a question for the 'main mom' stepmoms

18 years ago

I mentioned this as a side note in another post, but I could use some advise on how you deal with this type of situation.

I am the main mom, and a very involved mom. I have been since DH got custody while my SD was in kindergarten. My mother was this way, and that is the way I feel mothers should be. Unfortunately, SD's mom has never been involved past attendances at activities/conferences/etc. if SD is with her, and a few others here or there. I have always stepped up when she didn't and coached/presided/prepared, whatever. Mom is the Disneyland mom, and I am the one who makes her do homework before she goes to a friend's house.

So back to the problem. Recently (I'm thinking since mom had a new baby) SD has been on this mom can do little wrong kick, where normally she has quite a few concerns about her. When I suggested that maybe mom would like to coach next year she said "she can't, she's too busy because she works and has a baby." I replied that I work more hours than she does, and have had TWO babies while coaching/leading, etc. She continued to go on about how it's not her mom's fault she can't do it, it's all these things that apply to BOTH of us. I know part of the problem is she really wants me to coach again and is looking for a way to have that happen, but I think more of the problem (I came to this realization tonight) is that I think I am taken for granted. It is expected that I will be there for her. It is expected that I will fill the mom role. That in itself is fine, but it really gets to me when she then justifies her mom's lack of involement with all these lame excuses and believes it. I feel my temp rise that she can actually say mom is too busy with a baby and an EOW daughter when we got custody a 5 yr old and had a baby within a month and somehow I did all the extras.

I don't know what I am looking for. Recognition? I don't think so. SD does give me that, and I really don't think that's it. I guess I just need to understand how that woman can be so great for doing nothing and I can be criticized for not volunteering in her classroom this year . . . when mom hasn't done it in 4 years!!

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Comments (7)

imamommy
18 years ago
I got together with a guy in 1992. He had three kids (1, 5, 7) I had my own 1, 2, 5 yr olds. I was 23 yrs old. I did everything for all the kids, school stuff, sports, dance, scouts, plus I worked full time and went to college at night. I left in 1998 when I realized he never intended to marry me. The biggest slap in the face is (now) that they talk about how great their mom is because she lives 45 minutes away from them. All the years I was there, she was gone. She left her husband for another man that was traveling the carnival circuit... yes he was a carnie. They did that lifestyle for several years and then moved around from Las Vegas to New Mexico doing drugs and I guess being free. She never paid support and visited them once or twice a year. I guess it's good if she's not on drugs anymore but I don't know that. They don't have any contact with me since they have their "real" mom back in their lives. It was very painful and made it very hard for me to even date anyone with children again. I now have a wonderful husband and a sweet step daughter and I sometimes wonder if it will end the same way.

BTW, my dad married my step mom 20+ years ago. She had 3 kids that were grown and we were grown. About 9 years ago, she had a brain aneurysm and is to this day, in a persistent vegetative state. Her sons stopped seeing her then. Her daughter (whom my dad treated like a daughter for the past 21 years) took care of her for two years (and was paid generously by my father) before she decided it was too much for her. She was visiting once every couple of months but that stopped shortly after they tried to bring a lawsuit against my father because they accused him of misappropriating the funds of her estate. Her care costs more than her income and my dad has paid it all without any help since she suffered this. He was devastated that after treating her (my stepsister) like a daughter (more than her own father) that she would stab him in the back. Her own father once excluded her son from a family portrait because he had a different last name... real nice guy.

I've come to the conclusion that what I do may not be appreciated by the child but as long as my husband appreciates what I do, that's enough for me. I take care of my step daughter because she's a child that needs to be taken care of and I'm the one that's available. and I love my husband. I also take care of my step mom while my dad works. I do that because she needs to be taken care of and I love my dad. My dad loved her so it's important to do the right thing.
sylviatexas1
18 years ago
tip I learned from a neighbor whose daughter was seeing a guy they did not like (with reason, as it turned out):

don't argue, don't put her mother down, don't say if you can do it then her mother can do it, *don't put this girl into a position where she feels she must defend her mother*.

When she says her mom can't do something, for whatever reason or for no reason at all...

say, "okay."
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cawfecup
18 years ago
Who is critizing you? the SD the other "moms at school" ? the mom? your hubby?

My response in situations like this .... Do not ask me to do anything for you that you would not ask your mother to do for you....

examples....
Get up at 5:30 am to "make you breakfast".
To have dinner ready the minute you want to eat.
Take you to _______(insert event) on a moment's notice.
Bake cupcakes at 9PM for school the next day.

My SC like to tell me I "have to do" for them... I remind them I am not their parent I do not have to do anything for them I do for them because I want to and if I don't want to I don't "have to".

Kids will make up any excuse for their other parent... not doing something its easier than facing the truth ... they know the other parent won't and because you have in the past they assume you will again..... if you don't feel like doing any of the extras don't. I only do for my SC and BC things that I want to do ... not because I'm expected to.
krb0808
18 years ago
I can say I know exactly what you mean. I was the "main mom" for many years to my now grown step-children. Two SD and one SS. My SS lived with us full time most of his childhood, but he girls went back and forth as their mom lived just a few miles away. My husband and I were the stable ones, both working and taking care of my child from my first marriage and eventually two more together.

When their mother had a new son, out of wedlock, they started bringing their brother to our house when he was two weeks old! We truly loved him, he was adorable and neglected by their mother terribly. One weekend when he was about 2 years old, we told the children their brother could not come along on our weekend away. The kids were so upset, they stated "Our mother needs a break you know!!"

It was unbelievable to us. They really believed that we were responsible to take care of this child and them even though he was not ours at all. The father to this child was very young (barely out of high school) and had nothing to do with him. They idolized their mother and felt we should be nicer as she tried so hard.

This mom never held a job, lived off of our CS and her parents. It was just amazing to me every time they acted like it was our job to do all the important stuff, but she was still the Super Mom.

So, I do understand how you feel. 17 years later, it still gets to me when my now adult SDs think I did nothing for them as children, and their mother is the best mother ever.

Anyway, I'm done ranting:) Good Luck!!
imamommy
18 years ago
My step daughter went through a phase where she ignored me when she was at our house EOW. She would open her door and if she saw me in the living room, she would close her door and stay there until she heard her dad in there. I talked to him about how it hurt my feelings that I did a lot of nice things for her and she can't even say good morning to me and he told me that if she was going to treat me that way, (being rude) that I no longer had to do anything extra for her. So, instead of cooking her favorite fried eggs for breakfast, she got cold cereal. and instead of doing the fun things she liked, I let her stay in her room, bored. We had talked to her several times about this and she always did it right after coming back from her mom. Once her mom gave custody to us that changed. I was the one comforting her after school when she came home the first three weeks and cried every day. I arranged for counseling and take her every week. I encourage her to write her mom letters and I think that has made a difference in how she feels about me. I don't know what her mom has told her because I don't ask, but I do know her mom has told me many times that I am not her mom, she is. When her mom tells me that, my response is that "I know you are her mom. I'm not trying to be her mom, but I care very much and want the best for her." It's hard to imagine a mom saying "I don't want you to care". I'm the one that takes her to karate, girl scouts (I became a leader so she could have a troop), school conference, and counseling. I know in her eyes, she believes that her mom is just the most wonderful mom in the whole world. and if ever tells me that, I will agree with her and say, yes she's wonderful for having such a great child.

If you don't take care of your step child out of love, then you will resent it eventually. If it's not love for the child, then it should be love for your spouse. Love for the child may never happen and can't be forced. and being rejected by a step child after you've invested years of caring is, in my opinion, harder than a husband leaving.
sylviatexas1
18 years ago
"being rejected by a step child after you've invested years of caring is, in my opinion, harder than a husband leaving"

poignant words there.
finedreams
18 years ago
children often, if not always, feel unconditional love toward their parents. Children often contune loving and forgiving their abusive and neglectful parents. This kind of love often does not transfer to other people, including step-parents. It is a sad reality, that's why it can be tricky to get involved with people who have young children. Especially tricky it can get if you want to be and act as their parent...

a question for the 'main mom' stepmoms

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imamommy

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