You certainly have a full plate going on here. And no, you're not a bad person for feeling what would be normal and expected frustration. I think you're due a break yourself...the day in and day out has got to be taking a toll on your own mental and physical self. Can you do that? Can you arrange for some occasional help and an evening out for yourself? Maybe a housecleaner a day or two a week? Somebody who can maybe premake meals for the freezer on Sunday afternoons so you can just pull them out during the week? You've taken on a lot all by yourself and have both children and teens that are making things even harder than necessary. I'd say get these older kids up and into helping, but with some of their health conditions I don't know what they can and can't do...or what might set off one of their problems. I'd hate to say something like 'get that oldest kid going into action' and then have him go full blow asthma attack on you. Only you, your wife and their drs know to what extent you could push this area. Their mouthiness and bad attitude are not physical though and you really do deserve more respect than what you are being shown. Maybe a sit down family discussion with your wife fully backing you up and supporting your stand. No cooperation no treats. You don't owe them nights at the movies or other fun activities if they can't at least appreciate it and realize that such events/items are not going to be forth coming if the attitudes don't change. Reality check the little darlings. The teens especially are old enough to know that if you walked out that door along with your paycheck , housecleaning, and cooking they'd all be 'up a creek without a paddle'. They can either behave themselves and start showing some respect, stop the fighting and constant crap or you stop cooking, cleaning and handing out money. Your their step father and the only father currently willing to step up, you've taken this on as a volunteer, you're working your butt off to make a home for them all and you did it out of love...they can start appreciating it and acting a part of the family or they can figure out how they are all going to fend for themselves. If you don't begin to find some sense of relaxation and a few moments of happiness now and then you're going to destroy your own health...caretakers usually take a bigger toll on themselves than on those they are trying to care for. It's not an easy thing to do and your body will begin to pay the price.

Mona, you're not crazy. I've had a little experience with what you're feeling. Older teen and young adult stepkids will sometimes feel threatened by a new family structure and they will try to assert control over activities and meals to "recreate" the old family structure. Often, Dad will pander to them because he's keen to maintain their interest in the family. However, kids can't run the family and we've had a few conflicts over the years, especially on vacations, when the big kid doesn't get her/his way. We've also had some problems with the big kid pressing Dad to spend money that he can't afford. You can solve some of this problem, to some extent, with advance planning. Prior to a visit, make sure that you and your husband have a plan in place for important meals (like Christmas dinner) and activities (like visits with relatives). If the big kids balk, be sure that you have an "out" for them so they won't cause problems (i.e. "We're taking baby to see Santa today at noon. You're welcome to tag along, or you can stay home and get some homework done"). Also, have a few pre-planned jobs in mind to keep them busy (i.e. they make cookies, wrap gifts or do a craft that you've purchased with the little kids). However, there will be times that you will just have to grit your teeth and bear it. That happened to me on Easter weekend when I was snafu'ed with an activity on Good Friday that I wasn't informed about and hadn't planned on. It didn't adversely affect my weekend, so I just smiled and went along. Rest assured, that the problem becomes less frequent as the big kids get older, and become occupied with their own careers and relationships.

Hi Sunnygardenerme, Yes, I do have experience with this situation! Last summer my then 19 y/o SD stayed with my husband and me for her summer break. We allowed this, despite the fact that she rejected us the few years before (classic case of divorce poisoning by her mom)...anyway, we thought we could help her, teach her, etc, and that spending time away from her mother who lies, manipulates, etc. would be good for her. Well, I'm sure it would have been, except that she was a product of her environment...and so had no problem taking my things and then lying about taking them. It started when I couldn't find a sweater...and she heard me looking for it in the morning...and then it turned up in a ball in our office room at home. Well I knew I didn't do that, so I knew she had it and attempted to "return" it. Then a necklace went missing...it was a $20 necklace that was about principle, not value! My husband confronted her and she cried and was appalled that he would suspect his little angel of taking it....no way. He then talked to me and said "I saw the look in her eyes, she is not lying -- you must have misplaced it" (being the control freak I am, I rarely "misplace" things!! LOL!)...anyway, I then went in to talk to her. I though what can I do? she was living with me so I thought I would tell her that if she wants to borrow things, just ask me....etc. Well, thank God that my husband -- who thoroughly believed in her innocence, also had faith in me and that if I was still convinced, perhaps there was truth to it...so he went out to her car to look around and viola! So, he brought it to her room and said "Jess I found this in your car" and her response? "Oh THAT necklace!" She still tried to keep up the lie! We said "stop this....admit it and stop taking things." Well, it didn't stop, she took bras, toiletries, jewelery, shoes, tops, summer dresses, etc....we had talks about it, threatened to throw her out, and then as a final moment came, told her to get out -- she cried and cried, she was so very sorry -- said "please don't make me go back there" (to her mother's house), etc, etc. Well, since she had only a week or so left with us, we agreed to allow her to stay at our house -- but that she couldn't go out after work -- she needed to start to prepare to return to school, etc. Well, the night before she left our house for good (to go on vacation with her mother then back to school), I decided to look through her boxes to be sure she wasn't taking anything of mine. Well, guess what -- there were household items packed up (a stitched pillow that her grandmother made for us, a mug that was made out of her brother's artwork, some party things (hats, streamers) and a jewelery box thing that her deceased grandfather gave to me. So, concluded that she was a thief and a liar and unless she got serious therapy, she was not welcomed in our home alone. We don't make any bones about it -- she has "stolen" (she and her mother prefer to refer to it as her "borrowing" my things, even though she hid them in her car, under her bed and at her mother's house so that I didn't know she "borrowed" them). So, she did nothing about therapy, which we told her she must do back at school and so we are again estranged...... I fear my husband didn't fully understand the depth of my hurt and upset about this until I framed it for him "how would you feel if one of my nephews left from staying with us and you were missing things....?" He then realized how awful it must have felt....she isn't my blood and is going through my drawers and taking whatever she wanted (even my bras for God Sakes!!!) Oh, and I forgot, we had a 4th of July BBQ and my neice-in-law left sunglasses somewhere, and my SD decided she liked them and took them! That neice is the one person she truly cared about in my family (she had mother issues too and reached out to my SD). So, my SD decided to "return" them, but did it at a time when it was obvious that they showed up right after our brief visit to a place they were renting at the shore (so it couldn't have been that they just resurfaced). Ok, sorry to bore you with the details of my story, but the bottom line is that I know how you feel and your husband needs to respect that feeling of being violated. These are adult children who "visit" your home -- it is not their home anymore and they have no right to be there without you. I would put my foot down and insist on this....you have a right to be comfortable in your own home (besides, it used to make me CRAZY because I would be like "did she take it -- did I misplace it and forget where I put it??" etc. etc. It is a horrible feeling..... Good luck.....my husband's faith in my and my veracity helped me to show him what I needed. If your husband trusts in you and truly cares about you, he will listen to you and do what you need to feel safe and comfortable in your own home.

I hope you're not paying for this wedding. I don't think you really need advice. You're not going. Let them have all the drama without you. Why go somewhere you're not really wanted nor welcomed. Tell husband you are quite happy not going and if he choses to go that's fine with you. Don't let him turn it into 'I didn't come because Donna would not come' or guilt you into going. He's a big boy, old enough to make or break his own relationships with his own adult children. You might consider traveling to the wedding area (without yourself actually attending) for a pamper Donna get-away. Husband goes to wedding and Donna goes shopping, lounges by pool, gets a pedi and mani, reads a good book while getting room service. You get the idea.