I am sorry about your sister's trouble. It's a shame after such a long marriage. Her situation sounds almost identical to my best friend's, except she was married 35 years when hubby pulled the plug. In fact, in our circle of friends, five long-time marriages have broken up in the last few years.

I've got three pieces of advice: #1 is do not have her move closer to you. She will become totally dependent on you, especially as you've already shown you feel some responsibility for her well-being. This will wear you out, RosieL. My friend was extremely needy at first and wanted to move across the street from me (and my handy husband). Thank goodness someone else bought the house! I know it's a bit different since she's your sister, but if her neediness is already driving you crazy, this is only the beginning.

#2 - Advise her to get the best lawyer she can possibly afford. A marriage of long duration usually means she should get alimony for quite a few years, so she can get educated and prepared for the real world, if that's possible. Tell her to not sign anything, not get a job, not move from that house, NOTHING - until a lawyer assesses her situation.

#3 is to advise her to see a counselor asap. To be 55 and have no skills of any kind and no independence sounds to me like she may be the victim of spousal abuse. She's going to need professional help to get through this, and her husband should pay for it.

Look after your own emotional health during this family crisis, too, RosieL. Divorce is messy and slops over everyone in the vicinity.

I think the hardest thing to deal with when I was first divorced was the fact that he didn't care enough about me to try to work things out to stay with me. He went from me right to (the next month) the woman he is now married to. My self esteem was at the bottom level. All my friends were married and I felt like I didn't fit in any more. I can imagine that your sister is having he same feelings and even more since she is so dependent.
A good support system is vital when you are in the midst of a divorce. I had initially gone to a counselor who really set me straight about my self pity and kind of gave me a good kick in the pants.
The thing that really helped me was getting a job. I had never had a "real" full time job. I had always stayed at home with the kids. Having a job got allowed me to be around people who liked me (a boost to that low self esteem) As a result I made friends who would lend me a hand or offer advise to my household type stuff.
Your sister is lucky that she has you. But if she is so dependent, offer her suggestions to solve her own problems. And offer a lot of empathy and sympathy, we all need that once in a while. Encourage her by pointing out that she is an intelligent woman, what happened was not her fault and she can and will survive. I don't know what other advice I can give. Everyone and every situation is different. I wish the best for her.

Jaclyn,
I respect everyone opinions here but, telling her not to get a job. If she HAD a job she wouldnt be in such a mess. Secondly, to have no skills or independence being spousal abuse?? how about laziness or lack of motivation. Not sure where the spousal abuse comes in. Alimony?? How about get a job and support thy self for the first time? Sorry...not the advice I would give but, I still respect your opinion.

Thanks so much for the responses. JacLyn, I KNOW that you are right in saying that I will be better off if she ckeeps a safe distance. My DH would not want to be caretaker of two households thats for sure. Her attorney has also advised her to stay in the home and to maintain the same economic arrangement that she had throughout the marriage until everything is finalized. Your advice is sound there and much appreciated just to have a consensus. She is seeing a counselor, but I think he is of little value at a great cost. I have suggested that she seek out someone more helpful, but it was a big step for her to begin this counseling and now that she's latched on .... won't let go. As far as spousal abuse ... I actually think it was more like a dysfunctional relationship where she required him to do everything and he did it and then pouted forever type of thing. Hard to say unless someone is living in the home, but I was her little sister for 50 years and Lord knows thats how she treated me when we were little. She broke .. I fixed. I guess that's why I feel responsible for her now. I feel fortunate that for some reason I am the spunkier of us two (actually 4 more where we came from). I dare someone to tell me I can't do something ...I will kill myself someday trying to prove something ... Lord knows what!!! I've done electrical, concrete, computer repair, run a chain saw and repaired appliances and someday I will meet my match!! Susnnn .. I know you are very right .. that I have to let her solve her own problems, but its so hard to see her floundering in the water. I do see her getting stronger by the week if not by the day and hopefully she will find a new niche in the world after its all over. When I said she had no skills I kind of gave the wrong impression. She is a good cook. Very smart woman. Great gardener. Puts up her own homegrown foods. These were all things her husband valued at one time that they did together for enjoyment. Teeweeone .. I think you must be paying alimony or didn't qualify for any. Its not that I don't appreciate your advice (that I did truly consider), but they chose their lifestyle together. He is a European person and wanted his wife at home. He was a new immigrant when they were married and she taught him the ways of the country and the English language and even arranged for his job (now makes 70K). I think she well deserves alimony because she was an integral part of his ascent. 30 years is not 2 years. It is a lifetime and if after all this time he could so disrespect her, I think she should get everything she can. She is what she is because this is how they worked well together for all those years. If he has changed his mind - well, there's a price.

Hey Rosie, my heart goes out to your sister. She has a long road to recovery, but it's not impossible. I lived thru this with my sister, who caught her husband cheating after 20 years of marriage.

My sister had to learn to stand on her own two feet, to LIKE herself and be comfortable with being alone. A very bumpy road indeed. It took more than two years, but the transformation is remarkable. She now wonders why SHE didn't leave HIM before! She's on top of the world looking down at him.

Just be there for her and support her. Lend a hand or a shoulder. And make her an appointment with an attack lawyer!

sorry RosieL... I make over more money than he does and I dont have to support anyone. This is a problem that women face when they make a that choice. A choice and sitution I will never be in. Again ...good luck its hard when its brothers and sisters...

This is a response to teeweeone's statement:

Secondly, to have no skills or independence being spousal abuse??

One of the manifestations of spousal abuse is an unwillingness by the man in this case to let his wife have interests outside of the home. The abuser will work towards making his victim completely dependent on him to better control her. He may have denied her the opportunity to work in a direct or indirect way.

Just a clarification, not a criticism.

I don't know about spousal abuse - but this guy's ideas of marriage probably haven't changed much in 30 years - when women were still "told" they had to stay home (especially being from Europe, where there are still old world ideas in place). I had an older friend who graduated with me from college, who was a divorced mother of two. She told me how her husband was successful, had his own business, and didn't want her to work. She stayed home to raise a family. If you are in the midst of a happy, financially sound marriage, hey - that sounds like a deal. With no reason to suspect you may need the skills or the money someday, you happily stay home and raise a family. Then boom, the other shoe drops.

I guess it depends on his intentions - did he encourage it because that's what his mother did? Because he genuinely wanted her to stay home and raise a healthy family? Or because he wanted to squash her and her interests? I think a judge would probably grant her alimony in a heartbeat, especially since she's now raising a grandchild.