We have gone through some marriage counseling recently that I highly recommend. Our situation was different (DH rewarding bad behavior, not being honest about $ and his adult kids, etc.) but it truly made a huge difference for us. How I wish I'd done it earlier!

Let me say that I have not figured out how to deal w/ the rejection and divorce poisoning. Why is she doing it? To make herself look better to the kids and for her to feel better about her choices that obviously put her kids' needs LAST, far behind her own selfish wants. But, the 'why' doesn't help much.

Do you feel the kids have issues w/ you? Would they see a counselor?

It never ceases to amaze me how kids have that loyalty to a mother. She could be abusive, a drug-using prostitute, but the children will still call for her in the night - or from the ER, even when she landed them there. It's a strange thing to comprehend as to me, there's so much more to being a 'mother' than giving birth.

You and your fiance need to support one another and be sure, before you tie the knot, that you're up for a life of these ups and downs. It isn't easy. The ex in our case had an affair, I dated DH over 1.5 yr. later, she pinned me as the homewrecker, kids hated me, etc. A few years later, the affair guy (who had dumped her) moved back into town and began shooting his mouth off about their affair w/in the vicinity of my OSD (he was her tennis coach). The X had also found religion, told the kids the truth, but so much crap had transpired that it was nearly impossible for us to be close like we could have been had she just been honest from the start.

Good luck. Give more info - kids live w/ you now? On and off? Do they like their SF? What is their beef w/ you and their dad?

Dana

Kids are 15 and 18 and have a mom who is totally screwed up, abandoned them, abandoned her life. ... Honey, they're not at you, they're mad at the world. It's hard for kids to be mad at mom, even a really bad mom. You're the target right now. Give them time and try not to take personally, even when I know it is so, so hard to do. Maybe at some point they'll realize how blessed they are to have you and their father in their lives.

Lily is right. In my situation, BM is a severe alcoholic (drunk by 10 am usually daily) and for the longest times my SS tried to defend the outcomes of her behavior (loosing her job,apartment,lying to DHS etc...) it is really hard for kids to see Mom (who to kids is everything) doing wrong. Give your Skids time...

As far as X's getting better? LOL. I really wish that were the case but most of being a second wife is learning to let all the crud they try and drag you through just roll off.

Nope.

Hi Everyone,
thanks so much for the feedback. To answer Dana, the boys are living with us one week on and one week on. They are over every day during the school year, because they go to school in our school district. so they are with us alot, the 18 year just left for college and isn't speaking to his dad or myself. he didn't like the discipline in our house among other things...we tried to discipline him, because he got arrested, skipping school, so he went to live with the BM. so, now his little brother is saying that his dad is a puppet and that he is different around me and he doesn't want to be told what to do anymore. he says it's easier at his mom's place because they can do whatever they want. The SF over there is a pushover and basically the EXwife verbally abuses him, and he just takes it. I have never met the exwife, she won't speak to me and has never made any initiative to meet me thru the years, even when her kids were living w/us full time when she abandoned them. But she loves to always put digs in about how much the kids hate me and that i treat them so horribly! I work full time, do all the cleaning and basically tried to stay out their way...by just being their friend. But this EX won't leave me alone, every week it's something new. I just want peace. I don't know if I should address this new information with my SS, about him hating me and saying that I control his Dad. Should I just apologize or let it go? I know if I'm to stay with my fiance, i need to really accept all this..but how does one cope with the constant attacks and lies? i'm not perfect, but this is ridiculous? I feel like damned if i do and damned if i don't!

I have been doing the same thing (very similar) for the last 18 years. It does not get easier. You just have to decide if it is worth it. Do you love your fiance? Do you love the kids? Eventually they will grow up and decide on thier own if they will continue the behavior or realize the truth and act like adults.

For me personally, the relationship I have with my husband is worth anything I have to put up with from his now adult chldren. Luckily, my husband supports me and I support him in everything we have to deal with.

Good Luck.