I can't say what other kids would do but my DS choses NOT to forgive and forget. His BD quit having anything to do with him when he was 12, then 10 or more years later he decided he wanted to talk to him. My son wasn't having any part of it. As I've mentioned before his first child will be born in a couple of months and he doesn't want BD to even know about it, much less have anything to do with it. Me and my DH will be the baby's grandparents. On the other hand, my 2 DD's were treated badly by their dad and they chose to forgive so it just depends on the child.

I do think it depends on the kid. The bm in my case left state for a few years and barely kept in contact with the kids. She just returned but has yet to really visit with the kids. My oldest sd is 14 and very angry with her bm even saying at times that she hates her. My 12yo sd has been hurt by bm but makes excuses for her and thinks none of it is bm's fault. My 6yr old ss barely knows bm and thinks of her as almost a stranger. It is sad. In time I think if bm shapes up the younger 2 will forgive and not think about the wrongs of bm often. But I think my older sd is past that and is going to resent bm for this all.

YES KIDS WANT TO FORGIVE AND FORGET....

My mom and dad split up when I was 5 and for years I did not see my dad (mom and dad both at fault) for years when I finally did he never said anything bad about my mom just that he missed us and was glad he could finally see us... Then a few years later we saw him again... I did not have a relationship with my dad until i was 17 and it was great.. I lived on my own so I had no outside influences to deter me.... When I was 23 my dad died ( he battled his own demons and could not help it) I miss him dearly everyday although it had been normal for me to go years without seeing him. Sorry if I got off of the subject but I just with my mother made an effort for her children to have both parents in their life (even though she didnt like it). Thats why I think I stayed married for so long in an unhappy marriage, I swore that my kids would never experience not having both parents in their life at least it would not be because of me....

Thats also why my ex and I can be friends and we talk about our kids and have no problems now... As a matter of fact my ex and his girlfriend and his family are coming over to my house tomorrow night along with my family and DH's family for dinner for our daughters 16th birthday...

We have to remember its not about us its about our children...

Happy Birthday to my baby who turns 16 on the 28th..... Where does the time go....

"I am speaking of children who knew both their parents and then one just decided they did not want to be a parent anymore"

Does the parent say this to the child, or is that what the remaining parent says to the child?

My mother told me my father didn't want me, but he did. He was out of my life on and off my whole life, just about. We've talked about it a lot now, and I realize just what she did to sabotogue the situation.

I think it is completely individual, dependent on unique situations.

It depends on the temperament of the child and the situation. I don't think it's right for the CP to tell the child why the other parent left(or their opinion, idea of version). That is up to the parent that left to fully explain it. My kids were in the 'dad left before birth' and was never in their lives. Of course they asked me why their dad didn't see them. I could have told them 'the truth' as I believed it. But, I told them things didn't work out and I don't really know exactly why he isn't there. And that was also true. I know my daughter's father left because he cheated & I broke up with him. He got married a year or two later & has four kids with his wife. He raised those kids but didn't see his other son (from another woman) or my daughter. When he finally decided he wanted her to be a part of her life, she was 15 or 16. She gave him a chance but just in phone conversations, he lied to her, refused to apologize or take responsibility for not being there and as a result, she wants nothing further to do with him. She may have had a fantasy image of what life would be like if he were there and he certainly either didn't live up to it or he blew it by destroying her trust. My son also met his dad when he was 18. His dad also tried to rewrite history & lay blame on me for him not being a part of his life. My son knew more of the facts since there was public record of it in our court case and he was actually in court the day his bio dad tried to convince the court to deny my petition for a DNA test to prove he was the father. Several months after the test results were available (after the final hearing where he was ordered to pay back support), his bio father called him & started contact. My son was angry & his father bought him lots of gifts. They don't see each other but only talk occasionally, but they will probably never have a trusting or close relationship unless his father is honest with himself because my son knows the truth.

My oldest son didn't meet his father until he was 4 years old. He started out with EOW visits and later, shared custody, but when my son was 12, I was given sole legal & physical custody & his dad's visitation was suspended until he went to court to reinstate it. He never did. He just stopped all contact, including phone calls. When my son was 18-19, he looked him up and has had some contact with him but nothing I would consider a relationship. His father had been to prison & was on parole. My son wanted to get a job to rent an apartment so his dad would have a place to live. It seems that my son and his father have reverse roles with my son wanting to be the adult and his father can't take care of himself or his own life. He's been violated a few times and has gone back to prison at least twice that I know of. Fortunately for my son, he has finally decided to make his own life. He joined the Army. I don't know if he feels any anger or resentment toward his dad for leaving his life at 12 and then expecting my son to help take care of him at 18. I think my son still had the wishful thinking that his dad would be a part of his life... and I'm not sure if he has let reality set in. All of his life, I had held my thoughts and opinions on his dad, never said a bad or negative thing about his dad, even when he cut off contact. But, when my son told me he was going to try to get a place so his dad had a place, I looked him in the eyes and said, "You are 18 years old. I have worked all my life to raise you and it's the parents job to take care of and help their children become responsible adults and take care of themselves. You're father is 49 years old and he should be helping YOU get an apartment, not you taking care of him." and with that, my son never mentioned it again. He never went through with even trying to get an apartment because the truth is, my son had a hard enough time taking care of himself. I was helping him out... he was not in a position to help his dad. I have no idea how he feels about his dad or how he feels about his dad's situation. It's something we don't really talk about. He is very protective & defensive of his dad.

I ponder this as well since our BM has been gone for over a year....In my situation, my SD (11) rarely if ever mentions BM....I remember when she first stopped seing SD we got a text from BM that she had found a job (her excuse for not seing SD) and wanted to see SD "soon" I can still remember the moment when we told SD that we had heard from BM and she got a job..she couldnt stop smiling... it was if we had just sat her down and said "see your mommy didnt forget you, she really does love you..etc/ Unfortunately BM never followed through on visiting SD or keep her job I guess? well my point is that they may not express it but I believe every child with an absent bio parent (even if they express anger about it) deep down wants bio to show back up and play mom/dad.....they want it to be a bad dream that they have a crappy parent and really can you blame them?
I think once children turn into adults and they realize how screwed over they were that you are less likely to forgive and forget....I also think it is much harder for the parent/step parent who is left to raise the child to forgive and forget, I dont think I ever ever will in my situation..

Do I think a child is capable of forgiving a parent? Yes, very young children deffinatly. The girls mom is not around 99.9% of the time but every blue moon when she shows up the girls aren't bitter and they are happy to see her even if they are ready to come back home after an hour and a half. I think they want to come home because it's boring with her not because they don't want to see her. She has no house, no money, no food, no toys for them to play with etc.

Do I think there is damage even if the kids don't show real obvious signs? Yes. I say this because the girls are totally fine and happy but sometimes totally out of the blue while they are playing with their dollies or taking a bath they will ask a question like "Why did mommy move away?" It's like it's always there at the back of their minds and it just pops out sometimes. I can't say exactly how much the girls will be damaged because of biotwat dipping on them but I know there will be scars of some sort left on them. That's what makes me so mad at her.

I'm pretty sure there will be some bitterness towards her as they get older as well if she doesn't get her act together. They are young enough now that they don't hold grudges but teenagers are another story. She had better get with the program before they are old enough to say "I don't want to see her."

My 1st SD33 has forgiven her mom and dad but the struggles remain in her life. Even though the heart is willing to forgive it still absorbs so much hurt and damage. I think working through those issues is helped along if you want to forgive but the issues still remain.

I am curious to see what my DS16 will do in his life about his dad. He hasn't seen him in 3 years. DS doesn't want to see him because bio dad is an alcoholic and he doesn't like him. DS16 told me that now that he knows how a woman should be treated he can't respect a man that treats women the way that his father treated me. He also said that he forgives him but doesn't want him in is life. I think DS will be a great father and husband....he knows how important that is.

My relationship with my mom was hard. She was there but she was an angry, mean, bitter person. All I wanted was her unconditional love and support in my life and I didn't get it. It still effects me...even 9 years after her death. There is a hurt that is very deep. Very permanent for me.

when kids are young they probably can forget and forgive, but when they grow up, they often realize what damage was done to them and many cannot forgive.

My DD's GF's father dissapeared from her life after mistreating her mother. he also remarried a pretty evil woman. Then he reappared when she was ready to leave for college. she and DD are actually in college in the same city where GF's dad lives. But she cannot forgive. She does not want him in her life. She does see him maybe twice a year or so when he insists, but she is very bitter and angry. she even told DD that she might never have her own children because she saw how parents can damage their kids. She is afardi to harm her own children this way. BTW her grandfather did the same to her mother. Abandoned.

My bestfriend's dad dissapeared when she was 6. Then reapeared when she was 16. She was willing to forgive and continue a relationship. But he dissapared again, and she never saw him- for 30 years. they live in the same city. She says if she will ever see him on the street she would not say hello, would just walk by. She could forgive when she was 16, but she is not going to forgive now in her 40s.

I think that even one can forgive, emotional damage is done for life. I don't think one can ever fully recover.

finedreams,

I so agree with you last statement. "...emotional damage is done for life. I don't think one can ever fully recover."

Some injuries leave really nasty scars.

I do not believe though that one parent can sabbotage the other parent seeing his/her kids. yes, they can try to sabbotage, but it is just an excuse. too many fathers claim that their Xwife didn't want him to see the kids. so what? there are courts etc.

I think it is easier for children to be in denial that parents wanted to see them, just couldn't. It is OK if that's what they choose to believe. But I do not believe it is the case. I do not know any situation IRL. everyone who wants to see their children, see them. You just have to really want it.

Depends on the kid, and depends on if the remaining parent bad mouths the parent that is absent.