Good questions --

In a nutshell, now that he has 'won' primary custody (and be assured, 'winning' is exactly how he sees it) the pressure tactics have pretty much stopped. He just loves being able to tell people that his son chose to live with him. Before that, he went almost as far as your SC's BioMom to distort things, discredit my DH, buy DS's love. He really treated it like a 'most popular parent' contest and would gloat whenever he thought he had won a point. I never responded to the gloating, and asked repeatedly to just let DS love ALL of us and not to worry about how much he loved who, but it never worked. You wouldn't believe it if you had heard him brag how much DS loved his stepmother -- especially the "He said he likes her better than he likes you!" part. Just incredible. I just responded that I was glad DS loved her, because that would be best for them both.

One of the areas where he did the most damage was to DS's relationship with my DH. While he did his best to discredit me, I was pretty honest with DS from early on that "Daddy is still sad and angry that we couldn't live together, so he sometimes says things he doesn't really mean." When it escalated, and as DS got older, I changed it to "Sometimes your Dad says things out of anger that aren't quite true. Do you really think that was true?" Or "Your Dad sees things his way -- I see them differently. You'll need to decide for yourself what to believe."

When it was things about visitation, I'd tell him "Your Dad and I sat down together and decided what we thought was best, and this is what we decided on." Repeated over and over. When it meant he couldn't go to the circus, I'd say "I wonder why your Dad didn't get tickets for a time you could go?" And when DS has a pre-made excuse, I'd say "Then I wonder why your Dad wouldn't agree to trade that night for another night?"

I guess my DS was starting to catch on pretty well by age 12 or so also. He certainly gets it now -- Even though I don't have much respect for Ex, I still won't allow myself to be much of an audience for DS's gripes. I did tell him once that I would always want him back here with us, but that it was his decision - I wouldn't pressure him, and he would have to be able to tell his father that it was his choice. Sadly, I don't think that'll ever happen because Ex has raised bull-headed intimidation to an art form.

We used the " mommy is very angry and says things she really shouldn't be saying ... but when people get mad they say dumb stuff"... something like that but we did use the "mommy is angry" because they know mommy is angry she is angry all the time about everything ... very dramatic. example...Its the end of the world if her GPS in her car isn't working.

She was "warned" by a judge to discontinue talking with adult matters with the kids. We had said at one point to her stop having adult conversations with them... and she twisted it like we were saying she talks about sex with them. Had to point out in detail the things the kids would say ... she would deny it of course... I said well stop telling whoever is on the other end of the phone call ... adult issues like CS and visitation and what the judge said when the kids are within 100 feet of you. They are hearing it even if you aren't saying it to them directly. They get the message you are sending.

We don't have to worry about "winning or losing"... she wouldn't want to be responsible for them day in and day out... unless they were old enough to fend for themselves. That won't be for quite a few years.

Thanks for answering..

"We don't have to worry about "winning or losing"... she wouldn't want to be responsible for them day in and day out... "

That's funny -- Ex was like that when DS was a baby -- Didn't want to be bothered with the day to day responsability at ALL. Except when we were out in public. Then he would carry DS around and make all sorts of gooey baby noises and play "doting father" for whoever was watching.

I think he views having primary custody now the same way. He tells everyone he meets that HE has custody, that his som lives with HIM instead of his mother, that his son CHOSE to live with him -- All part of the same pathetic show.

Once the kids are old enough to be "maintenance free" -- do you think she will change her mind then? And how does your state view the children's wishes? Do they give it lots of weight, or just a little? I'd keep good notes just in case --

My MIL stated it best I believe... I asked why would they have 3 under 3 if they were not compatible? My MIL said ... she (bm) liked having all those babies but she didn't want children.(she moved out when youngest was 4). She was never doting ... from what I can tell and heard from others her friends and relatives included so its not one sided.

I document everything even highlights of phone conversations... I have a great memory so just a reminder of what we were talking about usually brings back the whole conversation.

Maintenence free for her in my opinion they would all have to have a license and their own vehicles.

Their last conversation consisted of her saying I should be like all the other fathers out there who just pay support and walk away ... hubby said that would be better than blaming others why you can't be with them.

I don't know what the state laws are ... but I know she talks to the kids about "living with her" ... then calls hubby and tells him the kids want to live with her. He asks her when do you want them? no no I am just saying this is what they are telling me. He asks the oldest (12) do you want to live with your mom Its up to you ? He asks why and hubby tells him because your mom said thats what you told her. SS then says yeah we tell her that because she cries that she misses us and its how we make her happy but we don't really mean it.