I don't believe in patronizing. If I really don't like something I won't post. What would be the point? If I think I can offer another perspective I'll say something.

There's a current thread on another forum where someone is asking about a paint job. She's not crazy about it and it photographs completely different than IRL (from her lips) and yet posters happily pop in to ooh and aah. Have to wonder if they really feel that way or if they're just paying lip service.

On this board I try to be honest. If I don't like something I just keep my mouth shut unless the person asked for honest critique.

In real life I generally don't say anything if I don't like something. Just because something is my taste doesn't mean it isn't right for someone else. I'm sure there are plenty of things in my house that other people don't like.

Ditto natal.
Also, "if you can't say anything nice...." My main contributions(?) have been re. exteriors. With squirrel's departure, the fun ops for this have about disappeared...sigh :>/
I'm also rarely a 'chimer-in-er' if I come late to a post with numerous accolades.
To be honest ( speaking of): there's either little I like well enough to comment on, or find so attractive and come so late, I'd be just another responder making identical oohs and ahhs.

I try to find the most tactful way to express my opinions, but often times I am in the minority. It leaves me with not knowing if I am really the only one who feels that X isn't quite right or if others who feel the same just aren't speaking up because they don't want to point out something negative.

There is a huge difference in taste, ability, and budget so with that in mind, I figure there is a wide blanket of choices that can be right.

I do wish more people would chime in with ideas. Sometimes I am just not on here because life can get crazy, but I try to comment as much as I can just so the poster can have as many points of view as possible. Fresh eyes seem to find the one point that even long threads that have gone in a single direction have missed.

It depends on what is being discussed. If the subject is a very permanent item, like a roof, and it has already been installed, I would not offer a thumbs-down vote. As far as I am concerned, mistake or not, it is a done deal. I will either not comment, or perhaps say that I am pleased that it came out to their expectations.

It also depends on how the person states the question. If they couch it in a way that says "this is just what I wanted, have saved for for years, love the color" etc. then again I pretty much leave that alone. They are happy, it is their decision to live with, and what makes my judgement better than theirs for their own place?

However, if the person is still deciding, or it is something easily changed, and they are truly asking for help, then they will get my honest opinion. How does it help them to just jump on the bandwagon?

Only in court. ;-)

Well, I'll stand up and be admit it. I WILL sometimes fiddle the truth a bit in order to spare someone pain (who'da thunk it?) and I don't think it's necessarily patronizing to do so. I'm not going to gush (actually I don't really gush at all) about something I think is utterly gruesome unless it's obvious that the poster is thrilled to bits with it and is just looking for pats on the head, sometimes I'll bestir myself to give them that. Usually, I'll just ignore the thread. Same goes for Real LifeTM. If someone comes to me wearing a disastrously ugly and unflattering dress on that makes her look like great-granny's couch that should be thrown out on the curb, and asks me "how do I look in this new dress?", I'll try to say something like "it's not to my personal taste but I can see where many people would like it" or "I like the mandarin collar" instead of "ye gods and little fishes, that is the ghastliest thing I've ever seen - you should shred it, use it to line the litterbox, and then set fire to it immediately" which is what I'm REALLY thinking. Or if a really gormless person whom I can't stand invites me to a party (think Rick Moranis' party in "Ghostbusters") and I'd rather drown myself in a vat of V-8 juice than endure such a thing, I'm likely to say "sorry, can't make it, have something else to do that night" even though the "something else" I plan to do may well be eating Cheerios with bananas on top and watching a marathon of Doctor Who episodes on DVD in my jammies. FAR better than telling him what I really think of him and his party.

Other times, however, I gotta haul out the firehose. I try very hard to reserve that for speaking about something in general rather than to a specific person about THEIR stuff, because that can just ruin someone's day. (Although if I'm speaking in generalities and someone assumes I'm talking about their stuff, that's their own problem IMO.) There are some things I do have strong opinions about, like how so dang many new houses of the style I call the "Subdivision Special" type (note that I have lived in one and might even have bought one if there hadn't been such an insane HOA, because it had a good floorplan and was on a good lot in the *twitch* subdivision - far back corner, pretty much all by itself on a stub street) look like they've been mugged by a siding salesman and (to paraphrase Magnaverde) the builder sat down with the window catalog and a 12-pack of beer because the poor house doesn't make any visual sense with four different kinds of siding and half a dozen completely incongruous styles of windows. But if someone posts a picture of HER brand new house with which she is head-over-heels in love and it's just like that, well, I shut my trap.

What ticks ME off about this whole "honesty" notion is when I ask a question specifically about ONE thing, and SAY right flat out that I am only interested in talking about that one thing, but the responders don't freakin' listen and go nattering about everything BUT what I asked. Once I asked if a certain settee was too formal for a room with certain curtains and a rug which I already had and looked much better together than the catalog photos I had to post since my rooms are too small to get decent pictures of anything and I was only posting those pictures to show the style of the items. I noted clearly that I was ONLY interested in discussing the settee and nothing else, the other items were nonnegotiable. What did people do? Snark about the d@mned curtains and rug and not a word about the settee I was asking about! When I called them on it, I got "well, I'm just giving you my honest opinion". Jeezum Crow! Take your "honest opinion", fold it until it's all sharp corners, and stick it where the sun don't shine! Pay attention to what people are asking for!

Unlike my beloved husband and several of my friends, I DO have a censor circuit between my brain and my mouth, and usually it does work when I choose to flip the switch.

If asked an opinion I would give it honestly.
If I didn't like it I probably wouldn't respond to the post or would make a point of wording the response to avoid hurt feelings but would be honest.

If someone is posting a Look What I Designed/Accomplished/Created post and I liked it
I would respond, If not I wouldn't respond.

That does leave both the "asker of opinion" and "Look What I Designed/Accomplished/Created" poster wondering if lack of responses means no one likes it, or other posters were too busy to go on GW that week.

I am new here and what I really like about this forum is when people do respond, it seems everyone is careful with each others feelings.
I do want to add when pesky1 posted in conversations about Ethics issues at work-a vent, I now wish I hadn't responded because she was venting, not asking for advice. Sorry pesky.

My two favorite rules of thumb: Honesty is the best policy & It's not what you say, it's how you say it.

So with that in mind, if I don't care for something and the OP is obviously asking specifically asking for opinions (so it's appropriate) I'll give my opinion as nicely as possible. If the OP is showing something they did, have or want and I'm not thrilled with it, I'll keep my 2 cents to myself.

If I don't like something I keep my mouth shut. Although sometimes if I do say something, I'll say, "have you thought of doing such and such" instead.

After being on the receiving end so many times of people hating permanent fixtures in my home which I didn't ask opinions on in the first place, I would never tell someone I didn't like something they had unless they specifically asked if we liked it or not.

Best advice, stay on topic. If a poster ask how to decorate a permanent item, don't tell them to "tear it down." LOL. It's part of them. If they ask if we like or dislike something, then yeah, I'll tell the truth.

Johnmarie, I posted before I read your reply. That is exactly what I meant when I said to "stay on topic." If a poster asks for advice on how to decorate an item, then give them the advice and don't start nitpicking about other things in the room! And don't tell them the item is ugly and not worth decorating! lol.

I think that's what drives many people away with hurt feelings.

Like others said, I try and pay attention to what they're asking. Maybe they're just showing a tada. I don't want people to lie to me in my posts. If you don't like something it's nice be gentle (which pretty much everyone here is) or don't comment. It would be rude to say,"That's ugly. What on earth were you thinking? I need bleach for my eyes!" You know? :) Common sense goes a long way.

I think lots of us learn things from being here. I know things don't look good at times but don't know how to fix it. Honesty is good.

Deedee...no worries!

If I really, really don't like it, I just don't say anything. If it's fantabulous and I'd kill to have it, I will say so. And, again, if I'm late to the party and there are dozens of oohs and ahhs, I don't add to it.

I realize my taste is very different from a lot of what is posted here. I have come to realize that what I have is a direct result of our lifestyle (LOTS of animals and a DH who is, shall we say, not neat.)

IRL, when asked an opinion I'll complement some feature I like.

Since none of you can actually corner me as I sit down to have coffee in your real kitchen and ask me if I like the wall color, I think I can be pretty honest. Like most before me here, I just don't post if I don't like what you chose. Now that does not mean I don't like anything on any thread where I didn't comment. Sometimes I read but am at work and don't post. But if I post on your thread and tell you I like something or that the color is pretty, or that the pillows are beautiful, then, I do like it. If you are fretting over what's already done, (sort of like Les's scenario above) I may tell you that things came out very well or I'm glad you found the perfect table, etc. That may not reflect the fact that I don't love the style or wouldn't have done it differently, it means just what I said. I like how you handled it, I'm happy you're happy.

In real life, it's much harder. I do get cornered sometimes. And if it's a done deal, I'm going to be as complimentary as I can without compromising my integrity.

And while you may in fact, be well able to take a nicely worded criticism, there's 2 reasons why I most likely won't bite. 1. You think you are hard-shelled, but words do hurt. And you may think you can take whatever we dish out about the rug you just bought and can still return, but what if I decide to tell you that your lollipop pink beloved chair looks tacky in the living room? Not so hard-shelled after all are you?
2. What about others? Perhaps Les can post a picture of her bath decor choices and is really ready for some straight talk on color and style. But what about poor Miss Newtotheboard who is reading the thread? She just painted her bath the same color as Les and did carrera marble on her vanity too. Now she is second guessing herself because I decided to thrash Les's bath. Not worth it.

Red

Very well said Red!

But sometimes the OP will ask if something looks good and clearly it is beyond tacky. Some people will go goo ga ga over it and I know they don't mean it. And I'm not talking about OP's that don't know how to decorate, they do. They want a honest answer.

I think diplomacy needs to be practiced of course IRL and on a forum like this.

And generally I know when something looks good but not always. And then that's when I REALLY want your honest to goodness opinion.

Of course there are styles on here that I would never have or ever tell them. And I'm sure they feel the same way about me, and I don't care, either should they. I'm sure they don't. Afterall, your house is suppose to be a reflection of your personality. If not, we would be bored to tears and everyone would look identical.

I do, however, have a hard time keeping on the subject and will suggest something that the OP might appreicate, I think or thought. (lol) I'll highjack in a NY minute, I know I shouldn't, but I do. I'll be better about that next time, but does that really bother anyone, really, if it's brief?

So, does my A-- look fat in this room?

.....Jane

I too don't post unless I like what I see but occasionally I feel there is so little there and the poster is crying for help so I might chime in with some direction.

Most of the time people don't get the big picture. For instance, they buy something, or are given an item and want help to make it work but usually it won't work unless a whole lot of accessorizing and finagling is done to the room.
This is typically because the item is too small, dinky, cheap, underscale, or a completely different (and inappropriate) style for the room.

Like most people here have responded, I give honest answers, try to be kind, and shy away from posts where I can't help or I don't like anything at all. If the thread is mile long and I've got nothing unique to add, I generally don't post either.

Jane, I must admit I secretly enjoy reading the hijacked threads--they seem much more like a conversation among friends IRL. Sometimes just having fresh eyes evaluate ALL parts of the room is just what the doctor ordered.

Let's say I post a photo of my living room and want opinions about paint color. If you were to respond with something like "I like the Decatur Buff with your rug and sofa...but have you ever considered finding another home for that stuffed warthog I see in the corner?" I'm not going to be offended. Perhaps I've had that stuffed warthog since college and it's just time to reevaluate his position of prominence. Maybe I'm just so used to seeing Mr. Warthog every day I don't even notice him anymore and NEED someone her to tell me to take him out.

Now, I may disagree. I may decide that despite the fact that Warty is moth-eaten/out of scale/mauve, he is important to me and has to stay. Even so, I certainly appreciate the objective input from people here.

No, Jane. Your a-- does not look fat in this room...the room is just a little too small ;)

Your so funny tomorrow! Small room, yeah right. (lol)

Tomorrow you crack me up!

I try to be honest if I don't like something but try to put it gently. "I totally do not like ___ but it does look nice how you did it."

Sometimes I totally disagree with the comments and wonder if everyone smoked a little something while looking at the pics. But then I wonder if I am missing something myself and not seeing what everyone else sees.

I think when someone is really wanting an opinion we should give it.

Johnmari- you crack me up too, but I agree with you too. Sometimes I see a post like you mention. I have had it happen to me too. Not to call anyone on anything but, I needed help with furniture placement in livingroom last year- actually still need help with that. I mentioned nothing in room was staying at all. There is a picture on wall that was simply put there to get it off floor and nail is already there so we used it. I think a few commented on the picture not being in right place on wall and I think there was a question about the sofa that was there too. I just had to laugh and know that no harm was intended and it is really easy to not read the post carefully. That is why I try to see what poster is asking before I comment.

I just saw my parents new retirement modular home. It was built in 1988 and wallpaper is in many rooms. The kitchen area has this beige paper with "stripes" of fruit and ribbon going downwards. Some "stripes" are wider than others. It is actually quite nice enough to live with until mom finds what she likes. But she hates it. The masterbed has a floral paper that although it is floral it is not too old ladyish or 80's. They bought a really nice bedroom set and again, looks fine until she changes it. Mom and Dad actually like it. I agreed. Then comes the master bath. Oh my! I swear it reminds me of the Carnation Icecream shop at disneyland for some reason. The cabinets, tub and toilet are light creme and look nice. There is carving on cabinet doors with pink painted inside. The wallpaper is pink stripes. Within some stripes are various pink flowers. It might be somewhat foiled paper. The main pink is standard carnation pink. I think what makes me think of Dland is that I can imagine white iron chairs with that heart shape on them being in the room. It is almost super victorian creepy. My dd and I both immediatly told dad that he lost his mancard the moment he said he liked it. They both actually like it and don't want to change it. I think they need intervention, seriously. We all laughed but dd and I spared them not. We were totally honest with them and at least Mom and Dad laughed with us. I seriously want to sneak in when they are not home. I think I have another reason to survive cancer. I need to survive to change that paper.

When someone asks about decorating decisions that are not what I would have chosen and it's obvious that the poster is thrilled with their choices and is simply sharing, I temper my reply or say nothing. (then again, I *am* the person who currently has a working styrofoam incubator, an upright piano and a mannequin hand in an antique stoneware jug for a centerpiece in the dining room, so you can take that FWIW.)

OTOH, if someone is asking for opinions about a non decorating dilemna on the conversations side and it's the kind of thing that can get someone hurt, well, I think it's pretty clear where I stand on that one. The way I see it, if you are wondering about the negative side of XYZ, but didn't know who to ask, what better place than an internet board where you can remain anonymous? In that circumstance, why would anyone *not* be honest when someone asks "what do you think"?

So there really is a forum just for decorating? Just kidding. I almost never go there.

Yep, the whole truth. Unfortunately that isn't always the most popular thing to do. In the event I can't be honest, I don't post.

I believe that each person is an individual, with a unique background and makeup. I believe that everyone's past life and their current characteristics/circumstances set them up so that they either allow or don't allow my words to affect them. The person makes a choice, even if it is unconscious. I believe this applies to any and all subjects as well.

I don't believe that I have the power to hurt anyone's feelings through what I say so I opt for honesty in all cases. Again, I believe that a person chooses if they'll let my words affect them. I may tailor my word choices depending on situation, but I am honest. I don't avoid.

When I post asking for an opinion, I am pleased when I get lots of responses. Of course, I don't appreciate rudeness, but I do appreciate honest respectful responses & posters do not have to agree with me. Often something someone posts really strikes a chord with me & I will be able to make a decision based on the opinion of just a few. I am so amazed at some of the talent that is on GW. Those that photoshop for someone, and those that can arrange furniture so easily for others, so many wonderful posters here on GW!