Ok, first up, you're going to get spammed on this one.

Secondly, why are you with the guy? Were his other children not with him when you were dating him?

I can't drum up much sympathy here, except possibly:
> Everything is on me

Your husband isn't doing the equal-time-responsibility thing with the kids?

My advice:
1) If your husband isn't helping, ask him to help.
2) Can you talk to the 13 year old about whatever they're doing? Is whatever they're doing a real prob, or just annoying?
3) Get out of the marriage, because you're doing his children a disservice.
4) If you can't get out, do damage controll -- control yourself, spend time away from the kids, concentrate of things they do well. If you show your disdain, if you contribute to crises, you're buying yourself problems down the line. If you enjoy arguing with your stepkids, see point 3.

Im not looking for sympathy and I know I am wrong, but i have to be honest somewhere, so I am voicing how I feel here, and being honest. Its hard, I have thought about getting out, but them my kids have no father.
Am i so wrong to be honest !! Am I so wrong to be human, its hard !! Its so very hard, I couldnt even bond with my own babies, when they were small. Because I had 2 new kids at the same time.
Before we married, I never knew we would have the 2 kids FULL TIME. No other relatives help out.
You said I will be spammed, cant anyone understand, how hard it is on me? there are now 6 kids. his do everything first, theres not much left to be special for my 4 year old that his 5 year old hasnt done first. I can get spammed and yelled at, im just wondering does anyone !! ?? Anyone know how I feel?
Please even if you write me an private emai ldoes anyone understand

Whenever we decide to marry, we marry the entire person ... all baggage included. To think that just because the ex has full custody does not mean that it will always be so. Once you marry a person with kids you should always accept the possibility that YOU may be raising them 24/7 to adulthood. People become ill (mentally or physically), die, become finanically insolvent and homeless, etc. How can you expect your husband to raise your 4 children and not feel as though you owe his children the same? I know ... some kids are obnoxious and difficult to love. There's one in our neighborhood that the sight of brings my blood pressure to unhealthy levels, but ... I don't have to live with him. As I see it, you have only 2 choices ... leave or get counseling. Personally, I think counseling would take too long to achieve the required result as quickly as you need it before you hurt the kids emotionally. I'm not saying that you are bad in any way, but you made a bad choice of marriage partner if you did not accept that these children will be raised with the same treatment as your own - possibly full time by you. I don't see any other options. I can't imagine being able to pretend to like someone that you don't for the rest of your life. Some people are simnply not cut out to be Step parents. I know I couldn't do it. At this point - you can't throw them away. You can't ask your husband to sell them. Children pick up on hostility more quickly than you can imagine. At that point - their behavior will deteriorate even further. Get help now!!!

It's understandable not to be able to get along with step kids, to hate them even. But there's a difference between understandable and forgiveable (or acceptable, or whatever). It's understandable that my 3 year old tore down his curtains because he was upset at our babysitter. But it wasn't acceptable.

So basically instead of getting yourself stuck staring at your own navel (ie wallowing), what you should do is look at "what do I do now". Proximal solution to prob -- help with kids. 6 kids is a heck of a lot, so I can understand you're at wits end with that. So:

1) see if father can help more
2) see if place(s) of work have options you can take advantage of -- creches, etc
3) see if there are cheap babysitting alternatives -- like maybe sharing an au pair with another fam or something. I found out that au pairs are actually cheaper than I had orig thought, at least here in the UK. There's prob an association that'll help arrange that.
4) can the older kid(s) help?
5) In view of the lack of family, can you set up an alternative community for yourself? Religious, learn-form-home, neighborhood mothers, nannies associations....maybe a trip to your local government web site can give you ideas of official associations.

The root of your problem -- dislike of the husbands kids:
are they causing you any *real* problems? Are they lying, lazy, steal from you, give you lip? If not, if their only sin is taking "all the newness from my kids" -- well, that sounds like you resent their very existence. I don't think a kid going through toilet training resents their siblings for being able to pee in the pot first. This sounds like you sort of subsumed your children's personalities into your own so that percieved slights to them become perceived slights to you.

Granted, I don't know you from Adam. However, this sounds like you have a lot of background issues that are slopping over everything. For one thing, I'd guess you had to hold the bag for your own 4 kids yourself, alone, for quite a while. For another, I'd bet your childhood wan't great.

I'd say, fix the can't-do-everything-myself prob first, and then sit down and take a good hard look at yourself to find out why you're acting the way you are.

Can you talk to your husband, the older child? Can you discuss this with them?

> I have thought about getting out, but them my kids have no father.

I can understand if you're staying for financial reasons, but....if you really can make it on your own, just having a "father" around means doodly, particularly if you're scarring his kids. I couldn't imagine raising my SS by myself, but still... Make sure that what you're choosing is worth it.

The reason why I'm replying in the tone that I am is that *you bought into this*. He had 2 kids. You met the 2 kids before you got married. Granted, you thought you'd have more help from family. But....you bought into the worst case scenario at the same time you bought into the best. This is something you chose -- and it sounds like you're taking out your disappointment at your own choice on his kids.

So. First step: work on getting help for the kids. This may turn things around for you. Second step: look at yourself. Good luck.

Please don't get so defensive about Joe Typist's remarks. It's O.K. to be honest here. I think that personal attacks have no place on a message board like this one. People just get frustrated and need an outlet to vent. If you really hate your stepchildren then that's that. That is who you are and you shouldn't be ashamed of it.

Not everyone likes their stepchildren. I even read a post on another stepparenting board that stated "I didn't conceive or bear these @$#^%& kids and I don't think it's my responsibility to raise kids that he had with some other woman." That poster was just being honest.

I think that you may be in a situation where you just need to figure out a strategy to "tolerate" his kids. You need to formulate a working relationship with them. You don't have to love them, you can't make yourself love them. So just remember that they are children and need a little help along. Maybe you are just expecting too much out of yourself.

You can't give what you haven't got.

First of all, JustPlainTired, you need to take a step back and take a deep breath. It sounds like you are a stay-at-home Mom bearing the major responsibility for all the kids. Are you burned out, tired and in need of a serious break? I can empathize with that -- I work at home and have kids around me all day, every day. Sometimes you just need to take some time for YOU. Some days get so hectic, or we have battling kids, or teen PMS mood swings, or terrible two's, or all of the above -- and I don't like my kids either! But I realize that it's ME, not them. That's when Mommy needs to escape upstairs and take a LONG bubble bath, complete with a glass of Merlot and a locked door. Daddys turn to mind the munchkins.

Tell me, does your husband help you at all? Do the kids help you? Are they given responsibilities around the house? Is the 13 year old mature enough to babysit for a while for you to go shopping (or something) by yourself or on a date with your husband? Is your husband attentive and affectionate, or does he reserve all his love for his kids? Does he understand how much work it takes to manage a household with 6 kids?

hi there....reading your words took me back to a long time ago (ok maybe 10 years) ago when I lived with a man that had custoday of his daughter. Bio mom was and still is..well the *same*...I did not have children of my own and I was very frustrated at raising another womens kid. I hated her at times. I look back now and see she was just being a kid. I hated seeing her or hearing her..problem she lived with us. I wanted this man to marry me and his response was how can I marry you when you hate my daughter? I stayed with "them" longer than I should have..alot longer...We broke up and it was the best for everyone...especially the daughter I am sure. I now date guys with no children. Within an exception of my b/f now who has two very nice children who are in their 20's and they are boys :-)....Good luck to you... I think you should get out now. When it gets to that point its over anyway.

Thank you all very much, the nice awnsers and the tough ones, its OK. I didnt come for sympathy so I appreciate them all, I need to hear different views.
To clear something up my 12 year old daughter is from a previous marriage but my other 3 children are with my husband 3 year old twins, and a 4 year old.
we were giving 100% custody to his 5 and 13 year old. I have had them for 3 years now, I couldnt even bond with my twins because they were put at my door.
So imaging having 2 new babies and getting 2 other kids!!!

The little boy is manipulative and the girl is a liar, and too grown, her mother did a poor job raising her, she is VERY sneaky and brings home poor grades that makes my husband angry and it spills over to everyone in the house. So i hate her bringing us such trouble. All school year long. And the boy, Ugh its so hard.
has anyone ever got therapy?
Does it work, I want and know I need help, leaving is not an option. Can I change? will it be helpful?
I want to change, I want to be happy , what are the chances

thanks so much

> has anyone ever got therapy? Does it work,
Well, counselors are people, too, There's no magic bullet called 'therapy' -- it all depends on the counsellor and the person being counselled. I was in about 5 sessions of group while I was in school -- it was less than useful, aside from the fact that it was free. On the other hand, I've heard good stories from other folks. I'm not sure the best way to find one, although maybe the folks at a women's shelter or social services could recommend one. But look for somebody that strikes you as stable and grounded themselves, with a no-nonsense attitude. You don't want to be taking advice from folks drowning in their own neuroses -- or not-helping you, to pay for their porsche.

> Can I change? will it be helpful?
I want to change, I want to be happy

Ok, well, therapy per se is not going to make you happy. What therapy does is allow us to examine our own behaviors to see what the real causes are, to determine what we want in life, to help ourselves determine effective ways of doing things, and to be able to see when we're playing games with ourselves. Often, too, it allows us to better peep the minds and motives of other people in our lives. However, it doesn't necessarily make us *happy* -- for one thing it might strip away purposeful ignorance of certain sides to our personalities. Basically, if it works right, it allows us to conduct our lives with a minimum of silliness. But it doesn't necessarily make problems go *away*.

So...hating the kids...
If we're going with the supposition that you're going to stay in the relationship, then hating the kids presense is just going to drive you further around the bend. IF you're staying, THEN you will have to deal with the kids presence. No way around it. So, you have to turn it around it your head -- is it really just them, or is it the fact that taking care of them takes time away from the other kids, and yourself?

So first off -- you're allowed to have time to yourself. Granted, you're a parent, therefore you have less time to yourself than an average mayfly. But all flippness aside, you're allowed to be by yourself and do yourself kinds of things as long as it's not, say, telephoning your husband from Toronto saying you're taking a month sabbatical.

Secondly, if you feel that your husband's kids are monopolizing your time, you're allowed to give all the kids equal attention. The family isn't just who got there first, or who got there loudest, it's everybody.

Third, look into getting help taking care of the kids. Beyond all the other ideas already posted, I think social services here offers some kind of temporary fostering program. You could look into whether that's avail in your area, unless you think it's going to open a can of worms.

Fourth,
> The little boy is manipulative and the girl is a liar, and too grown, her mother did a poor job raising her, she is VERY sneaky and brings home poor grades that makes my husband angry and it spills over to everyone in the house.

Ok, this I can identify with. There's a couple things going on here: the kids' behavior, and the father's reaction. Leaving aside the kids for the moment, let's look at the father. The statement I just quoted, along with the fact that you never say if you can talk to your husband about any of this, leads me to wonder what your husband is like. Does he have a hair trigger? Can he stand back from things? Does he help discipline the kids, all of them equally? Does he help around the house? Is he nice to you?

Reason being, a family is a spectrum, right? Bunch of people's behaviors, bunch of people's actions, etc and so forth. If your husband is adding to the problems instead of subtracting from them...you don't need a 30 year old 7th child.

So, the kids' behaviors. I can understand your frustration if they're being SOBs. If you're chosing to stay though, then you're going to need to deal with the SOBs -- effectively, rather than desrtuctively. Are there any reasons why you think they act the way they act, or do you think they're just that way? If there might be underlying reasons other than just because, you might have a hook to channel their behavior elsewhere.

The grades are not the worrisome part, because that's self-punishing. It's your statement 'she's too grown'. If you mean she's getting into real life grown up shenanigans, then I'm not sure what to tell you, other than to ask if her dad is doing anything about that.

Does she have a love for anything outside of school, is she really good at anything? Grades come and grades go, but it sounds like (obviously, from just one sentence of yours, so take it with a grain of salt) she's headed for real life problems if she doesn't have something to carry her through teenhood. Sports, art, writing, anything? If you're looking for ulterior motives, it'll get her out of your hair for a while....

I think counselling may help you develop strategies to deal with the kids, and might help you with your rel with your husband, if that needs help. On the other hand, depending on the therapist, I also think it'll bring up whether or not you should be in this marriage in the first place, and other personal issues that you may or may not want to face head on.

But, in any case, get help taking care of the kids and talk to your husband first, and then see if you need to take things further.

Re: Counseling
I have never availed myself of counseling but my sister - who is currently going through a nasty divorce has begun going. What she has experienced is that it has given her a feeling of ok ... this is normal for me to feel this way. It has made her realize that she cannot ever change anyone, she can only affect changes in herself and even that is difficult at best. It has also given her tools of how to handle the stress, sorrow, rage. I have seen a marked difference in her these past few weeks. I have seen her go from a very weak helpless middle aged woman into someone with a little backbone. She has a long way to go, but I see it happening. Not all counselors are created equal. It may take a couple of tries to find one that you have a meeting of the minds with. Its worth a try. As for your stepkids, well they may be in need of counseling as well. They have been abandoned and left in a strange home with a strange, stressed out woman calling the shots. They are unhappy and it may have nothing to do with how they were raised as much as they they are using bad behavior to release their built up rage. Counseling may help them find more productive ways of handling this. As for feeling that you can't stand their behavior at times - bio parents feel the same at times. Anyone with six kids would feel stressed out. (I grew up in a family of 6 so I know). Your feelings are all valid - you just need to learn to handle it. Even the bad behavior of the children would affect you as much if you weren't exhausted from providing for their physical needs.

After I was divorced I began seeing a counselor. It did help me see things from a new pespective. I was caught up in the anger, the stress,the frustations and a thousand other emotions of having my ex walk away from his kids to be with his secretary. It was hard to sort out. Counseling was good because an objective person was able to give me a different view. The counselor could use logic where I was using emotion. I would recommend that you try counseling. You've got a lot to deal with. I can't even imagine having 6 well behaved kids.
I agree with JoeTypist too. You need to make some time for you.

ok, you're probably sick of reading all of these replys, but you should still read 'em. Any way. first of all, since leaving isn't an option-try talking to your husband. Tell him how you feel (not in the way you described here, try sugar-coating it a little bit). Take a vacation.

Hire a baby sitter for above.Although leaving does seem the logical answer, and your reason for staying is, in a word, WRONG! Many woman raise their kids without husbands and they turn out fine. I come from a divorced family and was raised by my mother, and my brother and I both helped out. It may seem hard, and it is, but everyone was better for it in the end. Do you kids like their stepdad? because they might rather have no father than one they don't like.

Back to topic:Talk to your kids about helping around more. Get your husband to take on some MAJOR responsebilties. Have everyone talk about it. Most importantly, talk to your husband. Take pictures of your kids when they do things so it seems newer. Have them learn different things. ex: his five year old may like animals, have them learn about animals, and your kids, like...Spanish is a good thing to learn!)

Like I said before, take a personal vaction. Just bring you.

PS sorry-didn't mean for this to be long.

"To Thine Own Self Be True" always remember you have to take care of yourself and your needs first. I am so sorry that your situation made it hard to bond with your own children. PRAY PRAY PRAY. I also hate being a step parent. I have two step-daughters who lie, destroy my personal belongings, the 8 yr old poops her pants and wets the bed, they both suck their thumbs and now need braces, they use the bathroom and don't flush, pee on the seat, refuse to wear deodorant( and they are big girls the 8 yr old weighs 139 lbs and the 11 yr old weighs more than 170 lbs.) cry and wine when they are made to shower, and talk bad about everything we buy them. I have a 7 month old and am just about ready to call it quits. I have decided she is my main priority. Good Luck

mkk621....WOW!! I feel for you girlfriend. You have got to be kidding? My suggestion is the next time the bathroom episode happens make them clean the whole bathroom. After a few times of that their little tinkles will make it into the toliet and their 40 lbs "well you know" will someone get flushed. What does the father say about this? My honey would go through the roof!!

I feel much the same as you do, and it isn't getting any better. No matter what, those children will be in your life as long as you are with their father.

I have been in a similar situation for 15 years now, and most of those years, I am the unhappy one, but I am doing nothing wrong. I am just in a position to have to keep putting up with the children, now 18 & 19. Does it ever end? If not, I think I should be leaving. I'm 'just plain tired' too.

FOUR preschoolers ... 3, 3, 4 and 5 .... YIKES! That's a herd.

Ignoring the "his kids take all the newness" (but hey, yours will do it in a new way the next year, and you apparently are OK that your 12-year old and 4 year old are taking the newness from the twins"

Exhausted, depressed and resentful? Get help. If nothing else, tell hubby that he gets to take the WHOLE HERD off your hands at least one afternoon a week while you get some peace and quiet.

Some hired help, such a local teenager or even the 12 and 13-year olds (they should be taking care of their own things, pay them to teach the herd how to clean and pick up things) will also help.

And look for some counseling. You may have some issues you are not dealing with, or shoving blame for them onto the kids.