why would an adult act like school in not important?

18 years ago

My ex acts like school is not important for our son, who is in 3rd grade. Everytime our son sleeps over there on a school night he comes home complaining about why he needs to go to school. My ex is supporting this attitude. Two weeks ago my son spent the weekend there and on Monday morning my ex calls me telling me he is too sick to drive our son home and asks me to call our son into school sick. I ask if our son is sick and he says no, so I tell him I am on my way to pick our son up. The ride home our son complains about why he could not just stay at his dads house for the day!

Today my ex calls me to tell me that our son's asthma has been bothering him. I ask if it is bad and he says no. I offer to let him bring our son home or say I will call in a refill of his asthma medicine to the Walgreens near his house for him to pick it up and he says it is not that bad. So, I call him back tonight to check on our son and he tells me that our son is really not feeling well and should not go to school tomorrow (though he never felt it was serious enough to give him his asthma medicine or bring him home!). I told him that if our son was not sick enough for his medicine or to come home tonight then he would be fine for school tomorrow. My ex then tells me that I am "too hard" on our son and it is not a big deal if he misses a day here and there because he is a smart kid. I tell him that unless our son is dying and unable to get out of bed I expect him in school and that is just how it is! I know during this time our son was sitting right there just eating this up! So, I tell his dad that I am tired of our son complaining about going to school everytime he sleeps over there on a school night. Our son always comes home before school and whines about why he has to go to school! I told my ex that he needs to be more supportive of the importance of school for a 3rd grader and stop saying that missing school for no good reason is okay! My ex just kept saying that it is not a big deal and that I am like a "Nazi".

I told my dh about this tonight and he is angry too. I do not know what to do about this situation! It is getting to the point where I do not want my son spending the night at his dads on school nights anymore. He usually goess there every other Fri and comes home the following Mon morning before school. Plus, most weeks he spends one weeknight with his dad. I do not want to deprive my son of time with his dad, but I do not feel that I should have to deal with my son complaining about going to school each time he comes home in the morning either. Mornings when he has slept at home he does not complain about going to school.

Any suggestions?

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Comments (7)

theotherside
18 years ago
"I tell him that unless our son is dying and unable to get out of bed I expect him in school and that is just how it is!"

I assume you did not mean this literally. One of my coworkers used to send her daughter to school when she woke up with a fever of 102, and referred to her as a "little trooper." I think her mother was a rather large idiot, and I would not want my kids to be sitting next to her daughter. Another girl in our school was sent in with chicken pox on the last day of school, and managed to make the summer miserable for a lot of families.

My kids hate to miss school when they are sick, because they have to make up the work. There have been times when I had to insist that they stay home. That doesn't mean that they don't complain about having to go to school almost every single morning though.

I would worry a lot if he is not giving the child his asthma medicine if he is having an attack. How serious is your child's asthma?
kkny
18 years ago
How far do you live from your X? Maybe you could suggest on weeknight visits child have dinner with Dad and then come home to you before a reasonable bed time? Could some of the problem be that Dad doesnt supervise that homework is getting done and then child doesnt want to go to school without homework completed?

Maybe the problem is child stays up late becuase he and dad want more time togethor? If you live close so that driving not a big deal, maybe you could agree to say two weeknight dinner (and then return home before bed time), and then Friday night to Sunday before bed time?

I think you want to emphasize that good habits are formed at this age. That in junior high and high school a lot of absences are likely going to keep him off of athletic teams (Dad seem to care about that).

If Dad is saying that some of this is medical related (asthma), I think you need to discuss with doctor that Dad says condition is affecting school attendance, and get recommendation from Doctor, whether this is not likely, whether a change in medication is warranted.
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cawfecup
18 years ago
Ex wants to play hero to your son ... "saving him from school"

Who stays with him when he doesn't go to school? BM would say one of the kid's was too sick for school and drop them off here .... I called her up and said if they are that sick then you need to stay home with them or call their father to be with them for the day.... haven't missed another day since. And what if he is too sick for school on the day he is supposed to go to dad's do you call dad at 8 am and say he isn't going to school come get him?

With my own ... if they stayed home from school they stayed in the house no going outside to play at all and most of the day had to be spent in bed too sick for school can't do anything else ... my kids would go to school half dead because they wanted to go out afterschool and play with friends.

I don't know how sickly he gets ... but I tell my SC and BC that they get sick too often to just take days off when "they don't feel like it" ... toward the end of the year ... I let each one have a "day off" if they want one ... my SD 8 had perfect attendance ... We took her out to dinner to celebrate.

He is going to play hero ... unless his day is interuppted by the absence. Don't know if your relationship is cordial enough to have him brought back on sundays rather than the monday atleast you can avoid it once eow. The mid-week one will be difficult.

Start a "new rule" no school = no tv, no video games, earlier bedtime....or something he enjoys ... to deter him from wanting to stay home. So the day he stays home .... if he is at dad's he must stay with dad till 3:30 then come home to the "new rule". Should work by the second time he wants to stay home. I would also compare work to school ... school is his job. Just like his parents work because they need to not because they want to ... he needs to go to school.
vistajpdf
18 years ago
I agree w/ Cawfe. Most schools have specific 'sick' requirements - must be kept home for 24 hrs. after a fever subsides, etc. For those who push their kids to go to school when truly sick are just not willing to throw a wrench into their own schedules.

That's not what's going on. My son whines, too. Things change after K these days. The 'fun times' of school filled w/ play and crafts are largely over once elem. school starts. My second grader whines. I've tried both approaches: "Hug and sympathy" vs. "Let's go, we don't have time for this..." I think the latter nips it in the bud quicker but Dad isn't willing to take that slightly harsher route. A little sympathy is one thing, but to give in to a child for every whimper is irresponsible.

I'd bet bedtime is later at Dad's, preparation for school is more laid back or not happening, and son has a combo of feeling slightly poorly prepared and being overtired. I don't know about you, but my weekends w/ my 2nd grader aren't 'work free' as far as preparing for Mondays go. I've also heard that 3rd grade is much the same jump in curriculum found in 1st, so kids are a little whinier about going.

Get him home the night before school. Let him take him more on holidays, when there's a teacher's work day, etc. You don't need this aggravation and it's doing your son no service.

Dana
theotherside
18 years ago
I got the impression that if he stayed home, he would get to spend the day with his dad. Is this correct? Maybe he doesn't want to go to school because he would like to spend more time with his father (and it's not that he doesn't want to spend time with the OP, but he probably spends a lot more time with her anyway).

I think it is rather sad that a third grader doesn't want to go to school already, when the year has barely started. School is supposed to still be fun at that grade level, although anyone can get burned out by February, when it is cold and gray and a long time until spring (unless you live in Florida).
mom2emall
Original Author
18 years ago
In answer to your questions:

I do not literally mean my son will go to school unless he is dying, I just meant that I do not believe in "ditching". He needs to be sick to miss school. I do keep him in the house laying around when he takes off school.

His dad has dropped him off at home many mornings sick, and he just goes off to work no problem! I have always been the one who has to worry about babysitters and sicknesses. Just like this morning...then my dh and I are scrambling around figuring out what to do!

I called him up after he left and told him how horrible it was that he let my sons asthma get so bad. I told him that it is not good for our son to let it go that badly. I told him I will send a refill of his nebulizer treatments to his house in case this every happens again (I gave him a nebulizer a while ago to keep at his house in case of emergencies)

I would love to ban overnight visits on school nights, and it sounds like a wonderful idea. Only, I know he would not accept that idea and in our court papers he has scheduled visitation Fri-Mon EOW and one weeknight overnight a week. So, legally I can not take that away from him.
angelz921
18 years ago
Mom2emall- If it's court ordered then you should think about having a mediation with the courts. No way the courts are going to be "ok" with his behavior once a child's health is affected. My son had infant asthma which now 3 he doesn't have anymore, so I know exactly how bad it can be for a child and how horrible it makes you as a parent feel watching your child trying to breath. Courts systems at least in Florida have a very strict policy about non-custodial parents following medication guidelines. You have done your part, by giving him the necessary tools and medication to insure that he can give your son he treatments. You can always just tell him that if he can't give your son the treatments when they are needed you can always have the courts make him take class's on how to administer the medications and seeing the signs of asthma attacks. Lots of health centers offer classes to parents for children who require help in these area and I am sure as a man he would rather do it himself then go into a class and be told how to do it.

Besides doesn't he realize that your son can only miss so many days of school before they will force him to repeat the 3rd grade. You might want to get a school policy handbook and highlight all the areas that pertain to him and send it to him the next time your son goes over there. Making sure to point out sickness and missed school days.

why would an adult act like school in not important?

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theotherside

kkny

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why would an adult act like school in not important?

Comments (7)

theotherside

kkny

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cawfecup

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