When I was a kid going to my dads EOW I slept on a couch. Never bothered me.

I would think a baby needs their own room so they do not disturb other kids sleeping and so you have somewhere to put all the baby stuff and furniture!

Did you ask your dh what his plan was for where to put the baby??

Well, does he realize that it's not just his son "giving up" his own room, but yours too?
It's not like you're thinking that the baby will have its own room and SS will sleep behind the garage!

Also... Will the baby be "rooming in" with you for its first few months? To my way of thinking, why not let SS paint the room right away, then go on your trip, start TTC, have the baby and keep it a bassinet in your room for a few months... Then it's about a year and a half that both sons can enjoy their own rooms before they have to bunk up again.
But to each their own of course!

Personally, I don't think there is a "normal" sleeping situation for EOW kids, it all depends on the size of home & number of kids... it will probably vary by situation. I do think it's important for kids to have their own space and private areas. (ie. dresser or area that nobody gets into) My SD goes to her mom's on weekends and complains because she has to share a room with her mom's BF's daughter, who also visits EOW. Occasionally there's a weekend when she's with us and worries about the other kids getting into her things or playing with her toys, etc. BTW, her older sister is 13 and has her own room and she'd prefer to share with her sister (who also visits on weekends only) but the older girl probably has her own room because she's a teen now & needs her privacy.

However, I think your son & ss are close enough in age to go back to sharing a room. I would give them the largest room to share, daughter gets the mid sized room & baby gets the smallest. Is it fair to uproot any of the kids & change rooms? Maybe not, but it's also an adjustment to having a baby sibling. It would be a good opportunity to share their feelings during a family meeting. You could ask them to offer solutions to living situation when a new baby comes along. (your husband may feel his son is being slighted, but maybe the son won't feel that way) Having a discussion before a baby is on the way... could open the door to find out how they might feel about a new baby too.

You can also hand your husband a hammer and have him add onto the house for the baby. or you can suggest selling that house and buying a five bedroom.

I think that since the boys r so close in age, that they should share a room whether they are EOW or full time the decision is really based on space..my two girls shared for years and they are 4 years apart..
Another thought is to have the baby in the beginning sleep in a bassinet in your room, I did this for convenience since I was nursing, but I think it would only be a short term fix...
If I were you I would tell my DH either the kids close in age share,we redo the basement w/ an extra br (if you have one) or no baby...but thats just me...

If at all possible, its best for the kids to have their own rooms, especially since the one boy is EOW. It helps him to feel part of his fathers household, and that he has his own place in his fathers family.

Of course, its not always possible.

Babies dont really take up much room. Is there a space that can be partioned off for a baby? A baby room doesnt need much space, and even after baby is a toddler, it wont require much space for several years. By that time, you may move again, or one of the other kids may be grown, or you may come up with some other situation that works.

Barring that, perhaps if the two boys actually want to share a room, your husband could be persuaded.

But, if you can, I would make sure everyone has their own space. Thats the best solution.

perhaps dh wasnt thinking clearly.... my kids share rooms... the boys share a room the girls share a room. We simply can not afford a five bedroom house at this time... hopefully one day but not right now. I dont think there is a big deal and infact I think it can be good for kids. I think it has added stress for parents sometimes... such as when one boy is in trouble and the other is not or when the girls have decided that they dont like each other for a moment...

I have given them each there own box... big tupper ware container with their name on it (which is going to be upgraded to trunks with locks this christmas) so that they each have their own private thing... no one is allowed to go into someone else box and they can put whatever they feel is important enough at the time in there.. excluding things that are supposed to be shared ie: gaming consoles or controllers (we had this problem once). I feel like this gives them there own spot and there own sense of privacy but I dont do it because we are a blended family and all of that. I do it because I was the oldest of four kids in a house that almost always had "extras' friends cousins whatever in a small house... and this is something my parents did for me and I LOVED when I was younger...especially a teen.

DD always had her own room at dads place. maybe that room was used for somehting else when DD was not there, i don't know.

"Babies dont really take up much room. Is there a space that can be partioned off for a baby? A baby room doesnt need much space, and even after baby is a toddler, it wont require much space for several years."

With all due respect, as the BM of a 14 mo. old and 7 year-old, I really have to disagree with that statement. At the very least, babies need a space for their crib, changing table and rocker. If the changing table does not have storage space, there is also need for space to store clothes, blankets, diapers, wipes, etc. This does not include space for storage of portable playpens and toys, which for toddlers, can be huge, especially if you have a bouncer toy and ride-on toys. We were in the process of building one house and selling another when our baby was born, so instead of making a new room for him, we kept him in a bassinet by the bed. He was a slight preemie, so he was smaller than most, and he had outgrown the bassinet after about 3 mos., so that is a very temporary thing.

PLUS, babies and toddlers are awake frequently during the night, more so if they have a cold or are teething. If they are sharing a room with someone, THAT person is also disturbed. We have had a big dose of that at our new house, where we came up w/ the idea of putting the baby's nursery in our sitting room adjacent to the master bedroom.
We thought it would just be SO convenient to get to him when he cried. Although it IS convenient, the problem is, even if I get up to tend to him, his crying wakes up DH and vice versa. PLUS, babies go to bed early, and even though we have french doors separating our bedroom and sitting room, we have to keep the lights and tv low in our bedroom so we won't wake him. Unless there were no other alternative, it would be very unfair to have another child share a bedroom with the baby, IMHO.

Also, I have 2 DSSs, ages 12 and 14. They have always shared a room at our home. When I married DH they were 3 and 5, so they liked the closeness of sharing a room, even though we bought a 4 BR house and had no other children, so until DS 7 was born, we had 2 empty BRs. Our current home also has 4 BRs, one for us, one for DS 7, one for guests and one shared by DSSs (and the baby in our sitting room, as I mentioned.) DSSs have never expressed a problem with that set-up and have been allowed to select their own furniture and decor--even selected paint color when we built. When they spend 4 nights a month here (EOW) at best, I don't think it's necessary to have their own room. We have, however, always given them the biggest bedroom since they do share. We are, however, open to changing that if it becomes a big issue, such as, if DSS 14 wants more privacy. We are currently finishing our bonus room, so that could be another large bedroom if need be.

I agree that every situation is different. In your situation, I think it makes perfect sense for the boys to share a room and allow the baby its own (smaller) room.

Good Luck!

None of my six kids ever had a room of their own as babies. We had the crib in our bedroom, not that it was used very often, and I have never owned a changing table. Baby clothes don't take up much room in a dresser - usually I had a couple of drawers for their stuff, and generally it went directly from the dryer to the laundry basket to the baby. It is the living room that becomes full of toys.

My husband rarely woke up when the babies cried, even though he was right next to them in bed - of course, with a family bed, they rarely get to the point of full-blown crying. There were many mornings when I woke up and couldn't remember how many times, or if, I had nursed the baby during the night.

Hi Mom of 2.5

Here is my situation maybe it will help a bit.

My SS 10 lives with us all summer, holiday breaks, and one weekend a month. We also have a 3-year-old daughter together that is obviously with us full time. My stepson has always had his own room despite him being here not that often. We do hope that one day he will come live here full time, but that is not really the point. We always let him have his own room because 1. We had the space. 2. He is the oldest and it would not be fair to make him share with a baby.

We also recently bought a home and bought a 4 bedroom also. We had hoped for a 5 bedroom but fell in love with our home so bought it. We have it set up so that SS has his own room and DD has her own room. My SS was disappointed he did not get a basement bedroom suite, but he will have to get over it. We have one spare bedroom that we decided to leave empty for future use. It happens to be the biggest bedroom besides ours. We left it empty so that we do not have to kick anyone out of it when there is a baby here. We are planning on having two more and decided since they will be closest in age they can share. If they are a boy and girl they will be fine with it until they are older and by then SS will be in college and we will switch the rooms around. Sorry this is long. So anyway, my SS does have his own room, bed, belongings and all of that, but it works out for us.

I think that for you guys you should just ask your dh where he plans on keeping the baby. Obviously if your ss is sharing with ds than it affects your ds too and is not favoring anyone. Really what 6 or 5 year old will want to share a room with a baby. Maybe you should start telling them they can have a room together and design it together. Maybe they can get the biggest room. Maybe they could get bunk beds or lofted beds with desks. I am sure they would much rather share a room with each other than a little baby that cries. Sorry this was so long. Good luck.

"My husband rarely woke up when the babies cried, even though he was right next to them in bed - of course, with a family bed, they rarely get to the point of full-blown crying. There were many mornings when I woke up and couldn't remember how many times, or if, I had nursed the baby during the night."

I agree on this one..it brings back such fond memories lol! I think husbands have a unique ability to sleep through a baby crying (at least mine did w/ two babies!) Baby sharinga room w mom &dad isnt a bad thing at all, it woul work for a while...

Okay, before I weigh in on this I should at least put out the disclaimer that I've never had kids, I'm an only child, and my visitation set-up was average 2x/yr for a week or two at a time because my Dad has always lived out of state. So I might not really know what I'm talking about, but so far these are my thoughts on the subject, just based on other families I know and what I've seen/experienced:

-Of highest priority in a blended family, for everyone involved, is that as much as possible, nobody feels like an outsider or "less" part of the family than anyone else. An EOW SK having their own room would be a wonderful way to truly live out the message that they are not just a dangling appendage to be "squeezed in" when/if there's room after the "real household" is arranged. It's one choice of many that can establish inclusiveness in a very real way. But it's not always possible, and it's not the only way the message can be established. Like so many other things: IF IT'S DO-ABLE, then certainly do it, because if not it will be wondered why it was more important to have a separate "playroom" or "laundry room" or "sewing room" than for one of the members of the family to have a private room if everyone else does. (If not every kid has a private room to begin with, it's obviously less of an issue.)

-Obviously, not everyone can afford to have a separate room for each child and each activity (i.e. "changing room", "playroom", "office", "exercise room", "sewing room"). Most of us can't, kids or no kids. It does occur to me though that it might be a good rule of thumb, to the extent that it's possible to plan, that people shouldn't have more kids than they can afford to adequately and comfortably house. (Not always possible to plan/prevent, especially if you're poor, but it seems like a good general guideline).

-It's just not always going to be possible to give each kid their own room, ***at least without the room serving an additional use***. I do understand the need to double-up the kids and/or the "use" of the room (i.e. EOW SK's room doubling as sewing room, etc.).

-However when this is a necessity, there should be a thought-out system in place with the ruling principle being fairness to all. For example, EOW SK's room doubling as sewing room and not office b/c sewing can usually be put on hold for the weekend, allowing the SK some privacy. And EOW SK's room not doubling as BK's playroom for similar reasons of privacy/noise.

-It's not always going to be possible for each kid to get their own room ***at least all at the same time***. But again, there should be a thought-out and fair system in place for which kids share a room, based on sex, age, and for how long. The status of "step" or "EOW" should not factor into the decision, because that makes it too loaded, it needs to be more impartial than that. It seems clear that kids of the same sex (especially after about 6 years old) should share a room. It also seems clear that the ages should be close together if circumstances permit. It also seems clear that once any kid passes a certain age, or hits puberty, that they then have "seniority" and have earned the right to "graduate" to their own room if a solo room is available.

-Another idea is to have a rotating schedule where each kid gets their own room for a year (or whatever time interval most makes sense). Or, depending on the situation, has to be one of the two who DOESN'T get their own room. (In either case, the oldest should get priority wwith having their own room.) It would be fair and equitable, and it would also be a great way to make sure there was a massive annual cleaning of the rooms, as well as imparting a sense of sharing, the ability to move on, and that "ownership" sometimes comes and goes and they must be flexible.

-Another idea is to have some kind of "contest", fair of course, for who gets the solo room. Like drawing straws or flipping a coin or some other neutral, "chance"-related deciding factor.

-If whatever system chosen is explained to everyone and it is clearly understood that it applies to all equally and that all kids will "get their fair shot" at their own room, then no kid should have a problem with it or feel short-changed.

Those are all just my "general" thoughts on the subject of kids' rooms. In OP's particular situation, I think the room in question should double as SS/baby for the time being, and when SS comes over EOW, the baby either goes in the bedroom with the parents (with a new baby, you're not going to get much sleep or a sex life anyway, it's only EOW and it'll save you a walk down the hall), or in another room, such as an office or existing playroom if there is one, or the den or whatever is most convenient. When SS goes back to BM's, then the baby gets the room. And you keep the most immediately necessary baby items in one of those rolling carts so you can drag it back and forth between rooms with ease. Or you keep an additional set of these items in a big drawer or bin in the alternate room. The baby will be a baby for --what?-- a year or thereabouts, so that's how long you'll have to do this kind of shuffling, and after that, s/he should move into a room with the next youngest child, whichever one that happens to be, step or bio. I'd go ahead and paint the room in question (SS/temporary baby room) in a gender-and-age-neutral color so that it can stay flexible for whoever is in there at any given time. It can be accessorized/chatchkee'd up with toys, objects, posters to personalize it depending on which kid(s) occupy it at which time.

After reading everyone's posts more closely, a few more things I'd add to my comments on OP's situation:

-At this point, daughter definitely needs her own room. Right now she's the only girl, and she's the oldest.
-The two boys are very close in age, so it's harder to "rank" them by age; they are also still quite young, so for these two reasons if they have to share a room for the next few years it will not be the end of the world
-However, once they are about 10, NEITHER boy is going to understand or appreciate why they have to share a room while not only the oldest but the youngest kid get their own rooms (if the baby is a boy, it'll be especially confusing), so in a few years every kid will need their own room. Again, whether this means that SS's room is also the sewing room is less of an issue as each of the kids having their *private* space.
-Right now, as it stands, you have a room in your current house for every existing kid in the family to have their own private room until the time comes for college, which means you can stay in the house as-is indefinitely without adjusting or paying additional for any extra rooms. Your decision to have an additional baby is altering the adequate conditions you have now and your question shouldn't be "does SS need his own room?" but the questions hould instead be: "Do we have room in this house for an additional child? And if we don't, can we move a few things to alter another room to create a 4th child's bedroom? And if not, can we afford to build an additional room or to move to another house where each child can have their own room? Do we even want to move out of this house?" And if the answer to all of these questions is no, then I'd reconsider having the additional child. If your life is already inflexible logistically and financially so that you could not or would not move to a larger house or find ways to create the additional space to accomodate an additional child, it is not likely to be flexible enough logistically or financially for all the myriad other costs and adjustments that come with an additional child. Just my opinion, what I would see as a good rule of thumb when making the decision to have an extra kid...

Thanks to everyone for weighing in :) I did ask my DH where he thought a baby might sleep and he admits he just hadn't thought about it. If/when the time comes it's only logical for the boys to share a room again. It is practicaly impossible to build on to this house as it's built on a hill, and perhaps in a couple years when the market is better we can sell and buy bigger. For now, we'll make the best of what we've got.
When our boys shared a room before they had bunk beds and their own special totes no one else was to touch. They can probably do that again.

I am resistant to paint SS's room in the meantime because at age 9 he still has issues with writing on the walls, but maybe can take him out for a bullitin board and posters to liven it up a bit.

Thanks again.

Well, right now my husband, our two twins (his by birth, my skids) live in a two bedroom apartment. The girls are five and share a room.

We have another little girl on the way that we are having to make room for. The baby will share a room with us untill we can move to a three bedroom. That was the best we could come up with. babies don't REALLY need a nursery....they end up sleeping in the parents room 8 out of 10 times anyway the first 9 or so months.

Personally I don't see the big deal with the boys sharing a room since one isn't even there except for every other weekend. My real concern is this: If hubby is already this defensive over whoes kid get's what maybe a new baby isn't the way to go right now. I'd be worried it was going to turn into a mine vs. yours vs. ours type situation.

Serenity, are you really suggesting that if the parents can't afford a separate bedroom for each child, that they shouldn't have another child? that a separate bedroom is a 'birthright' of sorts?

I shared a bedroom with my sister (18 mo. older) until she went off to college, and I HATED it!
My husband shared a bedroom with his brother (13 mo. older) until he left home and he HATED it!
But that's just the way things were in the 'olden days' when Hubby and I were kids. Remember The Brady Bunch? One room for the girls, one for the boys.
While sharing a bedroom may not be fun, I don't think it's the end of the world, and in fact, think it teaches valuable lessons about consideration, sharing, compromise.

To me, the whole idea that each child should have his/her own bedroom, even when that created a financial hardship on the parents in the form of a bigger house -- It just perpetuates the kind of 'entitlement' issues that seem to be plaguing our society right now.

OP - It sounds to me like Hubby just had a knee-jerk reaction and really hadn't even thought to consider the options. Having the two same-age boys share is the obvious solution for once the baby needs to move out of the master bedroom, and I'm sure he'll come to that same conclusion on his own.

ditto on what sweeby just said

"Serenity, are you really suggesting that if the parents can't afford a separate bedroom for each child, that they shouldn't have another child? that a separate bedroom is a 'birthright' of sorts?"

I guess, in a nutshell, what I'm getting at is that EQUALITY and FAIRNESS is a birthright, yes. Every kid feeling equally a part of the family and their needs considered equally is a birthright, yes. If *every kid* has to share rooms or to go without privacy for the entirety of their time with their siblings and parents, then that's just as equal and fair as if every kid DOES have privacy for the entirety of their time with their family. But these in-between "some have privacy and some don't" situations are less than ideal and ripe for conflict, especially in a blended family. It's often unavoidable, but it's certainly not ideal.

It's one thing for SS and BS to have to share a room because neither can share with the older, female daughter. But there IS an extra room, and now the reason becomes not only that they can't share with a girl, and she as the oldest has 'seniority' and 'older' lifestyle/mentality that merits privacy... but now a little baby who has no 'seniority' or even mental capacity to distinguish Self from Other from floating blobs of color swirling around his/her little head suddenly outranks the boys in terms of privacy needs. And not just because of crying noise and such, but the main problem is that presumably the baby is going to KEEP the private room indefinitely. So we will have the boys outranked by not only the older girl, but also by their younger sibling. If the baby is a girl, that's one thing. But if it's a boy they will wonder why the younger one gets a luxury the older two boys don't have. SS especially will wonder this because BS at least has his privacy and his own space the majority of the time, only having to share it with SS 4 nights a month. SS always has to share, never gets the feeling of having his own space. Or worse: he had it for a little while, but nope, no more. Now there's going to be someone else who's apparently more important, and now there will be no room for him to have his own 'place' so he will just have to be shoved in somewhere and begrudgingly tolerated by the brother whose room he invades a few nights a month.

The point is that no kid should have to feel like just because they are the STEP (or the bio) that they don't merit the same consideration of space, privacy and just a 'place' (literally) in the household as any and all other kids in the family. There is already so much loaded potential for someone to feel short-changed, or 'out-ranked', that yes, I think it's best to avoid risking anyone feeling that way if at all possible.

And again, this is all based on the condition of the family having the means and how they choose to prioritize their expenses. A *TRULY* struggling family, especially in this current economic situation, will not be able to move to another, bigger house tomorrow or next week or perhaps ever. (But they also probably wouldn't be purposely planning on having another mouth to feed.) There's perceived limitations and then there's REAL limitations. There's not thinking you have enough space or means, and then there's REALLY not having enough space or means. The differences really do matter, but even regardless of actual means, I would say (along the lines of the thread Doodle just brought up) that if you can't (or won't) afford extra kids and the costs/adjustments of treating all your kids fairly and providing them each with space, privacy and making sure they all feel equally part of the family and their needs equally provided for, then you really shouldn't have extra kids. Or at least you shouldn't be PLANNING for them (I'm a big fan of birth control) unless/until you know that you can treat them all fairly with a minimum of stress and conflict. The further you have to (or perceive you have to) stretch a limited amount of resources, the more potential for conflicts. Which a blended family already inherently has enough of. When you knowingly, deliberately set up a situation in which resources will not be allocated evenly and therefore somebody has to lose out, you are knowingly setting up everyone for a conflict and for somebody to feel short-changed and like the outsider. Why would somebody knowingly do that, presuming they have the choice? But if you know you can provide each child with their own room, then that conflict at least is nonexistent and no one has to feel like the outsider. Creating and/or buying space for every kid to have some privacy in the house is the first decision/sacrifice of many, a relatively simple first step considering all the other many expenses and adjustments you will be taking on (and making everyone else take on) for each new kid you decide to have. That's why I say it's a good guideline because it's practical as well as symbolic. If you can't make THAT situation work fairly for everyone, then you're going to have trouble keeping things flexible, workable and equitable in the ever-expanding blending family in the future. That's all I'm saying...

So I guess another relevant question here would be: "is an entire private bedroom for a newborn baby a birthright?"

The two boys may actually like the idea of room sharing though. Maybe they should be asked for their thoughts on it.

I also like the idea of maybe getting them loft beds, so that they each can have "the top bunk" with their own private space under their bed, if they have to share. If the room is big enough, there can even be a cube divider down the middle for storage, and for separation of space.

when the room thing WONT work well is if the two boys dont want to share, or if they have totally different personalities and are forced into a share situation.

When my husbands ex remarried, she married a guy with two daughters that he had joint custody of. He had a four bedroom house. Each of his daughters had their own room, and there was a spare. Upon marrying my husbands ex, she moved in with my stepson and stepdaughter. The stepson got his own room ( the spare) but the stepdaughter had to share with her stepsister, who was the same age. No problem right?

WRONG. The two girls are polar opposites. One is a girly girl, the other prefers camo. One is neat, the other is a slob. My stepdaughter had no choice, she had to take the bottom bunk. She hates it. She wasnt allowed to change anything in the room, not the bedspreads, not hanging posters, nothing. She was very much made to feel a guest rather than a family member

At our home, all of my kids and now my stepkids had their own room, even though we had to create a small 8x8 room by drywalling over part of a much larger room, adding a window and door, for my youngest stepson in our last house. IN our current house, we have five bedrooms and only one child still home full time, and my two stepkids half time. Each has their own room and we still have a guest room for when one of the other kids are over ( which is often).

I also have allowed all of my kids, including foster and step, to decorate their own room as they choose, even if i dont agree with their choices. I have had some pretty bizarre combinations at one time or another. One of my sons fell in love with purple when he was about seven. Bright purple walls with red furniture. Ugh. My stepdaughter has done most of her room in bubble gum pink. Ugh. Now she has grown and has changed her style so we did it in a more tasteful manner, again her choice of colours, but it was TOUGH for a few years. ANd one of my kids in his senior year of high school, wanted an all black room. I dont think he had a clue how hard it was going to be to keep dirt from showing on the carpet and bedspreads, nor how dark black walls would be. Ugh .

But, their space, their choice. It was a good life lesson for all of them, and also helped them feel as if they had a say.

I think kids have become far, far too spoiled if this is viewed at as an issue. The girl obviously gets her own room as the only girl. Of the additional three children (let's assume #3 is here) someone has to share a room. Even if the baby is a boy it makes no sense to have a newborn share a room with an 8-10 year old. Plus, which boy would share the room with the newborn? The child who is there all week and most weekends, leaving a bedroom empty most the time while a pre-teen is subjected to a newborn? The child who only lives there EO weekend? Won't he feel punished being put in with the baby rather than the stepbrother who is his age? Is it really workable to have an 8 year old share with a newborn (and then a 12 year old share with a 4 year old?)? This is the same reason the girl shouldn't share with the baby if it happens to be a giel. So what if the 2 middle kids share while the baby and oldest get their own room, it makes sense in this particular family.

I chalk this up to one of those "you are in a family and sometimes you have to share and don't get everything you want" moments.

I think the tricky part is how you are going to coordinate the move out of the future baby room into the boys' room.

My children had to share a room during large parts of their childhood, and one thing I would have done differently if I had it to do over would have been to have done whatever was necessary to make sure that they each had their own room. It was fine when the oldest two were two and four or so to share, but certainly by 8 they all would have benefited from having their own space. I discovered that they got along much better, and were much happier and calmer when they had their own room. Sometimes it was like having a different child.

We have a six bedroom home and 3 kids, yet the two boys (7 and 4) share a room. Why? Because they want to. I see no reason not to honor this request.

I think it makes sense to look at this as a kids issue and not a stepkids and biokids issue. For example, we have a four-bedroom house and three children. So there is no problem with sharing rooms. However, my husband and I did discuss the possibility of having another child. What would happen then?

SD15 would still have her own room, as she is the oldest. BDs5 and 2 would share the largest room. And baby would get its own room, the smallest one in the house.

How is this not fair? BDs are close enough in age that sharing should not be a hardship. My sister and I are 3.5 years apart and we shared until I was in 7th grade. SD is rarely there (she moved to live with BM and rarely visits). But I wouldn't displace her completely. In a couple of years she will be grown, and then we would reassess the room situation. But babies DO need their own space that is cozy, quiet, and safe for them. My babies only spent the first month or so in my room. They need a quiet place to sleep.

I think the problem here is that your husband is viewing it as HIS kid vs. the other kids. And that's just wrong.