Welcome! Hope you find lots of helpful hints here. I, too hope you can sift through some of the not-so-helpful stuff that you'll read.

Sounds like things are off to a good start. Good luck!

Welcome also....I'm guessing that you are young. Perhaps in your early 20's? I remember when I was living with my now ex and his 5 year daughter came to live with us full time. I was terrified.

It is going to take some time for you to relax. Since you don't have any kids of your own it is a whole new thing to have two kids to take care of. You will have some pumps in the road. That is to be expected. Your BF and you need to make sure that you talk things out and try to agree on as much as possible. I might suggest that you not jump in to quickly with the kids and assume a "parenting" role. I did and it was difficult for me.

I wish you the best and hope that you find help here. We can get a bit testy at times but there is a lot of good experience here and thoughtful advice.

Welcome --

"I have recently moved in with my boyfriend
...it's just plain weird (for lack of a better word) to have these kids in my house "

Oops -- Try to reframe things in your mind.
It's not "having these kids in YOUR house" -- it's "having YOU in THEIR house" that's weird. I'm just saying to remember that these kids were there first, that Dad's house was 'theirs' long before it became 'yours', and that Dad belonged to them long before he belonged to you. THEY are not the intruders here.

Pardon me if I'm over-reacting to the semantics, but these little working slips can be telling.

thanks for the welcome!

believer - i'm not that young - i'm nearing 30...but i guess the biggest thing is not having any kids of my own...so it is a pretty big adjustment...

sweeby - sorry if i offended by my wording...but when i say we moved in together - i mean we all moved - to a brand new house - so it's all equally everyones...i don't doubt that it's weird for the kids too...i was just hoping for some advice to help me feel more comfortable - cuz i'm sure that will help them feel more comfortable as well.

I'm not sure it is just the physical house that is important, although it is crucial to think of it as "ours" not "mine" - it is also important to remember as Sweeby pointed out that Dad belonged to them first, and the kids are not intruders.

Those little wording issues!
Yes, a 'neutral' house would be easier than if you had moved into 'their' house -- and I wasn't offended -- didn't mean to come off snotty either if I did.

If it's a brand new house, how about a 'household meeting' to establish 'House Rules'? Decide what few issues are really important to you, and have a whole-gang sit-down where you all brainstorm what the house rules (and maybe chores?) should be. Hopefully, the kids will list the basics, but if not, have BF prepared to jump in. (Don't add many rules yourself!) Then write them all down along with what the consequences will be for lack of compliance.

That way, in the future, when a house rule is broken, you will be able to 'point it out' in a neutral tone and can avoid being the bad guy while still maintaining order.

Hi!
*waves like a dork*

Adjusting to living with BF and kid(s) isn't a cup of tea for anyone. There are growing pains in every family.
FDH and his son (A__, age 9) wound up moving in with me last winter when FDH's home flooded, and then we all moved back to FDH's renovated home this summer...
So, even though it's weird now, it does get easier, especially once the routines of showers and breakfasts and all those things are established. It took awhile for me to get used to it all, but now it feels like someone's missing when A__ is at his mom's, not feels like there's someone extra when he's with us.

And, sure, I agree that the kids were "there first" but you're also probably used to a "mostly grown-ups" relationship with BF... So I do understand that it feels funny to now live with him AND the kids.
Don't worry - try to be positive, keep and open mind, feel things out as you go rather than how your brain thought they'd be before you moved, and ABOVE ALL be honest with BF about the growing pains without villainizing the kids.

Welcome to the 'family'! :-)

The first piece of advice I will give you is in line with what Sweeby said, and it is not intended to be belittling or mean. Remember that you are entering into a family that has traditions, rules, quirks and such that were established before you entered the picture. Don't go in trying to change everyone and everything in a day, or do away with 'their' traditions to start 'your' traditions. You will likely have a fresh perspective on things that happen, and possible ways to improve or even change them. . . . but that doesn't make you right and them wrong. Ceph - the waving dork! - is a great example of how to make this work, you can learn much from her. Her FSS has troubles that she has helped he and FDH TREMENDOUSLY with due to her fresh ideas and insight. But she didn't swoop in and try to fix everything; she slowly opened their eyes to other options. Because of this A__ loves and respects her rather than despises and resents her.

The success of your new family will have a lot to do with how you approach it in the beginning. If your eyes and heart are open, you are off to a great start!

Again, welcome. I hope you will find great examples of what to do . . . and what not to do!!

*blush*
Thanks JNM!

hello tyrannical,

I never post here, but I read a lot. I think my one and only post was seeking other women whose significant others have children yet have none of their own.

I got two responses...if that.

I wouldn't even consider my self a "stepmother". Even if BF and I get married I would never want to be called that. Ever. My father remarried when I was 18. I have never refered to her as my stepmother. She is my fathers wife. We have a great relationship.

She (SD&) already has a mother. BUT I am an adult and she should respect me as such. Living together did present some challenges. Her father and I had to put a stop to the "But It's MINE/I want/I wont because this is MY Daddy's house" excuse everytime she was unhappy because she couldn't get her way. I'm sorry but even though he was living there first It's just as much my household as it is theirs. It IS "OURS".

We have her EOW and sometimes during the week.

Being childless presents a whole different set of emotions that fathers and women with children can't quite understand.

I suggest you google "childless stepmoms". There are lots of great articles and sites.

Good luck to you!

"Being childless presents a whole different set of emotions that fathers and women with children can't quite understand."

I think being a stepmother in general can be emotionally trying...just as being a PARENT is emotionally trying.

I am a SM to a 6 year old SS; I am also the sole parent to my daughter who is also 6. Our kids are 6 weeks apart in age!

Being a mom and a stepmom to two children who are the same age has been an up and down battle. It has been very hard for me to reconcile how I feel about my own child--I love her and would give up my own life for her in a heartbeat--to how I feel about my SS, which I would compare more to how I feel about a nephew or my goddaughter. It's love, and caring, but it is not the way I feel about my bio child.

That recognition--and just learnring to ADMIT that it's okay that I feel that way---took a long time. I used to beat myself up feeling guilty, feeling like I should love my SS like my own child...and then wondering if I was a horrible person because I didn't?

Then add in the fact that my DD's dad has never been in the picture. So for 5 years, my DH has been her dad. I can honestly say--he loves her as his own completely.

I used to think---why is he able to feel that way about her--but I don't about my SS? What is wrong with me?

My counselor pointed out to me, months ago, that I am not my SS's mother. His mom IS in the picture. So I don't get to do those things that make someone a mom. I don't go to parent/teach conferences; I don't take him to the doctor when he's sick; I don't have the magic touch to kiss it and make it better; I don't have photo albums of me being pregnant with him, or stories about when he was a baby to share. It IS different.

Once I realized that--and stopped mentally berating myself for not feeling a "certain way" things drastically improved. I started viewing my SS like a friend, like someone that I love and care about and not worrying about how I "felt" or "didn't feel." I just went with my instinct and stopped TRYING so hard to force something.

The result--my SS is happier and I am happier. We have come along way in the last 4-6 months and I think our bond/friendship has really blossomed. DH has commented so much on how friendly and open SS has been with me--and he is--he comes to me with problems, questions or whatever. This is such a huge change from how things had been...and I really think much of it is a change in my attitude.

It's NICE.

My point is--I think being a stepmom with kids, being a stepmom with no kids---it's all tough at times. This forum is a way to bond with one another and help each other through whatever! Sometimes just talking to people who have BTDT is all we need.

I know there are other SMs on here with no bio-kids of their own---but I agree, the MAJORITY do have kids, as well.