A liitle help or advice or something?

16 years ago

Hi all, I come seeking some kind of advice or words of wisdom. I have been a single mother of two wonderful children for the last 6 years. In those six years I only dated one man and the relationship didn't really go anywhere. But now I have meet someone who truely takes my breath away. We are engaged, but it seems like the longer we are engaged the less I want to get married. Hes great in almost every way. So whats the problem? I can't stand his children. He has two sons, one is eight and the other is five. Their mother is out of the picture, so dad has had to raise them. They are rude, lazy, selfish children who get away with everything. The oldest failed second grade and has a bed wetting problem. I have installed in my children the importance of education, so it bothered me a lot when this child was not reprimended by his father. Instead his dads main priority has been keeping it a secret from grandpa, who happens to hold a ph.d and works in education. The bed wetting issue is horriable as well. Neither dad or son cleans it up, so the house has began to smell like urine. The blankets are stuffed in the closet. Sometimes I wonder if the smell even bothers them. It seems as if me and my children are the only ones bothered by it. However, the oldest doesn't even come close to the youngest child. i hate taking this kid out in public because of the things that he does and says. He is so misbehaved and always manages to get his way. It is very obvious that dad favors him. He is always getting into the pop and snacks without aking, so there are never any left for the other kids. He follows his dad every where, curses, constantly rubs on everyone. The list goes on and on. I have read various articles and post online and they all say that the father has to step up and do the discipline, I have talked to him about it but it only leads to arguments and him asking me what I want him to do "go beat them?", which is his way of making me shut up. It is extremely hard for me because I have raised my children pretty much the exact opposite. Example: My children don't just get games and toys they have to earn them. On the other hand his children each get a new xbox 360 game everytime they go to a store. It puts me in a bad place because my children see his with new games and toys all the time and they wonder why they get all the neat stuff but they are not well behaved or successful at school. Another thing my children see is his kids acting like complete misfits and getting away with it. The behavior of the youngest really stresses my son out. As far as my children and my fiance, he is wonderful with them and they really like him but hate his kids. I know that I am pushing him away and it seems like we fight every other night. He expects me to discipline them, clean up after them and help them with school work. I have told him that I will help him but that I wasn't going to do it all. But he still expects me to do it all, but his children don't listen to him let alone me. I love this man, but I don't know how this can work? I have told him that we have different ways of raising children and it won't work. I want to leave but than he says I'm abondoning him and we need to work out our issues instead of running out. But nothing ever changes. Can it work?? When people have different views of parenting? I feel so lost because I love him, and he is so great with my children so I feel bad, like I should be the same with his and its my fault?

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (12)

colliecm
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
MY ADVICE TO YOU IS DON'T GET MARRIED, I'M IN THE SAME BOAT EXCEPT I ALREADY GOT MARRIED.TRUST YOUR GUT INSTINCT. I'VE BEEN LEARNING TO DO IT AND IT'S BEEN PAYING OFF.
I ABSOLUTELY DESPISE MY SD. SHE'S BEHIND MENTALLY BECAUSE OF HER MOM SITTING ON THE COMPUTER ALL DAY LONG AND NOT TEACHING THE GIRL ANYTHING. I HAVE A 4 YR OLD WHO AT TIMES I THINK IS A GENIUS AND HIS 5 YR OLD CAN BARELY PUT A SENTENCE TOGETHER BUT SHE CAN TAKE CARE OF A BABY DOLL LIKE IT'S REAL. SHE'S WET THE BED WHEN SHE'S SLEPT OVER.I'VE HAD TO CLEAN THAT MESS. SHE HAS TO WEAR PULL-UPS. SHE'S URINATED IN THE DRESSER DRAWER @ HER HOUSE AND EVERYONE BUT ME FINDS IT FUNNY AND CUTE.
ENOUGH ABOUT ME.
WHEN YOU MARRY HIM YOU MARRY HIS KIDS AND ALL THE PROBLEMS THAT COME WITH THEM. I SUGGEST THERAPY FOR YOUR FAMILY AND HIS KIDS. NOT TO DISCOURAGE YOU BUT IT ONLY GETS WORSE WITH THE KIDS TRUST ME. I LOVE MY HUSBAND BUT I WISH I DIDN'T MARRY HIM OR HE DIDN'T HAVE HER. THE FIGHTS THAT SHE HAS CAUSED HAVE DONE ALOT OF DAMAGE TO US.NOT TO MENTION THE EX AND THE CRAP SHE'S PULLED SINCE WE GOT MARRIED.THE CONSTANT FIGHTING ISN'T GOOD FOR ANYONE IN THE HOUSE.I HONESTLY FEEL FOR YOU. SOMETHING HAS TO BE DONE BY HIM AS FAR AS THE KIDS BEHAVIOR. YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THAT.THE URINE ALONE WOULD PUT ME OVER THE EDGE. GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS, I HOPE EVERYTHING WORKS OUT IN YOUR FAMILY'S BEST INTEREST
sylviatexas1
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Sometimes I think we women think love is something that just happens, & well, there we are, can't help ourselves.

Love is a decision;
you don't have to reduce yourself to being his & his children's personal servant & subjecting your own children to unbelieveable stress.

you *can* decide to throw this one back.
Related Discussions
Something is amiss with the shade advice!
Q
Comments (4)
None of the plants you mention are for full shade. America: Partial Shade. Best with full sun. Azor: Partial Shade Beauty of Littleworth: Partial Shade. Prefers morning sun. Cary Ann: Partial Shade Cosmopolitan: Partial Shade County of York/Catalode: Partial Shade. Prefers light shade. Goldflimmer: Partial Shade Grace Seabrook: Partial Shade Lee`s Dark Purple: Partial Shade Mrs A.T.Delamare: Partial Shade. Prefers afternoon shade. President Roosevelt: Partial Shade. Afternoon protection from full sun is suggested. Senator Henry M. Jackson: Partial Shade Top Banana: Partial Shade Virginia Richards: Partial Shade Vulcan's Flame: Partial Shade All rhodododendrons require open to medium shade except for two. They are 'Snowlady' and R. schlippenbachii. They will bloom in deep shade. In northern latitudes, plants will tolerate less shade. Those that are more shade tolerant are: Bow Bells, Dora Amateis, Elviira, Hotei, King George, Mrs. Henry Schroeder (evergreen azalea), Nova Zembla, 'P.J.M'. hybrids (they don't set seed), Ramapo, R. williamsianum, R. calendulaceum, R. carolinianum, R. kuisianum, R. occidentale, and R. poukhanense. Other than variety, there are a number of other factors that may lead to a failure to set flower buds: Pruning. The buds are formed in late summer and early fall so pruning then or later is not advisable since it will remove flower buds. New leaf buds will form in the spring, but new flower buds won't form until the next year. Fertilizing. Nitrogen promotes leaf and branch growth and discourages flower bud production. It can also force late season growth that gets killed or stunted by frost damage. Phosphorus promotes flower bud production and hardiness. Potassium is necessary for well being. Weather. Cold weather can kill flower buds. Usually you see the brown buds in the spring. Cold spells in the fall or spring can damage buds that are not hardened off. Bud blast (blooming in fall or winter) uses up good buds which are then not available at the normal blooming time. Age. Most rhododendrons take 2 to 3 years to bloom from a rooted cutting unless forced. Some take longer and some bloom sooner. From seeds the plant may take 1 or 2 additional years. Exposure. Some rhododendrons need full sun to bloom and others can take fairly dense shade. In general, the more sun the more flower buds but also the greater exposure to damage from desiccation in summer or winter. More shade produces more foliage and less flowers. Inspection. You can usually tell if the plant has ever bloomed. A rhododendron that has bloomed will have the seed pods on it unless it has been dead-headed. If dead-headed too late after blooming, new flower buds can be damaged.
...See More
Trying something new to me, need expert advice!
Q
Comments (15)
I just saw this thread. For a few years, I tried making my own paste by running the tomatoes through a food mill to remove seeds and skins, then taking the resulting thick juice and putting it in plastic picnic plates, then into the food dehydrator. Its not that easy, too deep in the plates it ferments before it tries, to shallow you end up with 'tomato leather'. But with practice, it was reasonably easy to come up with a decent paste. But its a whole lotta work for not much paste. The reasons I tried was to get a better tasting result, figuring that most store-bought tomato paste comes from mechanically harvested hybrid plum tomatoes that are picked at the convenience of the factory, which is why so many of them taste like cardboard. LIke others, I've found that just buying a few cans of tomato paste and adding it as a thickener is the way to go. I usually stick with Contadina, which seems to be pretty consistent with good flavor. Far better than anything else I've tried. Each season, we can 100 or so quarts of thickened, tomato-based sauces. With that amount, I buy tomato paste in #10 cans, by the case of 6 - even with shipping, its half the cost of buying those 12 oz cans in the store. I open a can, divide it into plastic bags each holding two cups, one bag is enough for a 10 wt batch of sauce. They can easily be frozen.
...See More
Need Advice-Would You Buy Something Without a Plan For It?
Q
Comments (57)
Well then, it probably wasn't meant to be -- or he's trying to get someone else to pay up front before Monday and won't commit to hold them. Whatever it is, I think his expectations are a bit unreasonable. And there is a chance that he doesn't own the pieces or you wouldn't get them. Anytime someone is pressing that hard, it's a red flag and I'd rather let it go. It doesn't look like those pieces would really do much other than your splash or the shallow counter and I think they might limit you in terms of other choices to the point you might not be happy. You've put enough into the thought and planning process that you should have a pretty good vision of what you want and stick to it. If you deviate, it better knock your socks off, keep you awake at night, know it will be perfect and you're willing to work around it because you just can't live without it. Even then, I wouldn't expect to be asked to pay up front to even get a looksie.
...See More
Something is killing my green-babies. Can anyone help or offer advice?
Q
Comments (12)
A herbicide is a pesticide :-)) It is doubtful that you are still experiencing herbicide residue........most will breakdown into harmless components after just a few days to a week or two in the soil or exposed to sunlight. There are some that are more persistent but are generally not available for use by homeowners. It is not a disease problem - most plants diseases are very host specific and do not spread throughout the garden. That leaves cultural issues - soil, watering practices and weather or climate. Given the information you provided so far, I'd guess watering combined with hot summer weather. It is very unlikely that you would need to water on a daily basis for anything that has been planted more than a few weeks. Depending on your soil and how well it drains, you might be applying too much with a daily watering or too little by not allowing the water to run long enough or penetrate deeply. The mantra for watering a garden is low and slow and infrequently.....maybe once or twice a week at most. ps: you never need to remove any mulch.....you just add to it as necessary. And ants are not an issue unless they are farming aphids. They do not eat plants.
...See More
gellchom
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
It sounds like a marriage to this man (at least while either of you still has kids living at home), wonderful though he may be, would be bad for your kids, bad for his kids, and stressful for you. Your kids deserve the best upbringing you can do, which sounds impossible in his home, and his kids, awful though they may be, deserve not to live with someone who can't stand them. I'm not saying that you should be able to stand them! Just that it would be bad for them, too.

So for whom would it be good? Him? It's hard to imagine him being happy if everyone else is miserable. Even if he were, that's not enough. He may deserve all the happiness in the world, but not at the expense of everyone else's.

I can only imagine how hard it would be to give up a man who takes your breath away, and maybe you will choose to try to continue a relationship without marrying. But it would be even harder to live year after year in a dysfunctional mess.

Good luck!
tamar_422
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Scarlett - the kids aren't the problem. Your fiancee is the problem. They are only 8 and 5 years old. They are rude, lazy, selfish children who get away with everything because HE LETS THEM.

I don't think an 8 year old child needs to be "reprimanded" for being held back. However, I do think his father's attitude (keeping it secret) is doing more harm to this child than anything else.

You have a fiancee who is afraid to parent his children, maybe out of guilt for their absent mother, or maybe he just doesn't know how. You have a very different parenting philosophy. Unless the two of you are on the same page for parenting all of your children, you are headed for disaster. You will continue to resent his children, and your children will also resent his children. He will resent you, you will resent him, and the whole family will suffer.

I would advise counseling. He either needs to see the harm he is doing his children by enabling their poor behavior, and make the necessary changes, or you need to get out with your children before it's too late. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but if your fiancee doesn't change, your situation won't get better, only worse.
scarlett_80
Original Author
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
hey thanks for the quick response. I guess I knew the answer I just needed someone to tell me. I was really scared to post anything because i was afraid that people would think I am a bad person, but you guys have made me feel like I'm not alone and that is definitely comforting. Thank You!
colliecm-your words helped me so much because I feel the exact way you do and hearing you tell me it won't get better is what I think, what deep down I knew, but again I had this little glimpse of hope that I could help him become a better parent...so far I have failed!! I think I have actually made him less of a father because now he expects me to do it all. Thanks!!
sylviatexas-you have made me look inside myself and realize that love is a choice, and I have raised my children alone worked a full time job and done well and I always thought a man/husband would complete that, but it hasn't. It's weird how such a small comment can lead a person in to such deep thought!! Thanks!!
gellchom-you also had a great impact because I have always lived for my kids and now I feel like I'm neglecting them by making them endure the stress and the tension filled house. and even though I don't like his kids, they are after all kids and they don't deserve it either...thanks!!
which leads me to tamar 422-I absolutly agree with you that they are kids and they behave that way because he allows it, and although I have tried to help him discipline and get him involved it just leads to arguments. I guess its just too hard to make a realationship work when two people raise their children completely differently. Another thing you mention that I have also considered was guilt, and he has mentioned that. Which I guess is strange to me because I don't feel guilty that my childrens father walked away..I just feel bad for him because he has missed out on so much. I wish someone could explain that to me. but you summed up how it's been in this house of late...RESENTMENT all the way around. Thanks!!
Again thank you all for your helpful insight!!
mlly
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Hi Scarlett

Just wanted to ask - have you ever thought he just wants to marry you so he will have someone to raise his children? Doesn't sound like he's been doing much of a job from what you described, and if he convinces you to marry him, all the better for him since then he can just completely dump them off on you. And then guilt trip you when you want to leave - by telling you your abandoning him. I heard that exact same thing about 12 years ago now and I will say to you what I wish someone had said to me -

IT IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO SAVE HIM OR HIS CHILDREN!! YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON FOR WANTING TO LEAVE!!!
justnotmartha
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
You know, the Brady Bunch only worked because they were ALL so very Brady. Mlly is right - you can't save them, and you can't take yourself and your kids down trying. Much as it hurts, you have to trust your gut. Why cut off your nose to spite your face?
I wish you strength.
aldra
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
You know Scarlett, if you feel like this now, it isn't going to change. Unfortunately, it more than likely will get worse. Be strong and leave before it gets too bad.
hlmhr
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I think the clearest reflection of who a man really is can be seen in how he treats his children. If he's not disciplining them and spoiling them, and in some cases neglecting them (come on - who stuffs pee-stained sheets in a closet instead of putting them in the washer, and does it enough so that the house smells like urine?!) - he's got issues bigger than you can solve. He would likely benefit from counseling, but probably won't go until he can see that he needs it on his own. You said he's hiding it from his father (?) - maybe it's time the father found out and someone gave this guy a good hard look at reality.

You can't live on love alone. I've been in love with many people, but picked the one I know I can be a good team with and build a life with. Don't sell yourself short - hold out for the whole package - good lover, good friend, good parent. If more women believed that they deserved these things, the world would be a better place. You sound like you're doing great with your kids too. You deserve someone who cares as much about shaping their family and has the same values you do.

Sadly, if you leave, he'll probably find someone else who will be willing to step into the mess and raise the kids, but his whole scheme will ultimately backfire because he won't participate in raising, teaching and leading his own kids.
plasticgarden
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Dont blame yourself.The fact that your kids cant stand his kids is sign enough that it is not just you who sees that this man refuses to be a real parent.
Marrying this man will be a nightmare if you go through with it.
As a mother,you shouldnt force your kids to be tied to these children they hate.They may resent you for it when they grow up.
This fiance clearly has mental problems that you wont be able to fix.
A real parent would get that kid to a doctor,not hide stinky sheets in the closet! That is just sick and disturbing!

I completely agree with mlly that it seems like he is just trying to dump his kids on you.Be wary,because alot of men do this.They simply look for a replacement mom for the kids.
But as much as you seem to care for this guy,I'd think of your children first.You are setting them up for years of unhappiness by making them be with these children.
scarlett_80
Original Author
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Everyones comments are so true. I guess I knew it all along. I just wish I would have seen all this before we moved in together, but than again I suppose I did. But I figured having two parents and two people trying to tame them might make it better. As I have stated I don't mind helping him, but since moving in together he expects me to do it all. I know what needs to be done, now its just figuring out when and how. My kids are the most important thing to me, and i agree this situation won't get any better because for some reason he dosen't think he has done anything wrong. I guess he hasn't, if thats how you want to raise your kids but I most certainly don't want to! I'm almost thirty and its like I just want to live a normal life, with no drama! Does it ever end!!??
simron
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
If it helps, here are some suggestions. Write him a letter telling what you told us. Communication may be more effective writing. he can reread it, research it and get feedback. Also add the aforementioned feedback that you liked. Like its not the kids fault. Parenting classes are very enlighting and anyone can benifit. When they learn what self esteem and self concept is and what develops it and what hurts it. Communication skills. I and you statements etc. He won't do any of this without leverage. So you leaving and leaving the letter could possibly give him the solution and the need to seek the solution. It sounds like he's a soft hearted person. and its very hard for these people to punish. Yet he must realize that spoiling is a form of abuse, and his children will never be able to succeed in society without disipline. Good luck

A liitle help or advice or something?

Comments (12)

colliecm

sylviatexas1

Related Discussions

gellchom

tamar_422

scarlett_80
Original Author

mlly

justnotmartha

aldra

hlmhr

plasticgarden

scarlett_80
Original Author

simron

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

A liitle help or advice or something?

Comments (12)

Related Discussions

scarlett_80Original Author

scarlett_80Original Author

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

scarlett_80
Original Author

scarlett_80
Original Author