I think if he knew what this does to the older girl it would help alot. She needs to now be the big sister and told that, this is a very special time for her to. I think for now till he learns, that you and other family members can tell her it is HER little sister. And WOW she is a big sister, and contiue to help her identity and self concept growing without his help. Till then let him know that ignoring is one of the five main abuse catagorys. I dont think theres animosity only preocupation and inconsideration. If you get mad at him, hers a suggestion. Do you want to be a numbskull and not see whats going on around you, or do you want to maintain your integrity and see to this babies needs to! It just might work.

I agree with simron, SD is being a bit inconsiderate, he now has a BD so he no longer the substitute? and admitedly?

Challenge his love for SD directly, and let him know that he needs SD for BD as much as he needs BD, after all SD is the example that BD will always emulate. He needs SD strong and loving toward BD, not resentful that BD has taken his love from her.

Say it plain, you have the right to as a mother talking to another adult.

Having thought about your situation more, and having spokento a friend who unfortunately grew up in ahome in the position of your oldest, I have to say that is is great that you have detected the problem and want to rectify it. My friends's mom did not, she just submitted to the new husband's ways.

The effect has been profound, she speak sof them in terms that shows she is seperated like 'those people' or 'the way they think, bu tnot me'. I always noticed the way she continues to seperate herself, and believe it, she blames her mother and herself for not making her as good as her sister to be loved better. Till now she chooses relatinships where she is not put first in love, like always dating married guys, and spending most of her time with friends who did'nt come to visit her when she crashed her car last year.

As a concerned mother your heart breaks when your kids heart is broken, you truly love your daughter, and I hope your guy comes around.

My exDH did this also. I had three children when we married and then we had one together. Prior to my youngest being born he was great to my older three kids. He even adopted them. After my youngest was born that child became the center of his world. I wish all he had done was ignore them but instead he became very mean to them. I begged him to form a relationship with them and he only got mad and told me that I cannot make him spend time with them.

Anyway, long story short, the older three children became resentful of their younger brother. They saw the favortism and blamed him for their misery. That would be my fear with your older daughter. I am sure she notices the difference now and may end up resenting her younger sibling. Maybe you could point this out to your SO. You stated that your SO is already aware that he ignores her but does he realize that in the end he may be hurting both of them? Also, has he put himself in her shoes?

I think this is probably pretty normal.There is no love in this world like that of a child that is your own! I know others will disagree with me,and that is ok.I think you can love adopted children very much.I dont think it is the same as having one of your own though.
I care for my step children,but is it the All consuming,overwhelming,die-for-you love that I have for my own daughter? Sadly,no.
I can understand the concern you have if he is flat out ignoring your other daughter.However,I ignored EVERYBODY when my child was first born.It was A LIFE ALTERING EXPRIENCE! Since you already have a child,you arent having the new feelings he is having.For me it was as if nothing else even exsisted when my daughter was born.I wanted to love her and protect her from everything.She was (and still is) the earth and the sky and the sun that sets on it!
I think as time goes by it should get better with the other child.The only reason it wouldnt would be if your husband actually dislikes her for some reason~which doesnt sound like the case.Certainly doesnt sound like it's intentional,his ignoring her.Just sounds as though he is very raptured with his new baby right now.

IS THE OP STILL AROUND. Where is mummyluv's point of view here?

Plastic,

Thanks for being honest.

"I care for my step children,but is it the All consuming,overwhelming,die-for-you love that I have for my own daughter? Sadly,no. "

I'm here...taking everyone's responses in. As I said in my first posting, I think the situation is unhealthy; like may o fthe alternatives. The problem is knowing how to make it better for everyone involved.

Aisha, I do not know what "OP" stands for.

Sorry, Original Poster, i hope, lol.

The best way to any opening is to reveal the issue. I would open by starting an open and completely un-intimaidating and un-judgemental dialogue. You would know the way to set the mood to this for you and your bf.

A wise person once said that you cannot repair what you do not confront, you cannot confront what you do not identify, so identify the problems head on, hey, employ my personal method for staying on track in these situations; little cards, each with a different issue and point on the topic beign discussed. This way nothing gets left out.

Well mommyluv, fro some reason I am taking your situation personally, maybe because of my own troubles in childhood. Anyway, I threw your situation out to a friend of mine, a practising psychologist, and luckily she is currently treating a couple in your exact position, except they have sons.

She said that the only difference between you and them is that men view their sons as extensions of themselves, whereas they subconsciously view their daughters as objects of their love. Therefore, your situation is easier to treat than with sons.

The root of your problems have two point of views:

From your point of view, you feel that he has changed the rules on you, in other words, he came into your life nad you accepted him because he was there for the both of you. Now 5 yrs later, with both of you in love with him, he has decided to discontinue the relationship as it always was, with one of you, the weaker one. You are perfectly right to be angry about that, the wife in question couldnt even continue sleeping with her husband, she was so hurt.

Now, from his point of view:
He feels that he is somehow robbing his daughter by giving some of the same love to the SC, in other words he doesnÂt have enough to give. This is making him a little resentful that he must give it, therefore it is easier to avoid SC.

He must practice the opposite. She suggests what she calls "practised inclusion", not a coined phrase. Using physical exercises to change the mind and therefore future actions.

Your bf is asked to treat your 1st daughter the way he did before the 2nd one came along, eg. Hugs and kisses when he arrives at the house and when he leaves, for her and for you. Include sd in playtime with baby, and when baby is sleeping catch up on the games they played together before. Sd doesnÂt have to be included in baby nap time rituals because this is important bonding time between parent and child but sd must have naptime rituals of her own. She should also be included in some bath time rituals, demonstrating that every member of the household is important in their respective roles. An only child is already afraid that they may no longer be needed when the 2nd child comes along. The opposite must be demonstrated by both parents.

You should both give what you are accustomed to giving her, and when you cannot, allow her to understand sharing at that time.

It is working for this couple because the husband is falling in love again with the SS, remembering the way they bonded and that he actually enjoyed fathering him in the past. Fortunately, small children forget these things quickly, so she will be receptive.

The lynchpin of this exercise is in your bf understanding that he is a member of the household to fill a role to all of you, not who he chooses. If he doesnÂt want to listen, or is resisting your efforts in rectifying this situation, or is stonewalling in any way, then you have to take further action to make him understand that he cannot change the rules midstream, he must listen, and he must adopt a good attitude and do the exercises required with a warm heart to the SC, with a smile in other words.

Considering that i am paraphrasing, i hope this helps.

Aisha, thanks for the info! I'm going to give it a try. I'll let you know how it goes.

Great, can't wait to read your next post.

Well, the discussion didn't go very smooth but after things settled down, it became promising. Effort has been made to speak kindly to her since. Imperfect but progress. Time will tell...

This is good. I hope your guy begins to recognise that he has an obligation to continue in the way that he started with you both. Gosh!, I hope that they continue to improve, for all of your happiness!

How are you dealing with him now? Hope not still mad?

Yeah, I hope so too. Deep down, I'm still hurt and mad but I have made a large effort not to let that show because its only fair that I now give him an opportunity to change things around. It made me feel so good though when my 5 year old came in the house not too long after the conversation to tell me how excited she was that he talked to her before he left. I think that says it all and I really hope he understands that. Sometimes we forget what kind of impact we have on others lives, especially children.

Anyway, I'm hopeful.

Wow, my heart goes out to your 5 yr old,
I think you will impact him more if you allow her to say 'thank you for talking to me SD', or 'thank you for reading to me SD'.

When he realises that she is legitamitely in need of his attention, maybe this will impact him more than your words. The only way he could avoid being moved by her expressing her own need is if he has a heart of stone.

Have you shared with him her excitement at him just talking to her? I would as soon as I get the chance just to validate him in his efforts, regardless of the situation being what it is, when men are praised they tend to want to continue in their efforts.

Cuddos for sticking it out and patiently at that, family woman and a half!