SD being abused at home with BM and Step Dad

17 years ago

Background: My SD is 1 of 4 children that BM has. Only two of the children have the same father and SD is in the middle. SD has and older brother with Daddy 1, and older sister with Daddy 2 and a younger sister with Daddy 2.

DH and BM were married for a little over a year and during that time had SD. Since then they split up, and years later DH and I married and have had a son who is now 18 months.

SD lives 2 states away, so visitation is usually weeks - months at a time.

Present:

SD came to stay with us for the summer. After she was here for a week or so, she started to tell me how her Step Dad is "mean" to her and her older brother. These stories turned into how he has strangled them, picked them up and thrown them on the ground and hit them when they were being "bad". I passed this information along to DH.

Not even a day later, DH talked to BM only to find out that BM had left Step dad because she found out through BM's sister that Step dad was hurting the kids. So DH tells BM what SD has been telling us as well.

The summer played out well, we had a lot of fun together and SD seemed excited to go home, but even though she knew Step Dad wouldn't be there when she got home she was pretty sure he would be back. She never acted like she wouldnt see him again and talked about him like he would be there.

SD has been home for 3 weeks now and we found out this past weekend that Step Dad is back. BM says that Step dad is back on his anti depressant meds (what?!!) and that her hours at work have changed so that Step dad will not be alone with the kids anymore. Also, somehow DCFS found out about this so there is a case worker involve, but she does not say that she contacted them.. I think BM's sister did.

DH feels that he can do nothing about this. We can't force BM to kick Step Dad out again, we know she can not take care of 4 kids on her own. We sent BM as much extra money as we could to try to help, even though SD was with us at the time. DH asked BM for the case workers information so that he can talk to them, but she refuses to give the info. BM is afraid that we are going to try to take SD away from her, but this is not our plan. We just want SD to be safe.

Any suggestions?

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Comments (12)

mom2emall
17 years ago
I would think you can call DCFS on your own to find out information. This is his child too! And he has every right to be concerned about a man who has been physically abusive to his daughter living under the same roof as her.

Have your husband call DCFS himself and get to the bottom of it.

And I think that if sd is telling you she is being abused physically by this man again that you could go get her and get an emergency order of protection against her mom and sd. Her mom is allowing the abuse to happen so sd would need to be protected from her as well as sd!
kkny
17 years ago
I would not only call, I would send certified letter to DCFS. I would also notify her teachers to be on the lookout for any abuse.
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believer
17 years ago
There is no way that you and DH can sit by and do nothing. I am biting my tongue on this one. Follow the suggestions of the other posts and get moving....now.
imamommy
17 years ago
"BM is afraid that we are going to try to take SD away from her, but this is not our plan."

IT SHOULD BE.

Your DH should have petitioned the court for custody and asked for an emergency protection order for his child. Who cares if mom thinks he is trying to take the child away from her? He should! She isn't protecting her child and he will look like a neglectful parent if he sits by and does nothing. Let a Judge decide if it's in the child's best interest to be in that situation and you do not need an attorney.

He can also contact DCFS himself and speak to the worker/supervisor, although they probably won't divulge any information on mom. He can share his concerns and if they decide to remove the children, he should get first option to take his child.
mom1sm2
17 years ago
The emotional problems that stem from abuse of all sorts is extensive. GET THAT KID OUT OF THERE LIKE TODAY!
mom_of_4
17 years ago
I am sorry but if my child was being abused there is no court in this land that could force me to allow my child to stay in that situation. If I were him I would have been on the next flight out there and taken my daughter with me.... legal or not... I couldnt care less.

But on the more legal route... he should absolutely petition for emergency custody and he should be trying to get his daughter the h*** out of there pronto!! Kids are told over and over again at school and every where else when someone does something to hurt you tell a trusted adult. Most kids never do this for various reasons. Your SD did. She has sent out her cry for help.... Dad needs to get off his butt and do something about. And, honestly I could care less if mom is afraid you are going to take her child away. She should be afraid and ashamed. She knows that this man was harming her children .. she even left... but now she let him back into her home.. her children's lives knowing that he is not only capable of hurting them... but has done so before. There are programs out there to help mothers out of sitations like these... "not being able to take care of 4 kids on her own" is not a good enough excuse. Infact, there isnt a good enough excuse to place your children in that kind of harms way. There is NEVER nothing you can do about your child being abused.
stargazzer
17 years ago
I agree with the above advice. Do something now!
kkny
17 years ago
I agree with Ima, if the child is being abused the Dad must try to get her out of there. He can start with the nice way -- as in X, I know you have 4 children, and it is a lot of pressure, how about my kids staying with me for a while. Or he can try the tough way -- as in filing a petition with family court.
justnotmartha
17 years ago
You pretty much just repeated the story of how DH got emergency custody of my SD. DCFS was not involved, but BM filed two different restraining orders outlining what her BF was doing, yet she kept letting him back in the house. DH asked to take SD for while so BM could sort things out, but she refused. He then turned to the courts. After the first r. order a judge said to "give mom another chance." After the 2nd one the judge said to drive straight to daycare and take her immediately.

"In fact, there isn't a good enough excuse to place your children in that kind of harms way. There is NEVER nothing you can do about your child being abused."

Exactly, mom of 4.
pfllh
17 years ago
I don't post but read this as my grandson has a stepfather. His BF said he'd pick him up to have an afternoon together 5 years ago, didn't show up and hasn't contacted him since.
My concern is everyone saying to get the daughter out of there. The daughter stated her brother is being abused too. Both need out of the situation.
These are children. BF needs to take care of those children. Obviously the BM isn't going to.
I'm not going to be as nice as the rest of you. Can't do anything is a cop-out. That is acting like a spermdonor and you just send extra money to help. That too is a cop-out. Not your problem as not effecting your household.
When children need help and you do nothing, don't complain if the next time you send money it's for a funeral. Good Lord, he's choking them and throwing them around. When is enough, ENOUGH?
Talk to her sister and you just may get a big shock to learn what those children have been through.
Lynn
fiveinall
17 years ago
"I am sorry but if my child was being abused there is no court in this land that could force me to allow my child to stay in that situation. If I were him I would have been on the next flight out there and taken my daughter with me.... legal or not... I couldnt care less."

Exactly..and that is exactly what my DH did 10 years ago for my SD she was an infant at the time,DH found out about abuse and was on the next plane to go get her.. (we have full legal/physical custody now) .....he was arrested when they landed back in our home state for parental kidnapping (long story but it all worked out)..but if you ask him even to this day he would tell you it was worth a night in jail to be certain his little girl was safe...he would do it again in a heartbeat...because that is what a parent does..you would lay down in front of a bus for your kids.... You have many LEGAL options available to you...you will be neglecting your SD by not taking the proper legal route and getting your SD out of there!
loladoon
17 years ago
Your husband has enough reason to go to court and file for reversal of custody. If he wants custody of his child, he can get it, but it will cost $$$$.

SD being abused at home with BM and Step Dad

Comments (12)

mom2emall

kkny

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