What a lousy situation!

But Ima, you can't tell SD this -- it would devastate her. How can a young girl be expected to cope with a statement that is, in effect, your mom didn't want to bother coming to get you, so she made up an excuse.

You've already got custody, right? I'd just take the cell phone photo and write a factual account of the dates, times and who knows about it. Then stuff it into your 'ammunition file' for when you need it with the court.

As far as BioMom is concerned, DH should tell her that next time she wants to make up an excuse not to see her daughter, she needs to make up something that won't leave her daughter feeling sick with worry.

"you can't tell SD this -- it would devastate her"

but she needs to know that her mother's treatment of her isn't how mothers normally treat their children, & she needs to know how to protect herself, just as children who are physically abused need to know that beating isn't normal & need to know how to protect themselves.

You might tell her that the surgery didn't happen & so her mother isn't recuperating from anything, & let that sink in a while, & then at some time talk to her about being careful about getting her hopes up for things that are just too hard for her mother & grandmother to handle.

I'm so sorry.

Maybe DH or you can call SD's counselor before her next session to get his opinion on what you should do. It would certainly give him an additional insight as to what she has to deal with. If you guys do decide to tell her, which I agree w/you would be very hurtful and perhaps not the best, maybe it can be done in the counseling session w/DH present. Sweeby is right about documenting it. It's too bad, sorry.

After talking to my husband, he agreed it would not do any good to tell her. Since SD was talking a lot about it, saying she thinks it was a big surgery/cut, I did suggest that she can ask her mom to send her a picture of it with her cell phone. That way, she won't have to guess if it's a big cut. Other than that, we've been telling her not to worry about it, I had my gallbladder out and was sent home from the hospital the same day... in other words, trying to make light of it and get her to not worry about it so much. (since we know she's been at soccer games all day and not in bed suffering)

Any picture we get was never intended to show SD, it was to document & add to the journal we keep. (In case BM ever does actually file for custody... which we don't really think she will, but she has threatened it a few times)

You know, Sylvia's got a point...

When parents start playing war games with their kids, giving them a total free pass isn't right either. In other words, as long as BM is never called on her actions, her reputation remains unblemished and the child has to draw her own conclusions. Sure, she'll figure out that BM lets her down, time and time again. But she may well add all sorts of faulty explanations to the story -- that it's her (kid's) fault, that Dad is somehow preventing BM from seeing her, that BM is 'so broke from paying child support' that she 'can't afford gas'... Who knows?

Gerina's suggestion about talking to the counselor about it sounds like a good idea. There may be a way you can convery some information -- that maybe BM is disorganized and has her priorities messed up, and therefore, shouldn't be relied upon? -- without having it be quite the breath-knocked-out body-blow it could be.

How old is your SD?

She's 9. This isn't the first time mom's canceled... she always says she sick... last year, she canceled because she was sick in bed... even called with a **cough** **cough** that sounded phony to DH and was confirmed when BF's exW said BM was at her kids baseball game the next day COACHING BF's son's team.

I think I may combine Gerina's suggestion with Sylvia's and call the counselor. Maybe he can get her in this week and find a way to talk about it. Her mom, in my opinion, is a pathological (or is it compulsive) liar. I have wondered for some time now, whether she can NOT lie about things. I'm pretty sure SD knows her mom lies all the time, because she's made up some pretty elaborate stories to cover mom's lies... I just don't think she knows she's the target of her mom's lies. She maybe thinks her & mom are allies in lying because SD has started to make up wild stories... (she recently told me how she was sleep walking at mom's, went downstairs and got a bean burrito & chocolate milk... and went back in her room.) When I asked her where she got a bean burrito from, because really, who keeps bean burritos in the fridge... they get gross. Well, she changed her story to add that BF's son was cooking a frozen bean burrito in the microwave. But, stuff like that concerns us that she will model the pathological lying.. beyond normal kid lying.

Our biggest concern however with her mom lying to exclude her and then spending time with BF's kids, is that is SD's biggest fear and to realize it's happening would devastate her. She's already made up, exaggerated and caused quite a few injuries to get mom's attention. It's even resulted in her mom calling CPS on us because SD said we wouldn't take her to the doctor for an injury that didn't exist... or that wasn't in need of medical attention if it did exist. It's probably already in her mind that mom is doing that, but she doesn't want to acknowledge it. I'm sure it's too painful for her and maybe through counseling, she can learn how to cope.

Ima, this sucks.

Your poor SD... I feel so bad for her that she wants so badly to feel loved by here mom, but it seems as if her mom just finds her inconvenient.

It would be better if Mom was just honest-ish with you and said "My other DD isn't going to be here, BF's kids have stuff going on, and it's not going to work well to have SD here too"
Then at least the lies being told to SD ("Mom's busy this weekend") wouldn't have her worried about her mom.

*sigh*
Your poor SD.

My initial gut response was that BM sounds so desperate to 'hook' BF that she's sacrificing her own kids to play 'super-mommy' to his. "See what a good wifey I'd be?"

Does that sound likely? And if so, could a well-placed but more diplomatically phrased question along the lines of "What kind of mom sacrifices her own kids for someone elses?" produce a change in behavior? And if so, would that even be a good thing?

sweeby, I thought that last year. When she canceled time to coach BF's kids, that was my first thought. However, a few weeks ago, BF's exW called me and asked if we knew anything about BM being rushed to the hospital that day. Apparently, BF's daughter wanted to spend time with her dad and BF told exW he couldn't take his daughter because he had to rush BM to the hospital. So, she called me because she said she'd feel awful if she didn't believe BM was ill if she really was. So, we had SD call her mom. BM answered and said she was home & seemed fine. So, BF is also lying to his ex & kids to not spend time with them. According to his ex, he is/was a good dad and never refused to spend time with his kids. But, it's been a common theme that BM is hurt in some way... sick in bed, at the hospital, broken limbs, surgery... always comes back to mommy is hurt, poor mommy, etc.

That is so crummy that bm would rather be at bf's kids games than spend time with her kids!

I do not think that sd should be sitting home worrying about bm though. I am torn....part of me thinks you should tell her what you know or at least that you KNOW bm is not wobbling around. The other part of me thinks it would hurt the girl so bad.

Tough situation!

Boy, I think 9 is a bit young to be "outing" Mom. Even if she is a POS, scumbag, excuse-for-a-parent. Nine is still a very tender, sweet age. But it can be so tempting.

My husband has ALWAYS taken the moral high-ground, insofar as NEVER, EVER even hinting at the cause of he and BM's marriage failure (her affair), nor has he ever bad-mouthed Mom to or even around the kids...even though she made terrible decisions that she and he both knew were not in the kids best interst. And even though she regularly says (STILL!) negative things about dad. Now, behind our closed doors, when they weren't here, I've heard it all...more than I care to. But not the kids. They started figuring out, on their own (probably around age 10 or 11) that Mom really put her own wants/needs ahead of her children. They asked her pointed questions, and she gave them lame answers (that, of course supported her piss poor decision making). When they came to their dad with the questions/answers, he only ever replied to them, "I'm sorry you're sad" or "I'm sorry things aren't going the way you'd like right now" or something along those lines. Because to tell them anymore would have been "too much for them to try and figure out", he said. And, when one parent says negative things about the other (even if it IS the truth), "it stops being about the kids".

My husband really still feels strongly about this, even though my stepkids are 15 & 18. He never badmouths Mom. If they have a complaint or concern about her, he tells them to talk to her about it, since he "would never want to speak for her". Of course, they've long past figured out that it's pointless, because their concerns are always downplayed, and they have learned that they can't be honest/truthful about their feelings with her.

I'd vote for not saying any more to her than "I'm sorry your mom wasn't available this weekend. I know you were looking forward to it." And leave it at that. She will learn in time which parents she can count on. And that will be when she's a little older and able to handle that, emotionally.

SD was 11 or 12 when we slowly stopped 'covering' for mom, and it was because her therapist told us to. He feared at some point SD would distrust us if we continued to lie to her about her mom and mom's actions. We do not bad mouth her or pass judgment on what she is doing, but if SD asks a question we will answer it directly and honestly. We don't make up excuses for her.

The other, somewhat surprising, things we stopped doing on the therapists advice was to tell SD 'You know your mom loves you' or something of that nature. For one, he didn't want the label of love going on the wrong actions - ie, "I know your mom stood you up and broke her promise, but she loves you." His other point was that it's up to mom to reassure her child that she loves her, not us.

I feel so badly for your SD, and you. I know exactly what it's like to sit by and watch the lies fly and a little girl's heart slowly break.

I will tell you what our SD's counselor told us when SD was 6 (we had/still have full custody now she is 11) he said to stop sugar coating things for her and covering for BM but ALSO not to deliberatley point it out either. So basically answer you SDs questions honestly, dont cover for BM but do not point it out either. We used to deal with a lot of cancellations (not anymore casue she hit the dusty trail a year ago) in the beginning, we told SD that her mom had to work and it was something she couldnt help, etc.... after the counselor we just decided to be honest with her and if BM's excuse was that she had no one to watch her dogs (yes this was an excuse we got) then that is what we told SD. eventually after so many cancellations SD kinda figured things out on her own...I think your SD will too. I would answer her questions honestly and if she asks do you think her mom is in the bed feeling bad then let her call....If you point these things out to SD without her asking, the blame will likely shift to you and dad that you "wanted" her to hate BM and told her a bunch of dirt on her mom...let your sd lead the way and be honest, just dont point it out..I know how frustrating it is believe me I have been there!

My SS13 when he was SS10 had the hardest time dealing with mom not showing up when she was supposed to or any changes that involved BM so he would come home with the worse attitudes fighting with siblings just all around cranky .... this is where keeping a log really helped me recognize good days and bad days.... I figured out he was like this when she changed things ... for whatever reason ... I used to say mom, can't get you so I'll pick you up .... after a few meltdowns that was it ... I told him he didn't have the right to be angry at me for what she does if he wants to know why she isn't here he can call her and ask her himself .... hubby caught on too and when she would call him to break the news to the kids ... he would tell her well you have to tell them I am tired of being the bad guy.... when she had to finally explain and tell the kids why she couldn't get them she stopped changing things seems they were giving her the attitudes not us.

So I am for being honest within reason ....

But with your SD's BM IMA next time she pulls the surgery bit ask her ok what hospital or when are you being released so we can bring SD by for a visit to ease her fears that something is terribly wrong ... she worried the last time so to help her deal with her feelings we will bring her for a quick visit to ... blah blah blah.... should fix her a$$ so she stops lying to her kid knowing her kid will show up and know she is a fake. I know with travel time and gas prices the burden becomes yours ... but better than having SD lash out or worry all weekend for nothing.

i would do what pseudo suggested. I would say that i am bringing SD over to check on poor sick you. I suggest your DH says next time that he will drive SD to mom's house so she can take care of sick mother. I would also keep it all documented in case mom asks for custody or claims she is too sick to pay CS. but do not tell it to SD, it will break her heart.

Last night, just before dinner SD started having a really crappy attitude. She wouldn't look at me at all. She told DH in a whiny voice, that he didn't spend any time with her. and I couldn't keep my mouth shut at that.... I told her that he spent the whole day with her. When they got up, he fixed her breakfast & they ate together. Then he took her to run an errand, when they got back he played catch with her. Then we all went out to lunch and home depot. In the store, she went with him to get what he needed while I looked at Christmas decorations. Then, we got home & she asked to watch a cartoon DVD in her room & he put it on for her. That was the ONLY time he didn't spend with her and I told her that if she wanted to spend time with him then, she could have turned off her movie and asked him to do something else... but she chose her movie. When he was tucking her in to bed, she started crying that her mom lied to her because her mom had promised to call her back and didn't call. (she had tried to call her mom but got her mom's voice mail again) She said maybe her mom can't get to the phone because she can't get around very well. DH told her that her mom can take care of herself.

This morning, SD still had an attitude toward me. I told her that I'm sorry if she didn't have a good time with us this weekend (we took her to a harvest festival on Saturday and DH spent Sunday doing stuff with her) but it's not our fault she couldn't go to her moms. I just told her that we love her and we just wanted her to have a good time since she couldn't go to her moms. She didn't say anything.

Pseudo, my suggestion to DH on Saturday was to skip the harvest festival and drive SD to see her mom. I actually (jokingly) suggested taking SD to the soccer game, but of course that would have made us that bad guys... driving three hours to 'show' mom is a liar. I could imagine BM saying "I DID have surgery, but I'm feeling MUCH better now" and we look like asses that just want to make her look bad. I did suggest to SD that she ask mom to send a picture of her cut, using her cell phone. That was more for SD to know if it's a big cut or little cut since she was worried mom has a big cut and can't move at all. SD didn't ask her and I wonder if she knows mom is lying but doesn't want proof that mom is lying.

For the longest time, I've ranted about BM not calling SD and when SD calls, BM lets it go to her voice mail. That's been something that upsets me because it leaves SD in tears & then she gets an attitude with me. It's much easier to be angry at stepmom than it is to deal with mom avoiding her. DH and I were talking about that last night in our room when he points out... BM stops answering her phone because SD starts asking questions or says things that make her feel guilty. In all honesty, I had not thought of it in that way. All this time, I was just convinced that she avoided calling SD because she is so wrapped up with her BF and his kids that she didn't remember to call SD. Most of the times she has called, it's after SD is asleep. But, I hadn't considered that she was ignoring her calls because she might feel guilty. Of course, that is only speculation on our part because only BM knows why she won't answer her phone or call her daughter... just as she is the only person that knows why she would lie to avoid taking her daughter for her weekend.

Her first counselor warned us against reassuring SD that her mom loves her... so we don't do that. We don't make any excuses and when she cancels, DH makes her do her own dirty work. SD doesn't ask us anything about her mom, so there is no opportunity to answer honestly. The only question she ever asks is, 'can I call my mom?' and when she can't get through, she gets upset & has attitude. The only 'negative' thing I've said about BM is like I told her this morning, "I'm sorry you didn't get to go to your mom's this weekend but it's not our fault." and a few months ago, when SD was angry because SD said BM was telling her she is moving to BM & DH told SD no you're not. SD lashed out at us and we told her it's not our fault her mom moved, that her mom decided to move without telling us or her.. that it's not our fault.

I say you let your SD discover on her own. If BM is telling that many lies, SD will figure it out by herself, and it will be a lesson she remembers, not one that she blames on you or your DH. Telling SD will only cause resentment towards you, and will not ease the frustration you feel, or fix your situation. Bite your tongue for now, it will pay off for you in the long run.

It sounds like BM is a compulsive liar. She just can't help herself and then she feels guilty for having done it. Poor SD! She probably thinks it's all her fault. Maybe you should go have the custody papers revised so there are less chances for SD to be hurt like this.

And who has a biopsy done on a Saturday? That's pretty uncommon. Did BF's ExW take that picture on her phone?

She said the biopsy was going to be done on Friday & she couldn't drive to get SD. When SD asked why grandma can't take her (like she always does), I have no idea what BM told her but SD then asked why BF can't come get her from grandma's house. SD told me BF was going to be at the hospital with BM so his mom was going to get his kids from their mom. One lie becomes two and three and maybe it's easier to stop taking her calls because it gets hard to keep the lies straight.

Who gets a biopsy on their knee? I'm not a medical person, but maybe someone that is can enlighten me.... I thought a biopsy is a small incision to take a little tissue for pathology. But, what do I know??? I've had laproscopic surgeries and been home, walking around the same or next day. LOL, my MIL had knee replacement and was up walking around the day she got home from the hospital... of course with a walker. But, she didn't cry that she can't get out of bed... poor poor me!

BF's exW got some pictures with her digital camera. She tried to get one with her cell phone but was too far away & it didn't come out.

What a crappy and terribly difficult situation. First of all, Ima, I don't think anyone could fault you in this situation for 'talking behind BM's back'. It's so pathetic on HER part that you even have to expend the time and energy to keep up with her lies and do damage control. As for what SD should/shouldn't know... well, obviously that is such a difficult decision. I agree that 9 is a bit young for the total unfiltered 'awful truth' about her Mom, but I also agree that she needs to at least be clued in that her mother's treatment of her is neither normal nor her fault. But how to do that without causing undue pain or coming off as pointing fingers?

I don't think SD should be told now that her mother lied about the surgery. If she keeps asking about the results of it, tell her you heard that she has made a wonderful recovery and that there is absolutely nothing to worry about. As for the more long-term issue, I think the idea of letting SD be the one who ultimately "does the math" is the right way in general, and that it should be a gradual process of her being allowed to open her eyes to what's going on. I will say, though, that this could take a very long time. Many, many adults don't even begin to fully absorb or even recognize that a parent in any way failed them until they are fully grown. This is because it's such an extremely painful thing to actually realize.

The counselor idea is good for the fact that it can be a safe place for her to process her feelings about it, but my concern with that would be that kids (and many adults too) tend to associate having to go to the counselor's as "There is Definitely Something Wrong" and it could paradoxically add even more sense of gloom and doom. That is, if she is not already seeing a counselor for some other reason, and/or if it is made too clear right off that She is There to Explore Her Feelings of Abandonment By Her Mother. Conversely, if the counselor takes too long cutting to the chase, SD might be incredibly confused. She might feel like she has absolutely no idea what to say or why the heck she's there. Lacking a clear answer, she may assume she has done something wrong or is crazy. I only have that concern because as a kid (right around 9, actually) my own well-intended mom had me talk with a social worker with the idea of me working through my feelings about my parents' divorce, and as psychologically aware as I like to think of myself now, I absolutely had no comprehension of such as a child. Some kids do, though, and for those kids who can recognize their own hurt for what it is I think counseling is a great idea. But I just remember at the time wondering what I was there for, feeling rather confused about the whole thing and vaguely like there was Something Officially Wrong With Me. I think it would be key to first ascertain whether SD would be psychologically ready to even acknowledge there was a problem *with her mom*.

Maybe the best way to go would be to gradually introduce SD to the concept that Some Mommies Aren't the Most Caring or Reliable by letting her 'overhear' a conversation between you and someone else about 'some other mommy you know' who was a no-show for something important of her kids' lives. Maybe you can rent a movie that features a not-so-great mother ("Mommie Dearest" would be a bit much, but as an aside, the new "Hollywood Royalty Edition" dvd with the John Waters commentary is hilarious... but not for this!) who does disappointing things but who is human and not a total monster and casually ask SD's opinion on it. Ask her how she would feel if she were the kid in the movie, why she thinks the mom does what she does... and/or say yourself something like "Jeez, one minute the mom is baking cookies and the next she's left the kids alone all night... how confusing, I'm not sure how I'd feel..." The point being that it's *hypothetical* so it's safe to talk about and you're gauging her reaction. Yes, some of this would obviously be staged and 'manipulative', but if you're doing it not *against BM* but for SD's psychological well-being, it's a different story. You would be helping her safely approach a topic that might otherwise be too overwhelming to deal with. If you're not comfortable being the one to discuss it, maybe DH or even some trusted other person can do it.

Bit by bit, gauge her openness to talking about it. If she exhibits a lot of denial or just doesn't even seem to have any clue what the point of the conversation is, or shuts down, she's not ready for therapy, or to be told the full magnitude of the fact of her mother's abandonment. But if she opens up a little, then there might be a point in time when she's ready to be asked if she ever feels the need to talk to someone neutral about some of her mixed feelings about her mom. Anyone --adult or child--- has to be ready for counseling before it can help. And it must be made very clear to her that there is nothing 'wrong' with her becuase she's going. Some kind of purpose for it should be stated, even if it isn't the whole truth. Something along the lines of: "Being in a blended family is kind of a special situation. It's not rare or wierd at all, but as you know it can have its ups and downs that are kind of unique. We've decided that we all need to have people in our lives to talk to about it privately and safely, because everyone sometimes needs someone neutral to talk to, who won't punish us or get mad at us for anything we say. This counselor is that person for you, and s/he's a professional at it so s/he's very understanding and won't be shocked or upset at anything you say. We will sometimes talk to him/her privately too, about our own stuff. You can say as much or as little as you want, but if you don't say anything, you'd be the one missing out on the chance to say things you might really want to get off your chest."

"My initial gut response was that BM sounds so desperate to 'hook' BF that she's sacrificing her own kids to play 'super-mommy' to his. "See what a good wifey I'd be?"

I think Sweeby may ne on to something here. I have often wondered how much time the girls Bio Mom spends with her new boyfriends children. I know he gets them on the weekends do she is at least seeing them then. She hasn't seen the girls in almost a month.....

When she signed up to coach her BF's son's baseball team last year, I thought she was doing the 'look at what a great mom/wife I'd be' act. Then she canceled time, claiming to be sick, and was out coaching when she told SD she was sick in bed. That confused the heck out of me... what guy is bonehead enough to see her cancel on her own kids & play mother of the year to his. Of course, it assumes he KNOWS she is canceling and not claiming that DH won't let her have SD or SD has some other plans... after all, this last weekend, she apparently told them SD had a birthday party to go to. So, now I assume she is lying to him too.

But, then I learned he told his ex wife that he had to rush BM to the hospital not too long ago, when his daughter wanted to spend some time with him during the week. When SD called BM, she was home & doing just fine. So, he is also lying to his ex wife to avoid spending extra time with his kids. He's also canceled weekends and goes a month without seeing his kids too.

I think BM bounces in and out of mommy mode, with her own kids or his. I think her 'super mom' role in his kids life has more to do with trying to piss off his exW. She (BM) goes to all the sport events, is loud and chums up with all the other 'moms' that exW has known for years. She's introduced herself as BF's wife, even though all the mom's know BF & exW as a couple, she's quick to point out they are divorced and he's 'married' to her now. (she even wears a ring on her wedding finger) and if she gets to the games before exW, she will set up her chair near all the other mom's to keep exW from socializing with them. So, I don't think she's trying to impress her BF, but I do think she wants to mark her territory and oversteps... but, when exW calls & tells BF his daughter wants to see him, I can totally see BM saying 'no, I don't feel like having kids around' and BF tells his ex he can't. If exW were telling him he can't see his kids, I'd almost guarantee that BM would be pushing him to get them more. But, I guess BM might see it as a favor to exW if he gets his daughter... since exW is asking.

That's just my opinion and I could be wrong. It sucks for five kids, that's all I know.

"She's introduced herself as BF's wife, even though all the mom's know BF & exW as a couple, she's quick to point out they are divorced and he's 'married' to her now. (she even wears a ring on her wedding finger) and if she gets to the games before exW, she will set up her chair near all the other mom's to keep exW from socializing with them."

I was hearing the "Twilight Zone" theme song playing while I was reading this. No kidding. Creepy.