My 'X's' many mistresses

17 years ago

There has been much talk about "cheating" on this forum. There has been much talk about when a person is "free", when marriage is really "over" and on and on and on.

My XH had many mistresses. One was named "Music". He played a guitar and spent as much time with his musician friends as he could. Another was named "Art". He was an artist and had he own room in the house which was in the basement. He spent much of the time that he was home down there. Another one and the most destructive mistress of all, went by the name of "Alcohol". She came a long a couple of years after we met and slowly took over everything in our life. She kept him away from home and at the bars. She followed him home and moved into our house and to my knowledge she still lives with him and his 3rd wife. "Alcohol" came before everything in our marriage. Before me, before our kids, before everything.

While my XH spent all of his time and energy and our money on his "Mistresses" I raised my SD and tried to give her as stable and as loving a home as I could. When my children were born I decided I couldn't cover up their father's "affairs" any longer and I left. NOW.....when was the marriage over? We had promised to love and honor each other....was it over when those vows were broken? Was it over when he left me alone day after day to be with someone and something else? Was it over when the ink was dry on the papers? When you have been hurt, like I was, is it ever really over?

If I had sought the comfort in another man's arms would I have been wrong? Two wrongs don't make a right but would anyone have blamed me?

My "X' would stop sex in the middle of the act and yell at me for not doing it right? Was it over then? When he would start drinking at 10 in morning on a Saturday and I would count the number of beers so I would know how I should behave that night was it over then?

I believe that marriage is sacred. That you should honor your vows and be faithful. For me, at this time in my life, I obey God. At that time in my life I was lost and abused. Whatever I did or didn't do is in the past. No do overs on that one.......That marriage was over before it began and I tried to fix it, piece together, pretend, hide things from people and so on. No one, and I mean NO ONE can judge me or anyone else for what they did or didn't do in a marriage that they themselves didn't live through.

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Comments (8)

imamommy
17 years ago
AMEN!!!
finedreams
17 years ago
yes, agree, it is always better not to judge because we do not know what people go through. some people do live in such abusive marriages that i would consider cheating a minor offense compare to what these people have to go through. and yes some people are scared to file for divorce (scared of losing children in a custody battle for example, or simply scared of abusive spouses etc)
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believer
Original Author
17 years ago
Even with all that I went through in my first marriage filing for divorce was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I didn't want to hurt my XH even though I couldn't stay married to him any longer. He begged and hounded me and it was an awful thing to go through but I have not questioned one time whether or not I did the right thing. People, even my own family, were shocked when they heard the news. I had kept everything to myself and never aired our dirty laundry to anyone.

It bothers me when some people think that divorcing is an easy thing and you do it on a whim. Or that remarriage is something that you might have rushed into. I was single for 12 years. He, on the other hand, married one week after the divorce was final.

As a child I lived in a household where my parents fought on a daily bases. If they were together, they were fighting. I wished that they had divorced. I wanted them to. They never did and they fought like dogs until my dad got sick and he died 6 weeks later. My mother was mad at him until she died 14 months later because of all the crap that happened in their marriage. Sometimes divorce is the only answer. It would have been better for me as a child if my parents had and my kids are better off that I divorced their dad. If you ask them they will tell you the same thing. He would have ruined them.

Anyone that wants to live those 14 years of my 1st marriage can go for it. I'd like to see how they would come out of it.

Life is hard and you need to do the best you can. I can honestly say that I have. I don't need to hear that someone else doesn't think I have especially when they don't even know me. Kindness and advice from experience is what we need here. If people don't have that to give then they should go some place where they can get the help that they need. And believe me, they need it.
theotherside
17 years ago
You do not have to be in the same situation to "judge." People judge others all the time without having been in the exact same circumstances - otherwise someone who murdered their spouse could not receive a fair trial unless all twelve members of the jury had abusive spouses such as she/he claimed to have.

How can you even consider jumping from "it was ok to leave my awful husband" to "it would have been ok to cheat on him." No matter how much of a jerk he was, it would not be ok to cheat, or to abscond with his life savings, or to murder him.
mom2emall
17 years ago
Today I was in a restaurant meeting a friend for lunch. As I waited at the table with ss I heard the couple behind me talking. The dh was an absolute A**!! I heard him tell her "there is a light menu for you". Wife replied that she had something else in mind. When the waitress came dh ordered for her and I could see the expression on her face of sadness. Then I heard him tell her after the waitress walked away that she needed to watch her weight. She told him he needed to watch his drinking and then he told her that what he did was none of her f-ing business. Then I heard him tell their toddler "NO you do not need that breadstick, you wanna get fat like your mom?".

Besides the fact that he was a jerk she was skinny!!!

I felt so bad for this woman.
justnotmartha
17 years ago
I think I would have picked up a bread stick and threw it at him. A$$holes like that make my skin crawl, and usually my snide and sarcastic tongue go into over drive. Can you imagine the life his poor child has in front of her?

So sad.
theotherside
17 years ago
Does she have the right to tell her husband what he can do with that breadstick? Absolutely. But does she have the right to cheat on him? I firmly believe that she does not.
justnotmartha
17 years ago
Nah - but I firmly believe she can take the lamp to him!!

My 'X's' many mistresses

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imamommy

finedreams

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My 'X's' many mistresses

Comments (8)

imamommy

finedreams

Related Discussions

believerOriginal Author

theotherside

mom2emall

justnotmartha

theotherside

justnotmartha

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BUSINESS SERVICES

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CONNECT WITH US

believer
Original Author