You've already tried to teach her, so I guess the answer is no.

From your post, it sounds as if you've done all you possibly can. I wouldn't disconnect entirely, but I would certainly scale back my efforts to improve your SD's birth mother's parenting skills. I suspect that is the source of some of the tension between the two of you. Have you ever heard the saying, "Don't try to teach a pig to sing. All you'll do is waste your time and annoy the pig."

By trying to show the BM how to be actively involved in her daughter's life, you further inflamed her jealousy and competitiveness. A nasty custody battle probably didn't help either.

I'd do the minimum -- send pictures, not framed; help your SD pick out cards or write letters, etc., but not do it myself.

By the way, I'm not in your shoes. I'm a stepdaughter. I would LOVE my stepmother to be like you. Unfortunately, I got the crazy, jealous kind instead of the sweet, wonderful kind like you and some of the others on this board.

good luck.

Martha - You're doing the right things. You're showing your SD how to be kind and gracious and giving and noble. You're teaching her how to behave like a lady. Like a mature adult who puts the needs of her children and family above petty spitefulness and jealousy.

And it's working, or SD would have turned against you by now.

Sadly, you can't teach an old BM new tricks.
Just try to be sure she doesn't end up rubbing off on you...

You're a good lady, Martha. Keep it up if you can.

The stress on the 12-year-old might be reduced if, as suggested above, you "scaled back", lessening the confrontation & competition between you & her mother.

At 12, she can & should & likely would be thrilled to do her own present-giving, picture-framing, etc.

In a way I think I know how your step daughter feels.Although different circumstances completely,my mom is sorta either you're all for her or against her kind of person.So,if she hated someone,she wanted me to hate them too.When I didnt,she would be mean and call me a traitor and stuff.
Sounds like that's what SD's own mom is doing here...and that's really sad~because I remember how bad I used to feel.
I would disengage as much as possible without it causing a war. Do what is expect,be polite,but nothing more.

Thank you all for the encouragement - I truly appreciate it.
Sylvia, SD is involved with picking out the frames and such, but doesn't have the financial means to purchase much. Her BM isn't a real fan of homemade gifts so we are limited on what she can give and take care of herself, if I pull back my finacial backing, unfortunately.

Pgarden - your BM and this one sound a lot alike. SD has been called a trator and told she stabbed her BM in the back. Lovely.

I hate to think I have to be less of a mother figure to make her BM less psycho . . . why does that just not seem right? But the ugly truth is, that may be all that's left to do.

"we are limited on what she can give and take care of herself, if I pull back my finacial backing"

For the good of all involved, *Dad* should be paying for his daughter's picture frames & such.

Many years ago, I worked with a young woman whose husband had six (!) children with his first wife.

One morning when Carol was fuming about the ex, she said something like "We pay her blah blah blah".

I laughed & said, "Oh, Carol, you mean *he* pays her; you don't pay her. The divorce decree was between him & her."

& she replied, "Oh, yes, *I* pay her.
Hubs pays the house payment & whatever out of his account, & her child support comes out of my separate account.
She has to look at my name on her check every month."

That was over 20 years ago, & I still haven't figured out what those 2 were thinking.

Even though you don't sound like you're doing the same kind of thing for the reasons Carol was doing it, you *are* doing the same kind of thing.

If I were the first wife, mother of the children, having my nose rubbed in the new wife's exercise of monetary power would likely aggravate any hateful feelings I had toward my ex & his new wife.

& if Dad & daughter can't pay for nice frames, there are tons of affordable ones at dollar stores.

"If I were the first wife, mother of the children, having my nose rubbed in the new wife's exercise of monetary power would likely aggravate any hateful feelings I had toward my ex & his new wife."

Oh, yeah. Although my exH pays the child support from his own account, it's all about money, and my H's current wife has all the power because she had all the money, and she wants to make sure everyone is well aware of that. My kids are supposed to grovel in front of her every time they receive a gift from their father, because, as their father always tells them, SHE actually paid for it. Their father told our daughter that he wouldn't fill out the paperwork for financial aid because his wife is too wealthy. I am not sure how drilling the fact that he has a sugar momma into the kids' heads is supposed to make them fond of her.

Out of curiosity, does your SD like visitations with her mother? Its sad to hear that she has to be torn between her biological mother and the person who has done the parenting. If she is old enough, maybe its time she decides if the visitations are more harmful than love filled. You are obviously a great Stepmom, its very hard to get along with someone who constantly belittles you in front of the child you have been the mother too. Best of luck.

Sylvia and TOS ~ this is totally not about money. I'm sorry I picked an example of something that would lead you to that assumption. I was just looking for a example of a simple kindness that I can't bring myself to extend anymore because of her actions.
DH and I have joint accounts, and have from the get go. I make the larger contribution, but we do not differentiate funds at all. It's the time, effort and thought involved not the money. I express gratitude when someone, especially someone with NO obligation to, does something kind for me.

BM, on the other hand, frequently tells my SD that we have all the money and she has none. SD saw through this pretty quickly when there wasn't money for her to get school clothes at that house, but BM and her new daughter get new clothes weekly.

Scarlet, her feelings are mixed. She loves her mom and wants to trust and be comfortable with her, but the woman honestly makes it next to impossible. She just can't put her child's feelings or needs before her own.

In a world where the color of the sky can change to suit a person's whim, how do you find stable ground?

Martha, I think you're doing some great things and should keep it up. When you help SD get something nice for her BM, she will remember it, appreciate it, and thank you some time in the future for it. Think of your actions as more for your SD.

As for BM, I think it would be easier if you lowered your expectations for her. My skid's BM did exactly the same thing -- guilt tripped the skids if they had a good time with me, bad mouthed me constantly, called 4 times a day during visitation days to tell the skis how lonely she was, etc., etc. And my personal favorite -- tell the skids that she was "struggling" financially. HA. HA. HA. We paid for 2/3 of the house that she and her new boyfriend picked, we pay for 100% of the remaining mortgage on said house, we paid for 80% of the renovations, we purchased a new car for her, we paid 100% of her tuition when she went back to school, and we always pay 100% of what she asks at the beginning of the school year, the Christmas season, etc. This is on top of CS, and we pay more than we need to for that as well. It doesn't make one iota of difference. She still tells the skids that she has to struggle by herself because "your spineless father has a controlling freak for a wife who won't let him give us proper support".

Bottom line: you can't do much about it if BM wants to make an a$$ of herself. All you can do is try to be there for your SD. If I had regular expectations for my skid's BM and actually expected her to act like a decent person about it, I would be having a coronary right about now. LOL