SD being abused at home with BM and Step Dad

15 years ago

Background: My SD is 1 of 4 children that BM has. Only two of the children have the same father and SD is in the middle. SD has and older brother with Daddy 1, and older sister with Daddy 2 and a younger sister with Daddy 2.

DH and BM were married for a little over a year and during that time had SD. Since then they split up, and years later DH and I married and have had a son who is now 18 months.

SD lives 2 states away, so visitation is usually weeks - months at a time.

Present:

SD came to stay with us for the summer. After she was here for a week or so, she started to tell me how her Step Dad is "mean" to her and her older brother. These stories turned into how he has strangled them, picked them up and thrown them on the ground and hit them when they were being "bad". I passed this information along to DH.

Not even a day later, DH talked to BM only to find out that BM had left Step dad because she found out through BM's sister that Step dad was hurting the kids. So DH tells BM what SD has been telling us as well.

The summer played out well, we had a lot of fun together and SD seemed excited to go home, but even though she knew Step Dad wouldn't be there when she got home she was pretty sure he would be back. She never acted like she wouldnt see him again and talked about him like he would be there.

SD has been home for 3 weeks now and we found out this past weekend that Step Dad is back. BM says that Step dad is back on his anti depressant meds (what?!!) and that her hours at work have changed so that Step dad will not be alone with the kids anymore. Also, somehow DCFS found out about this so there is a case worker involve, but she does not say that she contacted them.. I think BM's sister did.

DH feels that he can do nothing about this. We can't force BM to kick Step Dad out again, we know she can not take care of 4 kids on her own. We sent BM as much extra money as we could to try to help, even though SD was with us at the time. DH asked BM for the case workers information so that he can talk to them, but she refuses to give the info. BM is afraid that we are going to try to take SD away from her, but this is not our plan. We just want SD to be safe.

Any suggestions?

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (12)

mom2emall
15 years ago
I would think you can call DCFS on your own to find out information. This is his child too! And he has every right to be concerned about a man who has been physically abusive to his daughter living under the same roof as her.

Have your husband call DCFS himself and get to the bottom of it.

And I think that if sd is telling you she is being abused physically by this man again that you could go get her and get an emergency order of protection against her mom and sd. Her mom is allowing the abuse to happen so sd would need to be protected from her as well as sd!
kkny
15 years ago
I would not only call, I would send certified letter to DCFS. I would also notify her teachers to be on the lookout for any abuse.
Related Discussions
Discipline of SD how to make BM on board?
Q
Comments (2)
"So last night my DH found that the 12 year old SD had posted pictures of herself and videos on the internet complete with links to the school she goes to. Obviously really stupid as any predator has a roadmap to her. She had a myspace page before we knew about but violated rules set up for it and it was deleted. Now she secretly set all this up and says nothing." Also, when it comes to kids and rules, and what is or isn't allowed, kids can be maddeningly LITERAL... especially if they don't fully understand the underlying logic or reason for the rule. So in your case you may have specifically told her that a MYSPACE page wasn't allowed, but she's found a loophole by making it A DIFFERENT Internet page. If it wasn't made clear enough (which of course I don't know if it was or wasn't), then she may be very confused as to why she should be punished. And to some extent understandably so. But if she in fact broke a clearly-stated rule (with clearly-stated logic behind it), then yes, she should have some sort of consequence. Otherwise, punishment is not always the best course of action. And neither is a scare tactic for MINOR things, but a scare tactic in this case is warranted because you're explaining to her a very real danger that she's exposing herself to. She needs to be aware and informed about risks she takes and how to take proper precautions.
...See More
where should SD be?
Q
Comments (18)
Thanks all for the imput. I kinda danced around the issue with SD the other night "so with dad gone would you want to spend those nights with mom?" and she gave me a look like 'are you nuts' before stating 'NO!' So I guess we wouldn't have to worry about her, it would just be what BM thought when she found out. Turns out that we don't need to sweat it though - DH opted against the job. He wants to be able to coach the boy's sports teams and be here for their school things - they are too young for him to miss out on the important stuff that will be such a big deal to them. I have to say I was releaved - I told him to take it if he wanted and we would make it work, but I didn't really want him to. Truthfully I like having him home and would prefer he didn't go back to work at all, but he's starting to go stir crazy. He needs a job for the sanity!! Side note - DH does have custody and BM gives about $100/mo in support. We know we will be covering college!
...See More
BM manipulating SD
Q
Comments (38)
I guess I'm still not explaining the situation quite right... We would definitely never purposely schedule something on BM's weekends. I do completely understand that BM has limited time with SD. However, for example... SD is involved in volleyball. This is a 3 month activity. It just happened that 1 game fell on BM's weekend. BM threw a fit and went on an on about not "scheduling" things on her weekend (???? how did WE schedule it on HER weekend???). She refused to come to WI for the visit that 1 weekend, watch the game for an hour, and then have SD for the rest of the weekend. She was notified about this 1 month in advance, so plenty of time to plan ahead. SD is part of a team, and therefore is expected to be at all of the games. We had to explain the situation to the coach, who was luckily understanding and allowed her to miss the game. Other instances include things like daughter being in 4H. This is a year-long activity. The county fair is when a child gets recognition for programs, projects, and animals they have been working with all year. BM has an absolute fit every year because the fair tends to fall on her weekend.... again, stating DH cannot schedule things on HER weekend???? These are things that are ongoing and that we have no control over. SD is in band; every year there is a solo and ensembles competition... sometimes it falls on BM's weekend. This would be something that SD has worked on for 6 months!!!! These are just a few examples of the kinds of things that we cannot control the scheduling of, SD has worked on for months and months.... and it just happens that they might fall on BM's weekend here and there. Instead of being proud of SD and finding this as an opportunity to use to see SD accomplishments and be there for some of these events, she makes a big deal out of it, and even made SD miss her volleyball game because she would not switch the weekend OR come to watch the game and then take SD afterwards. It is just frustrating because I also have an X, although he is very willing to work around kids' schedules. To him, it doesn't matter when they come, just that they come... As he says, it is the same amount of time either way. We have tried to explain this to BM, but she just doesn't get it. Why must it be so difficult to allow your children to be involved in good, wholesome activities as teenagers? No one has ever asked BM to GIVE UP any of her time, just occasionally rearrange it or even come and watch and participate in SD's activities, in fact has been invited to come for a visit on DH's weekend, just to include her in SD's activities. I really believe it comes down to an issue of power.... She believes that she must have all control over everything that happens on HER weekends, no matter what!
...See More
sd has pix of bm all over the walls!
Q
Comments (5)
I read your post and I really felt for you. You're obviously trying very hard to help your SD integrate into your family and learn some basic life skills, but you're not getting enough support. From your description of the situation, it sounds as though your husband's parenting skills are very weak. Your SD is in need of guidance, but you need him to stand by you and start enforcing rules about hygiene, table manners, family involvement and courtesy. Also, it sounds as though your SD is struggling to cope with reality and find her own sense of self. The pictures of the BM, the focus on the "past" (probably an illusion) - none of it sounds real. None of it is helping her to build a future. These are big problems and I think that you would benefit from some couples counselling. Also, I think that your SD should get some help as well. As a teacher, I'm sure that you've seen kids derail over the years. Do any of them remind you of your SD?
...See More
believer
15 years ago
There is no way that you and DH can sit by and do nothing. I am biting my tongue on this one. Follow the suggestions of the other posts and get moving....now.
imamommy
15 years ago
"BM is afraid that we are going to try to take SD away from her, but this is not our plan."

IT SHOULD BE.

Your DH should have petitioned the court for custody and asked for an emergency protection order for his child. Who cares if mom thinks he is trying to take the child away from her? He should! She isn't protecting her child and he will look like a neglectful parent if he sits by and does nothing. Let a Judge decide if it's in the child's best interest to be in that situation and you do not need an attorney.

He can also contact DCFS himself and speak to the worker/supervisor, although they probably won't divulge any information on mom. He can share his concerns and if they decide to remove the children, he should get first option to take his child.
mom1sm2
15 years ago
The emotional problems that stem from abuse of all sorts is extensive. GET THAT KID OUT OF THERE LIKE TODAY!
mom_of_4
15 years ago
I am sorry but if my child was being abused there is no court in this land that could force me to allow my child to stay in that situation. If I were him I would have been on the next flight out there and taken my daughter with me.... legal or not... I couldnt care less.

But on the more legal route... he should absolutely petition for emergency custody and he should be trying to get his daughter the h*** out of there pronto!! Kids are told over and over again at school and every where else when someone does something to hurt you tell a trusted adult. Most kids never do this for various reasons. Your SD did. She has sent out her cry for help.... Dad needs to get off his butt and do something about. And, honestly I could care less if mom is afraid you are going to take her child away. She should be afraid and ashamed. She knows that this man was harming her children .. she even left... but now she let him back into her home.. her children's lives knowing that he is not only capable of hurting them... but has done so before. There are programs out there to help mothers out of sitations like these... "not being able to take care of 4 kids on her own" is not a good enough excuse. Infact, there isnt a good enough excuse to place your children in that kind of harms way. There is NEVER nothing you can do about your child being abused.
stargazzer
15 years ago
I agree with the above advice. Do something now!
kkny
15 years ago
I agree with Ima, if the child is being abused the Dad must try to get her out of there. He can start with the nice way -- as in X, I know you have 4 children, and it is a lot of pressure, how about my kids staying with me for a while. Or he can try the tough way -- as in filing a petition with family court.
justnotmartha
15 years ago
You pretty much just repeated the story of how DH got emergency custody of my SD. DCFS was not involved, but BM filed two different restraining orders outlining what her BF was doing, yet she kept letting him back in the house. DH asked to take SD for while so BM could sort things out, but she refused. He then turned to the courts. After the first r. order a judge said to "give mom another chance." After the 2nd one the judge said to drive straight to daycare and take her immediately.

"In fact, there isn't a good enough excuse to place your children in that kind of harms way. There is NEVER nothing you can do about your child being abused."

Exactly, mom of 4.
pfllh
15 years ago
I don't post but read this as my grandson has a stepfather. His BF said he'd pick him up to have an afternoon together 5 years ago, didn't show up and hasn't contacted him since.
My concern is everyone saying to get the daughter out of there. The daughter stated her brother is being abused too. Both need out of the situation.
These are children. BF needs to take care of those children. Obviously the BM isn't going to.
I'm not going to be as nice as the rest of you. Can't do anything is a cop-out. That is acting like a spermdonor and you just send extra money to help. That too is a cop-out. Not your problem as not effecting your household.
When children need help and you do nothing, don't complain if the next time you send money it's for a funeral. Good Lord, he's choking them and throwing them around. When is enough, ENOUGH?
Talk to her sister and you just may get a big shock to learn what those children have been through.
Lynn
fiveinall
15 years ago
"I am sorry but if my child was being abused there is no court in this land that could force me to allow my child to stay in that situation. If I were him I would have been on the next flight out there and taken my daughter with me.... legal or not... I couldnt care less."

Exactly..and that is exactly what my DH did 10 years ago for my SD she was an infant at the time,DH found out about abuse and was on the next plane to go get her.. (we have full legal/physical custody now) .....he was arrested when they landed back in our home state for parental kidnapping (long story but it all worked out)..but if you ask him even to this day he would tell you it was worth a night in jail to be certain his little girl was safe...he would do it again in a heartbeat...because that is what a parent does..you would lay down in front of a bus for your kids.... You have many LEGAL options available to you...you will be neglecting your SD by not taking the proper legal route and getting your SD out of there!
loladoon
15 years ago
Your husband has enough reason to go to court and file for reversal of custody. If he wants custody of his child, he can get it, but it will cost $$$$.

SD being abused at home with BM and Step Dad

Comments (12)

mom2emall

kkny

Related Discussions

believer

imamommy

mom1sm2

mom_of_4

stargazzer

kkny

justnotmartha

pfllh

fiveinall

loladoon

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US