a question for the 'main mom' stepmoms

16 years ago

I mentioned this as a side note in another post, but I could use some advise on how you deal with this type of situation.

I am the main mom, and a very involved mom. I have been since DH got custody while my SD was in kindergarten. My mother was this way, and that is the way I feel mothers should be. Unfortunately, SD's mom has never been involved past attendances at activities/conferences/etc. if SD is with her, and a few others here or there. I have always stepped up when she didn't and coached/presided/prepared, whatever. Mom is the Disneyland mom, and I am the one who makes her do homework before she goes to a friend's house.

So back to the problem. Recently (I'm thinking since mom had a new baby) SD has been on this mom can do little wrong kick, where normally she has quite a few concerns about her. When I suggested that maybe mom would like to coach next year she said "she can't, she's too busy because she works and has a baby." I replied that I work more hours than she does, and have had TWO babies while coaching/leading, etc. She continued to go on about how it's not her mom's fault she can't do it, it's all these things that apply to BOTH of us. I know part of the problem is she really wants me to coach again and is looking for a way to have that happen, but I think more of the problem (I came to this realization tonight) is that I think I am taken for granted. It is expected that I will be there for her. It is expected that I will fill the mom role. That in itself is fine, but it really gets to me when she then justifies her mom's lack of involement with all these lame excuses and believes it. I feel my temp rise that she can actually say mom is too busy with a baby and an EOW daughter when we got custody a 5 yr old and had a baby within a month and somehow I did all the extras.

I don't know what I am looking for. Recognition? I don't think so. SD does give me that, and I really don't think that's it. I guess I just need to understand how that woman can be so great for doing nothing and I can be criticized for not volunteering in her classroom this year . . . when mom hasn't done it in 4 years!!

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (7)

imamommy
16 years ago
I got together with a guy in 1992. He had three kids (1, 5, 7) I had my own 1, 2, 5 yr olds. I was 23 yrs old. I did everything for all the kids, school stuff, sports, dance, scouts, plus I worked full time and went to college at night. I left in 1998 when I realized he never intended to marry me. The biggest slap in the face is (now) that they talk about how great their mom is because she lives 45 minutes away from them. All the years I was there, she was gone. She left her husband for another man that was traveling the carnival circuit... yes he was a carnie. They did that lifestyle for several years and then moved around from Las Vegas to New Mexico doing drugs and I guess being free. She never paid support and visited them once or twice a year. I guess it's good if she's not on drugs anymore but I don't know that. They don't have any contact with me since they have their "real" mom back in their lives. It was very painful and made it very hard for me to even date anyone with children again. I now have a wonderful husband and a sweet step daughter and I sometimes wonder if it will end the same way.

BTW, my dad married my step mom 20+ years ago. She had 3 kids that were grown and we were grown. About 9 years ago, she had a brain aneurysm and is to this day, in a persistent vegetative state. Her sons stopped seeing her then. Her daughter (whom my dad treated like a daughter for the past 21 years) took care of her for two years (and was paid generously by my father) before she decided it was too much for her. She was visiting once every couple of months but that stopped shortly after they tried to bring a lawsuit against my father because they accused him of misappropriating the funds of her estate. Her care costs more than her income and my dad has paid it all without any help since she suffered this. He was devastated that after treating her (my stepsister) like a daughter (more than her own father) that she would stab him in the back. Her own father once excluded her son from a family portrait because he had a different last name... real nice guy.

I've come to the conclusion that what I do may not be appreciated by the child but as long as my husband appreciates what I do, that's enough for me. I take care of my step daughter because she's a child that needs to be taken care of and I'm the one that's available. and I love my husband. I also take care of my step mom while my dad works. I do that because she needs to be taken care of and I love my dad. My dad loved her so it's important to do the right thing.
sylviatexas1
16 years ago
tip I learned from a neighbor whose daughter was seeing a guy they did not like (with reason, as it turned out):

don't argue, don't put her mother down, don't say if you can do it then her mother can do it, *don't put this girl into a position where she feels she must defend her mother*.

When she says her mom can't do something, for whatever reason or for no reason at all...

say, "okay."
Related Discussions
can mom and stepmom ever get along!?
Q
Comments (29)
Dear BioMom, if you think that sending $57 dollars a month, phoning twice a week, sending occasional care packages and contacting the teachers from time to time means parenting an 11 years old and if you really think that $ 300 a month for a child are too much because "I spend that much on my family of 4 people in the house now and that includes diapers and baby wipes! And we dont buy clothing every single month for our children, clothes in our house last a while!" (clothes on 11 year old last a season, maybe, boys at that age outgrow pants, shoes every 3-6 months) and you really believe that "I mean only the rich can spend that kind of money on One child! Dad has to keep a roof over his and his new wifes and two childrens heads anyways, just because Im not his wife anymore shouldnt mean i have to help pay his rent, food and extra's,should it? and what else is there to spend on children, I mean come on ..I pay 50% of all his medical, sports, toys, personal hygene stuff,I buy schoold supply stuff, etc."(out of the $ 57 you send every month ?).......you really live in fairyland and frankly I am not surprised that when after you chose to relinquish the custody of your child, the judge decided not once but thrice to leave your son in what is clearly a loving and stable household and not to subject him to further disruption just because you have put in your mind that now, after remarrying, moving to another state etc..you can now stand up to your parenting role.. And I think the stpmom rightly resents the fact that while she's doing the REAL job of parenting, you still feel entitled to special consideration because you are the biological mother. Well in the real world it is not so: if you up and leave a 5 year old child and somebody else I raises him (everyday, not twice a week by the phone and during the summer vacation), she justly feel she has more rights than you. You write: "I only had one child with this man, what was I supposed to stay unmarried, have no more children and spend the rest of my life, staying close to this man making sure I help with all his bills?", you know that's exactly what the "wicked, cruel, bitter, full of hatred" stepmom did find in her heart to do, staying close to this man, helping him to pay his bills and raising his son, she did exactly what you could not find in your heart to do. Nobody forced you to eave your child. You chose, and everybody, your child, his father and the stepmom had to learn and to adapt to your choice. It is abot time you do it too. And let me tell about money, this woman has put her actions (and her money or her family's money, that she could otherwise spend) where her heart is, toward your son, while you evidently have chosen to do otherwise, till now. And the idea that as this biomom has now her own children so she should just "let you have yours" is completely wrong, children are not property of the parents to leave or take back on a whim but members of the family, to be cared and respected. If you really want to rebuild your relationship with the your son's father and stepmom, you should start to behave like a responsible, dependable person, financially too so they could start to trust you instead of just criticizing and belittle them and the good job they are doing while you are otherwise occupied.
...See More
Step-Moms and Bio-Moms / Broken Dreams
Q
Comments (85)
My parents were married for 25 yrs when they divorced. Their marriage didn't come first at all. I don't know that even us kids came first...LOL. My mother has not re-married, but my father has. I have been on both sides of the fence with step-families. I was an adult when my father remarried. I have taken my approach with my SS's from what I have learned as a child of divorce, and from the mistakes his wife has made. 1. The marriage to my DH is of equal importance as his children. 2. The children need one on one time with their father regardless of how good our relationship is as a family. Whether intact or not, children need one on one time with each parent. 3. If anything were to happen to my DH, the chilren will recieve all monies from his life insurance policy, any items of his that they want, etc. It has been made clear to me and my siblings that we are not welcome to a personal relationship with our father. We are allowed to have one with him AND his wife (which is fine, but sometimes you need one on one with your parents) When I got married the first time, my father was dating his now wife. He brought her to my wedding. That was the first time I met her. They had come from out of state (about 1,000 miles) to our wedding. I welcomed her openly. She was awful. Very rude to my brothers, my mother, and disrespectful to my grandparents. She made it clear that she didn't feel that I was old enough to get married, and that she would never allow her daughter (same age as me) to get married. (I was young...21) Six months later, her daughter married a meth addict. Nice.... Anyway, over the years she's pulled some pretty crazy stuff. Alienating one of my brothers totally, and pi$$ing of the rest of us. Here's the thing. I still invite her to all family functions becuase she's my fathers wife. I remarried a while back, and she was invited to the wedding, and she sat with my in-laws, etc. I would never dream of treating her with any disrespect. I don't have to like what she does, but she is my father's wife, and that is the choice he made. My relationship with my father isn't what it use to be, and that's pretty sad, but that is his choice. I love him regardless. So, understanding both side of things, my goal is to foster a positive, fulfulling relationship between my DH and SS's. They all deserve it. What's funny, is that my DH would never allow me (or anyone else for that matter) to come between him and his kids. Nor would he allow my SS's to be disrespectful to me. I've been lucky, my SS's are very good to me. I don't know what I'd do if they weren't. I know I'd be crushed. I just don't think it's ever OK to exclude a bio OR step parent. When my SS had his 12th b-day party, he was mad at his mother still (he had moved in with us a yr before)and I told him "you invite your Mom, or no party...period". He got the message. We're teaching him tolerance. It can go a long way, just like manners.
...See More
new to parenthood and being a step-mom
Q
Comments (15)
Thank you all of you. I felt like I had a virtual hug. Which I was in great need of. My husband and I had a very long talk last night. I said that I couldn't wait for the assessment anymore and that I would have to leave. I told him that I didn't think I could ever trust him around the baby, even with treatment. He asked me to wait until the assessment is done, which he will start this week. (I can not start it as only a parent can. He also has to get permission from the ex because of joint custody). He doesn't want to send him back to his mom right now because she may not get him the help there and he will only get in more trouble. He promised to never leave the baby alone with the ss even for a minute. I gave the cat away because I wanted him to have a better life. I can't watch the baby, the cat, and the ss 24 hours a day. My DB promised that if the psychologist says that he is a threat to our daughter or myself that he will go back to his mom's immediately for treatment there. I told my DB that if I saw any aggression toward my daughter that I would leave immediately with her and he could sort the rest out. My DB still feels that his son would not hurt anyone. If you met him you would think that to. He is a very nice looking, charismatic kid. He has learned how to manipulate quite well for his age. You would never suspect that this charming kid would do anything seriously wrong. The plan is: The assessment will be done next week if possible and I will be included in any talks that take place about the ss with them. Either in person or through three way calling. My ss will be grounded to his bedroom, the kitchen and the living room and he will have to ask to go anywhere else. That way we will know where he is at all times due to the fire issue. My DB will be more strict in the discipline issue with him. I have to buy a door alarm for my daughters room that would ring off only in our room if anyone went in through out the night. Otherwise I have to sleep in her room with her.(Which I have done on occasion. We do have a regular baby monitor in her room. But the ss said that he would sneak into her room) We may have to get a nanny cam so when he is in the basement playing we will know if he is playing with matches. This is just a band-aid solution until we can get the assessment done. I just have a very hard time having him anywhere close to my daughter. I just want to scream 'get away from her'. I don't know how we are going to do this long term. We may just have to have him in activities all summer, all the time so he his hardly home. Thank you again to everyone for your advice and wishes. I will let you know how it turns out. And if there is anything I haven't thought of please let me know.
...See More
Question about being a stepmom
Q
Comments (5)
Thanks, I am glad that someone that was a stepson replied, for those are the people that really can understand what he is going through. My husband does do things alone with him, actually I would say quite often like for example he was here for a week the last time and his dad probably spent at least a couple hours each day, (since he had to work part of it) taking him to the skate park and other things with him. When he had a day off it was half of the day. So I guess we do the same, and try to not let the tenseness get to us. We have always been supportive of everything he shows interest in just like with our other kids. Another question then I have, is that it is worse when his dad has to work sometimes, he trys every hard to get time off but sometimes, life happens to not allow it and then the stress of that and the fact the SS is completely different when his dad is not around, which makes it harder. Does he go to the city with his dad when he has to work? My stepson really doesn't understand that his dad can't be here all the time, he has to work, his step dad at where he lives doesn't work he hurt his back so he got a settlement. It is almost as if he is angry that his dad isn't home, I try to plan out my days when this happens so we are always doing something, like going swimming or taking him to the skatepark, etc. It is hard and exhausting at times with 2 little babies, (2 year old and 1 year) plus two others under ten. If I don't constantly have things to do, there ends up being trouble and anger gets taken out on the other kids from him. So are you saying that there will always be tension? Are we creating a person that only thinks the world revolves around him? How to you make someone understand that just because you come over that life stops, cuz it doesn't things are going to happen, work is part of everyone's life. How to do make someone realize that it is selfish of you to not want your dad to have anyone else but you? How do you give a child experiences to be able to put themselves in someone else's shoes? How do you instill empathy in a kid in this type of situation? I think that if there was empathy, realizing that no one is perfect but the important thing is that we try our best in all things, it would be easier. Perhaps it is because we live in America where we don't have to really struggle like other countries do like making 1000's of bricks and only get paid 4 dollars. I guess being angry at others is because we only want what we want and we want everyone to change for us instead of looking on the inside and seeing how we can be part of the solution. I think the hardest part is knowing he doesn't really want a solution, he wants to blame so he doesn't have to take any responsibility for any of his actions. I wish we could teach him in some way that you will never mature if you always blame others.
...See More
cawfecup
16 years ago
Who is critizing you? the SD the other "moms at school" ? the mom? your hubby?

My response in situations like this .... Do not ask me to do anything for you that you would not ask your mother to do for you....

examples....
Get up at 5:30 am to "make you breakfast".
To have dinner ready the minute you want to eat.
Take you to _______(insert event) on a moment's notice.
Bake cupcakes at 9PM for school the next day.

My SC like to tell me I "have to do" for them... I remind them I am not their parent I do not have to do anything for them I do for them because I want to and if I don't want to I don't "have to".

Kids will make up any excuse for their other parent... not doing something its easier than facing the truth ... they know the other parent won't and because you have in the past they assume you will again..... if you don't feel like doing any of the extras don't. I only do for my SC and BC things that I want to do ... not because I'm expected to.
krb0808
16 years ago
I can say I know exactly what you mean. I was the "main mom" for many years to my now grown step-children. Two SD and one SS. My SS lived with us full time most of his childhood, but he girls went back and forth as their mom lived just a few miles away. My husband and I were the stable ones, both working and taking care of my child from my first marriage and eventually two more together.

When their mother had a new son, out of wedlock, they started bringing their brother to our house when he was two weeks old! We truly loved him, he was adorable and neglected by their mother terribly. One weekend when he was about 2 years old, we told the children their brother could not come along on our weekend away. The kids were so upset, they stated "Our mother needs a break you know!!"

It was unbelievable to us. They really believed that we were responsible to take care of this child and them even though he was not ours at all. The father to this child was very young (barely out of high school) and had nothing to do with him. They idolized their mother and felt we should be nicer as she tried so hard.

This mom never held a job, lived off of our CS and her parents. It was just amazing to me every time they acted like it was our job to do all the important stuff, but she was still the Super Mom.

So, I do understand how you feel. 17 years later, it still gets to me when my now adult SDs think I did nothing for them as children, and their mother is the best mother ever.

Anyway, I'm done ranting:) Good Luck!!
imamommy
16 years ago
My step daughter went through a phase where she ignored me when she was at our house EOW. She would open her door and if she saw me in the living room, she would close her door and stay there until she heard her dad in there. I talked to him about how it hurt my feelings that I did a lot of nice things for her and she can't even say good morning to me and he told me that if she was going to treat me that way, (being rude) that I no longer had to do anything extra for her. So, instead of cooking her favorite fried eggs for breakfast, she got cold cereal. and instead of doing the fun things she liked, I let her stay in her room, bored. We had talked to her several times about this and she always did it right after coming back from her mom. Once her mom gave custody to us that changed. I was the one comforting her after school when she came home the first three weeks and cried every day. I arranged for counseling and take her every week. I encourage her to write her mom letters and I think that has made a difference in how she feels about me. I don't know what her mom has told her because I don't ask, but I do know her mom has told me many times that I am not her mom, she is. When her mom tells me that, my response is that "I know you are her mom. I'm not trying to be her mom, but I care very much and want the best for her." It's hard to imagine a mom saying "I don't want you to care". I'm the one that takes her to karate, girl scouts (I became a leader so she could have a troop), school conference, and counseling. I know in her eyes, she believes that her mom is just the most wonderful mom in the whole world. and if ever tells me that, I will agree with her and say, yes she's wonderful for having such a great child.

If you don't take care of your step child out of love, then you will resent it eventually. If it's not love for the child, then it should be love for your spouse. Love for the child may never happen and can't be forced. and being rejected by a step child after you've invested years of caring is, in my opinion, harder than a husband leaving.
sylviatexas1
16 years ago
"being rejected by a step child after you've invested years of caring is, in my opinion, harder than a husband leaving"

poignant words there.
finedreams
16 years ago
children often, if not always, feel unconditional love toward their parents. Children often contune loving and forgiving their abusive and neglectful parents. This kind of love often does not transfer to other people, including step-parents. It is a sad reality, that's why it can be tricky to get involved with people who have young children. Especially tricky it can get if you want to be and act as their parent...

a question for the 'main mom' stepmoms

Comments (7)

imamommy

sylviatexas1

Related Discussions

cawfecup

krb0808

imamommy

sylviatexas1

finedreams

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US