This is the classic damage that happens to children from divorce. This is why its so important for parents to EXPLAIN TO KIDS why things are happening. kids tend to blame themselves for everything around them because at their age they cannot grasp reality and societies ways of life. Thank God my husband always explains to his kids. WHy he left their mother, why he cannot go back with her. He always explains.

There is alot of facts missing from your explaination. There are many reasons a father could have left. One usual reason is the deep seeded hate for the ex wife. And the exwife causing him grief. She may have put a restraining order on him. He couldnt' stand seeing her while picking up and dropping of his daughter. Second. the amount of child support was so heavy he needed to get a better job to support his daughter. If that was so, they yes, he would leave the support for teh benefit of his daughter. Third, he may have been depressed. I know my husband was depressed because he felt at the time of the divorce, being a failure as a husband and a father. He felt he couldnt' fix the situation and left for the benefit of his kids. But he didn't leave the province or state. But he still left and his kids did blame themselves for a while.
What this man did wrong was that he did not explain to his daughter that he is leaving not because of her. He needs to leave for _______explaination. It should have been given to your friend. That way she would not have this complex of selfblame, less worth and so. ITs so IMPORTANT.
Unfortunately, the damage is done. But i honestly think, she should meet with her dad and confront him with her feelings. Tell him off the bat that she doesnt want to lose the relationship she has with him BUT she has long lingering questions and feelings of the past. She is an adult and has the right for answers. He will speak with her because she is not a child anymore.
i have to be honest. What i've noticed is that men just dont seem to see the same things woman do. My father also moved on and doesnt' speak anymore to us since he remarried. He speaks with me on the phone and now is trying to have a relationship. I've been invited this weekend to his house. I know whatever didn't happen in the past is long gone. He was never much of a father to me. I had alot of resentment and hate for him. Felt neglected, not good enough. But overcame it by delving into my environment and friends and talking my feelings out. But what helped me the most was my confrontation with him. It was heated and loud and alot of emotions poured out. But that helped me. Screaming at him and telling him he wasnt' there for me while i grew up helped me. I felt a closure of somesort. And from that point i moved on with my life. i finally married and have a child ofmy own.
Your friend needs to speak with her dad. She must on this, or she will never get over her feelings. Regardless of how much counseling is done.

I do know that her parents divorce was very civil, there were no restraining orders, etc. He and the ex worked things out without a lawyer as far as assets, etc. She was a very young child when it happened...I am talking maybe 3 or so. So I doubt if she would have understood anything explained to her anyway. So growing up the only thing she could gather is that her dad had moved far, far away where he couldn't see her very often.

When I say she would never bring it up with her dad, I don't mean that she never HAS, just that at this point she wouldnt. She has, years ago, tried asking him why, he has said that it was not due to a job or her mom or anything like that but would not give a definitive answer and was a bit defensive. He has said vague things like "Well that's just the way it had to work out for me and it doesn't need to be discussed", etc. What the hell does that mean? I mean, wouldn't it be easier to just say it was financial issues....? That I think would be a valid reason, and even if it was a "white lie" at least she wouldnt feel like she was worth giving up.

I just can't imagine any reason, ever, ever, ever to leave my child's life, not on threat of death. I can understand if there was violence involved, etc, that it would have to be that way for a while, but this was not that way. It was obviously not money. Depression....maybe, but I am a sufferer of depression and even I cannot imagine that keeping me from a child.

I am just at a loss.

I am glad that you found a measure of peace in your situation maria.

From the way he responded, it sounds like he is ashamed for the divorce. Failure. He probably prides himself so high that he couldnt' stand being reminded on a daily basis of his failure.So he got up and left. This is why he doesn't feel the need to explain himself. He is a selfish person. Because he did say: well, that is just the way it had to work out for me and it doesn't need to be discussed. He thinks, the past is the past, its over and he will not rehash the subject. He failed at something in life. He had to start new fresh new slate somewhere else.
There is your answer.This man left for his own selfish reasons and thought of no one else but himself. I'm surprised he is even speaking with her now. And i would ask your friend how her mother discribed her father. How her relationship was with him at the time. How was her relationship with her mother during those years. Because at the age of 3 you really dont remember anything except what you are told afterwards.
I'm sure this man still has a sense of guilt and that is why he gave money for college. To feel for himself that he did something when she needed it the most. College is expensive. But its the old fashion way of thinking like my father. The man works comes home, and brings the money in. If he has given money to his kids then he's done his job. But you see fatherhood now is much more than work and money. Its involving oneself on a daily basis with daily activities. My uncle was more of a father to me than my own biofather.
She is lucky the divorce was very civil. That is rare in itself. And seeing how this man made that comment, i wouldnt put too much energy into someone who barely gave any attention to me from the beginning. I think society has put your friends mind in a direction and is asking for things her father cannot give her. My father didn't, and it was futile to even fight for it because it was not in his nature to give that love and what society now describes what a father should be.
Her father sounds very old fashion. And that is the fashion. To leave the child with the mother because in their minds, they bring the money but the mother takes care and rears the child. Iv'e been raised in that fashion, but when i went to school and saw how others grew up and went to movies with their dads and they did activities together, It was foreign to me because the father figure does not do that in our culture.
Now adays those customs are changing. Thank God. Cause the clash of two cultures in raising children can really confuse a child growing up and cause resentment , feeling of neglect , poor selfworth, where there shouldn't be.
She needs alot of support and she should bellow out her feelings to her father for herself. Not for his sake. And he needs to be a man and stand up and listen. Not as her dad. She lost him long ago. She will never get that back.

I'm facing this decision myself I hurts my heart but I don't see financially struggling to support two households and seeing my children even less and supporting the home that was once mine. So I look to find my own happiness to get past this hurt. Is it fair to live in box or with your parents because she wants out. And suck it up for your kids and live with anguish and resentment? I don't know the answers I know what everyone tells me it's all about the kids. Is it selfish to think about my own happiness, children are never unscathed in a divorce and this is part of it. The side that doesn't have to struggle can take the high road. And the payer has to make due.

I don't know my road yet but I know my options