DOCUMENT EVERYTHING ... times dates who said what everything how many calls what he wears to your home ... everything what he ate for dinner.... even if its trivial to you keep track of it.

Let SS know that you don't care if mom is mad at you ... its her problem as an adult to deal with being mad.

Don't worry about mom asking questions if you are not doing anything wrong ... ask ss do I do bad things to you if he answers no then tell him don't let what mom says worry him.

"Mommy is really angry right now and when people get angry they say and do dumb things."

"Dad's house has rules and mom's house has rules some will be the same some will not but you will fit right in no matter where you are."

"Mommy should be talking to an adult about her adult problems you are just kid and should only be worried about kid things. "

Do not engage mom in any conversation stay out of conference calls write down your issues and put them in dad's hands let him deal with her.

If she starts yelling at him ..... "when you can be calm and discuss this like an adult call me back".

I know I should follow my own advice :-) but quick to dish some out to another...

I know its hard to stay out of the conversation but believe me I know it will only cause you heartache and disgust with yourself you would not believe the extent SOME BIOLOGICAL MOTHERS will go to enact revenge. They will use their children as weapons. And the ones who suffer are the kids...

I think cawfecupÂs advice is right on the money.

"She then told me that I should respect ss for 'being real' and not acting like he likes me if he doesn't."

I wouldn't want someone pretending to like me if that is not the case.

I agree that you should stay out of conference calls.

This is what I learned in parents in high conflict.

"It must have been difficult for you to hear those things (be questioned, etc). I'm sorry you had to go through that because those are adult conversations and its not your job to deal with that." Then address it with DH and BM.

When my ex used to complain to DD her couselor taught her to say..."that's grown up stuff can you talk to mom about that." It worked beautifully- what's he going to do yell at his 8 year old...he stopped using her as the go between.

Thanks for the advice, I will use it. I usually do stay out of their conversations, I hate talking to her... but she requested I be there for this one because she wanted to hear from me what ss had said. ( I'm not sure why though, I guess so she could call me liar?)
theotherside- I don't expect him to pretend to like me, I just ask for common courtesy and for him to respect house rules the same as the other children. I hope he doesn't listen to his mom and start disrespecting his teacher just because he doesn't like her, I can't imagine that working out too well for him.

Fortunately (well fortunately if you don't like your teacher), the average child in public school gets only a few minutes of personal attention from their teacher a day. You don't have to eat with them, hold long conversations with them, depend on them for much, or compete with them for your father's time and attention. Best of all you know they will be out of your life in 180 days.

if bm's hus left her to be with you, gaining he co-operation is not going to be easy for you. You have done and are doing nothing to make her life easierso why should she do anything for you. Why should helping you be equal to helping her kid, I think she believes that you havenÂt helped him either.

The child also seems to be in her corner, if he would choose to stop going to your and his BD's house just to keep her happy and avoid conflict , what can you do.

Yes, please vilify bm in his eyes so when he gets older, he can ealy resent you. Please try to seperate them for your own convenience.

Gosh sometimes I wonder why women would choose to put themself in such a situation, as if they have no choices, adn then forcefully bend everything around them to fit them only.

Your guys dick is not the golden sceptre of the king, by manipulating it you cannot achieve whatever you want.

Stay out of the bm's business with her kid and her ex hus in delaing with their kid, I am not sorry for you at all, or even empathise with you. There is no easy help for you, so help yourself and stay out of the way of the child when he has to see his father. This has nothing to do with you. And validated though you may be that "he just laughed and will never go back with her" that gives you no rights in their business, obv iiously, his family are falling short of respecting you as well, still being in good contact with the mother of their grandchildren, I wonder why, I guess respecting you is difficult for everyone.

i am not a bm

ebern- You make a lot of presumptions that just aren't accurate. Dh didn't leave his ex-wife to be with me, she actually left him and when she tried to return, he wouldn't take her back... I had nothing to do with it.
Secondly, I don't say or do anything to villify his mother in his eyes. She does that just fine on her own.
Third- How do I stay out of the way when he visits our home? Pack up and leave once a week and eow? Not sure I understand that one.
fourth- My in laws think that bm is absolutely insane and do not like her calling them. They only remain polite to her for ss sake. What ever made you think they don't respect me?

Ellie, I have a similar situation and I think that what NewGardenElf said is great. You are giving your step-sons empowering tools.

Ultimately, you can only model what you hope your step-son to do. I always tell the boys to treat others the way they want to be treated, even when they are upset at the person, because being upset isn't a good reason for bad behavior.

My step-sons are constantly guilted into things by their mother, they feel they should protect and please her (I've seen this in other divorced families as well), and I more often than not become her lightning rod (she too takes a creative license when interpreting what she hears). But the children are smart and good hearted (it sounds like your step-son is too): when they grow older, I trust that they will begin to wonder why their mother behaves the way she does.

If I were you, I would try and stay out of any communication with the mom. Us step-moms are the fortunate ones to carry much blame for many things we aren't responsible for (I, too, carry the blame for their divorce when I had absolutely nothing to do with it), so it's best not to give them any more ammo than the one they create.

Hang in there lady. If your step-son is opening up to you, it must mean that you are doing something right. :o)

op u r right. I did form assumptions. I assumed that the main reason an ex w would turn kid against new wife is if there were a conflict not allowing peace. And the fact that ex w is still in touch with xmil and the rest is if they weren't angry with her 4 hurting their son.

my bad

ayway seems like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. She wants her family back, which is why she speaks of getting him back. She thinks that the only right way to carry on is to regain what she lost, which is why she is trying to use her son as leverage.

if I were u, for now I would not communicate with her for anything. let nubby deal with issues concerning the kid, continuing to cement to her that he is no longer available and more than that, u r not moved by attempts to phase u.

How can she use her son to hurt the peace in ur home if u never let her feel that she is succeeding.

takes patience, but will take wind out of her sails.

I am posting from my phone so forgive what I mispell.

I am certain my X tells people I left him. He told me to get out, and take OUR DD with me. By leaving voluntarily I could cut better deal for DD for college money, etc. His GF moved in shortly thereafter.

I wouldn't talk to her anymore- I think that is good advice. It may be a control thing for her to be able to "question" you like she is questioning her son. If your ss is telling you something it is breaking his confidence to turn around and tell BM what he said- she may be using that against him.

Plus there is a special relationship between and mother and son- I agree with proserpina that he may feel the need to please mom or make her happy. Among all my divorced friends I believe most often children favor the parent who they see as weaker or victim or needing protection.

As they grow older they seem to resent having been leant on so heavily for emotional support and being questioned is something I've heard older kids say they HATE! I think being the person he leans on will streghten your relationship. I would keep a journal though cuz you never know.