A typical child would view the house their father lives in as 'Dad's house' and, if they're comfortable with their father, as 'their house' during the time they're there.
A typical child would feel no particular need to 'appreciate' the superior size and comfort of Dad's house or the normal hospitality (a.k.a. 'parental services') they would receive at a parent's home.

So I don't see how you could achieve your goal without seriously undermining their father.
It sounds like you want to make it clear that it's YOUR house, not DAD'S house, and that the hospitality they find there is a 'gracious gift' from you, not something they have a right to expect from their father.

I wouldn't recommend it.

I know about teenagers (have 2) and how entitled they can be. However, I think it would be great if the kids felt at home in "your" house - isn't that the best possible outcome?

If the SKIDs were more appreciative and less entitled, would you still have a problem if they view the house as theirs?

How does your fiance feel - does he feel it's "your" house as well, or does he feel at home there? Maybe the best solution would be for you and your finance to buy a house together that's both of yours. Or have your finance split expenses with you so that you feel he's contributing.

annkathryn,

I think the real issue is the lack of respect and consideration. It is very alienating. For example, I had to explain to teenage SS why I should ride in the front seat of my car, not in the back seat behind him.

They treat me like a doormat in my own home!

"How to I convey that, while they are welcome to come visit, the house is mine, without hurting their feelings?"

You don't. Sorry, you are asking for the impossible. They are kids, your husband is their father. To them, his house IS their house, and rightfully so. I don't mean theirs, as in they will inherit it when he dies, I mean theirs as in their home (or, their second home, in this case). Whatever financial arrangements you and your husband have don't really concern them. Your husband lived somewhere before moving in with you, right? Well, that was their (second) home. If you now tell them that your house is not their home, they are guests there, you're basically expecting them to give up their home at with their dad because he married you. Not cool, if you want a good relationship with them.

Not sure I'm explaining this right. But they are not visiting family members, like your sister or niece. They are your husband's children, and his home is their home.

Lack of respect is another matter, they should be expected to treat you with respect (to the extent that adolescents ever treat anyone with respect). But, "this is my house, you should behave like well-mannered guests" I doubt will be a successfull method of getting there.

If their father was in the car at the time, he should have spoken up & put a stop to that nonsense.

It's his responsibility to set standards for his children's behavior & his responsibility to demand that every/anyone respect his wife.

If this were my situation, I'd have a talk with him & tell him that this is unacceptable & that I wanted him to step in & handle it.

No one should have to defend herself in her own home.

& the best way to make someone remember something is to repeat it.

Like that old public speaking advice:

Tell 'em what you're gonna tell 'em.
Tell 'em.
Tell 'em what you've told 'em.
Ask if there are any questions.
Smile.
Say thank you & sit down.

Tell him the situation is unacceptable & intolerable.
Tell him it must change.
Tell him what you want him to do.
Ask for feedback or input.
Smile.
Tell him you are so happy that he realizes the importance of this.

& if he doesn't do it, speak up for yourself.

Don't argue;
make simple, firm, declarative sentences.

such as,
"I am sitting in the front seat beside my husband."
& don't argue.

If someone can get you to engage in an argument & keep you talking, you'll eventually lose.

I think one of the most difficult stepmother situations has to be when you marry a man with teenagers, and you dont have any kids of your own.

Teenagers are a handful in the best of circumstances, and its one heck of a way for someone to get introduced to parenthood...an instant adolescent family. Talk about giving yourself a challenge!

Those of us with children at least had several years and several developmental stages to grow into the teenage parent role. Its going to be tough for you.

Newstepmom: I would not tell them the house is yours and they are just visitors. This will probably cause a lot of alienation and anger between you and your stepchildren. However, I've never had a problem with stating "who pays the mortgage?" when they are arguing with me as to the merits of riding a futon mattress (standing up) down the stairs like a makeshift surf board (in hindsight "who pays your medical insurance?" would have worked also - I'll have to remember that one!!). I also don't have a problem asking "who pays the electricity?" when they leave every single light on in the house. Our house is home to us all (me, my husband and my stepdaughters - they live with us full-time) and my stepdaughters know that it is their home and their forever safeplace BUT when all is said and done they are children and we are the adults. They will follow the house rules and they will respect other people's possessions. Teaching them these things is no different than teaching a young child to wash their hands after using the bathroom.

P.S. My stepdaughters are teenagers (13 and 14). It's tough but not impossible. If both sides are willing to try, the outcome can be very rewarding.

Hope this helps!!

Thanks everyone.

I came from a very dysfunctional home, where there was a lot of anger. I rarely felt safe. I have been single for a long time and really enjoy the tranquility of my home.

When his kids come, they are so angry and hostile. It is very palpable to me, although my husband seems oblivious. It is an unhappy trip down memory lane.

I am not in a position of authority, so I feel like a sitting duck.

The prospect of sharing space with them depresses me.

"I am not in a position of authority"

Says who?
While I don't advocate telling the kids it's YOUR house (as opposed to their father's), I see absolutely nothing wrong in having your husband tell them it's YOUR (plural you) house and that there are house rules and these are what they are: 1,2,3...

Agree with him what they need to be, how they will be enforced, and what the consequences will be for breaking them. Also, be completely upfront with your husband about your own childhood and unresolved issues, and that a tranquil household is very, very important to you for that reason. He should fully support you in this --

Yes, you are in a position of authority;

you're providing the home for all these people, & so far it's been at your emotional & mental expense as well as financial.

Lay the cards on the table with your fiance.
Tell him that there is no room for discussion, that his children's behavior & attitude is causing you stress & misery & that you cannot continue to live this way.

If he can't bring himself to put a stop to their hostile behavior, or if he pooh-poohs your very real misery (growing up in a chaotic, angry, disfunctional home causes battle fatigue/shell shock/post-traumatic stress disorder), boot 'em all out.

You can't put afford to put boorish people ahead of your own peace of mind.

Children and tranquility are incompatible.

That's true, TOS, but there's a difference between childish playfulness and hostility. No one deserves to be treated with hosility and disrespect and made to feel uncomfortable in her own home.

It is a difficult situation. Lonepiper says,

"Our house is home to us all (me, my husband and my stepdaughters - they live with us full-time) and my stepdaughters know that it is their home and their forever safeplace " but we all know it may not their forever safeplace. If dad splits with current wife (and I assume he has split at least once before), it wont be "their forever safeplace".

I know teenagers arent easy. They arent visitors, and it isnt their permanant place.

Greetings,

KKNY and TOS, please refrain from posting on my threads.(I have a feeling I will be making the same request in the near future.)

It is understandable that children of divorce feel angry and bitter. It is heart-breaking when a family suffers a divorce. Part of me feels empathy for their condition. Nonetheless, it is still difficult to be around kids who are hostile.

The truth is, if the SKIDs were friendly and welcoming, it would be a pleasure to have them around 24/7. Because of their trauma (divorce), they are angry. So stepmoms are vilified for being unwelcoming. But it is hard to be warm to people who have chips on their shoulders.

It is a difficult situation.

KKNY, good point. However, my husband did not "split" on his first wife. She left, he didn't. No matter what, my husband would never "split" on his children. On the other hand, splitting on me may be a different story!!!! LOL!!! The girls have actually spoken with me about this issue. They are horrified that, if we ever divorced, they would never be able to see me or my relatives again (my husband and I try to never show discontent with one another in front of them because it seems to fuel their insecurity about the issue). The thing is, when I married their father the girls were the bestest wedding present I received!! (Not saying that's how I ALWAYS feel!! Kids are kids and as someone said "children and tranquility are incompatible"!!!) However, when I married their father, I also made a committment to my stepdaughters. It may not be a "marital" committment but its a committment nonetheless. I don't know what the future holds, who really does? But I do know that I will attempt to try my hardest to succeed in my marriage to and for the benefit of me, my husband and my stepdaughters.

Newstepmom, don't give up hope. Time helps to heal wounds, even deep ones. Be yourself, show them the person that their father fell in love with and remember that kids will be kids.

Well, the house is theirs and should be theirs. Not that it is physically their house and they pay the mortgage but that it is their home. I don't think you have any business conveying that the home is not their home. Ideally, you realized that when you married their father that they came along with the package and they by every right should feel that the home that you and their father lives in is their home. They are not visitors or distint relatives they are their fathers children. They should not have to feel grateful that they have a home with their father it is a right that they posess as their fathers children.
On the other hand, they aboslutely have no right in this home or any home to be rude, disrespectful, disperaging or any other such attitude. They are children and as children do not get free reign to do and say as they please when they please. And yes, you are in a postion of authority as both an adult in the childrens life and as a stepmother. This is part is easy for me because I have absolutely no problem telling other peoples children (at the park for example) to play nice or stop throwing things. So, I definately have no problem telling my own step children to be respectful of me. And absolutely talk to DH about establishing rules for the hosue that everyone lives by and their are no if ands or buts about it. For ex with SS I would not have EXPLAINED to him why I should sit in the front so much as stated because I am an adult and your fathers wife. The end no further chatter explaination or anything else and then I would have gotten into the car. If he continued I would have said I am not discussing this any further and DAD SHOULD ALWAYS BACK YOU UP. Unfortunately kids are hard headed especially the teenage variety and they like to push things as far as they can to see how far they can. Set up an trend now that while you will be kind and respectful and caring you will not be pushed around or mistreated. And yes, you had a dysfunctional childhood and so peace and tranquility is important to you and their anger is difficult to handle. However, you are the adult. Use your experiance and feelings to help them through theirs. They do not have a right to disrespect you but they do have a right to their own feelings and to deal with it in an adolescent way since they are infact adolescents. We can not expect chilren to act like children only when it suits us and then act like adults and control their feelings when it suits. I know that this is difficult and even more so with your childhood in the backround... but again, this is part of the bargain that you made when you married your DH. There are going to be a great deal of adjustments on everyones part and a great deal of give and take and because you are the grown up a whole lot more give on your part and take on theirs. Don't just give up at the first sign of trouble. Obviously, these kids need something that they are lacking... maybe your home and the tranquility is what it can be... maybe they just need to get used to the changes that have been made in their lives... as I said use your own experiances to help them and the best way I have found to break down the barriers is to find a common ground with each of them idividually and build on that. It can be something as simple as finding out a favorite flower and sticking one in a vase in their room when they come over... its passive aggressive but it shows hi I care and you are welcome. They may not appreciate it at first... but it'll come. They have to get past the anger first.

It is difficult enough to combine your life with someone elses but to combine the lives of four people (or more) with complicated pasts and different emotional stages sometimes takes a miracle... but a miracle that you have to work for and is soo very worth it in the end.

Newstepmom, I just thought of something else!! Don't forget that YOU need time to adjust to the huge change in your life also. It does NOT happen overnight. There is MUCH struggle. The things you are feeling are NOT unusual and you are NOT alone.

Hmmm. I think that the responsibility of providing a home for children rests with the parent, not the step parent.

Notwithstanding you dont want me posting (but I didnt realize you own this website), I could not agree with you more. The responsiblity rests with the parents.

My heart really goes out to the two young women posting other threads who look like their lives are headed for train wrecks (19 and 21, and taking on way too much responsiblity and neglecting their own eduction).

"I think that the responsibility of providing a home for children rests with the parent, not the step parent."

Sure. But what's your point?
Do you really want your husband to move out and set up his own household?
Didn't you even say something along those lines in an earlier post? That's right - Here it is:

"To make matters worse, DH moved into my house, which was much nicer that his. SD acts like she owns the place, and refers to it as her own. I told my DH that I feel burnt out by this, and exploited, and that he should give me a break by having his visitations with SD in the town where she lives(over an hour away from us.)"

and

"Since we have the money, I was thinking we could get a place in the town where the bio mom lives. This would give SD the alone time with Dad, where he could spend some of his weekends with the SKIDS. They could come to our home also, but would have an alternative close to home."

You really don't seem to want this youngest girl in your home and in your life.
I get that she's difficult.
But if you want to keep your husband, it means accepting his children.
They were there first.
They shouldn't have to lose their father because he remarried.
Even the snippy little one with attitude shouldn't have to lose her father.

And I have to say I'm offended by your whole "Send 'em to the doghouse" approach.

Here is a link that might be useful: Old thread

"Hmmm. I think that the responsibility of providing a home for children rests with the parent, not the step parent"

Ok, technically this is true. What exactly are you expecting this to mean in respect to your stepchildren? You married their father. HE is their parent, so he has a responsibility to provide a home for them for the time they are with them. If he is living with you (which is something that you and he chose, not something his children chose) then that home is going to be your home. That's not their choice, that's your (plural, yours and husband's) choice. I really don't understand what you are expecting from these children? They should give up their right to have a home with their father because he married you?

If you think he is not doing enough as a parent or you are doing too much as a stepparent to provide this home, that is a problem between you and your husband. These not-yet-adult kids still have a right to have a home (not "guest status") with their father. You seem to think they should express gratitude to you for "allowing" them to come stay with you. No. They have a right to have a home with their dad. If you and your husband choose to share a home, that means your home is their home too. It just is. You can fight it if you want, but you are going to have some very very angry teenagers on your hands if you do.

I think what she said is that she bought the house, she's paying for it, & every other week these young persons (young teens? nearly adults?) come in & ride roughshod over her feelings & treat her like dirt, & that she cannot stand conflict & agitation, & it *seems* like she said that her brand-new husband won't correct the rudeness & disrespect his children are dishing out.

Those kids don't sound insecure to me;
they sound like bullies.

Just as the stepmother isn't always the baddie, & the mother isn't always the wronged innocent, the kids aren't always the pitiful victims.

Sometimes the stepmother is the saving grace, & the mother is the nutcase, & the kids are manipulators or bullies.

"Just as the stepmother isn't always the baddie, & the mother isn't always the wronged innocent, the kids aren't always the pitiful victims.

Sometimes the stepmother is the saving grace, & the mother is the nutcase, & the kids are manipulators or bullies."

The person you leave out of this equation is the Dad. Where is he???? I truly think that is the genesis of a lot of issues. He has to step up to the plate.

right.
I musta forgot him...
'cause where is he?

where was he when his son said OP should sit in the back seat?

where is he when all this conflict & rudeness is going on?

Hi Again.

The kids speak to my DH and the EX in the same way. I find it shocking.

In a fit of rage, my SS told his mother, "the only thing you care about is getting your p**sy f**ked." He was 15 years old at the time.

Sadly, they are used to speaking to adults in this vulgar way. My DH tunes out, he is so used to this way of communicating.

"My DH tunes out, he is so used to this way of communicating."

A father who doesn't respond to that isn't just "used to it";
he's ducking out of his responsibility & has been for a long time, long enough that abusive language & hostile behavior are normal in that family.

This is a disfunctional, enraged, verbally abusive family with a passive (passive/aggressive?) father.

Letting them infect your life with their disfunction & anger will not help them;

it'll put you right back into the kind of unsafe environment you've escaped.

If this adolescent talked to his own mother that way, how you think he'll treat you?

& violence doesn't remain level;
it escalates.

You might give husband a chance (one only), but be prepared for him not to do anything, since he hasn't so far, & prepare your plan B.

which would be sending the whole lot of them packing before you are hurt.

I wish you the best.

maybe the problem is you are not asking us the question you really need answered?

To the question you asked "How to I convey that, while they are welcome to come visit, the house is mine, without hurting their feelings?" I stand by my answer, you do not.

To the question that has been implied along the way "How do I get them to treat me with respect when their father my husband does not expect them to, and when both of their parents have raised them to believe rude disrepectful behavior is acceptable" I am not qualified to answer. I suspect if there is an answer, is not an easy one and it involves your husband and not anything you can unilaterally say to your stepchildren.

Totally agree with Sylvia and Quirk --
You're asking the wrong question.

What kind of man did you marry that puts up with that kind of behavior in his children?

My DH is a sweet guy, but has a wickedly bad case of the divorced Dad guilt and is afraid that his kids will choose not to see him if he disciplines them.

What scares and depresses me is that there seem to be no boundaries or limits. When my husband used to ground his kids, the Ex wouldn't follow through on the punishment. That was a major cause of the break up of the marriage.

These aren't my kids, so I don't feel comfortable disciplining them. But it is my house, so I think I get some say as to what goes on here.

Sweeby, you were a little quick to put me into the evil stepmother category. Would you like to tolerate this type of behavior in your house? Besides, I think that they would prefer it if their Dad had a place closer to their home with their Mom. I hardly think it is kicking them out to the street.

Newstepmom,

With all due respect, I think, in general, that parties outside the marriage only hear one side as to why it broke up. An X may have a different story -- as in Dad wouldnt back me up. It doesnt sound like Dad is parent of the year.

In any event, the focus should be on the present. I would suggest counseling, and if the seperate houses works for you I would say go for it. I think space can be a solution. Before you know it, the children will be in college.

I think that seperate houses is a sad and dangerous "fix" and infact not really a "fix" at all. As sooo many people have stated and pointed out and the BMs on this board have rallied and pointed out as well... 18 or college does not mean that the children are not in your life anymore... it simply means a new phase of parenting. And, what kind of family enviroment does that provide for the children or sense of longterm sercurity and emotional well being?? What kind of positive example does that set for a happy healthy relationship??

Any father that would allow a child to speak to someone let alone their mother the way son did is not doing his job by any stretch of the imagination. Even as a bystander I would not have been able to stand by and see a child speak to his mother that way. As a stranger I would have told that young man that in no way shape or form is that acceptable not only as child speaking to his parent but as a human being addressing another.

If this is the case and the children are acting like that and both mom and dad are not doing anything about it ... it is a situation that will not be fixed. The only possible fix is for dad to step up and be dad. IE: do not allow your children to act this way. Yes, not all children are victims some are bullies... some use their one ounce of grievance the one thing that went wrong in their lives as an all access get out of jail free card to do say and act however they please. It is up to the parents to show that this is unacceptable both as a child and as an adult in real life.

My home life has gone from idyllic to intolerable.

I find their behavior unacceptable, but don't foresee it changing anytime soon.

The SKIDs know that Dad won't discipline them, so they can do pretty much what they want to do in my house. And, I they have a lot of anger which is looking for an outlet.

Truthfully, I can't see living like this for much longer.