Mingirl,

I can appreciate that you are upset that all of a sudden the ex is willing to make this one big happy family because she has remarried, BUT.....

I think there is something very strange with your SO's story. Are you sure that he has been spending each night at his ex's house for years and Saturdays, too? Has his ex confirmed this? His kids?

It would seem to me that if he was really over there that much, he most certainly would have known about the remarriage. If he knew, why didn't he say anything?

I think he owes you an explanation that actually makes sense. Sorry.

"We" paid spousal support? Are you helping this man pay bills, including alimony, when you aren't married?

I understand where you are coming from. He laid out the rules and you played along. It probably hurt your feelings (not being "good enough" for his kids). And now he wants to change the rules again, unilaterally? Sorry, no dice. This gets messy though because you live with him (I assume). Is it his house as well? Does he pay the mortgage or the rent? If that's the case, I don't think you can stop him. But out of respect for you and in fairness he should allow YOU to alter the rules as you are ready.

Mingirl....I know that you have several issues that you need help with but I am having a hard time getting past the last 7 years of your life with SO. I agree and think that you need to find out if all you have been told is true. For me, finding out that I had been lied to all of that time would end the need to deal with the rest of it. I'd be gone. SO may not have lied and if not I don't understand the reasoning behind the arrangement nor the reasoning for accepting it.

When we get involved with some one that has kids we should figure that they may live with us one day never mind the every other weekend visits.It happened to me. As long as SO's kids are well behaved you can't complain much about the visits. I understand that you might want a break and that having them there when your kids are there would be nice. I was not surprised to read that SO was getting a hotel room. I was expecting that.

You have a mess on your hands but I'm afraid that it doesn't start with the kid's visits. Sorry.

Wow, I had to read this through a couple of times.

I dont know if I find it strange or not that he didnt know when his X got married - does his X go out when he goes there? Does he go out with his kids? Had his X been living with her now DH for a while, and the wedding was low-key. I wouldnt know if my X remarried, his SO has been living with him for a while.

I think if it is his house too, his children should be welcome there. Inconvenience is not an excuse. Parents in intact families have their children every weekend. I have my DD virtually every weekend. I can only imagine how terrible these children feel.

He deals with your kids being there most of the time. Why are you complaining about an occasional visit? I think the arrangement you've had up until now is strange, but you agreed to it and you've lived with it all this time. You shouldn't expect him to not want to have his kids around every chance he gets. That is him being a good parent.

I also agree with the other posters, that he may not have been completely honest with you about his visits, but that is not about the kids. Also, the kids had nothing to do with his agreement with his X and they should not be punished by not being able to visit their Dad in his home because that is the arrangement YOU are used to. When you get together with a man who has kids, it's not always going to be about YOU.

I don't think the real issue here is the kids visiting.

I think it's whether or not your entire relationship has been based on lies and deception.

If you are planning to stay in this relationship I don't think his children coming to stay the weekends is out of line at all and thankfully his & yours get along ok.

What I don't get is why or how all the other stuff went on for 7 yr.s without you questioning it?

Of course in your shoes I would be very hurt, but it's not the childrens fault their dad chose to not have you & yours be a part of their lives the past 7 years. Very strange, like you were a big secret or something? I don't get it. I think you have a LOT of issues to clear up with your BF, the least of which is visitation.

~Cat

The bottom line is whats best for the kids? Being able to come and stay with dad is whats best for them!

This is a relationship problem, not a problem with the kids.

Do you really want to stay put with a guy who so blatantly disregards your feelings and your rights? He hasn't been even remotely honest with you. He IS the problem.

I think you are absolutely correct in every way you feel. Unfortunately, it is beside the point. From one aspect to the other, it is beside the point. I really disagree with the last poster to say that he is the problem although I do understand why she feels that way. To me, you are the problem, and I do not intend for that to offend you in any way. It's just the bottom line, and hopefully you will see it by taking inventory of your life.

You accepted an extended live-in relationship without benefit of marriage. Seven years is a ridiculous amount of time to live with someone. Please forgive me for doubting you are the one who doesn't want marriage.

You accepted you and your children being treated as less than second class citizens and of less consequence in his life and his actions as his own children and the ex's preferences. Or so you think, which brings me to the next point.

You accepted him telling you he was with his children for one-third or more of his waking hours, when there is almost zero likelihood that is where he was, certainly not all of that time. Yet, you continued to live with him.

You accepted his ex re-marrying, so now suddenly he does not spend nearly as much time with his children as he did before the marriage. What has changed? Are they not still his children? Why is only a couple times a week or every other week okay now whereas before, he could barely stand being away from them?

You accepted his ex re-marrying, and he didn't know about it?

You accepted that he circumvents your questions and leaves you out in the cold, knowing that your feelings and what you want don't matter to him.

You accepted all these questions you have and feeling he has lied about some things. I never understand why many women so often wonder about the obvious and stick around for more.

For me, this is all too much to accept. Your own self-esteem should mean more to you than a man. I think the answers to some of these will only serve to hurt you and don't think you should stick around for any more of that. You can only make sense of his disregard by looking into yourself. You do not deserve this kind of treatment.

mingirl,

You maybe wondering, after reading the responses to your post, why have I subjected myself to this? What I have found, in my short time here, is that you are going to get the truth about what people think about what you have posted and sometimes the truth hurts or it is not really what you wanted to hear. Sometimes people are misunderstood here and if you feel that you are you must say so. I have my doubts that you have been in this particular situation.

You have been questioned as to why you have allowed yourself (and your children) to be treated as you have. Whether you define that as being treated with disrespect, being treated as second class compared to SO else or perhaps being lied to.

You've been asked why you have let this go for 7 years. Why you would live with SO for that length of time and why you have not married. I, myself, have a hard time relating to the rest of your story without knowing your responses to these questions. I'm stopped in my tracks, so to speak.

You seem to have enough strength to stand up to SO when it comes to SO's children visiting. Enough so that SO felt the need or desire to go to hotel for the weekend visit with his children.

I'd like to hear some response from you. Don't be afraid to speak up. You wanted to know what others thought and now you have it so don't be shy...speak up. Clear things up if there is a misconception, stand up for yourself if you feel that you should or admit that you've made some mistakes. I, for one, would like to hear from you.

As I read your post I am really suprised. I can not imagine my husband being at his ex wifes house every night after work until 10:30 and then spending most of the weekend there. When did you really have time to build this relationship or spend time with your bf???

How could this go on for 7 years???

I think the kids coming to his home is very normal, but I think that 7 years was way too long to wait for this! IMHO the visitation at his home should have began years ago.

If I was you I would be very skeptical of the relationship you have had with him and how much of that time was really speng with his kids. Part of me thinks that maybe him and his ex were trying to work on their relationship....the other part of me thinks he may have had a relationship with someone else!

I am sure this is not what you wanted to hear. But I would really start to investigate this situation and make sure that all that time was really spent with his kids. And I would be very curious where his ex's husband was for months that he did not know about him while he was at her home all those days.

Maybe I'm missing something but does your SO STILL spend each evening at his ex's now that the new husband lives there? If not, is he now home every evening with you and the other children?

There is a simple way to get to the bottom of this - just get your daughter to ask her new friend if Dad is there everynight until she goes to bed. If so, then you have a weird relationship but at least it's real. If not, then you have a dangerous person on your hands and it's time to take your children and move on.

As for the kid visits - that's the least of your problems.

Sorry for not responding earlier but I have been busy with other things and this is the first time I have had to check back. Thanks for all the responses. I do not find any of them offensive. After all I asked for advice. To answer some questions..
why have I put up with this all these years....I have two children that have actually bonded with SO and truly love him. He is not a horrible person and I was hoping by my post that it didn't come across that way. I also stated in my post the reason that I put up with it was because his EX made the rule that my children and I were not allowed to meet his children. SO did not want to stand up to her or go through court with her because he was afraid that would have damaged the children more. I tended to agree. The last thing in a divorce situation I want is to have the children go through crap. That is why I accepted his arrangements. Although I didn't like them I was thinking what was BEST for his children. What I am having a hard time accepting now is that the EX is NOW okay with his kids knowing my children and me. She apparently said it was okay for them to sleep overnight here but about two to three weeks ago when his children wanted to stay the night the EX said no. Now two weekends later it is okay for them to sleep over for the entire weekend because it is her wedding anniversary which I was told she was married in January. SO forgot to tell me about the arrangement and then told me it was just his daughter talking and he didn't agree to it. This was on Tuesday. On thursday his kids still were claiming to my daughter that they were coming here for the weekend. He hadn't discussed it with them. So for once I put my foot down and said not this weekend. Any other time I am okay with it but I felt that if I give in the Ex will continue to take advantage and after 7 years I guess I have had enough of accepting. This is not really about having his children at our house. I don't care really. It is about the principal of having the EX decide what is best for her. As well I have two children who also have become used to the arrangement that has gone on for 7 years. I do not think that it is fair to them to all of a sudden have two kids coming every other weekend or whenever they feel like it. I don't think many people here have an open door and kids come and go as the need arises. I have read many posts here about custody arrangements and all that I have read all have set arrangements. Just like we have had a set arrangement for the last 7 years. All I was trying to say was I wrong for not wanting to give in this time?Also it could be true that my SO did not know that she got married but I am having a hard time believing that his kids didn't say anything. However they could have been told not to. Oh and why we still are not married. I guess we consider ourselves married we just don't have the paperwork. This stems from the fact that we were afraid the EX wouldd ask for more spousal support. I am not offended by anyones comments and I appreciate the feedback as it gives me more ways to look at this situation.

I really dont see the X as taking advantage of you. For your SO to have the children for a weekend is not a big deal. If you were going to the hospital, had a trip planned, etc., but I dont hear that here.

If I were your SO I would be very resentful that my kids couldnt visit for a weekend. It sounds like it is your house, not his and yours togethor.

If I were one of his children I would hate you. I would resent your kids.

Do you intend to stay in this relationship?

My SD's mom is very similar in that she will change her tune to suit her needs. When she was with an old BF she would not allow SD to come to our house for summer break during her visitation time because it was HER time, and BF's parents would keep SD. Next summer, when she and BF broke up and she would have to pay for alternative care, suddenly coming here to stay wasn't so wrong any more. This is one of a zillion examples, so I totally get where you are coming from with letting mom dictate what works and when and expecting you all to bend with her whims.

That said, you have to learn to bend. It sucks, and you will hate the feeling that you are letting mom get her way all the time, but you'll also see that 'mom's way' is also 'skid's way' because they are the ones who suffer the most when mom doesn't get what she wants. Trust me, I know. In a way it also becomes 'your way' because the stress and drama is so much less. Is it fair? No. Do you have to give in 100% of the time? No. But if having the kids is going to be a consistent thing now, start learning to pick your battles. It may sound like the wimpy way out, but I prefer to think of it as the high road. In the end, you and the skids will all be better off because you chose to travel it.

Good luck and keep posting.

It sounds to me that the X had discussed this with her Xhusband in advance. And it sounds to me that the X had the kids much more. And to ask for her X -- the kids father -- to take the kids for one weekend -- if I were the X I would be seething that I couldnt take one weekend off without Princess Second Wife causing a row. I would be proud of my X that he still tryed to step up.

Thank you justnotmartha. Your advice is very good. In fact I have learned to bend by accepting all these years the arrangements that have been made. I just thought how many more times do I bend....But as you said it is not worth the stress and drama even if it isn't fair. Thanks again for the feedback.

Your DH wants his kids for one weekend and you say NO? Whose house is it??? I dont see you bending

You crack me up kkny.

Look a little harder and you will see a lot of bending going on.

Something that you don't "frequently" do.

It is unconsciousable to tell a SO that his/her kids arent welcome. That is what she did. I have asked her repeatedly -- whose house is it? She uses us and we a lot, as in "we" pay spousal support. The agreement she agreed to may have been unusual, but she was given plenty of warning re his kids coming. Great beginning for a relationship with his kids. And she expects him to be nice to her kids????

There is a lot here that I dont really understand but I will address this one thing; not letting the kids come to your house.

While I can understand your frustration. I do not think it was acceptable to tell your DH (or BF) that his kids could not come over. There have been PLENTY of times that BM has changed plans or at the last minute we have had the kids and have ruined plans... sometimes those plans were nothing more than me having some time to myself or with my hubby. Yes, it did make me highly poed especially since she complained about everything I did... and hated my very existance but had no problem what so ever saying... well mo4 is there cant she watch the kids. But, the fact is they are his kids. And, aside from the fact that I love those kids, it is never my place to say they cant come to our home. It would be entirely unacceptable to say that they couldnt come since wherever he is (and I am) is their home as well. And I do understand that your situation was different for 7 years... but the fact is things change daily with kids and you never know what is going to happen. You have to accept that fact. I personally could have never been in that relationship the way it was set up. But, that was your decision to make. I also think that since things are obviously changing you have to make a decision now as to wether or not you are okay with it. Either you are (even if it does frustrate you) and you put your feelings on the back burner about ex controlling things or you are not and it is time to end the relationship. Because, one thing I know for sure is that it is NOT in the kids best interest to have to visit dad at a hotel instead of his home... and I can guarantee that this will foster nothing but hostility between you and DH and his kids and even his kids and your kids.

Colleen, I dont know why you say I dont bend. I have my DD virtually 24/7. I would love to have a break now and then. But I dont. Do I take it out on my DD? No. Do I resent that I cant travel, go out etc. -- once in awhile. But I guess you stand for SMs/SOs have the right to tell their SO his kids cant visit. Maybe the reason he hasnt had his kids there for the last 7 years is he realizes how self-centered OP is. As someone else said, when you marry a man with children, it isnt going to be all about you.

Your daughter is 16 I am sure she can spend time alone without you by now.

It was BM who didn't want her children to meet mingirl and her kids for 7 years. BM thought her children wouldn't adjust well to dad living with other kids.

Now suddenly that has all changed cuz BM got married. So now it is aok. And plans were made without consulting mingirl. Geez talk about doing everything just exactly the wrong way.

One would think that on such a momentous occasion husband would have thought just a little bit harder about how he was going to arrange it.

I don't for a minute think this is about the children.

But way to get your BS line in again about SM's being self centred and self focused only.

And that my dear kkny is where you don't bend. You don't ever give stepmoms credit where credit is due.

I give this one credit for not letting her SOs kids visit, when it seems like he is the type guy who pitches in with kids, and doesnt dumpt them on a mom, sm, so or whomever. And I give you credit for supporting her right to do it.

Another way to look at it is she hasnt had to help with her SOs kids for 7 years -- and she evidently views it as a burden.

And I dont leave my DD at home overnight or late at ngiht by herself. Which does cut down on traavel, etc. And the SOs kids arent that young either.

Unless the father is quite wealthy, staying overnight in a hotel with the kids every weekend is going to be financially draining after awhile, and I can't imagine he is going to want to do that longterm. I think he sounds like a good father, to go to the expense of staying in a hotel to ensure that he sees his kids.

I wonder if he and his exW were doing a variation on the "nesting" concept - perhaps she left during those evenings and Saturdays that he was there; perhaps she spent those times with her now husband. It seems likely that she spent at least some of the time that her exH was at her house out with the guy she married - unless the three of them hung out together most evenings.

I can see both sides. I can see why you would resent the BM controling the entire situation. I can see why you would be annoyed that because it is now convienient for her to let your SO have his kids, that it would bother you that it only is happening because it is out of convienince to her. I can see how that would bug a person.

However, now is the time to start building a bridge and to start a relationship with his kids that will be a good one. You don't want them to see you as a selfish woman who does not want them around. They will resent you for that. After all, it was not them who did not want to come visit their Dad all of these years. It was a decision made by BM and agreed to by BD. He is just as responsible for the arrangement as BM is because he didn't do anything to try to make it different. Don't direct your resentment for BM at the kids.

Another thing...the kids are at an age which they will be able to start making their own decisions about visiting their Dad. It would be nice for all involved if you can create a nice, fun, loving and inviting environment in your home so that nobody will have to be excluded any longer. It's great that they already get along with your kids. Why not do your best to make the best of the situation?

What I was thinking ... was ... whats going to happen when his kids get wind of the "fact" that dad has been living with another woman and 2 kids for seven years and they have never met them .... ???

Dad's going to some explaining to do.

Pseudo, his kids obviously know, and are apparently trying to build a relationship with her kids. Unless Dad spun this not as SO not wanting them but rather a fun weekend at a hotel (maybe pool, etc.), I dont see this as starting off a good relationship with his kids and his SO.

I dont know why OP thinks this arragnement reflects her not being "good enough". It may reflect dad and his X wanting to cut down on change for his kids, and being accomadative. And it changed. On this board, SMs always tell moms they have to live with change -- doesnt it go both ways? And this was one weekend we are talking about.

"I don't think the real issue here is the kids visiting.
I think it's whether or not your entire relationship has been based on lies and deception."

amen to that.

Step back, breathe in, breathe out, & cast a skeptical eye on what this "married all but for the paperwork" man really has been doing for the past 7 years.

My guess is that he's been:

sleeping with his ex

continuing their marital relationship emotionallly

using you for financial convenience ("we" have been paying)

enjoying the best of married & single life

lying to you about the depth of his commitment to you & your kids

lying to his ex about his living arrangements, representing you as a casual roommate or live-in

Finally, his ex got wise to him, found someone else, got married, & now your "SO" needs a new story & just hasn't come up with it yet.

Taking his children to a hotel for the week-end (do you know for sure that he did this? maybe he stayed with them at the ex's house while she & her new hubs took a mini-vacation or week-end honeymoon somewhere nice) sounds---
unbelievable.

I'm sorry, & I wish you the best.

I would immidtiatelly contact his x and asked what took place for these 7 years, also I would let her know that you and your kids lived wiht him all this time. Don't be surprised when you'll find out that neither his X nor the children knew about you and he was not going there every day but was somewhere else. this arrangment sounds sick to me.

FD,

Given his kids were iming or emailing her kids, its pretty clear the kids all knew what was going on. Not certain at this point whether X did, but kinda hard to beleive, but in any event X is married now.

Sylvia, If OPs SO did stay at Xs house, it is still going to be tough for SO to develope relationship with the skids.

I keep asking -- does OP want to continue this relationship? Whose hosue is it??

mingirl,
I can understand why you put your foot down for that weekend. It was not because of the kids. It was to make a point to your SO's ex that she cannot have it her way all the time. She had it her way for 7 years because your husband did not want to stand up to her or ruffle feathers for the sake of his kids. But i find it two faced because she says it was too early for her kids but your kids had to see your SO? Either way, its her kids, she made the decision, your SO accepted, you had no choice but to accept it.
And i totally understand why this would upset you that all the sudden its ok for her kids to not only come over but to sleep over because she is now married. The weekend was special to her and i understand her point for wanting private time with her new husband. BUT she should have arranged for her kids to be with other family members because this situation comes across as hypacritical on her part since she didnt' want them to see you for 7 years but now its ok cause it suits her benefit for her own personal needs. She should have sent them elsewhere.
This is not about the kids. Its about the fact that biomom prohibited a relationship with your SO family (you and your kids) for the benefit of her kids. She's allowed to change her mind...but...i think it would have been best to do this gradually between the two family instead of suddenly and frankly she didn't want a relationship with you guys and all the sudden she does this to her benefit.
I think you did the right thing for yourself to stand up and put your foot down and say, i dont have my kids this weekend and i do not want any other kids around for this particular weekend.
LEts not stray from the thread people. Mingirl wanted this particular weekend to herself. THis means not even her own kids were with her. Andyour SO did do the right thing by rentign a hotel.
I also had days when i would just leave all the kids behind and spend a day to myself. We all need those days. It was just unfortunate that it happen to be the same weekend biomom choice for her anniversary weekend getaway. That is all.
Let it all ride over and do not feel guilty for having time yourself. Explain it to your SO.
I just also find it odd that SO would go over there and his kids didn't even tell them that their mom was married. Its odd but i can believe it can happen.
My SKIds also kept a secret from their dad for 4 months as well. Their mom had moved her SO into the house and kept it a secret. My husband picked up his kids everyother weekend and he honestly didn't know until i looked at his kids one day and said your mom has a boyfriend in the house and i know she does. I'm pretty good at reading body language and biomoms phone habits changed...

The children in this posting have two parents. Two parents that made these decision together, if we are to believe the OP's version of what her SO told her.

We do not know what the biomom did in this situation and given that, we only know what is in the OP's post and it is what her SO decided for his children.

If Dad wanted to, he could have taken the kids for visitation to his house. But he didn't. He made his choice and although this story really doesn't add up to me, the blame (if any) lies with him.

Why in the world is it another womans fault or hypocritical of her? When are we, as women, going to open up our eyes and stop blaming other women/mothers when the person responsible to the OP is the father, not the mother. Apparently the OP doesn't even know the biomom or the children involved, but I guess the easiest thing to blame is the biomom or children....otherwise we might have to question these 7 long years of what doesn't seem like a credible story.

Thw situation with him "visiting" at his exes house most nights for all of those years just doesnt feel right to me...your relationship was a "secret"...are you sure he was really divorced all that time? Are you sure he wasnt trying to patch things up that whole time with ex and was living w/ you and double dipping?....this just feels off to me.....sorry I dont mean to offend, but are you sure he didnt just tell you BM didnt want the kids at your house?

KKNY I understood that his kids only found out about the whole story recently. they had no clue for 7 years. otherwise why would they be emailing someone they have never met? if kids knew, why haven't they ask to visit dad at his house? what kind of dad is he that kids never came to visit?

4 months is not the same as 7 years, organic maria.

something is very fishy here. 7 years, I'll never believe this is possible.

I am thinking that 5inall is right and maybe this guy wasnt divorced all those years. I would take what he says the ex says with a whole salt block. I also would question tying my life closer with someone who would keep me a secret for seven years.

that is exactly what I was thinking Nivea "If Dad wanted to, he could have taken the kids for visitation to his house. But he didn't. He made his choice and although this story really doesn't add up to me, the blame (if any) lies with him." and fiveinall "are you sure he was really divorced..."

It actually sounds more like he lived with his X (or maybe she was not really X) for 7 years and visited with OP, not the other way around. he was there every day and on the weekend, that really means he lived there with his kids and their mom. Yes he also lived with you, kind of, so he lived with two women (maybe he slept with X or not, but lived wiht her all these 7 years as well as with you) Why would you want to be with someone who lives with two women at once?
but whatever it is, it is very wrong of you to say you do not want his kids around. so would you rather he continues going to his wife's house and spends time with her and the kids? rather than coming home to you and bring his kids? you sound pretty selfish. He is the father and kids could be at his house as much as at mom's house. there is no rule that kids need to 24/7 with mom. so you got used to the fact that he is not home with you but at X's house? lol who could get used to that?

what a strange story.

IF YOU AND YOUR SO HAVE BEEN TOGETHER LONG ENOUGH TO BE A "FAMILY" THAN HIM LEAVING YOU EVERY NIGHT IS REDICULOUS! HE IS PUTTING HIS KIDS ABOVE YOU AND THAT ISNT A HEALTHY RELASHONSHIP. WE ALL LOVE OUR KIDS, BUT OUR SPOUCE/ SO COMES FIRST. R U SURE HE REALLY IS WHERE HE SAYS HE IS???? TAKE IT FROM ANOTHER STEPMOTHER... IF MY HUSBAND DID THAT TO ME I WOULD BE FOLLOWING HIM TO SEE WHERE HE REALLY IS! AS FOR THE EX CALLING ALL OF THE SHOTS, IT ISNT UP TO HER, ITS UP TO A JUDGE! TO MANY WOMEN FEEL THAT THEY HAVE THE MEN BY THE THROAT WHEN IT COMES TO VISITATIONS AND THE KIDS. IF YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH TO BE WITH HIM THAN YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH TO BE PART OF HIS KIDS LIFE'S HANG IN THERE!