To all of you 'Wicked Witches' out there

19 years ago

Life isn't exactly what you expected is it? I know mine isn't... I remember looking down at my new born baby boy thinking "We are going to have the best life together little one" His father left me shortly after his birth. (Which was a blessing) I was alone for nearly three years... Just my boy and me. I began to date my current husband when I was 20. He was everything I wanted in a man. He swept me off my feet. I couldn't resist his boyish charm. He told me his three girls lived with him and I was so excited, couldn't wait to dress them up and curl their hair... Then I met them, they were everything I had dreamed of beautiful and sweet. Until bio-mom found out Daddy had a girlfriend. Suddenly the littlest one wouldn't listen to me saying "My mommy said I don't have to." Then came DHS and court where we were granted sole custody due to the abuse their mother inflicted on them. Since then she has refused any contact with her children, instead running her life as a single person without a care in the world. Everything went smoothe for awhile then Teenager syndrome hit... Suddenly I was the wicked witch. How dare I ask them to do chores! How dare I ask them to clean their room. From what I was told by people whom spoke with my eldest step daughter I was a horrible two headed monster that locked her in a dungeoun and gave her only bread and water to live on!!!! Oh the horror! Oh the hurtfull things she said. Truth be told all children go through this, I can remember hating my parents when I was a teen. The problem with step children is we take this hurt very personally. I felt like hey, I gave up ALOT to help you through life... we took on 3 extra kids and gave them every opportunity we could. And they just spit in your face and walk all over you. Then my mother told me something that helped she said Honey if they don't hate you when they're teens, you're probably not doing your job as their mother. It is now much better we have on off to college and their is peace amongst the house. (Most of the time) I had to realize that to be hated by them was an honor, it means they had totally accepted me as their mother. In my case these children are not biologically my husband either. But we are their parents.. Even if we are horrible trolls in their eyes. One day they will see that we were in a very difficult situation and did the best with what we had. So remember all of you out there to realize that as wicked as we are you were probably no picnic either.

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Comments (6)

sweeby
19 years ago
"Honey if they don't hate you when they're teens, you're probably not doing your job as their mother."

Very wise words...

I think hating the step parents also plays an important role in the psychological makeup of children of divorce. Their loyalties are so torn. I know my stepkids blame me for every unpopular decision their father and I make. Dad gets all the credit for good ones; I get all the blame for bad ones. That way, they can keep their father "the good guy" and simplify their emotional lives.

How does it make me feel? "Just doin' my job, ma'am."
eandhl
19 years ago
sandstone, your mom sounds like a wise woman and you take after her.
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organic_maria
19 years ago
:) Wise words indeed! I like what your mom said. That we are doing our job when they hate us as teens. I will remember that when my stepkids get into the teen phase.
sandstone
Original Author
19 years ago
Well our situation is a little different than most, the bio-mom hasn't been seen or heard from in six years.... But it doesn't matter, when teens are angry they blame the ones close to them. In their eyes I am the wicked step mother... Oh well life is full of ups and downs... Have I made mistakes? I'm sure I have. Being a step-parent is not one of them. My girls are wonderful. Yes there are times I want to choke them.... That goes for my biological children as well though. I love being a mother most of the time.... :) I just feel sometimes it's like climbing a muddy embankment.... just when you think you're at the top you slide all the way to the bottom.... Unfortunately in alot of situations the step-parent is purposely excluded by the children and the bio-parent allows it. Then when the step-parent dare say anything the child strikes back with She's always mean to me.... In most cases if examined you would find mistakes made by both parties...
sweetannie
19 years ago
Sandstone, I think you have an important point in calling your situation "different." It isn't, really. We do have to take into consideration that there are some different characteristics in each "step" situation, and try to blend it all together - what is typical step stuff, what is unique to our own situation and what it just typical parenting stuff, divorced or not. It's really hard at times to get it all figured out.

I also think that when we are dealing with children who are wounded by a previously dysfunctional family and became divorced, that when one of the parents takes on a new spouse or partner, that partner can become the target of all the wounded feelings and upset in the kids, whether the kids are children or adult children. Most of the time, the new parent isn't prepared to be the target of all this wrath or see the parent of the childdren be treated so badly. It's a tough and upsetting time.

All I can say is read as much as you can and if you can find a group (or create one!) as a place to vent, collect information and regain balance, do!

Most of all, it takes time. Family and relationship dysfunction didn't happen overnight. Rebalancing and bringing love into the equation is a long, patience-testing process.
crazytastysgirl
19 years ago
I am bio-mom of 4 (13 g, 10 b, 7 b, & 5 b) and step-mom of 2 (14 b & 11 b). My oldest SS lives with us. I had taken SS over to DH's moms house to visit by himself one day, and when I return DH's mom asked to talk to me in the garage. I thought "Oh S**T, what did I do now?!" She put her arm around my shoulder and kissed me on the cheek. I looked at her confused and she said that SS said "She's the mom I have never ever had!" I bawled! I hadn't been easy on the boy. He had gotten into so much trouble at school the first few months that my DH and I moved in together and was really struggling in school. I made him do homework (Ouch) and when he was failing classes still, I spoke with my DH and we pulled him from football (that did sting). Still, he respected me! Because I cared enough to diappline and not let him run wild! Just had to share!

To all of you 'Wicked Witches' out there

Comments (6)

sweeby

eandhl

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To all of you 'Wicked Witches' out there

Comments (6)

sweeby

eandhl

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sandstoneOriginal Author

sweetannie

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sandstone
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