You are sending them to school the morning after their mother died? Even if they don't hear about it in school, are they ever going to forgive their father or you for hiding that from them? How would you feel if you went about your merry way for an entire day while everyone else around you knew that your mother had died? What if they happen to make some negative comment about their mother during the day? They might feel guilty forever.

Nobody can tell you exactly what to do or say in this situation. What does your dh think?

If it were me I would tell them their mother died because she was taking drugs and drugs can kill people. I would also tell them it was an accident and that their mother loved them very much and will be watching them from heaven. I would definately take them to the wake and funeral so they can have some closure and see her one last time. And I would tell them that they can talk to us about this anytime they want and that it is okay to be sad and cry.

I would also contact their school and let the principal and teachers know what is going on after you have told your stepkids.

Oh and I am sorry for your stepkids and for you and your dh. And ignore TOS. In this time of grief the last thing you need is to deal with her bs! So skim through any replies for anything useful and ignore the criticism of people who are not in your shoes.

We can not tell them in the morning and keep them home because my husband HAS to go into work tomorrow and do some things so he can free up the rest of the week. This way he can stay home the rest of the week with the girls and be able to attend services. He can not tell them and then send them to school. And we both think that he needs to be home with them after he tells them. I could stay home tomorrow with them but I really think this would be a time where they really need their father. And what if he did tell them and then what he leaves for work and they cry and beg him to stay and are not ever able to forgive him for telling them this news and then leaving for work as if nothing happened? It is a rough situation.

NSM....First of all let me say how sorry I am. What ever history has passed between the adults here this is very sad news. I am very sorry for the kids. It is so good that they have a stable home with you and your DH.

Did the kids know any thing about her lifestyle? If they did I was thinking that you could work a little of that info into the explanation, but very little. I think I would hold the details back until they are older.

If I were to take them to the service it would just be the service not the wake. I would keep them out of things unless they showed the capability of being more visible to everyone. Were they close to their mom's side of the family? I would weigh the facts of their relationship with mom's family and the characters that make up the family before I would decide about how much unsupervised contact, if any, the kids would have with them. If you feel that mom's side of the family would be a good influence then it would be nice for them and the kids to have time together.

If you and DH have a religious back ground then that would come into play also. It sounds like mom, or least her family, are Catholic.

It's important that the kids know that she loved them and would never want to leave them even though you have stated that she had some problems.

My sd, who is 10, lost her mom to cancer at age 6. The family had her in counseling for a while afterwards. She is doing well. Her age at the time her mom died has a lot to do with that. She will enter different stages of grief as she goes through her life but she a happy and well adjusted little girl now.

I wish you and DH the best in this. I wish the kids the best also. So sad.

I certainly agree that he can not tell them and then send them to school. I think it would be far better to tell them first thing tomorrow morning, stay home with them, and then if he absolutely has to go to work, do so later in the week. How can anything he "has" to do at work be more important than his being there for the kids?

Whether or not they go to services should depend on what they want to do, and whether they are used to going to wakes and funerals. The only way I would ever go to a wake would be at gunpoint, but apparently a lot of Catholic and Episcopalian kids, etc., go to them all the time. If the wake involves an open casket, if I were their father I would not let them see their mother's body. I think it is far better to remember her alive.

Dear newstepmommy,
I am very sorry you and your family have experienced this tragedy. Your stepchildren are very lucky to have a caring stepmother in their lives. That said, they are faced with a very difficult journey.

Although this is not the same situation, my husband took an overdose of pain pills two years ago. My children (ages 3 & 9)and I were devastated. I read and researched and went to many counselors and support groups. All of them said it is best to tell the truth in an age appropriate manner. One thing that is important to know: They will most likely continue to ask the same questions over. It has been over two years and my son (now age 12) said again, "Mom, I don't really understand what happened to Dad." I have patiently explained many times and I do think he's finally beginning to understand (just in time for my 6 year old daughter to begin asking questions, by the way).

One thing to know is that children's grieving process is different from adults. They will often have extreme bouts of grief (you may be surprised by the intensity) and then just turn it off. It's almost like their brain tells them they need a break. Another thing to know is that they will experience grief throughout their lives at different stages...when they hit life changes such as adolescence, graduation, getting married, having their first baby, etc. Getting the children into counseling is a very good idea - it was very helpful for my son. My daughter was too young at the time, but I'm on the watch for concerning behaviors in case she needs it at some time as well.

As one of the other posters said, it's very important your stepchildren know their mother loved them dearly. I was very surprised to learn that my son felt guilty - I asked him if he ever felt guilty and he said yes because if he had been with his dad, he could have stopped him from taking the pills. Can you imagine? Open and loving communication is very important.

I also believe that giving children the option of attending the viewing and/or funeral is very important. It's important for children to have the opportunity to say goodbye in order to begin the grieving process.

Peace and healing to you and your family,
hope4future

I tend to agree about the open casket thing. I hate that at my age. I don't see it as closure for a young child. Do you have a really good picture of them with her? Make sure they have that available to them if you do. I'd substitute that for a wake and the viewing.

I think they should attend the funeral. You don't have to make them go but guide them gently in that direction. Instead of giving them the option of going or not, ask them how they feel. If they have never attended a funeral service before, try to explain as best you can and be honest. Then ask them how they feel. If they lean toward not going (most likely out of fear of the unknown), try to gently persuade them it will be sad but they could easily regret not going when they are older, which they will. Don't make them but guide them in that direction.

Their father and you may or may not want to tell them she died from an accidental overdose of drugs. Her abuse might be something you have shielded from them. I don't really think anyone can advise that you tell them or don't tell them. If you and he prefer not to tell them, then use the coroner's report to explain what happened. Rather than just say "drug overdose," it is most likely he will write the reaction/affect the overdose had, for example stopped the heart. So you can say she died of heart failure. You won't be lying, but also won't have to override your better judgment that prompted your reasons for not wanting them to know about the drugs.

My condolences to the children and the family.

My condolences...

There is no right answer. If you send them to school and tell them after, I would not call the school to let the school know. If the kids don't know and school officials do, it's possible that they might treat the kids in a way that could confuse them. It might be confusing for them to wonder why people are looking at them with sadness or talking sympathetically if they have no idea anything has happened. I sort of agree that if they can be kept home, it would probably be best. Perhaps you could take the day off and take them somewhere until dad gets home from work, then he can tell them. Just a thought.

Also, if they do go to school, you might consider calling a grief counselor to talk with them within the next few days or week. (or even to get advice on how to break it to them beforehand)

As for telling them how she died and attending services, those are also personal choices and a counselor might be better suited to advise than this forum. I had a difficult time believing my cousin was dead until I actually saw her body. I was 14 and she was 24 and had been murdered. Seeing her made it real for me and if I hadn't seen her, I might have kept trying to convince myself they made a mistake and it wasn't really her. Yes, I think it's important to remember people as they were in life, but part of the grieving process is accepting and it's hard to do if you are shielded from the funeral/wake/viewing, etc. Again, it's a personal decision and whatever you and DH decide on, I'm sure it will be with the kids' best interest at heart.

Good luck.

Oh Dear how awful.

As far as when to tell them, just use your good judgement. If there is anyway they might hear about it at school I would tell them in the am and keep them home. I just wouldn't want to chance them hearing it from a third party.

Even if Dad has to go in for a few hours later in the day when things calm down. I'm sure any employer would be very understanding.

As far as the funeral & wake stuff, don't know what to tell you there. My dad died when I was 15 and I unfortunately have the picture of him in the casket burned into my brain now.

I thought the funeral and wake was awful, it was a huge affair. Typical irish/catholic wake so lots of drinking, eating, visiting for a very long time, lots of people when I really just wanted to be alone.

At that age I didn't understand the purpose of a wake as I do now. The family getting together, reminiscing and tellingg stories and memories about the departed, reconnecting and sharing etc.. it is a sign of respect in some cultures and in my family but kids, especially young ones just don't always understand. It's a tough call really, go with your gut..if they attendand it seems like they are uncomfortable, withdrawing or it is too traumatic then just take them home. I would not push or encourage them to look into the open casket. Explain the body is just the shell that held their moms spirit until she went to heaven, it's not her, but she is watching over them now as their angel or something like that. While I think it's important to be honest I also think being too detailed can be traumatic.

I would probably spare the kids the gory details of the drug overdose unless they really asked pointed questions. They probably will later. I feel so sad for them and your family.

Might be a good time to get a grief couselor lined up for them and ask their advise on how to handle.

I'm so sorry for their & your loss :0(

~Cat

Oh geez you are living what my husband and I fear the most. I am so so sorry. Our girls bio mother has not only accidentally overdosed multiple times and been hospitilized but has also gone as far as to actually shoot herself. She somehow has managed to survive all the incidents but we dread the call when she finally doesn't pull out of a stunt.

There is no right or wrong way to deal with this. You and your husband know the children and their personalities. You know what they can and can not handle. Base how much you tell them about the death on what you feel they are capable at handling at this point. You may find they can handle the details better when they are a little older. You might feel it best to tell them now.

Dad deffinatly needs to be home with the kids after he tells them. I would think work would understand that his childrens mother is dead and he needs to be their for them for heaven sakes! If not I would be switching jobs but that's just me.

The kid's are going to need loads of support from you both. They will be in my thoughts. Best wishes and be strong.

I think that telling them that she died of an accidental drug overdose is fine (and true). The ten year old may already have had classes on drugs (that doesn't sound right but you know what I mean) at school. I would be worried that if you told them she died of heart failure, that they would worry that something inherited might be wrong with their hearts and they they are going to die young.

What a tragic event for the entire family, including you and the tough decisions you will have to face.

In general I would refrain from making decisions for the kids about how they deal with their own grief. In other words, make every aspect of the funeral & wake, etc. as open an option for them as possible, for them to take or leave as the moment and their feelings suit them. They will "shield" themselves or avoid certain aspects of it as they see fit, just based on what they will naturally avoid or run from if a given thing proves too much for them in that moment. I personally agree that open casket is creepy but I also understand where others might desperately crave seeing the face of their loved one one last time. Obviously that's a decision that has to be "either/or", they can't just be opening and closing caskets left and right, so in that case I would just let her family decide that particular matter. But in general, kids can often take more reality than we give them credit for if that reality is openly and honestly approached. I also think that if somewhere down the road they feel anger at the world and their parents (which, let's face it, they are likely to have at soem point given all the circumstances they have already dealt with), you absolutely would not want to hear coming back at you: "You kept us from our mother's funeral and so we never got to fully say goodbye to her!" Someone should be available all throughtout all the funeral events to be able to take the kids immediately away from the scene if they feel like bolting from it, on a dime. They will at least be able to grow up knowing that they had the choice, one way or the other.

As to whether or not to tell them how she died, boy that's a tough one. On the one hand, of course, that's a hard fact to hear and to know. On the other hand, it is the truth. On the one hand, they might be better equipped to understand and process it when they are older; on the other hand, depending on where you live, it could become the town gossip and they could find out third-hand next week and THAT would SUCK. On the one hand, the awareness of the reality that their mother was an addict is one of those things that can leave a deep scar of insecurity; on the other hand, the death of a parent can anyway, on its own, already. On the one hand, they might be able to enjoy a more innocent undisrupted childhood if they think it was a more "innocent" manner of death; on the other hand, their childhood has already been quite disrupted anyway. On the one hand, the adults in their world may be presuming they don't know about the drugs already; on the other hand, kids often know a lot more than adults think they know. On the one hand, they may grow up thinking their Dad and SM were defaming their mother's character by telling them she died of an overdose; on the other hand, they may grow up profoundly appreciative of their Dad & SM's honesty about it and take it as a model to be open and honest about things no matter how difficult.

It's a really tough call, but I'm inclined to err on the side of not shielding them. Maybe it's best, like others have suggested, to let them ask all the questions. If the literal, technical cause of death was a heart attack, you can tell them that without having to add "...brought on by drug overdose" unless/until they specifically ask "were drugs involved?". But, as TOS points out, it would be crucial to clarify in every way possible that there is absolutely no scientific reason for them to fear that they have inherited any likelihood of dying in this way. probably having a doctor tell them this would be best.

My heart goes out to these children. I lost my father, natural causes, when I was 11. He did have an open casket and to this day I think it was a good thing. Otherwise I would always been hoping that he had run away, and some day I would find him. Another friend of mine lost her father at the same time (I know wierd) when he was lost as sea. She was always hoping he would turn up. When my siblings and I talk now, we agree that my Dad had a lot of habits (smoked, red meat) that we dident know at the time how dangerous they could be.

I'm not sure it is a good idea to tell them how she died right now. They are still pretty young and will already have a lot of grief to process. Eventually when they are a little older they would be able to understand it and would have only one painful piece of info to process.

"If they lean toward not going (most likely out of fear of the unknown), try to gently persuade them it will be sad but they could easily regret not going when they are older, which they will."

I agree with Thermometer on this one. I bet they would regret not attending when they get older. I wonder if they really need to be involved in all the family stuff, though. Since their father is not related to their mother's family anymore, this may be a good way to give them some time away from all of the stories and stuff, like Catlettuce said. That way they don't have to hear all the "Oh, you poor babies!" and stuff like that.

I was looking back at other stuff you posted trying to get a glimpse of the dynamics of the kids' relationship with their mother was. Does she have other kids that she had custody of? Was she married?

I really feel for you and your family in this time. It's so hard to explain what all of this means! I guess one thing that should get them through this is that they won't have to change homes or schools. And I definitely recommend getting them someone unbiased they can talk to. Maybe even a support group for children with parents who have passed away.

I would say that telling them right away how their mom died is probably not a great idea. I would tell them only if they ask. My DS is 10 and I was trying to think of how I would tell him if I was in your position. I think that I would just tell them that their mom passed away and then leave it open for them to ask questions.

I didnt read through all of the responses because it seems you already got some good advice. I did want to weigh in on the funeral and wake... my grandfather recently died and my kids hugely benefited from seeing the body at the viewing and then closed at the funeral. It was more real to them and they were able to comprehend it more so than with their grandfather who was cremated and didnt have a service or viewing. It opened up the door for a lot of questions about death and what not. It was hard but I answered them honestly with things like I believe this and that. My oldest didnt want to go the funeral at first and I told him it was his decision but I also told him I felt it would be good to go and that it would mean alot to Granny and myself but I also told him no one would be mad or upset if he didnt want to go and that he could change his mind at the last minute if he needed to. He decided to go. But, overall it was a good experiance for them and offered closure. The more difficult part is the random questions and sadness weaks later.. (and the fact that this brought up my daughters father's suicide) But open honest age appropriate honesty seems to be the key.

"I think that I would just tell them that their mom passed away and then leave it open for them to ask questions."

I think the above is excellent advice..let the children direct where the conversation goes...but I would be prepared to answer some tough questions (I cant figure where my 10 yr old gets some of hers!)

I would also tell the children that the funeral is such and such a day and we will go with you....see how they respond...if you get a "I dont wana go" then deal with it at that point, the children very well may not give that response, they may automatically want to go...
I do hope you all have had a chance to sit down and tell the kids, I would hate to think of a kid trying to call his/her mom on the phone and someone else answer and tell them the news...

I do hope all went as well as possible under the sad circumstances. Keeping your family in my thoughts & prayers today.

~Cat

I don't have a lot to add, just wanted you to know you are all in my thoughts. . .

My heart goes out to the kids and to you and DH as well. BM in our case nearly overdosed while my stepchildren were visiting for the summer. My SD, knowing what BM had been up to, called a family member in another state rather than calling us. They knew we would be right there to get them if we had known.

Thoughts and prayers going out to your stepbabies now...

Just wanted to let you all know we did tell the kids when they came home from school the following day. They cried of course and we talked and talked and talked. They both wanted to go to the wake and funeral. We did the wake yesterday and the funeral today. They have been crying and talking about good times with their mom. And they have seen a lot of their moms family that they have not seen in ages. They are holding up well. I however am a mess. I am just so sad for them you know. Thanks for all your support.

newstepmommy.....Bless your heart for being there for the kids. You are doing a wonderful thing. They will be so thankful for your loving support. I imagine that you feel like you've been hit by a truck. Let them know that people that don't even know them are praying for them. I could weep for these little babies. Life is so hard sometimes. You and DH and kids take care.

Awe! My heart breaks for them! But the fact that they wanted to go to the wake and the funeral is very positive. It shows they are open to closure (if that makes sense) and are greiving in a healthy way. And it's good for them to be able to show their sadness. Talking about good times with their mom is also wonderful. From what you said, they are handling the news as normally as they can.

Here's an article I found on About.com that may help:

http://singleparents.about.com/od/communicatingwiththekids/a/stages_of_grief.htm

I'm sorry to hear about what has happened to your children. My thoughts are with you and your family.

My only advice is that you and their dad do some reading on motherloss. My mom died when I was 16 and I have found that most people (my dad included) do not understand what it is to lose your mother at a young age. Motherloss is different for everyone, but there are certain feelings, qualities and trends in orphaned kids that are not found in other kids, and we don't always understand what is is that "makes us different"...
The more educated your and DH are about motherloss, the more support you can offer to the kids.
Good luck.

My condolences to you andyour husband and for both your kids on their loss. It was a good thing they went to the funeral. Good closure. I was 11 when i lost my mother and i also went to the funeral open casket.
Hang in there , be strong for them. I had tons of pics of my mom and spoke alot about her.
Be there for them , talk to them, let them cry it out whenever and wherever. Take them to their moms grave site so they can plant flowers. My family did this for me and i think that helped me alot.