They changed plans about 10 times during three days so far and it created a lot of chaos in our lives.

It is a continous struggle and confusion for him and me. I expressed my concern to him that he needs to make his plans, inform them and stick to it and if they change their plans they have to deal with the consequences. I have no power over this though and although i expressed my concern in a polite form, I see no change. I do worry about it.

My daughter was raised differently and she is not and never will be any kind of problem for mine or my ex's personal lives. She is realistic and understanding. It is very different with my BF's daughters. It concerns me.

They are well adjusted when it comes to career and education areas of life, but very poorly adjusted in everything esle. They also have a lot of anger in them and need to be tip-toed around. When my BF refused to pay $1000 for his daughter's cat treatment she called him every word possible and he paid the bill right away. Once again she is 26, lives in a different state, he paid her undergrad and grad school (Columbia is not a cheap place ha), sends expensive gifts, calls regularly and over all is a good father (in his opinion good parents are the ones who let kids to do whatever) but it terrifies me how they run his life and how it is going to effect our relationship in the future. I admire that their mom stands firm and does not allow to be manipulated.

Oh forgot to mention when girls (26 one is also called a girl lol) visit they demand that he cooks elaborate breakfasts, lunches, and dinners from scratch daily. After their visits he is very exausted from cooking and cleaning.

I don't know if it's a conscious choice to manipulate their parents that way, but it IS manipulation. It needs to change.

I'm in my midtwenties and would never dream of pulling those stunts on my dad and SM!
I do occasionally ask my dad for money, but I'm a grad student. I sometimes ask him to take me to the grocery store to help me stock up on staples, not buy me a plane ticket and then not show up!!

I agree that your guy should stop permitting this behavior. It's probably going to be really hard for him though, especially since you said that he thinks a good parent lets the kids do whatever they want... Saying "decide right now or don't come at all" will probably be perceived as a big slap in the face by his daughters and they might throw whiny snits and say "You don't want us there! You're being unreasonable! If you really loved us, you'd be accommodating! Waah waah waah!" (I'm not kidding, I have a 27 y.o. acquaintance who behaves that way with her parents)

My dad loves to make breakfast when I go visit (it's the only meal he knows how to cook) but it's usually toast, sliced cheddar or fruit, and poached eggs with juice and coffee... I clear the table and do up the dishes.
Maybe he should encourage that - would he make a simple breakfast and then just walk away?? "What a nice treat to have breakfast with you girls, but I have a golf game/dentist appointment/coffee with a friend in 15 minutes. Could you please do the breakfast dishes, get a salad ready and set the table for lunch while I'm gone? I'll grill the chicken and make garlic toast when I get back. Thanks!" and BOLT out the door. If they didn't do those things, tell them to do it while he grills the chicken.
Adult children should not be coming home for pampering!!

How about if they want to come visit, he asks them to buy their plane tickets themselves and he will pay them back when they arrive? They must both have credit cards or a small bit of savings for this type of thing, right? Would he be willing to do that? That way, he's still paying, but lessening the room for their manipulations and plan changing...

I can understand how you'd be worried about how they'll affect your relationship! One of my stepsisters is very demanding on my SM and it puts a lot of strain on my dad. StepSis asks my SM to come stay with her for a week "to help out" about every three months. Since she and her BF had a baby, she's been asking them to buy things for the baby that my parents just can't afford and laying a guilt-trip on my SM when they can't.
My dad struggles with seeing his wife manipulated by her daughter and occasionally phones me because he's frustrated that SM has come back exhausted and feeling bad about herself.
SM is getting better about saying no to StepSis. She even did my suggestion about bolting after breakfast last time StepSis came to visit (I was so proud of her!) and I've really seen it getting easier for my dad!

thanks seph, my situation is that I am not SM and we don't live together so i really cannot say anything. It frustrates me but what can I do?

At least once a month younger daughter comes home from college. She constantly gives conflicting info so at least one weekend a month we have ruined weekend. Not because she comes over-it is wonderful that she does but she ends up not spending any time with her father or mother but she demands that they make plans to be with her. Or both parents end up sitting home the whole day in order to see her for maybe one hour.

That's what she says in just one weekend:
"I want you to pick me up at 10am from college,

no better pick me up at noon,

(after he already made arrangements to pick her up)no, I don't need to be picked up i will get a ride,

ok, pick me up at 11, when he gets there she sleeps or is somewhere else and cannot be found

i will stay with you,

i will stay with mom,

take me shopping at 2pm,

(after he comes home at 2PM) no i can't go now, take me shopping at 5pm,

i am will be home for dinner and i want home made food,

(after he already cooked dinner)i am staying overnight at friends house and won't eat dinner at home,

drive me back to college in the morning,

(after he already made plans to drive her) don't drive me to college, my friends will drive me,

i need $100,

no i need $200,

i changed my mind i am not coming this weekend at all!!!

dad, stay home today because i want to spend time with you,

(when he stays home)i changed my mind i will be hanging out with my friends"

it is ongoing list of her statements and plan changing during just one weekend!!!!And we go through this monthly. And then during holidays and vacations he has the same thing coming from both daughters.

older daughter is a teacher so she has long breaks, every school break he goes through her plan changing routine. Last Christmas break he said that it is the last break when he allowed this to happen. Oh well, Christmas break is coming up again and I am anticipating the same turmoil once again. Now, tell me if it is not frustrating!!!

The same thing happened to my husband and myself. We paid for stepchildren's plane tickets at a huge expense to us, and biomom took over planning their entire time here without discussing anything with her ex. He and I were excluded from everything.

It won't ever happen again. Husband finally got it.

yeap. Sounds similar. My BF and his X do not talk to each other and are on very bad terms so there is no discussing of anything. BM said she won't pay for tickets because their daughter makes more than mom, and there is no need for that (BM sounds very reasonable to me), then she asked dad and he paid. . Pure manipulation.

Today oder daughter announced that she is not coming for Christmas break. Since younger daughter does not stick around much anyways we would be planning something and I can guarantee that shortly before holidays older daughter will call and say: I am coming to visit. I bet 100% that's what is going to happen.

Last year she planned on pursuing PhD in our state, quitting her job and living with dad for all 3-4 years of PhD course. Then few months ago she said she wants her dad to move to her state to take care of her future children (she is not married)in 10 years when he retires. He told me "It is all talk, she is just talking". But everybody is anxious and alarmed at all times not knowing what is going to take place with these girls.

lol lol I was right, two days passed and older duaghter changed her mind about Christmas break, now she says she is coming for Christmas, two days ago she said she isn't coming. Oh boy

I think I'd stop sending them money for sure!

Maybe agree to reimburse them their air fare once they appeared on the doorstep, if they indeed do need the financial help, but no money up front.
.............
.............

My brother used to hold the whole family, & all the guests, hostage every Christmas-

My mother, & in later years my aunt, always told everyone what time dinner was to be served, usually 1:00 if I remember, yet this brother never showed up until 4:30 or so.

& they'd wait for him.

I finally began eating a late brunch & bringing a crockpot of cheese dip & a bunch of chips for the rest of us to munch on.

Eventually, I realized that I was wasting most of Christmas day, that I didn't enjoy it, & that I never could head back home, a 90 minute drive, until after dark, so I just stopped going.

never could get them to serve dinner & let my brother & his wife eat it cold, never could figure out why one person was handed the power to ruin the plans of an entire houseful of people.

same here.

Announce what your plans are, & then follow your plans.

They can squeeze in...or not.

Enjoy your holiday.

it is not my business but what annoys me is that she does not need any financial help, she makes a VERY good money, she is also very frugal spending her own money, most of what she makes goes to her savings, she only keeps some of the money to pay bills. so her savings are astronomical for her age, in fact my SO said that her saving account is bigger than his and he makes 3 digit figures.

On top of everything she has very expensive tastes when it comes to others getting her stuff. She only accepts very expensive gifts, if it is something mediocre she does not open a box. I am serious. My BF showed me what type of tea set china he got her before I met him. when I saw it in a store I was like whow. He said she looked at it inside the box, did not open it and did not take it out, did not say thank you and was mad the hole holiday. she was openly offended. same with jewerly.

he dreads holidays every year because not only gifts have to elaborate and unique, he needs to give additional cash to go with it. In any case should our relationship go any further I can see her as a huge problem in the future. in fact both girls.