Or go to Hawaii for Spring Break like originally planned...

Hi Sweeby!

I did think about letting sd choose between N.Y. with mom or Hawaii with us. IÂm fairly certain she would choose Hawaii. However, sd has a hard time making friends and "fitting-in". This is her first year in high-school and we were so hopeful she would find her place with this band. I am thrilled to report that she is thriving with this group! Sooooo  I think she should go with them and bond even more through what can only be a good experience. I would love to be a part of it  but not if bm is going. She is a very controlling womanÂ

IÂm not sure sd would buy a half-baked excuse (she is very smart), so IÂm toying with telling her the truth: "Your mom really wants to go to N.Y. with you. You also know how your mom feels about me (Jeri). We really donÂt want to spend our vacation money and time with your mom. So, we are going to bow out of the trip to N.Y. and plan a family trip to Hawaii either during Christmas or next summer. If for some reason your mom changes her mind  we would be happy to accompany you to N.Y."

What do you think???

Nothing wrong with honesty... I might emphasize that you wouldn't want your SD to feel "caught in the middle" between you and BioMom, and de-emphasize your own dislike of spending time with BioMom.

I might emphasize that you wouldn't want your SD to feel "caught in the middle" between you and BioMom

Yes  ThatÂs very good. SD will understand (and appreciate) that. SheÂll want it to be different, and her mother will tell her itÂs all "JeriÂs fault", but I think SD will get it.

ThanksÂ

Jeri, I think your approach is right, and you are being big about it. The crowd teenagers get in with is so important, so I would be supportive of her band experience.

You should definitely let your SD go to NY for the field trip! Thats what high school is all about, spending time with friends. Chances are she will be busy with the planned activities and hanging out with friends to hang out with parents on vacation. Maybe the rest of the family could take a mini vacation, like something exciting and fun close by and than take the whole family to Hawaii in the summer. Or another alternative go to NY avoid bio-mom and have a good time? Best of luck!

I agree you are taking the right approach. I don't think I would have her choose between the two trips though, because then she is caught in the middle. Send her to NY, let her know you would LOVE to attend, but BM has already signed up to go and you don't want her to feel caught in any adult issues when it's her special trip to enjoy. You could ask her if she would want you there regardless, but you have to be prepared to go if she says yes.

I would then tell her to take a lot of pictures and write down all she can to share with you when she returns. Then I'd go to Hawaii the next time you could.

This all sounds lovely, but I type this as a SM who would be livid to have their plans stepped on like this.

"This all sounds lovely, but I type this as a SM who would be livid to have their plans stepped on like this."

I hear you loud and clear!!!!

This all sounds lovely, but I type this as a SM who would be livid to have their plans stepped on like this.

LOL Â fortunately, IÂm able to ebb and bend with the flow fairly easilyÂ

IÂm just thankful dh and I agree on this. I was very worried that he would feel the need to go to N.Y. This all started out with the band being asked to be the opening act at Carnage Hall on a sold out Saturday night in March. Pretty darn cool  wouldnÂt you say???

IÂm not sure why this changed  we were told that if they accepted the invitation they would have to hold additions for the limited seats and not everyone would be able to play. So, they are now going to use the Hall on a Monday afternoon when they are normally closed. Every kid will play and the audience will be the families who came on the trip with their child (not all will of course) and who ever walks in off the street. Had sd been part of the opening act at Carnage Hall, my dh would have felt compelled to be there. Thankfully, he doesnÂt feel the same after the change in plans.

I think if we tell sd that we donÂt want to interfere with bm and this way sd gets to go to both N.Y. and Hawaii - - she will probably be satisfied.

This is a drastic move but might work (be prepared for fall out though) we have the same issues regarding school time and ex jumping on every opportunity. SOOOOO what does the divorce decree say. If it is your vacation time with SD then DH can insist that the ex not attend the NY trip as it is his time and he has the right to uninhibited time with his daughter.

she can unsign up as a chaperone even if that involves DH bringing in the divorce decree to the school- they don't like conflict but they will step in on occasion to prevent problems.

It seems so harsh but we have actually gone to court over this issue twice and ex wife was found guilty of contempt and court ordered not to interfere with DH's time including field trips, vacations, and karate class (she is literally court ordered not to be on the premises during their classes because she can not control herself.)

Yes  talking to the lawyer to see if we can prevent the bm from going on this trip was one of my options. IÂm the sort of person that does not like to fight, but I will if it is necessary.

I love the Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

The last line is the hardest for me  "Wisdom to know the difference."

We took bm to court over visitation 2 years ago and won. We plan to go back and ask for 50-50 soon. We decided that we will not fight over this spring trip. Frankly, I think the bm only signed up to annoy us. When she finds out we are not going "so that she and her daughter can have a lovely time together" Â I will not be at all surprised if she doesnÂt back outÂ

Take the stepmom (and for that matter, the divorce) out of the equation for a moment. A family has a vacation planned for a school break, but a teenaged child wants to participate in a youth program with friends instead.

This happens all the time in any family with teenagers, not just in non-step families.

The stepmom's participation as a chaperone does add a twist, it does make the idea of the whole family going to NYC less attractive, and it sort of makes your decision-making a little "public." But really, those are minor issues.

I'm not so sure that the idea of the whole family going to NYC would be such a great one, again, not having anything to do with SM. You wrote, "sd has a hard time making friends and "fitting-in". This is her first year in high-school and we were so hopeful she would find her place with this band. I am thrilled to report that she is thriving with this group! Sooooo  I think she should go with them and bond even more through what can only be a good experience. I would love to be a part of it ...." But your being a part of it could sort of interfere with the group bonding and finding her place that is so important to any kid at this age, when she is forming her identity. Ask any teen; they feel like a whole different person when their parents are around (remember?).

I sympathize with your situation with your SD's mom. But I really don't see this as a situation of "have[ing your] plans stepped on" -- it's not like she organized the field trip. It would be very different if, for example, the SM had invited your SD on a trip. But that's not what happened here. Her going as a chaperone sort of makes it feel like that, but it really isn't the same thing.

I definitely wouldn't "b) Talk to a lawyer and see about enforcing the split holidays  and forcing her to stay home," so I respectfully disagree with newgardenelf. From the girl's point of view, this is about her going on a field trip rather than a family vacation, not about the relationship between her parents (including you).

I think you are handling this very well. In fact, you need not offer to change the date of the Hawaii trip so she can do both; if it isn't convenient to do that, she may just have to choose. My kids sometimes chose to skip really great family trips in favor of youth activities. If it was easy to arrange the trips around their schedules, we did, but if not, they had to choose, and we were careful not to make them feel pressured or guilty if they chose their friends. This stuff is important to teens.

Good luck, and have fun on your vacation whatever you decide!

God Bless You!

I have two stepsons and my running joke is that I plan to make friends with their future wives and choose the ex's mother-of-the-bride dress! Boy is that dress going to be UGLY! (ROFL)

Good luck!

Hey gellchom! I appreciate your input and I agree with a lot of what you wrote. Things get more complicated with blended families though.

But your being a part of it could sort of interfere with the group bonding and finding her place that is so important to any kid at this age, when she is forming her identity. Ask any teen; they feel like a whole different person when their parents are around (remember?).

I could not agree more! IMO - One of the reasons my stepdaughter is uncomfortable in new situations is because she has never been allowed to spread her wings. Her mother wonÂt even let her ride home from school with a friendÂs parent. If one of them (the parents) does not go to N.Y., this mom will not allow it and never has. My DH signed up to be a camp counselor with the Y just so his daughter could go to camp for a week when she was 12. He is 50 and all the other counselorÂs were in their 20Âs. LOL - What a guy! But, as you can suspect, she spent all her time with her dad and never "fit" in with the girls in her tent. :-\

We wouldnÂt want to force her to make the very hard decision between N.Y. and Hawaii. In a nucleolus family, I think this would be different  but our time with sd is already limited and any vacations we plan is for all of us. :-)

LOL NewGardenElf  that is pretty funny Sounds like you have a good relationship with the boys :-)