What can I say--I feel you pain. My MIL has been with us for a little over a year now. I have recently quit my job of 9 years to stay home with her. She is 85 and her mobility is not good, confused on a daily basis, short term memory is bad and right now trying to keep her dressed seems to be the new thing with her. All in all she is a joy--pleasant and loveable but a real handfull sometimes. She stayed alone while my DH and I worked for nearly a year. I lived in fear that she would fall or get hurt while we were gone. We came home and found the house full of smoke and we knew we were really pushing our luck with this. She (for some reason) filled a skillet full of oil, placed it on the stove, turned it on and walked into the other room and forgot it. She didn't even see the smoke. She apparently fell asleep cause she said a loud noise woke her up--smoke alarms. And she still didn't notice the smoke. We came in just in the nick of time. I didn't go back to work. The first week I was home with her I was amazed at how good she was at "hiding" her confusion. Somedays she shines like a little star but others not so good and we are having a lot more not so good right now. I'm really suprised she didn't get hurt--we were so lucky. I REALLY miss going to dinner and running to the store or just going somewhere. It seems like my life revolves around how she is today. I miss doing things with just my husband or daughter. We sort of do shifts--one of us stays with her so the other can get out for a while. Like you we couldn't get any straight answers about the legalitys of leaving her home alone--and still can't . I guess we just have to go with our judgment with this. I keep telling myself how wonderful she's been to me through the years and how I"ll be in that shape one day. It's not easy.

Okay. Believe whatever you want, everyone. This is the only place that a person like myself can even post about these issues without being called a bed-warmer and being told to leave and/or being otherwise insulted. Many of you act as if people don't divorce because they just can't stand each other anymore. IF there was abuse, I could reasonably argue that BM dished it out as much as she accused. Why did take so long to Fiance to get his requirements finished? Well, please don't think for ONE moment that I haven't been UP his a$$ asking him why he waited so long. I've said all the same things to him that you've said to me. For one, he never even saw a copy of divorce decree before getting it from the courthouse himself in December. He had to pay them to fax him a copy. BM swears upon all that is holy, that he signed for and received the papers and that she has copies of his signature(s), but then she refuses to produce them for him. This is usually something she brings up when she wants extra money from him (the last time, it was over the fence that she wanted him to pay for). December '07 is when he learned the specifics of what was required of him. And he's finished those requirements. He was already paying his child support and he kept the same job so the kids were already staying covered for health insurance. Why didn't he do something LEGALLY back then? Well, I completely agree it wasn't smart of him to be so ignorant of his situation. She left him and took his kids without any warning and he was feeling very sorry for himself. He was a WRECK. I've heard it from him and from his friends. He wasn't happy with BM, but his kids were his world. But the biggest reason is this: until he and I got serious, he already had them at his house, every other weekend, and often more than that. It wasn't until she had issues with that and went back on her word that he stopped being able to have them at his own house. In fact, before I came along, she'd talked about giving him legal rights for visitation in court, because she was already bring them over all the time. In short, he didn't go to court because at the time he didn't have to. Stupid, but true. In addition, many divorced men talk about feeling utterly helpless, and feeling like maybe it would be easier on the kids to just move on. Fiance didn't move on, but he thought about it. Men are mostly powerless in custody issues; that's just the truth. There is not a day that both of us don't wish he'd fought this from the beginning. He was ignorant. fiveinall, I find it hard to believe it's so difficult to see that an abuse accusation was the PERFECT out for BM. It ensured her complete control over the situation and now she had a meal ticket until the kids turn 18. It made everyone feel sorry for her and rally around her. No one who knew fiance fell for this, however. This happens ALL the time. I'm not sure what's so hard to believe about that. She wanted out, but was probably afraid of how she'd support herself. If she wrote about exactly how the baby blacked his eye, and didn't change her story until 5 months after she left, well, come on. She's lying. My guess is that she doesn't realize that the entry about that is publicly viewable. Why on earth would she describe it in such detail if it didn't happen? And maybe you're not familiar with walkers that have built-in toys all over them. But I've seen the actual walker in their garage. If he was throwing a little tantrum, and he threw his head around the way he still does, it doesn't surprise me in the least that he'd get bruises. So how does this not add up?? And I will mention, again, that he was 4 or 5 months old when she left. She's written both ages at different times. He was not "a couple of months old at best". Someone mentioned that it sounded like she'd had a job at some point. Yep, 10 whole hours a week at a pizza place. She didn't start school until last year. Someone please explain to me how it's so unbelievable that they didn't have sex much until she wanted another baby?? That was one of *my* biggest complaints in my last relationship. We didn't even have kids! Happens. all. the. time. And no, we didn't cheat on each other. I finally picked up and moved on. TOS (and a few others), you take it upon yourself to be very condescending. Concern for me is one thing, but maybe you could respect that not everyone is an idiot. Fiance made close to $15 per hour, and still does, not that it matters. And he didn't have time to worry about finishing school. He had two people to support, and then 2 more. Providing became his #1 priority. BM didn't even make it through one semester without flunking. I wasn't good in college when I was younger, either. You seem to be judging my fiance by what he earns, which is pretty crappy, and a really good way to keep people from hearing the good points you might make. By the way, I'm well aware that one might see my distaste for BM's laziness as a projection about my own mother. I don't really care. It was reprehensible then, and it's reprehensible now not to pay attention to one's kids. It was evident at the party Saturday that someone was up and about unsupervised again. He had red stains all over his face that I'm guess was makeup, but could also be markers. That's one thing, but they were *this close* to losing their son numerous times for not watching him! That should make anyone angry. Finedreams, please look up retinopathy of prematurity. Fiance can only see very near to him. He can't even read license plates that are right in front of us. Also - he's not settling for unsupervised visitation! That's why he's hiring a lawyer! That's why he's starting a 2nd job today! People are so paranoid here sometimes that they don't notice things that I've already made very clear... It's rather frustrating to go through this and then to have to repeat myself like I'm on trial. Ages! Dates! Could my fiance be lying to me about his vision? Jesus! And finally, can we please get over my screen name? It was the most general thing I could come with off the top of my head. I'm not naive. There's a reason I'm not married already. That's why I'm HERE. I'm not making any decisions or rushing into marriage AT LEAST until he gets his visitation worked out. Having to defend myself though, as a child of divorce myself, against being completely clueless about how all this works, is hurting more than it's helping. Hook line and sinker? PLEASE. That's rude, and not remotely necessary. So I'm going to bow out of here now. Thanks to everyone for their comments. Hope everything works out.

I think it just depends on what BM were to tell Legal Aid; they might feel inclined to help a poor innocent mother whose mean ex just withheld all visits to her children. This is very similar to what we are going through right now. DH was attempting to hold BM to some kind of schedule, and end the random show-ups/no-shows - she was unhappy with this and now we're on the temp order heading for the modification. (And yes, she did go to Legal Aid - they gave her advice but did not send a lawyer with her as of yet.) BM was not remotely concerned about CS; first, because it's a completely different issue than visitation and apparently she didn't think that DH would really file for it, and secondly, because she's on unemployment/welfare and was absolutely convinced that she would not have to pay anything. She found out otherwise. Mom2emall, we've researched and researched on this. There is just almost no way to prevent horrible parents from seeing their children (unsupervised) unless they are a serious danger to their kids. Emotional abuse is a danger, but it has to be to the point where the child starts stuttering or wetting the bed or such before it is "serious" enough to matter. For all the blather about the "best interests of the child" I've seen very little which makes me think anyone in the court gives a *#&$# about SS' best interests, at least until he's mature enough/fed up enough to speak up for himself in proceedings. Over and over it seems like it's assumed that all parents are exemplary until proven otherwise - fine in most cases, but how many times does one have to prove that the same parent is still a piece of human garbage? I keep hoping that there is some magical solution; that if I look hard enough and long enough that I will find some obscure piece of law which will solve everything and BM will only see SS at the counselors' until she is cleared to be an adequate parent or something. But I don't think it's going to happen. I think BM will continue to screw around with SS' life and we will continue to put the pieces back together. I fear that you may be in the same boat.

I do think that it goes back to childhood abuse, & that the reason it's so common is that abuse is so common. My friend's sister (Mary)is the older child, my friend (Susan) is the younger one. Susan has told me: their mom tried suicide a number of times. Mary started getting pregnant at *13*, & this was back in the 1960's. Mary "hated" her mom & wanted her dad to marry her. Her dad coerced her mom to accompany him when he tied Mary up & took her to a back-street abortionist. The mother had to hold Mary down until the drugs took effect, Mary screaming hysterically the whole time. *The dad was the calm in the center of the storm*, at that time & forever after. (Remember what I said about the only calm one in a family of hysterics? *That's the guy who's in control.*) I'd bet money that that dad was the father of that first pregnancy, & that he'd been sexually abusing Mary long before she was old enough to conceive. Yet, Susan refuses to consider that it isn't all Mary's fault; Susan worships her dad, feels that her mom was a tragic & flawed person, & blames Mary for the chaos & misery in Mary's own life & the chaos & misery she's dealt to everyone in her circle. & Mary, like my mother, *has* dealt a great deal of misery; Mary's daughters are in professions such as stripping. she often threatens to "take custody" of her grandchildren. she's befriended one pregnant girl after another for years & years, trying to coerce them into giving their babies to her. she's had many many pets, but she always exchanges an adult pet for a new "baby". & she never never never let go of the desire to have her father love her. Mind you, she's a holy terror, & I'm afraid of her. but she's been wronged & damaged to a devastating degree, *& nobody will acknowledge it*. Susan, like so many younger children in abusive families, just doesn't see it. They aren't "supposed to", & they aren't inclined to, because acknowledging that the victim doesn't deserve ill treatment means that they could be ill-treated, too. My brother is like that. He severed communication with me & our other brother years ago - thank goodness, because all he ever said to either of us, or about either of us, was how horrible we are & how he is just entirely different. According to him, he's the only one who deserves respect, decency, & success. It's just the dynamics of the matter, just the way those things go. & there's no "fixing" the problem; Mary & the many others like her will keep trying to get love from people who are just like the one who mis-treated them. I did it myself for years, until illness finally slowed me down so much that I had time to sit & think. I guess that was the blessing of my illness, & it was a big one for which I'm grateful. uh. what was the question? I think that so often the ex-wives, the mothers of your stepchildren, sound exactly like abused women, & their marriages *cannot* work out. It's just the dynamics, & it looks insane to anyone who hasn't had similar experiences.