Hi Mom2email,

What does the custody agreement say about Holiday visitation? Mine has it stated that we share every other Holiday.(although X has never seen the kids on Holidays) It doesn't mention birthdays but I'm sure there are those that do. I would start there.

Yes she should have talked with Biodad first but it doesn't sound like she does what she should the rest of the time.

It's too bad that the kids get caught in the middle. You have to share if that is what the agreement says. Hopefully you can work something out that won't cause a lot of drama for the poor kids. Maybe she won't hang around long enough to try and do every thing that she has told them she would. I would have DH call her to talk to her ahead of time, after he checks the custody agreement. It's better that she have time to get used to the arrangements before the Holidays get much closer. Best of luck on this one.

My dh has sole custody. There is nothing in the custody papers about her having ANY visitation. She was so wrapped up in her bf during the divorce that she just never showed up for court so she got nothing. As it stands she gets no holidays or anything....my husband has just let her have 1/2 the day on most holidays in the past for the benefit of the kids. That way they get 1/2 the day with him and his family and 1/2 the day with her and her family.

That is why this is so irritating!

Personally I don't think BM should get any of the actual holidays. She can have Christmas on the 27th, ditto for all the rest too. And she should also be cautioned about using the children as pawns in future.

She gave up custody and visitation. She has no moral right to barge in and scoop all the fun days. You don't want to keep the children from her, but she also must learn to understand the outcome of her choices and there is no reason why she should be dictating to you guys and upsetting all your plans and holidays.

If she wants to reestablish a relationship with the children she sure is going about it all the wrong way. It really is something, what some BMs can get away with.

I would continue to do what you all did in the past give her 1/2 the day...Does she deserve it no...BUT right now she has no visitation set up in the agreement, that doesnt stop her from going back and asking for visitation (we have been there done this) so worst case scenario is that she does go back for visitation, you need to appear to the judge that you have been making an effort for the kids to spend time w BM, you ahve to show that you are the "Bigger" parent.....this is something we always try and keep in mind even when things are nice and quiet because you just never know.
cant remember how old your kiddos are but when our BM popped back in the pic we offered 1/2 a day on Christmas and all agreed but didnt consult SD who had always been at home on Christmas, she was 6 or so at the time and said she wasnt going to go, that she wanted to be at home and play with her presents, she was really upsent. we expressed SD wishes BM and its not an issue now (she has been gone again for a long time) but it was decided that SD would go the day after xmas instead..so I guess my point is you might try and get an idea from the kids what they would like to see happen (but I wouldnt leave it up to them) I am sure they are still in the honeymoon phase of BM being around again.....

I am sure she wont stick around too long........

As much as it sucks, I think giving her at least some time for each holiday is the right thing to do. I would say to alternate them like we do with SD, but who knows if BM will be around next year??
You could give her the day after Thanksgiving since there is no school, and Christmas Eve until 9:00 or so. 1/2 a b-day seems okay as long as the party isn't on that very day.

Were it me, I would send BM a certified letter basically reminding her that per the custody agreement she has NO specified visitation or holiday time. Because she has moved back to town you are willing to allow some, but only if it is not disruptive the the children's already established schedules. I would then lay out the approved times/days. Let her know that there will be no make ups or substitutions unless arranged a week in advance BETWEEN THE PARENTS, not through the kids. Additionally, no changes to the plan are to be discussed with the children until approved by both parents.

This is my BIGGEST pet peeve - BM uses SD to convey everything to DH regarding scheduling that changes the normal arrangement. We have asked, begged and pleaded that she leave SD out of it and provide us with 24 hour notice, and she'll agree for about 2 weeks and email her schedule but then we'll get the calls FROM SD again 10 minutes before she needs to come home.
Another fun one - SD just told us at dinner the other night that mom thinks she should go to the other high school in town rather than the one she feeds in to. She admits she hasn't looked into if it's a better school - it's just 'prettier.' I though DH was going lose it - why the hell would she discuss this with SD before discussing it with DH? Has she, he could have told her the amount it would cost to have SD transfered. Betcha anything that amoutn would change mom's mind real quick like.

I would suggest your husband put in writing what he is willing to give her on holidays. It should say "Christmas day: 10am-2pm" etc. (of course with the times HE wants) and give it to her. Then stick to those times as if they are the order. If she doesn't like it, she can go to court to seek something else but if he has given her a schedule in writing, she would probably have a hard time convincing a Judge that he's being unreasonable. It would also show that he's trying to keep stability so the kids, him & her know what's going to happen and when.

I won't even comment on what she deserves, that's up to your husband to decide. That's why he has sole custody, right?

Your DH should file for a court date, so that he can get a CO for visitation & child support. The court order will dictate the schedule, which is typically every other holiday. The sooner he gets into court, the sooner he gets to stop playing the bad guy who prevents poor widdle BM from seeing her children. Once there is an order in place, he simply needs to follow the judges orders.

The reason why there is not a visitation schedule is because she never showed up to court in the first place. So DH would have to spend $ to take her to court and get her visitation? As for cs, my dh keeps saying it is not worth paying a lawyer to do because you can't take $ from someone who has none. Last time I checked her welfare checks for her 3 new babies could not be garnished for child support for her 3 kids we have! LOL

If bm has no visitation I would not rush into court and give it to her. She sounds unstable and like she may not always have the kids best interests in mind. With her having no visitation in the co that gives your dh the power to stop visitation if she messes up. I would not give someone rights who did not deserve them. Is a co with weekends and holidays outlined really going to change her complaining and showing up without calling?

I used to envy you because mom was not around ... sorry now I wouldn't want to be in your shoes either.

the poor kids listening to her your SD's are probably thinking she won't be around anyway ... but your SS is too young he'll get his heart broken when she disappears again.

The only thing I can think of if the kids says mom says she is going to _______ she has to clear it with daddy first. He might have plans for you.

This worked with mine for a bit because mom would set up things on "our" days and we would "have to take them" ... until I kept repeating mom should check with daddy first we might have something planned.

I would come up with "things that we were going to do" but mom already made plans for you .... they stopped letting mom make plans on our days ... and now we can do stuff with them that "we" want to do.

If you don't give her time she will just tell the kids so let the older ones have some input maybe? as to when they want to go with mom? I don't know ...

We don't have a problem giving bm time, but we want it scheduled in advance. We want to be able to make plans with the kids too! Thats why DH tried telling her she could have EOW. But she seems to think everyones lives should revolve around her new work schedule and we should just sit and wait for her to call us each week or two with her work schedule and what days she can/or wants to take the kids. And she thinks she is entitled to all holidays now too. She is just crazy!

Our thought is set up EOW and work together on holidays so the kids can see both parents. If she ends up working on her weekend she can take them for just a day of it or try to switch weekends with us depending on what we may have planned.

The kids do want to see bm. The older one is worried about missing things when she is with bm though. She has a feeling that bm will not want to drive to her games or that bm will not let her go to b-day parties or activities on her days. She is probably right unfortunately.

I'm sorry to hear this;
don't know how to get an adult to stop pumping up a bunch of premature excitement, but maybe it's at least an opportunity to give the kids some armor.

They need to know how to keep their feet on the ground when *anybody* goes to work on their emotions, trying to get them so excited that they forget to be cautious & they get their hopes up.

Getting people too excited to think rationally is what con artists do.

That is true Sylvia! The only problem is that 2 of the 3 skids put bm on this pedestal, like she is so wonderful! And when things do not work out as she says they will most times the kids eat up her BS reasons and it is NEVER bm's fault! And I am just afraid that she is going to name us as the reason why her little plans don't work!

YUCK. What a mess. This woman is delusional to think she has any right to just show up and schedule everyones holidays when she has been M.I.A. for long and has NO RIGHTS! What a putz.

Hub's should talk to her ASAP about filling the kids heads with poopy before clearing details with him first. Let her know you guys are more than willing to let her get "holiday time" with the kids but she is going to have to play nicely and share that time.

I would switch holidays. She can have them Thanksgiving Day and you can do the day after with them and then come Christmas, you and hubs get them Christmas Day and she can have them the day after...etc. etc. That's what alot of folks do and it seems to work out pretty well.

She needs to be set straight fast before she has more time to plant more seeds in you Skids heads. GOOD LUCK!!!!

P.S. I hope the girls mom stays gone for the holidays. Does that make me horrible? It's such a pain dealing with all the drama.