I meant SS10 not DD10

Good idea, If I were you, I would give them something to complain about, and let their BM worry about taking up the slack, really!

Not my kids, their greedy attitude, not my problem. I would ignore anything that I felt wasn't worth complaining about, what's the worse that could happen, that they call you unfair. Reality check, they already feel unfairly treated. It cannot get any worse than a bunch of spoilt and entitled kids, ignore the foolish stuff. After all, for all your effort you aren't being fairly treated by any of them, including entitled BM.

The least she could do is instill some kind of fairness and understadning in those kids, I think common sense would say that teaching the kids some sense would be better for them in the long run, instead of having them fussing over the small and the foolish, just making their lives more difficult.

Ignore them when they are being too demanding and for foolishness, let BM worry and fuss over fairness and leveling the playing field, and further more, if toys like Play station or some other expensive elctronic gadget is purchased by your household, it should never leave your household! It should be for the benefit of all the kids in your house.

If punishment is given at home .... it stays at home ... so if dad says ... ok no tv or video games for 3 days ... and if one of those days they go to mom's ... it extends the time by one day here.

"we don't know if mom is enforcing discipline" but we do know it will be here .... we used to get mom punished us too ... well thats on her but your punishment sticks....

I like the family gift ... I was going to get one of the kids a nintendo DS so I can play brain age...(but which one to give it to fights would certainly happen) I think I will buy it for me and get them only games ... :)

"The latest issue is the game room was messed up so they lost their PS2/compuer for one month.

Did I read this right, the game room was messy. Or does messed up mean vandalized? The one month no computer seems excessive to me -- I would have said for maybe 2 days.

vandalized is the word I was looking for and it was not the first time. CDs were broken and thrown behind the couch (9 to be exact), the sofa couch was broken (someone took the springs that hold it together ) so when you sit down you fall in. etc. It has SS10 written all over it since DD doesn't use that room and the DS/SS11 aren't destructive- messy yes- destructive no.

DH feels someone knows something and since no one let us know about the room and no one will confess that he would try a longer punishment (yes usually it is a weekend punishment is what we do).

I don't expect BM to extend out punishment but my point to SSs was that they leave for half the week and punishment doesn't apply whereas DD/DS must live with the punishment everyday because they are here and their dad supports/respects our decisions. I like the idea of your punishement is for XX # of days HERE...Good idea- thank you.

We've also done the family game which usually works pretty well...we gave all of them a game boy so they would not fight but of course SSs brought theirs to BM so it can't come back. ( I don't feel like we should buy another one or that DD/DS should have to share. They need to take that up with their BM.) Isn't that fair???

I think being a stepmother is MUCH harder than being a mom.

I'm really close to my kids and try to extend that to SSs and keep trying. I know it is hard for them because my kids are here all the time with their dad who my kids are really close to. PLus my ex husband who doesn't see my kids alot buys them expensive gifts which they can bring to our house (unlike their house) and we have a good relationship where their mother is horrible to thier dad and refuses to even talk to me.......which is funny because BM's husband (their stepdad) is friendly with their dad and me and my kids- so really the BIO MOM is the only one with the problem and creating problems.....

I'd institute a 'complaining penalty' -- A list of small chores to be done, and anyone who complains about normal chores get an additional assignment.

The other thing to do is to flat-out ignore the complaints and walk away. My older son went through a relatively long and unpleasant phase where he thought that by acting miserable, he was somehow punishing us for 'making' him miserable. Drove my husband nuts! But I just explained to DS that it didn't bother me then cheerfully ignored the sulleness -- and it stopped.

Screaming "unfair" has worked beautifully for them-

It gets you & your husband defensive & apologetic & makes you spend money.

The tail is wagging the dog(s) here:
You've lost control & they've got you trained.

Gameroom was *vandalized* & all they lost was a month's use of the computer?

no lawn-mowing, no car waxing, no floor-mopping?

Your husband needs to activate his role as the silverback male in this troop before these 2 cause even worse damage, maybe damage that can't be repaired or reversed.

silverback male story an old friend once told me (I'll tell it in his "voice").

I was on the football team in Tyler in the 1950's, & we were the stars of the school.

We could do anything we wanted, & we raised h@!!.

Our parents couldn't stop us, & the girls were all wild about us.

One night, we took a truck load of watermelons to the town square & threw them out, busting watermelons all over the square.

The county sheriff knew it was us, & we knew better than to talk back to him.

So he called the captain of the team & said, "I want you & your boys down at my office in an hour."

Well, we went.

He gave us a dressing-down, & he handed us shovels & brooms & mops & told us to clean up the square, & we went to work.

When we had it all clean & nice, we went to his office & told him we were finished.

He said, "Oh, no.
You're not finished.
You go back out there & mop that square again.
I'll tell you when you're finished."

so we went back out there & mopped that square until he came & told us we were finished.

This man was 70 years old when he told me that story, & he still admired the sheriff.

They had to do more than repair the damage?
It was "unfair"?

It was effective where mere restitution would not have been.
& taking away the 50's equivalent of the use of a computer would have delighted the boys-they'd have sat right down & thought of a whole bunch of trouble to make.

To be effective, the consequences of misbehavior have to be more unattractive than the misbehavior is attractive.

Actually they had to clean the room and the whole house and lost the computer/game/tv,on top. I actually thought it was unfair to three of them who did not do it to be punished for it.

My usual come back is- life isn't fair so get over it.I do try to ignore it. DH tries to reason with them. We definately don't try to spend money to correct it- we only give gifts on birthdays and Christmas.

I was just venting but you are right there is someone they have trained- their mom- they get EVERYTHING they want at her house (when they come to our house and demand the same and don't get it is when they scream UNFAIR.- they still don't get it) That's my point- I'm tired of hearing about it.

Maybe you could use the attractive behavior/unattractive consequence method to put a stop to the screaming & whining.

I tried the if you complain you are getting another chore- when SS whined and I gave him another chore- everyone else buttoned their lips...I haven't had an chore complaining since:) Thank you...

Taking away computer privileges for a whole month for an untidy room isnt fair, imo

These are children, which you seem to be forgetting. Children since the beginning of time have been complaining that their siblings have it better than they do.

Your step son is correct. What he is allowed to do at his mothers house isnt your right to comment on.

Why is it so important to YOU that their rooms not be painted the color they wish, even if it is the same as your own childs?

If it makes them feel at home and happy at your place for the half week they are there, I would think you would be all for it. Instead, all I read in your post is whining about how wonderful your kids are compared to your stepkids.

Children should never be compared to other children, especially not in the same household. Thats very unfair to the kids, who are, after all, unique individuals.

And finally, why are you taking privileges away anyway? Isnt that your husbands job? since they are his kids

She didn't say she did it; she said "we", & she said she thought the punishment might have been too strict, which sounds like her husband is the one dishing it out..
& she also said the gameroom was *vandalized*, not untidy.

& did you miss this?

"we actually tracked everything for a month chores, privelages, toys in room, etc- they have SO MUCH MORE stuff than my kids and at their mothers, do less chores, and had the same number of priveleges."

This isn't about fairness or the color of the bedroom, it's about manipulation, power, & greed.

& I don't hear whining about how wonderful her kids are in comparison;
I hear her saying that she is tired of the whining that *she* hears.

I am sorry but if my children trashed ANY room in my house the way that OP said was done to theirs ... they wouldnt even have those priveleges left to get back... Just that quickly I would have given them away. And yes, I would have done it since it is my home.

And regardless of if what he does at his moms house isnt anyone elses business ... no child will be talking to me or any other adult like that. And, I as the adult am allowed to decide what goes on with each child without having to explain it to the other ones.

And, the issue is not that the room be painted blue it is that they did not earn it... DD earned something extra she worked she saved she got... ss did not... if he wants to earn the money to paint room blue then so be it... but I dont just hand out money to kids because they demand it ... and I think that was ops point.

And, as I said in the other it's not fair thread... if they dont like it ... illustrate to them exactly what not fair is .. box up toys games or whatever and make them give it to children who have little or nothing... I absolutely can not stand the "It's not fair" I cant stand it and I dont tolerate it... especially when it comes with all of the attitude.

You also said that after you took the computer away for a month, you allowed your daughter to use it because she needed to, and that THAT was what your ss was objecting to as unfair.

Seems about right to me

kathline, she was given a school project that required the computer which is what I allowed her to do and that was all outlined to the children at the time of the punishment (supervised computer for homework only). Moreover, I was pointing out to SS that DD is being punished for something that we are 99.9% sure she didn't do (she does not use that room often) and she accepted the punishment without complaint because she understood the reasoning behind it (and because she doesn't really use that room anyway.)

My point to ss was two of the four children punished for one month are actually being punished 24/7 and two are only being punished half that time so to complain when the computer use was allowed as determined by the punishment knowing full well that he got half a week of computer and games is silly. My other stepson actually agreed during the family meeting and said he volunteerily did not play games at his moms. Honestly I have no interest in what goes on at Mom's house as we have vastly different values and rules. But if you are going to argue about what is fair- you can't overlook the fact that it runs in both directions. Before you yell unfair at least make sure you're on the right side of your own argument. I think that is a life skill I want each of my four children to have.

Wow I'm starting to feel like I do when we talk to the kids-round and round and round.........

I guess my frustration is do you continue to discuss and explain or do you just prove your point and SHOW what unfair looks like??? (I'm not talking abusive behavior- I'm talking saying no when you could say yes or adding a chore to a complainer which I did and it worked.)

just a quick funny- the kids are finished baths and laundry is done- I asked everyone to pick up laundry that I folded and put away in drawers. SS said- "This is unfair- my mother puts our clothes away."

My reply---"What happens at your mother's house is none of my business and for complaining you can put the bath towels away too."

If it were one of my kids I would have done the same thing.