so, I am sure there is a lot of info missing... but based on this I would tell her "I'm sorry that you wont be able to make it, but this is the time and date of the party. I am sure your father will be very dissappointed that you couldnt come. If your plans change or you change your mind just let me know. Have a great day!" and I would continue to plan your husbands party.

If invitations have been sent, there's your perfect reason for not moving the party.

BUT...

If his adult children always throw him a party, and you've been married since 1980 --
what are you doing not even consulting them beforehand?
I'm not suggesting that you need to ask their permission, but by not consulting them,
you've sort of 'thrown down a gauntlet' that really didn't need to be thrown down.
In other words, your unilateral actions created an opportunity for conflict that could easily have been avoided.

I'm guessing this may also be a landmark birthday?
One they may also have been planning for?

Invitations were sent. Even to family members that live
out of state. They were sent out a week ago, and this weekend the SD says "Oh, I'm not coming 'THERE", because I Want To have it there" .I consulted with the Oldest Step Child - and seemed tickled with the Idea - that family was coming in.
They weeren't planning anything.

You've been married 28 yr.s, I think you can have a BD party for your DH and I'd do what Mom of 4 said and just continue with your plans. If SD can't make, that's sad but I think your DH will really enjoy seeing his family from out of state and such. Have your party, have a lovely day and hopefully SD will want to come celebrate, if not don't fret over it.

I absolutely wouldn't change my plans or upset your DH by telling him what she said, let it go..

I totally agree. My parents have been divorced for 26 years but for at least the last seven or eight years, my mom has come to family gatherings at dad's house. (Mother's day, fourth of July, birthday's, graduations, Thanksgiving, Xmas, etc.) They've gotten along fairly well at these and it's nice that us kids haven't had to choose whose house to go to on a holiday (or worse, split up our days). This has been in large part because my stepmom has been in a vegetative state for 12 years. Earlier this year, my stepmom's sister has begun to come around and was at the last couple of functions. My mom decided she doesn't like her so the phone calls went out to me and my siblings that if THAT WOMAN is at dad's for the holidays, she won't be there. My brother and sister have sided with mom, they don't like her either. My sister and I are not going to sacrifice our relationship with dad for anyone. I'm angry at my mom for trying to make us boycott dad's house because he might invite his wife's sister. I almost thought of canceling any more big gatherings (that I happen to enjoy very much) but talked to my sister today and we decided if the others don't want to come, so be it. They are missing out and it's too bad for them.

Plan your husband's party and if his kids want to make him a party another time, let them. They will miss out on seeing out of State family members and it's their loss. Don't give in to their emotional blackmail.

Of course you go ahead and plan your party!!! How old are these Adults anyway? How many BD parties have they actually planned for dad, and when they planned them did they consult with you first that they were doing so?

They never consulted with me on anything! Until the last hour before their plans were 'On' and ... I've got something really weird to tell you gals -
"Colleen777,imamommy, catlettus, sweeby, and mom of 4> "You know the old saying 'Becareful what you wish for?" -
Well, as it turns out .DH, & 2 DD & self have the Flu Virus! So, There won't be a B-day Party for DH afterall! The "She Devil" SD already contacted out of State family member & says she's "Telling them to NOT come in" -- I had already e-mailed them & told them we are all sick with the Flu!

But very secretly, DH is now feeling some better (not much) & I WILL HAVE his birthday Party -Privately at Church on Sunday and At Our Home afterwards!!
Thank you all - each & everyone for your advise and help. Love, Sandy

The flu in September? Isn't it kind of early? Did all of you by by any chance eat the same meal?

imamommy, Never give up any Holiday with your parents. They both deserve your love and one should not jip you out of a loving relationship with the other.What you're doing is right and hopefully with you and your sister - everybody will come to terms too.

Sandy-

Have you ever indicated in all these years, to either DH or SD's, that you'd like to be the one to throw him a party every once in a while (or just once)? How did they react when you discussed it with them previously? Did they say "no way!" or do anything to indicate that you would have to spring it on them, ambush-style, if you wanted to do it? In other words, what prompted you to plan it all without letting them know you were doing so?

Of course you shouldn't feel like you CAN'T throw a party for your husband, and if that's literally what everyone told you, that was unfair of them.

The thing I disagree with is the way you handled it. Clueing them in that you even had an interest in doing this would have been a good start, and this year in particular, you should have said "I know you girls love to throw your Dad his birthday party every year, but I'd like to have a more active role. And after all these years, I'd like to be the one doing the majority of planning for DH's birthday party this year. You're welcome to pitch in, and I'm not trying to 'usurp' the wonderful tradition you've had with him all these years... I just want a chance to provide it for him this year, and I hope you can udnerstand that. I'm going to start planning things this week..."

Without any of this being said to the SD's, you've unfortunately made it come off like a hostile act of 'revenge'. What's more, you're now plotting to exclude them from their father's birthday altogether, which is out of line. This is most likely what's prompted their hostile *reaction*, far more so than the fact that you want a turn to host the party, which in itself should be understandable to them if you take the time to discuss it with them in a spirit of fairness.

As for the looming question of who will host next year's birthday party, the only adult thing to do is for one of you (you or one of the SD's) to say: "It seems like this past birthday party for Dad was the subject of some resentment all around. I guess we all love Dad and we all want to feel like an active part of doing something nice for him on his birthday. What's a fair solution we can come up with so everyone can feel like they have this opportunity, and of course, so we all can share the special day with him? Trade off years for who hosts at their house? All of us plan the party together every year? Hold it at a 'neutral' location like a park or restaurant? Let Dad tell us what HE wants, and if it's for us all to take a hike instead of bickering, then we do so?"

If this remains undiscussed and a fair compromise not found (or sought), his birthday will continue to be more and more of a nightmare every year because his 'women' don't know how to grow up and get over themselves. Not exactly fair to HIM, whose birthday this is supposed to be about, and I wouldn't blame him if after a few years of this he just wants to go to Hooter's with his buds.

My suggesion would be to book a surprise cruise or romantic vacation for you & your DH to celebrate his birthday/and or yours and scrub the whole party deal altogether.

If they want to have a party for their dad GREAT! Less stress for you, go enjoy and then do something special for just the two of you.