I do not really know your situation. But it sounds like this girl is crying out for attention and needs help. I know that it is frustrating for you.

How has this been ruining your marriage?
When she lived with you and your hubby were there rules? Was she free to do whatever she pleased?
Have you done family counseling with her and both of you?

When she lived with us there were rules and she was not free to do everything that she wanted to do much to her anger. She is now living with her mother and is seeing a counsellor but has been told that she needs psychiatric help which her mother refuses to believe. Two counsellors have said this but she still wont listen.
She has constantly caused trouble between my husband and I
By playing us, by that lying about things that i was supposed to have done said and tried to turn my husband against me. He has fallen for a few of her stunts which caused arguments and ill feeling
The thing is i have tried in everyway to give this child love and affection and tried to make her feel secure god only knows ! But nothing helps she just is very hurtful and nasty and disrespectful

From the child's perspective -- First Mom threw her away, then Dad didn't want her and threw her out too. I know it's not that simple and that there are messy and complicated issues, but throwing her out from one house to the other certainly makes things harder instead of easier.

If two counsellors have independently said the girl needs psychiatric help, and you sensed something 'really wrong' from a long time back, then yeah, there's something wrong. Have either of the counsellors given you any clues as to what it might be? I know that most counsellors technically can't 'diagnose' a mental illness, but they've probably seen a lot and know what it is they're suspecting. Are they willing to tell you? Sometimes having a 'label' to research really ehlps.

As to your marriage, if SD is the only thing coming between you and your husband, and otherwise, your marriage would be strong -- then get her out of the middle. Get together with your husband on the same team and figure out a way to help her. If you can find a way to talk to your husband calmly and kindly about SD's problems without appearing to blame the girl, he may be more receptive.

Compare:
- "Why do you think she feels the need to misrepresent things?"
- "That lying b!tc# ! You can't believe a thing she says!"

I think there may be a couple of things going on with your SD. She was put out of school for drinking on the premisis and she has been diagnosed as needing some psychiatric help. Those two things (possible drug abuse and needing some counseling help) coupled with her being an teenager and normal teenage issues seem to be pushing her over the edge.

I have to agree her actions are a cry out for help and a sign that something is terribly wrong. You guys are in between a rock and a hard place. She should have some consequences for her actions of being hurtful, lying, nastiness, attitude and disrespectfullness, and though she also needs help for her psychiatric issues as well. Not to mention she may also need help for the drinking issue - she may be doing more than just drinking if she felt comfortable to drink and get caught at school.

Your DH, BM and yourself (since you deal with her as well) would benefit to sit down and really get to a solution or a plan of action for SD before she goes so far that permanent consequences happen for her actions - like juvenile detention or something else criminal.

It is obvious you love her and are at your wits end. I think you have to also do what is best for you as well. If you have to leave then do so. I would give the visit a try and if she can not respect you after being asked to, and DH does nothing about it.... then go and get your peace of mind. Don't let SD know she is getting the upper hand or the best of you. Then when you return you will be better able to deal with the situation.

You guys are really in a hard spot right now. I certainly hope a plan of attack comes into play and that you guys are able to implement it and get some resemblence of peace as much as you can with SD.

I really appreciate the feedback that you all have given me i just hope that things get better for all of us
she has been arrested and has a 5 year probation order already since nov last year for been under the influence of alcohol and attacking a police officer and she was in a state of undress and boys were involved. She was living with her mother then and still is you would have thought that would have given her a fright, but it didnt she then was in trouble with the police in feb this year for doing drugs so now if she is seen by the police in town and looks like she is out of it they have the right to arrest her and take her to the station to acutally body search her!
Her mother seems to have no control and lets her do as she pleases she is never home is out till 10pm on a school night and is always staying at other peoples houses
i dont think it is right that these things are been allowed to happen but at the end of the day my opinion just does not seem to count.
one of the counsellors said that the child has narcassistic tendencies and i read up about it and believe you me she ticks a lot of those boxes
it just seems like her father is burying his head in the sand but he has no support from his ex as she is quiet stubborn and refuses to take advice and wont listen to anyone elses opionion i think she is in denial about the way that her child is
my stepdaughter is the only thing that causes problems in our marraige and i wish things could be different but i cant change the way that i feel i have tried so many times i feel sorry and ashamed to feel the way i do it is eating me up inside
i dont want to hurt my husband by been negative about his child it must upset him but i have tried to just get on with things in the past and it does not work i cant play happy families anymore
i feel like i am been pressurised by him and his ex wife to change my feelings to do things i dont want to do i cant do it anymore

OMG - My mouth just dropped when i read what your last response was my lady. I am at a loss for words. You and your DH must really be at wits end.... Maybe you guys can enter into counseling yourselves to help rebuild your marriage on levels that will work for you both.

Your SD seems really out of control. I think it will take her dad and mom really getting really tough with her and her being in counseling and maybe even drug rehab to get your SD back on track.

I really hope you guys can find a solution that works for you both. My heart really goes out to you......... i really think the SD getting help for her drug issues may help out a lot as well.

I think your header "I don't know how to handle my stepdaughter anymore", says a lot here when one then continues to read on.

--"he reckons i should forgive her and move on"--

--"he is putting me under pressure to just be there for him and support him"--

--"has been told that she needs psychiatric help which her mother refuses to believe. Two counsellors have said this but she still wont listen".--

--"it just seems like her father is burying his head in the sand "--

--"i feel like i am been pressurised by him and his ex wife to change my feelings to do things i dont want to do i cant do it anymore."--

If these parents, both mom and dad, can not and will not help this girl, how do they expect you to? Pretend it's not happening? Forgive her?

Hello? You're not the one with the problem and it would seem no one but you want to make it any better for anyone and especially not the girl.

If Mom won't, Dad needs to get this girl into the recommended psychiatric help problems she needs. A full mental and physical eval.

This girl is on a self destruction course which may have mental and/or physical underlings and it seems mom nor dad are taking it seriously. At the rate of what's been going on this girl is half a step away from being in serious trouble, danger, or worse.

I think you need to tell your DH that the only way you can help and be supportive of him is when he finds the courage to do the right thing by his daughter and that must include seeking out whatever help and in whatever way the professionals lay out to get this girl treated and hopefully turned around. Mom and dad's denial just may end up costing the two of them their daughter in a very final way.

Good luck to you, but remember 'you' can't help or handle the 3 of them if they don't want to be helped. "Forgiving' the girl and her actions/behavior does no good if nothing is done to help this girl get the help and support she really needs.

She sounds like a very troubled young girl...

Was 'narcissist' the only diagnostic word you heard from the counsellors? Because honestly, almost all teens are narcissistic to some degree, and IMO, while it might be true, it probably wouldn't explain the types of acting out she's doing or your sense early on that something was 'off'.

Is there any possibility she was molested or abused as a very young child? To be acting out sexually and drinking/drugging *so young* hints at it...