Oh I feel for you!!

When we got the last decree finalized we covered EVERYTHING from exactly what time and what days what events to who was driving which way on which day...then we found out no matter what you have on paper, BM will be BM...she still tries to cancel her visitations or reschedule them as she didn't make plans to accommodate the few time slots she has her children...I hope having it 'in writing' works better for you than it did for us!!

Before my DH had a written custody/visitation order, his ex did the same thing. She was constantly changing days/times to fit her schedule, we would rearrange ours and she'd change it again. Finally, we got a court order and on the day of court, she called less than an hour leaving the courthouse and wanted to change weekends because she had plans. We finally said, no (it was also the weekend of our first wedding anniversary). Told her she was in court when they said it was going to be her weekend and she didn't say a word about her plans. She continues to change things and if she calls to say she will be late or wants us to pick up SD early, we go ahead and do it. She's never asked to get her early or keep her longer so we don't have that problem. At the beginning of the school year, I made a years worth of Calendars and made two copies. I sent her one and on each day, it shows where SD is going to be and on exchange days, it says what time and who will pick her up. I did this because SD was getting confused about when she would be with either of them and would get upset and cry about it. Now, she can go to her calendar and see & mom has the same info. The down side, is now SD knows when mom is late or sending her back early. I kinda worry about how that makes SD feel but I have no control over what her mom does. DH has stopped answering her calls and she was sending text messages for a while, but he also told her to stop & didn't respond to them.

When he goes back to court, I'd ask for an order restraining her from calling him at work unless it's a medical emergency involving their children. He might also explain to whoever answers the phone at work, that if she calls they could tell her to stop, unless it' a medical emergency. (I say medical because she seems to think ANYTHING to do with his daughter is an emergency) I would also be specific about what time on holidays and who is picking up/dropping off. Our order says she picks her up at school, we get her from her house. But she will call us at the last minute & have her ride the bus and she picks her up whenever she gets here. and we get calls that she's decided to go back home (she lives 2 hrs. away but comes to the next town over to visit her mom) and leaves SD with her mom and tells us to go pick her up there. I would only include Grandparents day if anyone celebrates it, but if they do, then yes. and you don't mention school conferences but if that's an issue, you might include it.

We also included where it specifies phone call days/times. I make sure SD calls her every day during the specified time but a lot of the time, she lets it go to voice mail. BM likes to call later in the evening & we found that the calls just before SD goes to bed seem to upset her. Her mood or attitude after the calls changed and sometimes she would be crying or upset. so, I would include that too, if needed.

I forgot about phone calls ... she calls whenever she feels like... even if its 11pm. midnight on the weekends. but she calls the 12 yr olds cell so half the time we don't even know he is on the phone.

Unless its court "ordered" she will not do it. If school conferences on not on "her day" she does not go. Unless the school concert is on her day she does not go.

I do the calendar 3 months at a time because of the kids changing schedule ... gymnastics day changes chess club day changes, whatever it may be.

She is calling him on his company cell phone. Has been told repeatedly not to call at work just doesn't care.

Right now she picks them up at school and drops off at school and drops off here on sunday afternoons. So at this point transportation is on her ... but I will include she provides all transportation to and from the visitations.

I just got back from the courthouse ... she wants court ordered counseling even though she has been told repeatedly that the counselors they are/were seeing are not covered by our insurance so its $96.00 per session. $1152.00 a month for counseling and she refuses to pay for any medical expenses (reason. they don't get reported on your credit even if you don't pay them).

in CA it's usually standard order that both parents share unreimbursed medical expenses 50/50. If she wants court ordered counseling, she should pay at least half if not all. It might be able to be calculated into the support order if it gets ordered.

for phone calls, like I said, it was written that she gets one call between the hours of 4-6 every day. I have SD make the call and if she gets through, fine. If BM doesn't answer, she leaves a message. We answer the phone if she calls back within those hours. Outside of that time, we let it go to voice mail. (She usually calls after she know SD is asleep and it's more to talk to DH) As for her calling him at work, does he talk to her? He needs to be firm and in a monotone voice, tell her "I'm at work and can't talk" and hang up on her.

and medical bills do get reported to your credit report if you don't pay them. Several years ago, I had several surgeries and some of my bills went to collections and yes, they ended up on my credit report. If they are paid, it may not impact your opportunity to buy a house or car but it does affect your score.

Medical bills certainly DO go to collection and most assuredly will affect your credit if they are left unpaid.

Some quick suggestions...

Define the start and end times of the holidays. Most of the ones in our agreement are from 8AM to 8PM. We had to litigate the end time though of 4th of July as being 9AM on July 5th. Originally BM was fighting to keep it at 8PM which would essentially prevent us from ever getting to watch fireworks with SS. Also I wish we could go back and redefine the end time of Thanksgiving. I wish we would have also included the Friday. As it is right now we are never going to be able to do any type of traveling on Thanksgiving with SS on the years we have him. Small potatoes, but still something to think about.

You may also want to think about including biodad and biomoms birthday as "holidays". I can't remember from your posts, but if there is more than one kid than you may want some language that the kids stay together on their own and their siblings birthdays - meaning, if one of the parents have the kids for the birthday but it's the otehr parents normal visitation period, that both kids stay together and the normal visititation parent can't only give the birthday kid to the holiday parent and keep the other one. Not sure if I made that make sense. Luckily there is only one kid involved in our situation but I know of another family where this is an issue.

as for transportation our agreeemnt says that receiving parent provides the transportation and if that parent doesn't pick up the child at the designated time and location than that parent forfeits that visitation.

Medical bills not going on your credit? That is definitly not true! But I would allow her to learn that lesson!

that's a good point, siblings birthdays. He/She should be able to attend their siblings birthday parties, etc.

and I have seen it written into one order that if the parent did not pick up the child, they had to pay the other parent $50. (I guess for childcare or inconvenience in dealing with cancellations or changed plans) Just remember that when you force the other parent to "forfeit" a visit because they are late or want to change times, etc. that the child is the one that also loses out. My son's father would not answer the door or take my son somewhere else if I were 10-15 minutes late for my weekend. The order said 6pm and it also said after 30 min. the visit was forfeited. I was never that late but if I were a few minutes late (after a 2 1/2 drive) he would hide him until it was 30 minutes. (eventually, he was found in contempt for doing that but in the end, my son is the one that suffered the most) Just something to think about.

"We had to litigate the end time though of 4th of July as being 9AM on July 5th. Originally BM was fighting to keep it at 8PM which would essentially prevent us from ever getting to watch fireworks with SS."
Too funny starr - we just went through that this summer as BM tried the same thing - though we have always given her the evening.

A few more things we added:
Don't only specify the times she can call, specify the times you can call skids when they are with her. We have that contact must be made every other day unless there is an emergency. This means she has to allow SD to call us if they are going to be out and we can't call her.

Another tidbit we added that was helpful because though it didn't stop the behavior it caused her to be in contempt of court when doing it is:

The parties shall not have substantive discussions in the presence of hearing of child. For example, without limitation, the parties shall not discuss custody proceedings or arrangements, parenting time arrangements, support, or conducts and activities of the other parent. No discussion shall occur at pick up or delivery except greetings, pleasantries of the day, or discussions of child's current immediate physical or emotional well-being that is essential to child's care and can not be adequately communicated either before or after pickup/delivery by telephone or email. All conversations of this nature will take place while child is asleep or away from the home.

Also: Child will not be used as a messenger between the parties, nor as a means to solicit information regarding the other party or household. In the interest of the child, concerns that either parent has will be discussed the adult parties and in no way involve the child. Like3wise, issues or conflicts between the parties and their spouses or significant others will not be a topic of discussion between either parent and child.

One other thing: Parenting time is subject to at least two activities, and both parents are to make sure child attends, excepting an emergency or pre-arranged absence.

CLARIFY EVERYTHING. You may think it silly now, but you will appreciate it later!

Since it seems to be very frequent that it "goes back to court", it might be worth it to try to get some kind of judgement restricting how often it can be re-opened. I am sure its costing everyone a fortune in legal fees, and judges in general dont like to be used as war weapons by people that just want to continually litigage. He may issue a ruling against her filing every few months.

She calls DH on company phone or company cell phone?

If it's company phone,then someone (boss or other) may need to tell her to stop calling or they will file harrassment against her.

If it's cell phone,Dh should be able to put JUST HER NUMBER under a silent ring or vibrate so when she calls it isnt disturbing anyone and he can just ignore it.If it's an emergency,then she will leave a message.
That is total BS that she bothers him at work like that.

Its a company cell phone.... I don't want to call his company and sound like the bitter new wife and ask for the security code to block her number... but thats what it is coming to ...and then with my luck something will happen and she won't be able to contact him. Because its a company cell phone he has restricted use of security features its a very basic phone.

I was wondering about that if we could get some sort of stay... saying this will be revisited in 1 year or something.... he has had to go pro se for the last 3 times because it was costing $1000 atleast every time he went to court. Between time off of work and court/lawyer fees. Most of the stuff can be done for "free"... $50 to have her served. Hubby took her to court in september and october. Now she is taking him.... although we are filing tomorrow (contempt and modification with extreme clarity) in a detailed parenting plan.

We already have an order: Neither party can discuss litigation and CS with the children ... (she breaks that order weekly)

She wants mandated counseling for the children... hubby will be asking for mandated counseling for all. Group/family counseling. And for her to be billed for the co-pays and he will reimburse her for paid bills.

We allotted time on each holiday for each parent included certain eves.... christmas new years july4th easter thanksgiving the day after thanksgiving plus all other holiday birthdays for the whole group. mother and fathers day. halloween. vacation weeks. Phone calls. Asking for medical co-pays and prescription co-pays to be factored into CS...she wants a reduction in CS but still won't pay her share of medical expenses related to the children. She owes over $7000.00 in back support.

The two boys had projects due today at school ... they both needed finishing up 10 yr old brought his with him on friday to moms ... it was destroyed in the car on friday night. So he will get an F I am sure today. The 12 yr started doing his last night at 8pm. even though I asked him when he came home at 5 did you finish your homework? yes was his response.

Its all petty stuff ... but over time it just adds up to being totally ridiculous stuff.

She owes that much in back support? They havent suspended her liscense yet? I wonder if they will do something about that when you guys go to court.
Also,if she gets an income tax return that can be taken too.
The state I live in is STRICT when it comes to CS.They really dont mess around.One late payment and a notice from MVA comes in the mail about liscense suspension.For real they throw people in jail too over it.

UGH,so how long do you have until the big day?

Not sure if DOR has taken any action on her end. But this topic was an issue last week with SD8 she overheard her mother on the phone.... saying something about ....being lucky her father caught her before the cops did ... something with her car from october....last sunday the nephew dropped them off .... wednesday she was using a friends car to pick the kids up ... friday a friend and her picked the kids up ... we can only guess that she either doesn't have a license or her car is not registered or insured ... no clue only guessing.

She is "repaying support" $40 a week... going to take her forever to pay it off... she refused to pay for 18 months. She has been paying since january of this year. Missed 4 payments this summer.... I recall her saying they sent her a letter about non-payment. So truthfully no clue whats going on ... but whatever it is my SD cried for 3 days worrying her mom was going to jail.... and couldn't tell any one her secrets ... because if you tell secrets something bad happens to your mom....

He's going back in the middle of January.

So I have already planned out christmas to not include the days she will want to have them. She will call 15 times about what time to pick them up Christmas eve what time to drop them off Christmas day even though she told the kids ... those days were not hers so she wouldn't be able to see them. My family and hubbys family chose days for our get-togethers that would not conflict with possible days she might want the kids.