It shouldn't be a secret and I would be tempted to tell her that until she could provide a phone number where she can be reached and an address where she will be taking the kids you are not accepting phone calls from her. Set your phone up to ring in a certain way if it is a private number, if you have that feature.

I know that she is messing with the kid's hearts and minds and it's sickening to hear that this is happening. I'm sure though that you have considered it a mixed blessing of sorts, right? I had to look at things that way with ex's family not ever seeing the kids after the divorce. It was a blessing not to have their screwed up influences to deal with.

My heart goes out to you guys. What a mess. I would have a really hard time keeping my temper in tact.

When BM was moving & she didn't give us her address, our attorney advised us that we shouldn't send SD unless we had her address. The custodial parent should know where the kids are going to be, so even if she doesn't have a fixed address, she should at least let him know where the kids are going to be when they are with her & he should be able to get a hold of them.

However, I do think he should have gotten on the phone himself instead of putting your SD in the middle by having her relay messages. He could have told BM he needs her phone number and address. After what she did last weekend, I wouldn't want the kids to get their hopes up or even have to know that mom got mad that dad said no. The kids are going through enough already.

I wouldn't have thought it would be permitted for the NCP to take the children without having some sort of contact details available to the CP. What if there was an emergency? In any case, shouldn't the children be able to contact their BM should they so wish? I agree your DH should have taken the phone and talked to the BM himself. She is being totally unreasonable.

I have to agree with Ima on this one - as much as mom sucks, dad should have gotten on the phone rather than using SD as a messenger. Not to be harsh as I know mom doesn't deserve excuses, but to say "DH has told the kids that bm is to make plans with him and that when their mom makes suggestions to them about plans they are to tell her to talk to him" it's pretty hypocritial to then have SD relay messages from him to mom. Just a thought - why should mom not do it if dad does it too?I think he has to lead by example with this woman.

I totally thing you have to have a way to reach the kids when they are with mom. No ifs, ands or buts about that.

Dh and I were just talking about having no contact info for our BM last night...We have no phone (disconnected) or address for her and in the event that she does call and want visit (we arent holding our breath on that one) we are uneasy about sending SD not knowing where she would be staying and no phone. I dont think we will unless she DOES provide that and we are comfortable.. basically I think what happens is that in a situation like this you can refuse the visit, BM could charge you with contempt (or is this the BM who gave all rights up cant remember??) and then you have to show just cause for not sending the kids to the judge... when SD was an infant BM was living in a home with no phine, electric or heat....Our lawyer said that was just cause not to send her there.....

I know its hard, and even though BM put your SD in the middle first (by telling her she would pick her up Fri night) It is very important that your DH not relay through your SD on visitaion arrangements....

mom2emall
I wouldnt answer her calls from a blocked number. She is hiding something, she needs to provide a number, and if she doesnt then no arrangements can be made. My nephew (whom I have custody of) BM took off and mover to texas we live in florida she left no number no address. Everytime in the beginning that she would call, she would say im coming over what does my son need (I asked him he gave her a list of a few things he wanted) she never called never showed up and never bought anything. About a year ago she asked her mom which lives 2 miles from me and they have seen him 3 times in 2 years, what grade he was in and how old was he now. OMG GIVE ME A BREAK she had him and doesnt remember how old he is... Shes a class A LOSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"When BM was moving & she didn't give us her address, our attorney advised us that we shouldn't send SD unless we had her address."

I agree with this. We are in the same situation. Bio mom has said she wants to get the girls for a few hours this weekend but we have no idea where she plans to take them and she has no phone so there is no way of reaching her. We don't like this at all.

I know the girls would like to go because they so rarely see her but it makes J nad I both very nervous not having any way to check in on them. We are debating what in the world to do. She is going to be in town because her boyfriend has a "job" here this week. I guess he's in construction of some sort. We also don't like that he's going to be in town. He is an addict control freak with anger management issues and we don't really want the girls around him.

We are really torn over what we should do but the no address and no phone is thing is making us even more nervous. You HAVE to be able to keep close tabs on this woman when she is responsible for the girls.

We are thinking of getting older sd a cell phone. She has been wanting one for a while but we just did not see a need for it. Now we are thinking of telling her it is for calling us after practices or for us to get a hold of her when she is with friends or at her bm's. But stressing that the phone is ONLY for calling us when she is not home and getting her unlimited text messaging to talk to friends.

Then we would tell bm that the phone is sd's for the kids to call us with when they are not home, but that it is not for any other calls to friends etc.

That's a good idea. I really wish the girls were old enough to send away with a cell phone. If we did that now all that would happen is mom would snatch it and probably make her own personal calls on it and then give it back to the girls when it was time to get dropped back off:(

I am also worried that bm will use the cell for her personal calls. I am also worried that she will hide the phone for the time they are there or purposely break it and play it off as an accident.

just get the insurance on it.... or buy pay as you go phones of lost oh well

well - you all know we've purchased 4 cell phones for SD; 2 have been washed by mom and the other 2 lost at moms. This happens within days of us reiterating her cell isn't for mom to call on 'socially', it's for emergency calls only and for SD to use while at moms because they do not have a land line and won't always let her use their cells. So I can tell you that isn't always the best bet.

I would suggest a Firefly or similar phone if you fear mom will take it and use it. You program in the numbers she is allowed to call - DH and you - and those plus 911 are all the phone will dial out to. No calls can come in except from the numbers programed in.

Maybe that could be motivation to get a number for her even - "Give us your number and we'll program it in SD's phone so she can call you, too."

Doodle: Your girls BM is an addict right? and if I remember right just got out of treatment not too long ago? I would absolutely not send those girls with her. I would insist on supervised visitation until she tests clean for a long time...I dont think you would have any problem requesting that through the courts...they are too tiny to send off with an addict ANYWHERE.....and if you need a quick fix insist that she meet u all at mcdonalds..you and DH can sit out front while she enjoys time with the girls in the playplace!

Yeah you are remembering correctly...sigh. Well this weekend came and went and she never showed to get them at all so chances are she won't even be seeing them while she's in town anyway. I think her BF's job is a month long gig so there's still a chance she shows up wanting them in following few weeks.

Gag...I really really really don't want to have to spend a saturday hanging out with this woman. I wish her and her mother were on good terms because she could just bring them over there and I know her mom would call us IMMEDIATLY if anything was fishy. Her own family is disgusted with her right now so she isn't welcome at her parents house at the moment. Apparently, the last time she visited she stole a bunch of electronics. She totally can't be trusted which is one of the reasons why we don't want her in our apartment.