mom2emall, it's really just one poster making that negative comment, and she is still pretty bitter about the break-up of her marriage and her ex-husband's OW. I do so worry about her 15 yo DD. It must be hard to have to live with that on a daily basis.

I guess it all depends on who you talk to.

I have found that the reason that having a blended family can be hard at times has nothing to do with what goes on in our household but has everything to do with his vindictive ex (who ended the marriage) but she couldn't stand the fact that he got over her and has a wonderful marriage now. She knows we don't fight and we are happy because she loves to quiz my stepkids. She is the only problem we have and we have extinguished that fire some by not allowing her to get away with anything.

I know sometimes the stepkids have problems accepting their parents remarrying but we are blessed that ours have all accepted it well and that we don't have alot of problems. We are not without problems but what family is ever problem free. Right now the kid giving us the most trouble is my 18 year old daughter. I am so thankful to my husband for being so patient and helping me through this.

In my opinion I don't see why somebody should deny themselves the opportunity for happiness. I know for my husband and I we were both young and naive in our first marriages and sometimes as people mature they grow apart. We had maturity on our side this time and the knowledge of knowing that marriage doesn't change a person, you get the same person you married and if you don't like it and can't live with them every day for the rest of your life then don't do it. We knew we had found what we wanted in each other. We are thankful for the good that came out of our previous marriages....our kids.

The only thing I would change if I could is the bitterness from his ex. I wish she oould find the same happiness that we have found so that she would concentrate on that instead of trying to make everyone else she knows as miserable as she is. We just don't let her because we have the power to control how we feel. It's not always easy but whatever grief she may sometimes bring I can tell you that my husband and kids are worth it.

Tamar,

pls dont worry about my DD. Any financial issues or drop off issues are discussed between me and X, via email. DD hears nothing. I do not discuss X with her. What this board helps me with is seeing the other side.

Most 15 years olds are not interested in mom's life. What she sees is me going to work every day, me going to civic meetings, me doing housework, me talking on phone with friends and family (with the whine, Mom, when are you getting off the phone) and me going out with freinds occassionally.

I am sure part of it is because I notice it more than I did when our family was intact, but everywhere I go I hear about stepfamily issues. The other day I was in Home Depot when I heard someone (from about 20 feet away - I think he was a bit upset), telling a cashier about his crazy stepmother. I have a couple of co-workers who make it clear that they are not at all fond of their parent's new spouses. They almost never refer to them as a stepmother or stepfather, but rather "my father's wife," or "my mother's husband."

I can say that after 17 years of marriage to my current husband and our clan: 3 of his, 1 of mine, 2 of ours - I couldn't be happier. He also has a very unhappy ex, but that has never gotten in the way of our happy family.

My husband is a great person and provider. I have never met a better father. I am so grateful we found each other after we each had unhappy first marriages. If we all stopped looking for a new partner after divorce just because we had children, I truly feel that would be a tragedy.

We have had to deal with issues through all these years, but we have done it together as a couple. We decided very quickly after our wedding that we would first be a couple, then we were parents. The other helpful decision was that I would not try to be a mother to his three children, just a step-mother and friend. There is a big difference.

It has been a great 17 years, and I look forward to the next many years to come.

Sappy but honest:):)

I think if you look at the hindsight thread, you will see many negative comments re marrying someone with children. One time I remember my mother telling my brother not to date a woman with children because if she was a good woman, the children would always come first; and if she wasnt, it didnt matter. I didnt really understand that then, but I do now.

KKNY: I think that many marriages without children first end. A lot of the women on here have been divorced (you included!).

A good mother can put her child first AND have a successful marriage. I do not think that my remarriage has hurt my son in any way. In fact he gained siblings (which he had often asked me to have for him when he was younger!). He also gained another caring adult who loves him (my dh). He has learned to share and comprimise, which was hard to teach when he was an only child. So I do not see the negative. My son is happy and I am very happy with my dh. Someday your dd will move out and you will be an old spinster. ENJOY!

I am glad all is well in your family. As to my being an old spinster, that may happen. I try to focus on community, civic and work responsiblities, in addition to DD. Yes, she will move out. I hope the lesson to my DD is that I can be complete with or without a man.

I do think that it is important for girls especially to realize that they do not need a man in their lives to be happy. I see too many girls who get into horrible relationships and stick it out because they think it is better than being alone.

But, I do think that kids need to see healthy adult relationships and marriages to see what they should be like. If she never sees one how will she know what to expect? I just do not think that it is necessary for a single parent to close the door to ever getting married again.

This is ironic my Sd and I had a very odd conversation this weekend...

Just recently we moved into a new house... and my SD was talking to me about how excited she is to have a new house and new room and so on and so on ...

and she made a comment about 'something to the extent of' Im glad that my mom lives in a new house now too... (SD is referring to bf that mom is living with although according to mom she doesnt live there... anyways) The conversation went on about how she really wanted her mom to get a new place before so, she wouldnt have to live with granny (mom's mom) I said something to the extent of ... I am pretty sure your mom was talking about moving at one time or another... Anyways.. point is SD said ... well mom couldnt move because she didnt have a boyfriend...

This just got me... I went on and on with SD about how you dont need a boyfriend or a husband to live on your own... I pointed out that when she met me I didnt have a BF or husband and I had my own apartment that she loved... (my daughter lucked out in that apartment and had a huge bedroom)... I told her, as far as I was concerned she was the smartest girl in the world and therefore can do anything she wants with NO ONE else's help least of all a bf ... I told her bf and husbands are there to love and cherish and make you smile but there are lot's of other things in this world that can do the same thing... bf's do not support you...You are a smart girl who will be an incredibly intelligent young woman who can do anything she wants...

I was just so baffeled by this statement... where did this idea and attitude come from... later sd said to her dad that when she grows up she just wants to sit at home and her bf can go to work... Ofcourse, I went on another speech with examples and what ifs and so on about being independent.

Anyways, my point is ... it is absolutely important for young girls to realize they do not need a man to accomplish things and to make their lives complete... and it's important to realize that it is so easy for girls to get these ideas in their heads

That being said... I dont think that means anyone.. no matter what their situation is should necessarily shut out the possibility of any positive relationships..

I think it's possible to have a happy marriage and to have a great family life. I think that if both parties agree on what comes first -- marriage or kids -- and stick to it, everything will work out. It's when one party thinks the marriage comes first and the other party thinks the kids come first that things get messy.

Mom of 4 -- It doesn't surprise me that your sd has that attitude. For a role model, she has a BM who sits on her butt and lives off other people!

"But, I do think that kids need to see healthy adult relationships and marriages to see what they should be like. If she never sees one how will she know what to expect?"

There is no way to know what to expect. I thought my marriage was a good one; my kids thought so too; even my husband told other people not long before he left that his family was the most important thing in the world to him. Then, practically overnight, by his own admission he no longer cared about anything that had been important to him, and apparently that included, to some extent, his children.

I believe it would be irresponsible to risk remarriage when it could disappear virtually overnight - especially since there would be blended family issues to contend with, making everything more difficult under the best of circumstances. I would not do that to my children. They don't need the added stress or complications, nor do I.

I am very happily remarried with stepchildren. Yes, my stepsons have in the past (even recent past) caused us heartache and worry. Not to mention aggrevation, frustration, and plenty of stress. But my stepsons, as well as my DH, have also brought great joy in my life. When my SS20 has a break from college, and wants to stay at home with me and his younger siblings (both step and half), despite the fact he could be off with his friends in Mexico and that his dad is not home due to work, that brings me joy. When he left me a voicemail on mother's day wishing me a good day and telling me he loves me, that brings me joy. When SS17 tells me he's glad we will have the chance to work on our relationship so that it can be like it was when he was younger, before all the rebellion and drug use, that brings me joy. When my two stepsons, two dear daughters, and one five year old dear son go to each other's hockey games, soccer games, lacrosse matches and horse shows to cheer each other on, that brings me joy (and trust me, it's not all fun to sit through some of these events). When I see all 5 of my kids, ages 5 to 20, hanging out together in the swimming pool, just goofing around like brothers and sisters, that brings me great joy.

And, of course, I really love my husband. I feel adored by him, and he has told me that it's only now, in the middle of his life, that he understands what great love and commitment are. Neither of us had that previously.

I would definitely do it again.

My father married my mother, a mother of 1. My brother married a single mom. I married my husband, father of 3. Many years after my mother's death, my father remarried a mother of 4 (btw, I refer to her as my father's wife absolutely not because I don't like her but simply because she entered my life, family-wise, when I was already an adult). I was happy growing up; my brother has a happy marriage; my father is also happily remarried; last, but not least, I am happily married. I don't think it's even a matter of who you put first, couple or kids, I think it's a matter of having solid, common, and consistent family values. In my far from traditional family, what holds all of us together is the fact that for us family comes first.

Our biggest cross? Yes, by now you can chant it with me, it's the vindictive ex (oddly enough, also my brother has problems with his wife's ex).

MomOf4, I betcha your step-daughter is going to sing a very different tune in a few years... You can also tell here that there is no such thing as a woman sitting on her butt at home (unless she is absolutely a slob): there is always something to do, even more so when you're a mama!!! :o) (and here I am referring to the laundry that never ends or the dishwasher that is full again after having just emptied it.... LOL)

Tamar,
I thought I had love, commitment, a strong marriage. I thought my kids had a father who adored them. It doesn't matter if you love your spouse and vice versa, or if you're committed to your spouse and to your family. Just as your SS had a breakdown and ended up in a mental health facility, the same thing can happen to adults, even without drugs or alcohol, and there is no way to force an adult into accepting mental health treatment unless he is a danger to himself or others. There is no way to prevent an adult from self-medicating with an affair or with alcohol (the latter is not an issue with my exH), burning all his bridges and tearing apart the lives of his whole family. Why would I risk that again? After reading here, where most of the SM's said they would not do it over again, I am even more certain that remarriage involves a huge risk and a very small potential for gain. I would be better off playing the lottery.

***somtimes the greatest risk has the greatest reward***

there is never anything wrong with taking a chance and believing in something good and powerful and wonderful... and sometimes it makes it all the more perfect because of the pain you felt in the past...

TOS, life is full of risk. A dear friend of mine lost her DS12 last year to complications from leukemia. He had been in remission for almost 5 years, then suffered a recurrence. I can't imagine anything more painful than the death of a young child. Should she not have given birth to him to escape the risk of outliving him? No, of course not. He brought her, and everyone else who knew him, great joy and now fond memories.

If half of all first marriages end in divorce, should no one risk getting married?

If you're not taking risks, you're not living. Obviously, there are ways to minimize risk. Not remarrying is one of them. But you may miss out on something extraordinary. The best way to minimize risk in remarriage is to choose wisely, and not bite off more than you can chew. (Probably the best way to minimize risk in a first marriage, as well.)

Most of the SMs on this board might not do it again, but there are many more stepmoms out there who would. I'm sure there are at least a few stepmoms out there whose blended family situations are working out well, so they are not on this board, because they are not looking for advice, support, or a sanity check.

Even if DH went nuts tomorrow and left me and our family for another woman, it would still have been worth it. I have grown tremendouly in the time we have been together, becoming both a better partnter and a better person. I have learned things about myself as a parent, and have been amazed at what I have been able to do as a stepmom. Plus, I have a wonderful little boy I wouldn't trade for the world. (All my other kids would feel the same about their little brother.)

There is often something wrong with taking a risk. Even something as simple as going to a concert you really want to go to - if you have to drive in a blizzard, it would not make sense to go.

Some things are just not worth the risk. If I were, say, 48, I wouldn't choose to have a baby, because the risk of serious birth defects would be too great. I doubt if very many people here would choose to marry someone who had been married 10 times before, no matter how much they loved him. Actually most sensible people would hesitate to date him.

What if your friend had known her child would have a 75% chance of dying of something like Tay-Sachs disease. Would you fault her for choosing not to conceive, because the risk was too great?

I don't personally know of any children in blended families in real life who are better off because their parent(s) remarried.

In my case, doing a risk analysis led to the conclusion that remarrying, especially while I had children at home, would be unwise.

I dont think TOS ever advised against any remarriage. What I said, and I think what she said, is that when children are teenagers, a caring and prudent person will wait a couple of years.

"I don't personally know of any children in blended families in real life who are better off because their parent(s) remarried."

As arrogant as it may sound I believe my stepdaughters are 'better off' because their father remarried. Actually, they have candidly stated as much. No, it's not the same as an intact family, however, they gained in me an additional person who absolutely loves and adores them.

TOS, regarding risk and birth defects, that particular friend is not Jewish, so the chances of a Tay-Sachs baby would have been extremely slim. However, I do know a couple who both carry the gene, so they opted to adopt their children. I don't have to state how risky that can be - a birth mom who changes her mind at the 11th hour, an unknown birth dad who shows up years after the adoption, unknown medical histories, kids rejecting their adoptive parents in the future to go find their birth parents, etc. Jeez - these people must be crazy! Why would they want to take those kinds of risks? I'm going to bet it's because they realize the risks are worth it. Just like marriage. Just like re-marriage.

I know lots of children in blended families who are better off because their parents remarried. My own family included. My two DDs are better off, no question, even more so than if I had stayed in an intact marriage with their BioDad. I have absolutely no doubt about that. My two SSs are also better off that both of their parents remarried. Can you imagine where they would be right now if mom had remained single and oblivious to their drug and alcohol use, while dad continued to commute to his job in NY? Their mom is happier now that she has a new husband, and that makes her a nicer person to be around. Their dad is happier being married to me, and I am, in my DH's own words and with agreement from BioMom, the only adult who acted like a parent, providing structure and rules (and everything else kids hate).

And, of course, DS5 is way better off that his parents remarried.

"Most 15 years olds are not interested in mom's life."
"...when children are teenagers, a caring and prudent person will wait a couple of years."

For what? Sounds rather dumb to me because once they hit the age of 18, they go off to college and once again, the parent is left alone by the child who wasn't interested in their mom's life just as they weren't when they were 15. Then they graduate from college at the age of 21 and go off on their own and marry so there is little time left for the mother that they weren't interested in when they were 15. Being a caring and prudent parent, the mother shouldn't be too interested in insinuating herself into the new marriage. Then come the grandkids and same thing occurs again....no time left for mom.

When the child is in college, he or she wont be interfacing with step parent on a regular basis. Same as when they off on their own married. Different from high school, when most kids stay at home.

Well life is full of risks. Childbirth was a minimal risk for all of us. First marriages were a risk we all took. Getting in your car everyday to go to work can be a risk. Riding a train or plane can be a risk. Eating junk food can pose a health risk. Breathing can now be risky!

So, I guess we should all live in a bubble, inside our houses, without any family! (other people may pass on colds and diseases--that could be a risk!)

The point is that there are different levels of risk, and different levels of potential benefit. Childbirth is not a large risk anymore, though it was a couple of hundred years ago. Even a couple of hundred years ago, the benefits outweighed the risk for most people, because the alternative was not passing on your genes.

After reading this board, and also after talking with people in real life who are/have stepchildren, I have come to the conclusion that remarriage with kids at home presents a huge risk of misery and only a small potential for benefits, especially for the children.