Rosegarden Here is an updated written version of our system, it is not on my website cause I had trouble cut and pasting it into the website program. Did you tell us how big of a pond you're making? Our Pond System... Our system is a gravity fed system which means: The filter tubs are buried in the ground. The water in the tubs is at the same level as the pond water. The entire pond bottom is slightly tilted toward the bottom drain so that any accumulation of fish waste that settles on the bottom naturally gravitates toward and through the drain. We do daily water changes by adding 10 to 15 minutes of fresh water every day and letting it run over the pond sides. Fortunately for us we dont have to use de-clor. We estimate that these water changes amount to about 30-35% water changes in a week. We also once or twice a week lay the hose on the pond bottom to help sweep any accumulated yuck toward and to the bottom drain ( this way mulm doesnt have a chance to accumulate if you keep this up on a regular basis). If you do this you have to make sure you have an anti-siphon valve, to prevent the pond water from going back into the drinking water.. The dirty pond water is continually exiting the pond and going through filter tubs, the first tub has three compartments, each compartment has various filter material, to filter the water and trap fish waste etc. After the water goes through the three tubs it travels (gravity fed) underground to a separate biological pond that is filled with vegetation. The water enters this biological pond from tubing that is on top of a waterfall, the water spills down the waterfall and travels through the biological pond getting scrubbed by all the vegetation in it's path. The water then exits the biological pond, travels underground again (18 feet) and re-enters the pond from under the small wood dock in back of the pond. This process is continually in force 24/7. There is three filter tubs daisy chained together. The first compartment in the first tub gets cleaned every 5 to 14 days (the clarity of the pond water governs this task if the water loses its crispness we will clean it more often. In spring every few days may be necessary cause we are surrounded by oaks and all the pollen that falls into the pond and sinks turns the water a tea color if we don't keep on top of it. Once the fist spring pollen droppings are over every five to 14 days is sufficient. We use various filter material, quilt batting is one of them. As I said previously, the first tub is divided into three compartments, each compartment has filter material wrapped around a divider. The filter material in the first compartment is what gets cleaned every fifth day. My head groundskeeper fills 5 gallon tubs with pond water and rinses the filter material up and down, then waters all the plants with this water, he re-fills the 5 gallon tubs and keeps rinsing the material until it is clean. This takes 45 minutes. Now he could just rinse the filter material by hosing it off this would take only five minutes, but it is all how you look at things....to him it is therapeutic and he enjoys doing so. And since he is an avid gardener he enjoys walking around watering all the plants with this water in the tubs. We also have underground sprinklers so watering the plants by hand with this pond water is not necessary but to him it's enjoyable. My point being that with a bottom drain you could clean out the filter material every fifth day with a hose and have it done in ten minutes. The advantage to the bottom drain, is the pond never needs vacuuming, never needs to be emptied in early spring for cleaning. We also have a skimmer that is under the little dock in the back, this only traps the stuff that floats on the surface, in early spring when the trees are dropping their pollen the basket needs to be emptied 2 to 3 times a day. In summer we don't even have it hooked up because we use the pump that operates the skimmer for additional waterfalls. The skimmer is only used spring and fall. I hope I covered everything. The bottom drain is very effective in a large pond. In my opinion, it is the single most important thing you can do for your pond, everything else you can improve upon later. We added the skimmer and biological pond the second year. It is a system that has served us well for 11 years. Our pond is always clean and has crisp water to view the fish, which are the main attraction. We do not use a UV light because this filter system works so well, we dont have the need for UV light. I, as well as many others always tout the merits of the Bottom Drain, and a rock less pond floor so that the waste doesn't get trapped in between the rocks. The only part of our pond that has rocks is the 4 x5 section in front of the lower pond deck. These rocks are hosed off and turned to expose a clean side usually every two weeks, usually a large amount of crud is released from these rocks when the beach is cleaned every two weeks...when we hose the beach, the crud is released into the pond and flows toward the bottom drain.

Thanks everyone for your insight and input. Your comments fit right in with what friends tell me but I kind of wanted to get an unbiased opinion from people who don't know me. I have to agree that the whole thing is creepy and fishy. I cannot imagine not seeing or contacting my children for such a long time in the first place, but of course he says that is all my fault. I can't imagine not wanting to spend every second with them if I hadn't seen them in such a long time. He is such a creep. I have heard over and over again that I had no right to "take his children" away from him and that because of ME he has no relationship with them. Ummm...not buying that one buddy. When I was growing up I had one Grandma in the UK, one across the country and both of them managed to create and maintain a relationship with me back in the days when there was no email, no free/cheap long distance, and certainly little face-to-face contact. I seldom saw them but when I did we were comfortable with each other because we had a long-standing relationship. Why were my Grandmothers able to do that and my ex is not able to do so with his own children?? Because it was a priority to my Grandmas to nurture a bond and it obviously isn't a priority for him. He takes the easy way out by blaming it on someone else. Unfortunately what this entire situation has taught me is that the legal system is really, really messed up. Even though he has abused and stalked me, I CANNOT keep him away from his children because he has never "harmed" his children. I was warned of that in court by the judge who oversaw our case...my God, how could his behavior have NOT harmed our children? So the option of not allowing unsupervised visits is really not an option. As many of you already know, the court will not back me up until AFTER something happens. That really sucks. Anyway, I've decided that I will email him and tell him that his plans are not acceptable. I will drop the boys off and pick them up...haven't decided if it will be at the hotel or at the police station. I'm going to stop by the station this week and find out what the police would be willing to do...actually I had already planned on explaining the situation to them in advance of his arrival but I need to check if I can do the drop off/pick up there. My boyfriend has already insisted that he be with me no matter where the exchange occurs, even if it is the police station.

Thank you all for your suggestions and advice. I really appreciate it. I'll try to address some of your questions. It would have been great if we could have started fresh with a new house, but with our situation it just wasn't possible. And I LOVE the rest of his big family. They are very kind and sweet to me, so I try to focus on them. I keep trying to remember that it's only been three years since her death and we have only been married for a year. Everything takes time. I have put a picture of the boys with their mom and dad in the room where they stay when they visit. I've offered them nostalgic items (son's baby cup, pictures, etc.) but they won't take them. My husband has been somewhat helpful with cleaning/getting rid of things, but the mess doesn't bother him as much as it does me. As for the talk with the DIL, I wouldn't go out on the porch with her. I told her she could talk to me in the living room with my husband. We live on a very busy street in a small town. I don't want everyone seeing me on the porch having a discussion with her. Plus I wanted my husband to hear everything that was said so something didn't get twisted. I didn't say much. I refuse to fight. I just said it will take time. My heart was pounding and I was so afraid I would say something I would regret. All that was solved was that they expressed they didn't care if I cooked/ had room ready for them/ etc. (so I won't do it), and I told them that I wanted them to keep house picked up (If you get it out, put it back). So when they left they put everything back. When I cleaned today I noticed a window blind was broken and the rug had a huge pulled place and it ruined. They have been gone for three days and my husband is back to being the normal sweetheart that I married. He's very affectionate and acts like nothing happened. I suppose I may just have to come to the realization that a few weeks out of the year will be tense. I know they are coming for Christmas. I'm dreading the holidays. How should I let them know that I appreciate that they cleaned up after themselves? I'm upset about the rug/blind, but can't really bring myself to say anything. I want to spend the holidays with my husband, but don't see that possible. I fantasize about taking a Christmas trip to the beach/Disney to escape it all. Please give me more suggestions. I really appreciate it!

First off, don't worry if SM or her family was laughing... if they were, they laugh at bad parenting? That makes her a bad parent for thinking it is okay. As much as I dislike my SD's BM, I would never encourage or allow SD to talk to her like that, nor would I enjoy hearing it. I certainly would not have much respect for my DH if he told her to talk to her mom like that. Why is he changing venue? Is there a hearing on other issues? It seems pointless to move a case for no reason. The reason to move a case if for convenience because the old venue is too far & in your case, neither of you live there but if there are no hearings scheduled, it would be silly to waste the court's time with it. If he is planning to file for a hearing at the time he asks the court to change venue, that makes more sense. At that point, you should also file: 1: an objection to dispute the change of venue if it is going to mean you have to go further for hearings. If the current venue is more convenient for you than moving it to where he lives, say so. Otherwise you will be driving even further if something comes up in court. 2: a motion to address all issues that need to be addressed, including support. He wants to address issues... address ALL issues. I would also include mentioning that he admitted encouraging your teenage son to talk to you like he did. Teens are hard enough to deal with sometimes & don't need extra encouragement, especially from a parent, to treat the other parent poorly. The judge should hear about that. Forget what he accuses your DH of... that is probably because he is getting advice & help so he thinks you must be too. Or maybe it's a tactic to get you riled up... like telling you he's taking you to court. Maybe he wants a reaction... so give him one. React with calmness & work diligently to defend yourself in court. Do not defend yourself or your DH to him. He isn't going to listen anyway, that's why you can't a word in edgewise. Really, you can complain to the court that he talks badly about you to your son. The court will tell him not to & may even hold him in contempt... but they still cannot MAKE him stop talking badly about you. But as your son gets older, he will make his own decision. He may, unfortunately, stick with his dad against you... or he may decide to have less (or nothing) to do with his dad. Especially after he becomes a parent himself... he will understand better how wrong his father is being now.