Very upset over DH birthday party coming up! Opinion Needed.

17 years ago

Okay here I go. I've married to this guy since 1980.

My hubby's birthday is coming up - and I've contacted a distant relative to come - Not a problem. I've went and got Everything, The few things he really needed as gifts.

Then I sent out the Invitations 2 weeks in advance. Then, "Here's comes Mrs. Conflicting A--" calls me and tells me she & other ASC (I gues i can put asc for adult step child."?") Are NOT going to come because "She" always puts up up his Birthday Party! It will take place else where...and we are to show up with him with my tail tucked between my legs! - SHE wants all events to go her way and just this once I wanted to do something for him - close to HOME and have his Adult Children come and celebrate his birthday. "What would you do?" Any advise is Highly appreciated!

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Comments (11)

mom_of_4
17 years ago
so, I am sure there is a lot of info missing... but based on this I would tell her "I'm sorry that you wont be able to make it, but this is the time and date of the party. I am sure your father will be very dissappointed that you couldnt come. If your plans change or you change your mind just let me know. Have a great day!" and I would continue to plan your husbands party.
sweeby
17 years ago
If invitations have been sent, there's your perfect reason for not moving the party.

BUT...

If his adult children always throw him a party, and you've been married since 1980 --
what are you doing not even consulting them beforehand?
I'm not suggesting that you need to ask their permission, but by not consulting them,
you've sort of 'thrown down a gauntlet' that really didn't need to be thrown down.
In other words, your unilateral actions created an opportunity for conflict that could easily have been avoided.

I'm guessing this may also be a landmark birthday?
One they may also have been planning for?
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All parties are ultimations...be there or miss the party :) Come on now, that does not mean "be there or miss the party and I'll never speak to you again" it just means the party is on Saturday and I'd love to see you, but if I don't we'll see you another time. :) The party takes place on whatever date it's set. I wouldn't call that an ultimatim, but maybe that's just me. I too cherish time with girlfriends W/O kids. I rarely get it (two days to date since my son was born) so it's a big deal for me. Just last night I invited my bunco girlfriends to come down for a bunco retreat at our new house sometime. I'll be leaving them and would love to have them come visit, but I didn't offer to foot the bill. It didn't even occur to me. And as said above, had it been reverse, me being invited, I'd almost have been insulted to have someone pay my bill for me unless there was a logical reason (and friends traveling to a casual party is not a logical reason). I know that of the twelve ladies I invited last night that maybe six or eight will attend. They are busy, and timing is always a challenge, and perhaps expense as well, but I won't be offended if someone does not join us for the weekend. I just want to see my friends and enjoy sharing my new home with them...not much different than wanting to share a special weekend (birthday) with friends really :) and nothing to get upset about.
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I guess I feel pretty lucky--my DD has a small class, only 14 students. I would agree that inviting 40 kids is excessive. I'm assuming there are two classes for SD's grade? Could you do something where she only invites her particular class? Or what about just the girls? My DD's school seems to be low-key. Last year, only a handful of kids had bday parties; a few invited the whole class, but two girls just invited the girls, and I think 2 boys had boys-only parties, as well. We just had an issue with BM about this. SS's bday is coming up and she wanted him to have it at this very expensive indoor trampoline place----the party room (that you HAVE to rent) is $175. Then it is an additional $14.75 PER jumper and there is a 10 person minimum. So that's $322 already. This does not include cake or drinks or goodie bags or anything. There are 23 kids in SS's class and SS's mom felt he should be able to invite the entire class. DH just told her that it is ridiculous to spend $500-600 on a 7 year old's birthday party and that she (or we) would have to find something more reasonable. Well, then they got in a big argument b/c she was saying they would split the cost this year (normally, DH pays) and DH said that wasn't the point----that even if they did cut the cost down the middle, it was just too extravagant of a party. We normally spend $150-$200 for a party. DD's birthday is 6 weeks after SS's, so we have to be financially mindful of planning for two parties relatively close together, as well.
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Wait, I am a bit confused. So you didn't think BM was going to take SS to practice, but you did think she would pick him up at the stated normal time, right? And now DH has told her she can pick him up AFTER practice, which I am assuming means YOU will have to drive him to practice, and drive him home and then BM will get him? Just making sure I understand. I totally 100% agree with you that if DH is going to make changes to the schedule--HE needs to be around to deal with them and the potential fallout. It is unfair of him to make the changes, but then expect you to sit around and deal with them. Ditto on the fact that the judge may throw his hands up in the air, too. If DH wants a set schedule and times SO badly, but then constantly disregards it, then it's obvious (to a court) that it's not *that* important to him. Reminds me of a friend of mine--she has two boys with her ex. A six year old and a three year old. Never married to the ex, and the second boy was conceived during a brief reconciliation, and then they broke up not long after. The ex is a shady character---was into drugs/drinking for awhile there, and my friend, who is totally on the straight and narrow, working full-time in addition to majoring in Molecular Biology, didn't like having her boys go over to his place. BUT--she was in a bind all the time, needed him to help with the boys while she worked or was in class, and she would still let him keep the boys. THEN she would complain to her attorney that the boys weren't safe with their dad. Her attorney finally said---LOOK, if you do not think they're safe and you want me to pursue that avenue in this custody battle, then STOP sending your kids over there. You lose credibility when you tell the judge the kids are not safe but send them there anyway! He had a point. This was three years ago, and the dad ended up cleaning up his life and the two of them now share joint custody. Same kinda situation, though. When your DH changes things, he loses credibility. Just want to make sure I am understanding.
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I kind of have a different take on this post. Alot of parents raise their kids to be their whole life. They throw themselves into their children so much that sometimes the children end up becoming the more dominate personality. These parents have no interests of their own and probably don't even know what to do with themselves when their children aren't there. This happens a lot with children of divorce because of a competition element that presents itself, or maybe even because one or both of the parents are emotionally messed up and the child(ren) feel they have to protect their parent(s). Here are two examples: #1 - A very dear friend of mine who's son and my son are very close friends. She still sleeps in the same bed with her 9-1/2 y/o and her 7 y/o. Almost every night they guilt her into sleeping with them. She hasn't slept in the same bed with her husband in almost 10 years! If DS wants to sleep over with her DS, they have to do it over there because my friend doesn't allow sleepovers away from their home. I had a party for DS and she insisted on sleeping over with him. That wasn't a problem. The problem was that because she always has her kids with her, I HAD to include her daughter in this all-boy birthday party and sleepover. It is my opinion that she uses her kids as a sheild so she doesn't have to deal with her very real marriage issues (alcoholism, infidelity, extreme debt, and more). #2 - My sister. My niece is accustumed to having access to everything and everybody. If there is a closed door in the house, like say I went to the restroom, she will bang on it until I come out or open the door. Not that she wants what is on the other side of the door. She just wants to have access whenever she wants. If she doesn't get her way, she will scream bloody murder until my sister thinks she's having an asthma attack (never even been diagnosed with asthma) and picks her up and cuddles her until it's over. It's very plain to see who has the more dominate personality. So when these children grow up, roles tend to be reversed. The children EXPECT the parents to answer to them and the parents feel obligated to inform the children of everything. I see this in real life with my brother-in-law. His mother informs him of EVERYTHING and he is in the Navy living 1,000 miles away with a family of his own. My BIL, on the other hand, gets mad if he finds out the tiniest little thing that happens and she didn't tell him. If this is the dynamic of a family, anyone who marries into it should work within the dynamic and then raise their own children differently, if they so choose. It's like playing two ballgames at once. It will be hard, but that's why the poster on the birthday thread is having such a hard time. In my own relationship with my parents, we are not like that. My mom had emergency surgery to remove her gall bladder and no one told me until my aunt called from Arizona to tell me. I was a little miffed, seeing as it was and emergency procedure with the risk pof infection, but still it is THEIR business and does not effect me in any way. I am the only relative living anywhere close to them and all I expect is to be informed if I need to help in any way (feed animals, pick up mail, watch house) or if it's life-threatening (my father's heartattack in May of last year when my mom was 2 hours away and I was 20 minutes away). To me, they are adults and they deserve to make their own decisions independent of me, just as I expect of them.
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sandy_at_the_beach
Original Author
17 years ago
Invitations were sent. Even to family members that live
out of state. They were sent out a week ago, and this weekend the SD says "Oh, I'm not coming 'THERE", because I Want To have it there" .I consulted with the Oldest Step Child - and seemed tickled with the Idea - that family was coming in.
They weeren't planning anything.
catlettuce
17 years ago
You've been married 28 yr.s, I think you can have a BD party for your DH and I'd do what Mom of 4 said and just continue with your plans. If SD can't make, that's sad but I think your DH will really enjoy seeing his family from out of state and such. Have your party, have a lovely day and hopefully SD will want to come celebrate, if not don't fret over it.

I absolutely wouldn't change my plans or upset your DH by telling him what she said, let it go..
imamommy
17 years ago
I totally agree. My parents have been divorced for 26 years but for at least the last seven or eight years, my mom has come to family gatherings at dad's house. (Mother's day, fourth of July, birthday's, graduations, Thanksgiving, Xmas, etc.) They've gotten along fairly well at these and it's nice that us kids haven't had to choose whose house to go to on a holiday (or worse, split up our days). This has been in large part because my stepmom has been in a vegetative state for 12 years. Earlier this year, my stepmom's sister has begun to come around and was at the last couple of functions. My mom decided she doesn't like her so the phone calls went out to me and my siblings that if THAT WOMAN is at dad's for the holidays, she won't be there. My brother and sister have sided with mom, they don't like her either. My sister and I are not going to sacrifice our relationship with dad for anyone. I'm angry at my mom for trying to make us boycott dad's house because he might invite his wife's sister. I almost thought of canceling any more big gatherings (that I happen to enjoy very much) but talked to my sister today and we decided if the others don't want to come, so be it. They are missing out and it's too bad for them.

Plan your husband's party and if his kids want to make him a party another time, let them. They will miss out on seeing out of State family members and it's their loss. Don't give in to their emotional blackmail.
colleen777
17 years ago
Of course you go ahead and plan your party!!! How old are these Adults anyway? How many BD parties have they actually planned for dad, and when they planned them did they consult with you first that they were doing so?
sandy_at_the_beach
Original Author
17 years ago
They never consulted with me on anything! Until the last hour before their plans were 'On' and ... I've got something really weird to tell you gals -
"Colleen777,imamommy, catlettus, sweeby, and mom of 4> "You know the old saying 'Becareful what you wish for?" -
Well, as it turns out .DH, & 2 DD & self have the Flu Virus! So, There won't be a B-day Party for DH afterall! The "She Devil" SD already contacted out of State family member & says she's "Telling them to NOT come in" -- I had already e-mailed them & told them we are all sick with the Flu!

But very secretly, DH is now feeling some better (not much) & I WILL HAVE his birthday Party -Privately at Church on Sunday and At Our Home afterwards!!
Thank you all - each & everyone for your advise and help. Love, Sandy
theotherside
17 years ago
The flu in September? Isn't it kind of early? Did all of you by by any chance eat the same meal?
sandy_at_the_beach
Original Author
17 years ago
imamommy, Never give up any Holiday with your parents. They both deserve your love and one should not jip you out of a loving relationship with the other.What you're doing is right and hopefully with you and your sister - everybody will come to terms too.
serenity_now_2007
17 years ago
Sandy-

Have you ever indicated in all these years, to either DH or SD's, that you'd like to be the one to throw him a party every once in a while (or just once)? How did they react when you discussed it with them previously? Did they say "no way!" or do anything to indicate that you would have to spring it on them, ambush-style, if you wanted to do it? In other words, what prompted you to plan it all without letting them know you were doing so?

Of course you shouldn't feel like you CAN'T throw a party for your husband, and if that's literally what everyone told you, that was unfair of them.

The thing I disagree with is the way you handled it. Clueing them in that you even had an interest in doing this would have been a good start, and this year in particular, you should have said "I know you girls love to throw your Dad his birthday party every year, but I'd like to have a more active role. And after all these years, I'd like to be the one doing the majority of planning for DH's birthday party this year. You're welcome to pitch in, and I'm not trying to 'usurp' the wonderful tradition you've had with him all these years... I just want a chance to provide it for him this year, and I hope you can udnerstand that. I'm going to start planning things this week..."

Without any of this being said to the SD's, you've unfortunately made it come off like a hostile act of 'revenge'. What's more, you're now plotting to exclude them from their father's birthday altogether, which is out of line. This is most likely what's prompted their hostile *reaction*, far more so than the fact that you want a turn to host the party, which in itself should be understandable to them if you take the time to discuss it with them in a spirit of fairness.

As for the looming question of who will host next year's birthday party, the only adult thing to do is for one of you (you or one of the SD's) to say: "It seems like this past birthday party for Dad was the subject of some resentment all around. I guess we all love Dad and we all want to feel like an active part of doing something nice for him on his birthday. What's a fair solution we can come up with so everyone can feel like they have this opportunity, and of course, so we all can share the special day with him? Trade off years for who hosts at their house? All of us plan the party together every year? Hold it at a 'neutral' location like a park or restaurant? Let Dad tell us what HE wants, and if it's for us all to take a hike instead of bickering, then we do so?"

If this remains undiscussed and a fair compromise not found (or sought), his birthday will continue to be more and more of a nightmare every year because his 'women' don't know how to grow up and get over themselves. Not exactly fair to HIM, whose birthday this is supposed to be about, and I wouldn't blame him if after a few years of this he just wants to go to Hooter's with his buds.
catlettuce
17 years ago
My suggesion would be to book a surprise cruise or romantic vacation for you & your DH to celebrate his birthday/and or yours and scrub the whole party deal altogether.

If they want to have a party for their dad GREAT! Less stress for you, go enjoy and then do something special for just the two of you.

Very upset over DH birthday party coming up! Opinion Needed.

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Very upset over DH birthday party coming up! Opinion Needed.

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