the very fact that she has to ask her daughter what size she wears says it all: lousy mother.

on the other hand if she starts going to functions and starts taking care of her kid, you should see it as positive thing for your SD. nobody will replace you, nobody will push you away, but it will be a good thing for SD to have more people who care about her.

But...somehting tells me it is not going to happen. women who do not know their children's clothes sizes do not become mothers of the year all of a sudden. not gonna happen. she might move but it does not mean much. I would not worry, just keep on being a good mother, that's all you can do.

and I hate sounding mean or vendictive but give clothes to charity.

I have often had the same feelings. What if bm moves back to our state......? BM has told the kids she wants to get back here, but my dh has pointed out that moving costs a lot of $. Especially moving long distances.

If bm does move close to you my advice is kill her with kindness. Put your best smiley face on and never let your sd see you as the mean one or bad guy. Let her see you as she always has. Let your dh be the bad guy when needed. Still do all the things you used to (attend school and sporting events) and live your life the way you have been. (this is all what I decided I would do if bm here moves back)

The excitement of bm's arrival will likely wear off and leopards rarely change their spots. She may do good for a bit, but she will probably morph back into the deadbeat she was.

As for the clothes, they are not bm's to have. Brush off sd asking about them and she will likely forget. If it gets brought up again say you promised them to someone else.

"If bm does move close to you my advice is kill her with kindness."

Absolutely!!! She hasn't been interested enough to keep track of what size her kid wears. She is promising to spend holidays and maybe she will, maybe she won't. Is it really going to be a huge deal if mom has her on those holidays? You can celebrate on another day. If you lose it and let her (mom) know it bothers you, she may try harder to keep those promises and will work harder at staying in a power struggle with you. Chances are, if you are supportive of your stepdaughter having a better relationship with her mom, she will appreciate it. If the mother is trying to play family with her child, it is more likely that the mother will lose interest as she realizes it's not as easy as she hoped. If she hasn't had much contact, then your stepdaughter probably doesn't know her mom's boyfriend very well. If she spends time there, she now has to get along with a mom that doesn't know her well, a mom's boyfriend she doesn't know at all and half siblings where there's bound to be rivalry.

If mom comes to sport/school events and her daughter runs to her after, let it go. Smile and be graceful and just be supportive of your stepdaughter. Let your husband handle his ex and the less conflict there is, the more likely she will fade away again. People don't change unless they really want, and sometimes even then they still can't. She is bound to disappoint her daughter and there's nothing you can do to prevent it, just be there to pick up the pieces.

I don't think not knowing her clothing size is really relevant. My kids started buying a lot of their own clothes as soon as they got part-time jobs - I don't always know exactly what size they wear, and I live with them. Geez, they don't even know what size they wear some of the time - in the months since the last time my 22 year old bought sneakers, his feet grew a whole size.

I know this is really tough, I have been in your shoes, I am a full time SM too with a bio that surfaces every once in a blue moon....I know you feel threatened right now and it is completely understandable...you made the choice years ago to raise your SD and be "mom" to her, you have probably done all the school events, doctor appointments, cared for her when sick, and now Bio wants to just hop in and replace you.....Bio won't and she cant replace you! You are the one that has been there all of these years..I am sure SD face would light up at the thought of BIO coming to a school event or buying her new clothes etc...It is only natural and not her fault at all..it doesn't make you any less her mom at all..you have to remember that this is probably SD greatest wound in life right now..that her BM isn't involved....However, in the end of things, and this will probably be when SD is an adult she will know who cared for her all of these years.....
Personally, I don't think BM will do all that she has promised...maybe she will come to a few school events..but I bet you it wont last long...and if she does show then yeah I bet SD will run to her after becasue she wants so bad for BM to be there for her..you will have to bite your togue and be civil...you will also have to be there to pick up the pieces and hold SD when she is upset because BM came to an event or two but decides to bail on future events....and that is being a parent...not showing up for 20 mins at a function every once in a while....
When my SD was around 6..bio mom moved in w/ her parents and swore she wanted more time w/ SD even said she wanted joint legal custody of her...we were ok with more time but not joint legal..her parents swore she had "been doing a lot of growing up" and paid for her lawyer..we went count, of course the judge looked at her and told her "you're not ready for joint legal" and didn't give it to her..he did give her EOW which was fine by us....WE spent thousands, am sure grandparents spent thousands as well...she kept up with her visits for a bit, but then moved out of parents home and that was all she wrote....very sporadic in visitation and it has gotten so bad it has been like 10 mos without any contact...so I guess my point is..this is one of those times where you have suck it up because it will pass and things will go back to the way you are used to things...just remember nobody can replace you and it is normal for SD to drool over BIO being around....

As far as the clothes in storage go, if SD wants to give them to little sis (even though it was BMs idea what a twit) and you dont have plans for the clothes then I would let her give them to her little sister.....I would just go with what my SD wanted to do unless I had other plans for the clothes...I would do this becasue some battles just arent worth it and SD is likely to feel bad if you dont allow her to now...

I do have nieces that I pass some clothes down to. And some items that are not likely to go out of style anytime soon I save in case we have more children.

I guess that I am going to have to put my best foot forward and play nice with bm. In a way I hope she fades away quickly so I don't have to deal with her. But for my sd I hope she has changed. I am just so mixed about it all.

Chances are she won't move. I am a "custodial stepmom" as well and have become very VERY attached to my two stepdaughters in the past few years. Mom is in and out. Up and down. Involved and then absent. The girls no longer have a real honest to god STABLE relationship with her.

When biomom is having an ON month I always feel a little crapped on as well. I spend so much love,time and energy on making sure these girls are happy and cared for and when it's CONVIENIENT here comes "mother" playing mom for a few weeks just so she can snowball and dissapear again. It's really frustrating and I totally understand why you are panicking.

You have to remember that just because you are not their biological mother does not mean you haven't been "mom" and they will not forget that. You have a bond with those children and it won't be broken just because the birth mother arrives back on the scene. Children have huge hearts and the ability to love many people as family if the adults involved nurture the love and don't try to poison it.

Don't feel threatened...instead hope that mom is trully taking an interest in her children with the best of intentions. I would very happy for the girls if their mother got straight and became more involved. It would be the best thing for them to have a biomom who obviously loved and cared for them. I'm sure the girls would still love me just as much as they do now:) Don't worry too much...things will be fine.

I am sure bm will not last playing mommy. She will get tired of using her freetime to be a parent and will go back to partying as she always does. Even if she lives near us she will not last long being responsible. It just hurts that while she plays mommy I will be tossed aside by sd and then I will be picking up the pieces when bm stops playing mommy again. Its so unfair. Being a stepparent is much harder than I had ever anticipated.

She should have asked you or your husband's permission to takes the old clothes, not the daughter. That said, if it is sitting and nobody is using it, unless something is sentimental that you want to keep, I wouldn't hold on to the clothes just despite. You will come out looking like the bad guy. And trust me, I understand overcompensating for the ex's financial situation. It's simply not fair but it is the way it is. I can appreciate your feelings about her barging into your daughter's life like the pied piper with all of her big ideas. But she sounds flaky. Sounds like she could very well move close and not stay for long. Even so, your SD would likely be happier having BOTH of you in her life. Continue to do what you are doing, you offer stability, love and support. If the BM does move close and begins to attend functions, don't stop going - because there is room for both of you in your SD's life. A child can't ever have too much love or too many people who care. Try not to worry about what may be because it will drive you crazy.

Being a SP is thankless. Often we pick up where the BPs leave off (or where they would have to actually pay for the help). We cover watching SC on weekends when parents have to work or we end up picking up SC when parents are running late. Or, in your case, you fill the "mommy" role because BM is not around. And then BM gets to bluster back into town and be the hero for a while and leave again. SD will love having her BM there and you will enevitably be brushed to the side. You will have to hear all about how great BM is how much fun she's having. But the thing is that you're not doing what you do for the glory; you're doing it because you love her and it's the right thing to do. She needs you. You know that, she knows that and BM knows that. Don't get your feelings hurt too much (easier said than done). Just tell yourself that you love her and will be there for her when she's ready for you again.

As far as the clothes go, I'm not trying to sound petty, but I would go ahead and get rid of them before BM comes into town. You bought them and it's your right to give them to whomever you want. She doesn't pay CS so none of her money goes to support the home. Maybe give a few things to the sister, but give the rest to your neices.