Someone once said that the hardest job in the world was being a mom - they were wrong - the hardest job is being a stepmother.

With that being said, I am fortunate to have two wonderful step-children in my life.

You're right - you're expecting the reactions of an adult. I understand why you feel the way you do - you want to be accepted and loved unconditionally by your SD. She's only 15, and she can't be expected to have adult reactions or intuition. As for her breaking down before the ceremony, she too was full of emotions (just like you were). I wouldn't put too much weight into her statement. Take it at face value. She doesn't think you're a 'b*tch'. :)

As for feeling excluding - unfortunately combined families has its challenges, and this is one of them. Make sure you're open and honest to your husband about your concerns, and hopefully these feeling will be kept to a minimum.

Good for you for including her as much as you did on your special day!!! It sounds like you put so much thought and effort into her feelings. She's lucky to have you.

Congratulations on your marriage!

I think it's good that you're recognizing that it's a problem within you, not necessarily something that the girl is doing wrong. It seems to me that maybe you need to work on adjusting your expectations and how you define things.

It sounds like she is accepting you-- she's just not demonstrating it in the way that you want. I say this mostly because a 15-year-old girl who isn't accepting a stepparent would be acting out more or being seriously passive-aggressive. You wouldn't be able to describe her behavior as "beautifully polite and involved" if she wasn't accepting you.

I also think that, given her age, it's too much to expect that she's going to love you or (if she does love you) for her to demonstrate that love by hugging you and saying the kinds of things you mentioned, even if it's a special occasion. Even if she wholly accepts you, she may always feel a bit reserved about you, simply because she might feel a conflicting loyalty to her mother. Even if her mother isn't in the picture or is problematic in some way.

Additionally, her not hugging and telling you how happy she is/how pretty you are could just be typical teenaged behavior. After all, a lot of teenagers are appalled by the notion of hugging or being hugged by their own parents, much less stepparents or other relatives. They also aren't always big on communicating their emotions or what they think about things. And I don't think it would have occurred to me to tell any adult that she was pretty or he was handsome when I was 15.

If this is troubling you to the point at which you can't sleep and are losing weight, I'm not sure if advice from the internet is going to help you as much as you need. If it continues to be a struggle, I'd recommend trying to find a good counselor. Sometimes it just takes help to work through problems like this.

This young girl's dad just re-married, she went to the wedding, she (15 years old) got emotional, & her new 'stepmother' is unhappy with her.

You got the man you want, you had a lovely wedding, & you're sleepless & losing weight & upset with a 15-year-old because she "couldn't be as you wanted her to be"???

*Somebody* needs to grow up.

When we married over a year ago, I did get hugs from my SK's at our wedding; they told me how pretty I looked...just as they thought their dad wanted them to. The SK's seemed happy enough, but when I take a second look at the wedding pictures, as we were exchanging rings, the kiss, etc.; I see the expressions on the kid's faces...not one smile, just solemn, sad looks. I thought I did my best to let them know I was happy to be becoming a family. To make it feel as if we were not only becoming husband and wife, but also a family (his and mine), I incorporated a rose ceremony where each of us place a rose into a vase which was to symbolize us becoming one family. I knew the first year would be the roughest from everything I had read; but I thought once we got over that hump, all would fall into place. I did not think it would happen all at once just because we were married. However, I find that instead of getting better, it is just getting worse. We went from a "united front" as husband and wife to 'us against them'(he and his kids vs. me and mine). They tell you not to have fairy tale thoughts about how you will become one big happy family...and it is true. I had a wonderful relationship with my SK's before we got married and began living together. This is what makes me sad. It has been a difficult adjustment period and I am not sure if we will ever really fuse as a family. So I am here to tell you, expect the worst and hopefully you will be pleasantly surprised in the end. But be patient and be prepared, it may be a rough road ahead to get to 'paradise', if the road ever does lead you there!

Still hopefull, Sorva and Perdue2 - thank you for your sensible, straightforward replies. I knew this deep down, but needed the reassurance that it's all normal.

SylviaTexas - you made me laugh, but you're taking me any further forward as you're just voicing what I thought about myself already - hence the title of my message.

I know my feelings are inappropriate, immature - I know it's my problem, not the kid's - otherwise my email would read rather differently. This is the challenge of being human, isn't it - struggling with feelings that you know aren't appropriate or fair but you can't stop having anyway. It's only the talking it out that helps.

Guys you have given me strength and more importantly I feel able to be more relaxed with my SD

Its good that you want your stepchildren to like you. Just be their friend. Be nice to them and hopefully things will end up as you like.

At my wedding my oldest sd, who is younger that your sd, hysterically cried. She was part of the wedding and was excited about our wedding. But as we were lighting the unity candle I could see her balling and my sister was consoling her.

At the time I wanted to cry. Later I found out that she was crying for two reasons. One because she was happy for us and she liked me. The other reason was that the wedding made her realize that her parents would never get back together. Even though her mom had cheated and moved in with a guy right away and had another child with her new guy before me and dh met she always had that little hope I guess.

So I guess what I am saying is that sometimes you can jump to the wrong conclusion and things can be much harder for children than you think.

One thing that a number of contributors have found, over & over, is the liberating power of letting go, disengaging, releasing *yourself*.

If something is causing you pain & misery, & you can't make it any different, accept it & *let it go*.

When you keep engaging with something that can't be changed, you insure your own misery & you don't change one other single thing.

I wish you the best.