You are going to get jumped on because of this post ... but here is what I do ...

Unless the kids call me directly I do not speak to them when they are at their moms....

Its her time with them. I know it sucks you want to talk to them but better off not doing it .. it puts the children in a tough spot and it puts mom on edge ... Let her enjoy her time with them. You will have them soon enough.

Mom cannot call me directly on my cell (blocked) she has to leave a message or call the house and If we are home I answer or the kids do. I have to communicate with mom but its on my terms and convienence not hers.

I figured that I would get jumped on because of this post, but oh well! I come here to vent and get advice, so I ignore it when people jump on me!

Anyways, my dh wanted to call the kids 1-2x a week while they are gone. This is the longest he has ever been away from the kids, and because of their bm's track record of being less than good, he feels the need to make sure that they are ok. It makes him feel better to call and hear that they are okay because he was VERY uneasy about sending them in the first place. (lots of bad things happened at her house out here when they used to visit) So, when he talks to them it only makes sense that they would talk to me.

Yes, I am aware of the fact that I am not their bm, but like it or not I do play a larger part in their lives than she does. (this comment is directed at those who constantly feel the need to tell sm's that they have no part in the kids lives) I raise my skids full time and my dh and I both believe that gives me the right to have imput in every aspect of their lives. I am a mother to them, wheter bm's like it or not. I am the one with their father at parent/teacher conferences, setting up play dates, tucking them in at night, cooking for them, doing hw with them, loving them, talking to them, making them happy, and doing everything else they need etc.
Being a mom is not all about giving birth, even a teenager can give birth. To me, being a mom is about all the things that I listed above. As much as bm's are going to hate this comment, I am more of a mother to them than their bm. She chose to leave them and their father to be with another guy. She chose not to fight for her kids in court. She chose to call seldomly. She chose to blow off visitations. She chose to move out of state. She chose to expose them to bad things. Those choices she made are on her, I am just the one who stepped in and became a mother to the kids. So no matter what anyone says, I feel that I have the right to be called "mom" by them and make decisions regarding them. (They ASKED me if they could call me mom-I never gave them the idea)

So, back on topic!
I do like that your sk's mom can not call your cell, she has to leave a message or call the house. I think that we will have to do that.

I DEFINITELY understand where you are coming from and why your feelings are hurt. But, keep in mind it is the age old loyalty issue rearing its ugly head. The kids can't show you how they truly feel about you when BM is around because they feel they are betraying her. It is amazing how quickly they learn how to act in whatever situation they are in. They know they can brush you off and you will still love them when they get home. They have that security in you. They are less secure in their BM's love which is why they work so hard to gain her approval. They always fear her rejection which she has done over and over again. I know it is hard, but just look forward to their return and some return to normalcy. And as you know in your heart, you are doing the right thing by encouraging their relationship with BM. They will love you for it and you are doing yourself a favor by not giving them any reason to resent you when they are older.

Thanks for your post. I know that they act differently because of their bm and her jealousy of their relationship with me. And I am just sorry that they feel that they have to treat me differently to make her happy. But your right, when they get home things will return to normal. I had a wonderful relationship with my stepmother when I was growing up and often felt closer to her than to my own mother. I remember how it felt when my mom used to "quiz" me about my visits with my dad and stepmom. And I remember my mom talking negatively about my dad and stepmom. I always heard her on the phone with her friends talking about how I had come back from my dads and she had to "deprogram" me! And then she would complain about everything I had told her during my "quiz" (it is nice to be able to go on this forum and type all our feelings, so not to be overheard by the kids :) )

It felt awful for me hearing my mom, and I feel for what the kids go through with their bm. I do always remember that my dad and stepmom NEVER badmouthed my mom and I always felt comfortable talking to them about everything. That is what I want for my skids.

Honey, you keep taking the high road. I think we all know this BM isn't well, mentally. You are the 'mother' for all purposes and she knows it, is trying to get some unnecessary digs in here and there.

I think that if they if were gone for a weekend, you could let 'no contact' slide, but there's no way I'd consider your DH's approach out of line by wanting a couple of calls/week esp. in light of her past stunts.

Perhaps you could ask BM to have the kids call when it's convenient, but I doubt that would ever happen.

She's jealous of their obvious affection for you and knows she's dropped the ball as far as mothering goes. Sit tight and pray for their safe arrival back home soon. I understand your frustration, but again, your taking the high road is the biggest favor you're doing for the children.

Dana

I didn't get the impression from the initial post that the children's mother objected to their father talking to them.

"My husband talked first and when I began talking to one of the kids her bm began saying "we are leaving" so my sd had to hang up with me"

Parents do get to determine who comes into their house via the telephone. The NCP should be able to talk to their children whenever he or she wants, as should the child's siblings and possibly grandparents, but anyone else is at the discretion of the parent with whom the child is at the moment.

thotherside: so are you saying that you think that their bm should not allow them to talk to me for the few weeks a year they are with her? If so, then that would give me the right to not let her talk to them the other 350+ days a year they are in my care...do you see the problem? I AM a PARENT to the kids. I have as much (well actually more) right to speak to the kids when they are not with me as she does when they are not with her. Her not letting them talk to me, or hurrying them off the phone with me is NOT RIGHT! And you justifying it and saying she should only let grandparents, siblings, and their dad talk is ridiculous!

mom2emall - you are in a tough spot. It does sound like the BioMom may feel jealous and resentful toward you, which is unfortunate. Being a SM can be a thankless job, and that's especially hard to take when the kids live with you and their dad. While you may worry about them while they are with their mom, I have to say that Cawfe gave really good advice. Just let them be with their mom. If you wants to be mean and spiteful, let her. Just don't let her know it bothers you. She would no doubt enjoy that.

And thank you for putting TOS in her place. Her reasoning is ridiculous. I really don't understand how she could justify BioMom's rudeness.

No of course it wouldn't give you that right. She is their mother. You have NO legal right to speak to the kids when they are not with you. You are not a parent, you are a step-parent. Their father, on the other hand, does have a right to speak to them when they are with their mother.

I am sure she allows lots of non-relatives to speak to her children, but who that includes is entirely up to her when they are in her care.

Why do you "need" to speak to them during those two weeks. Surely their father is perfectly capable of determining how they are doing. You are not left wondering if they are ok. Plenty of kids go to camp for a couple of weeks or more and their parents manage not to speak to their kids at all during that time. Surely you can manage to go that long as well.

theotherside: in reading what you have written in other posts I see that your very bitter towards your ex's wife. Maybe your bringing your resentment towards his new wife onto this forum? It is nice to hear a bm's position on issues but you need to keep in mind that your situation is completely different...you have your kids full-time, which gives you more rights than a mother who abandons hers and moves out of state. You may even be easier to deal with than the bm I deal with.

I am a bm too and have never treated my ex's girlfriends the way my dh's ex treats me. I have always been kind to them and never bad mouthed them to my child. My ex does not really call our child often, but that is because he sees our child overnight one night each week and for the whole weekend everyother weekend. So, he does not feel the need to call. But, if he did I would have no problem with my child talking to my ex and his girlfriend.

In my situation I am more the "mom" than their bm is. Is an adoptive mom any less of a mom...or is she given the right to be the mother and make the decisions? I am the same as an adoptive mom. I raise the kids while the bm lives her own life the way she wants to, without paying support or being a part of the kids life. In my situation, the bm comes around every so often instead of not at all.

The only thing that I have not done for the kids that she has was give birth. I hardly think that the fact that she gave birth gives her the right to act the way she does.

Why do I "need" to speak to them during the few weeks they are gone? Because, like any other PARENT,(yes, I do consider myself their parent and anybody who argues that is just plain ignorant) I miss them and know that they miss me. I am not the type of parent that would send any of my kids to camp for weeks and not communicate with them at all. So this situation is no different.

As far as legalities go, she has no legal right for visitation. My husband has SOLE CUSTODY, and because she did not ever bother to show up to any of their 20 or so court dates, she has NO VISITATION! I get to see them EVERY DAY (except during this visitation that my dh AND I were KIND enough to GIVE her).Yes, we discussed it and BOTH agreed to let them go. I have a say in EVERY aspect of their lives because I DO RAISE THEM (their bm does not) So, I guess that I have more legal rights than her.
So, legally I do NOT have to let them talk to her when they are here. My point is that I ALLOW THEM TO TALK TO HER AND VISIT HER,(because I know it is in their best interests) so she should respect that and return the favor when it comes to e-mail and phone usage. She should think about their best interests for once instead of playing her games. She might want to think about how much it hurts them when she bad mouths me to them and tells them they are not allowed to call me mom. And she might want to think about how she made her daughter feel by acting like she was leaving without her because she was talking to me. I hope that you do not really support her actions. There is NO justification for them. They are hurting the kids most, what kind of mom does things that will hurt her kids just so she can have some type of control?

Its up to DH.

kkny: Marriage is an equal partnership. (well it is supposed to be) My husband and I both agreed that we would have an equal say in raising the children. Since I am with them on a daily basis, and with them while he is at work, we agreed that we would both have equal say when it comes to the children. So the decision in not ultimately up to him. He was not so excited about them going, and if I would have also strongly disagreed with them going he would have kept them home. As a bm you might not like that, but his ex put herself in this situation where I have much more say in her kids lives than she does. If a bm does not like that then I suggest they make sure they do not abandon their kids like she did.

Oh please. I am the mom. A stepmom has no legal rights to the child. And most second marriages, especially those with children lend in divorce. By an overwhelming percentage. So go ahead and lord it over the first wife and mom. Right now you have dads money helping make things easy for you. For now.

If your H died tomorrow, most likely the kids would be placed with their mother. Unless she has relinquished her parental rights, in which case you should have adopted them, she and their father are their parents in the eyes of the law. If you refused to allow her to talk to her children and she took it to court, you would almost definitely lose.

My exH spends almost no time with most of our children - I wouldn't be surprised if my next door neighbor knows them better than he does. Just because he doesn't act like a parent doesn't make him legally not one. I still couldn't refuse to allow him to call them, not that I would.

kkny: not everyone is in your situation, as far as your ex's gf staying home while you work. In my situation it is reversed. The kids bm does not work or pay child support. I do work and make the same amount that my dh does. I have a masters degree and definately contribute to the household. (By the way...I earned my bachelors and masters degree while being a single mother before I met my husband)So, regardless of what you may think, not all stepmoms are "lazy" and live off the husband! And I did perfectly fine before I met my husband. I had my own house and car and was perfectly fine financially. I did not marry my husband for financial reasons. As for your statistics on divorce, bm's like you are probably the reason for that! I do get aggrevated by my dh's ex, but not enough to end our marriage! As for "go ahead and lord it over the first wife and mom" I am not sure what you mean by that!

thotherside: As for your point on death, yes she may get the kids eventually. Though with her record, maybe not. I started this post because I was upset about her not letting me talk to the kids, and you just said you would not deny your ex from talking to your kids. That was my point in all of this, she was wrong for the way she acted when I was trying to talk to one of the kids. As far as not letting her talk to the kids, I am a better person than that, but was just pointing out that I could do it too. She never showed up for her divorce or custody stuff, so I doubt that she would bother taking my ex to court over phone calls. Plus, someone who does not work might have a hard time paying for a lawyer who would even take that to court.

Mom2emall: You are correct in everything you have said. Instead of showing some common courtesy towards you who is the woman (MOTHER in my book) who is raising her children, BM chooses to play her little games. Furthermore, she is putting a major guilt trip on these kids which may temporarily suit her, but will certainly hurt the kids in the long run, which is something you would not do.

You don't have to justify anything here - you are a caring woman who knows both sides of this fence and has handled each with grace, something many choose not to have.

I had a similar situation years ago w/ my dear nephews, whom I had every day from right after work til their mom and my brother came to pick them up which depended on the TV shows airing that night. I also had them pretty much all weekend long. The boys were quite young when this began: 1, 2.5, almost 5 and continued on for years. She wasn't a druggie or a drunk, just doesn't have a maternal instinct in her and was definitely not a nurturer. Two of the three boys have special needs (autism, ADHD w/ non-specified LD) that she wasn't up to dealing with. Anyway, I'd take them (w/ my brother and my parents) on a summer vacation each August for ~ 5 days. We'd call her when we arrived, and nightly thereafter at my insistance. She isn't very communicative (I think she's borderline autistic but the label wasn't popular back then) and never seemed to care.

One year, she and her parents took the boys away. My parents and I pleaded w/ them to just let us know they arrived safely - but nothing. No cell phones to call, no itinerary for us, no hotel (things I always gave to her and her parents before we'd go), etc. No common courtesy expressed - my mother and I are major worriers and just wanted to hear they got in w/o any trouble, you know?

I was 'mommy' to those dear nephews of mine, a name she resented and I understand that. But, she was not a 'mother' to them at all - never gave them a bath, worked w/ them on school work, and spent about 8 hrs/day w/ them, but everyone was asleep! So, there was very little interaction and I was the one who stepped up. I had them exposed to tennis, golf, taught them to swim, had them in karate, baseball and on and on. She wouldn't even go to their games and when the youngest two were 2 and 3.5, I told my brother it was high time they were baptized (we are Catholic as is she, though she doesn't practice) and she refused to come to the baptism! While I understand her resentment/jealousy now more than ever since being a biomom to three boys, too, I'd have NEVER opened that door and allowed someone else to raise my children, you know?

So, I find your BM's attitude appalling. She should kiss the ground you walk on for all you've done for HER children. Love how they play the "my" child stuff when it's convenient. Anyway, BM ought to open her eyes to some of the stepmonsters out there and be darned grateful you have not only loved and accepted these kids as your own, you have done your best to keep them speaking to her!

TOS brought up a good point about adopting them, but you KNOW she'd show up for that court date and object - not that she has any interest in raising them, but just so that you wouldn't be able to adopt them. I once toyed w/ that idea w/ my dear nephews but no attorney felt I had a chance...

This is just another jewel in your crown!

Dana

Well, things are getting a little heated in this room, aren't they?

Mom2Mom, I have to give you kudos for being there and loving so completely these children. Of course, you ought to be allowed to talk to them. If everyone would behave like adults, this should be no problem. I suspect the sticking point is something you said:

"I am a mother to them, wheter bm's like it or not. I am the one with their father at parent/teacher conferences, setting up play dates, tucking them in at night, cooking for them, doing hw with them, loving them, talking to them, making them happy, and doing everything else they need etc."

And therein lies the rub. She may have walked away. She may, in fact, be a truly terrible mother. But she's not human if she doesn't feel some sort of jealousy/remorse for the way she's handled her parenting responsibilities. It must be a bitter pill to swallow that her children love you so much and that you're there for all the moments that she can't be. She is not a mature person. You are. In this case, put the kids first and don't put them on the spot. It's only two weeks. The children will come home to you and your loving presence in their lives.

They've had some rough knocks, undoubtedly, being abandoned by their mother. They have little time with her and they probably like it that way.

You are the gift God gave them for living through a bad mother.

I have had the "death" conversation with hubby ... If he dies would I "get the kids" ... He said she would probably pay me the CS just so she doesn't have to spend the time with them. And I joke with him saying ... If you die She will be the first person I call because I will not raise these kids alone. She can do it she is their mother.

And I posted on this a while ago... but if hubby ended up in the hospital for an extended period of time she would be the first person I called again ... come get your children my husband is in the hospital call you when he is better.

To certain posters of course it is up to DH but if he is the one handing SM the phone I guess he made the choice. Mom didn't return dads phone call either. They had to keep calling ... you mean at any point of the trip she couldn't say hey call your dad and tell him what fun you are having? Mom made a choice to isolate her children.

Guess SMs we can't win for trying ... no matter what we post about we get slammed ... You can't love them or hate them just have to sit back and feel nothing. We should push them away because they are hubbys kids we should not care for them they are not our children. They are just little people who live with us. We should not interact with them. We should let them fend for themselves until their father walks in the door. Make dinner for you and hubby and your kids leave the SC out let them get their own or have hubby do it. We should only wash our own clothes let hubby wash the rest. We should only get our own children up and ready for school in the morning not the SC they can have daddy do it when he leaves for work at 6 am. They can walk to school even though you are going to the same school to drop off other children because they are not your children.

Do you see how foolish that sounds. No we are not their mothers(noun) but we do mother (verb) them. We care for them on a daily basis and get nothing from it but the satifaction at the end of the day that we have done a good job with them and they will hopefully grow up to be decent adults. Some woman are not maternal but they are quick to judge anyone who is maternal to their children. They couldn't do it with their own kids they don't know how another woman could do it with theirs.

"As for your statistics on divorce, bm's like you are probably the reason for that!"

And would that be becuase I make certain my DD recieves money she is entitled to? And that causes friction in Xs house? You could be right. I dont talk to either X or his GF, email him only involving DD, and I make certain DD sees her dad whenever he wants, including providing transportation most of the time.

Thanks to everyone that was supportive and did not try to badger me because of their own personal resentment towards the stepmom in their childs life. It is nice to get a pat on the back from fellow stepmoms who know what I go through. And I like your points cawfecup about what we for sc and should we just stop? (since we are not moms according to some jealous people!)

KKNY: again your talking about money, that seems to be a huge issue with you. Is that because you NEED your ex's money to survive? Is it because you hate to see the fact that your ex still does well for himself? I do not battle with my ex over money, he has paid the same $90 a week since my child was a year old. It is not what I could get, but I do not battle about it because he has a good relationship with our child and I do not feel like he should have to pay me a ridiculous amount not be able to pay his own bills. I have seen so many ex's go through that, they have to pay such a ridiculous amount in cs and alimony that they can not pay their own bills or support children they may have with their new wives. Though the men may not have been wonderful husbands and contributed greatly to the divorce, does that mean that they should move into a cardboard box for life? Unfortunately that seems to be your mentality and the mentality of many x's. I can not imagine that so many divorces happen and it is ALL the mans fault. When a marriage falls apart women need to look at themselves too.

What I meant regarding why divorces are at a high rate in second marriages is that many 1st wives resent the new wife in their x's life. So, they make trouble. They use the kids as pawns and try to put their ex through the ringer. They make it impossible for their x to see the kids by putting stipulations into the visitation about the new woman not being around the kids and so on. (and they play games with phone calls, like in my situation) It is just ridiculous if you ask me! While it would not be good for the kids to see daddy with a different woman all the time, if it is one woman then the bm is being ridiculous by trying to stop kids from being around her! I have heard about xwives calling hubbys new wives and trying to convince them of horrible things. Or even x's trying to throw themselves back at their former hubby (which is what my husbands ex tried to do once when we first moved in together). No matter what, the ex in my case is not hurting our marriage. But she does frustrate me, and that is why I am on a STEPFAMILIES forum getting support. Why are bm's with no stepfamily on here anyways? If you are not here for support, and just feel that you should badger sm's then maybe you should just head on over to the parents forum.......

I think money is an issue with most divorces.

The point of CS is that child did not cause divorce, and child should not have decrease in standard of living. Fault does not work its way into CS. If CS payments mean XH can not afford more children (which my X doesnt want anyway), then either SM has to bear burden or standard of living goes down. That is how law works in my state. This is not punishing X, but taking care of child. She should not have a lower standard of living becasue of divorce.

X is entitled to see DD whenever he wants. His GF or even wife is not. If he is not home, there is no point in visit. My DD is old enought that her wishes are respected.

In my state when a father has visitation he can leave the child in someone elses care while he works (i.e. girlfriend or stepmom) You are keeping your daughter from forming a bond with her dads gf even though she has been with your x for a while and it seems as if she is staying. That is satisfying your need to be the only woman in your dd's life, but I doubt it is really best for dd! I hope that you do not go as low as telling her that she does not need to respect dad's gf or listen to her. From the sounds of it (your comments on how your daughter and you feel about your ex's gf not working) I get the idea that you do badmouth your ex's gf to your daughter, which puts your dd in a bad spot. She feels loyalty to you, so she probably tries to make herself not like dad's gf. Your hurting your daughter by those actions.

If you had a serious bf I doubt that you would only have him around when your dd was gone. And if you did get married, I highly doubt that your hubby would never watch your dd. Would you want your dd and new hubby to not form a bond? Would you want them to be distant?

As for standard of living, cs should help with supporting the dd, not you. Your no longer married to your ex, so he should not have to support you.

Of course parents can leave child with other adult while working. Parents of children over 5 are encouraged to work. But for the purpose of bonding with GF? That is not a goal. I try to maintain relationship with DD and her dad. If I were to remarry (hard to beleive -- but certainly not till DD goes away to college), I would like everyone to get along, but see no need for a bond. And DD saw for yourself that GF had affair with dad -- which makes it difficult to beleive there will ever be any bonding between teh two of them.

AS to my resenting GF not working -- DD was the one who told me, and she thought it was pathetic. The only reason I didnt want to work when I was younger was I had a small child.

As to CS increasing moms standard of living -- if it enables a mom to have a larger house or apartment becuz a child is there, that is what happens. And if enables mom to live in nicer school district that is what happens.

You think the moms have a sense of entitlement. I think some SMs wish dads old family would either becomes theirs or go away. No middle ground, of family staying put but mom having custody and support.

I can only say that I know I have many of my views, dating back to an early age, based on or heavily influenced by my mom's views on the subject. I see how my views of my DH influence my boys' views of him. I have to be VERY careful not to let them know if I'm irked by their dad. If I'm pleased w/ Dad, they're pleased w/ Dad. One time I griped about something (on the phone w/ my mother, thinking they couldn't hear me) and when DH came home, the oldest said, "Dad, why did you take the asst. at work so Mom had to work alone? Now her back's sore!" I was embarrassed as I'm sure he thought I was complaining to three little kids!

It's only natural - the person w/ the most influence when kids are young is usually the mother. I'm sure, KK, that your DD has somehow figured out your take on the hand in which you've been dealt and has, naturally, adopted your opinions as her own. It's tough to hide that from her, no doubt. What was done wasn't fair or right and for the gf to sit back and do nothing while you still work must be salt in the wound. However, I do believe in karma and if this is an attractive gf, looks fade. If she thinks she's smart, she isn't. Her and your X will have a higher power than anyone here to answer to at the end of the road. I try to believe that about those who have wronged me and seem to sail through life w/o any problems...

D

"I think some SMs wish dads old family would either becomes theirs or go away. No middle ground, of family staying put but mom having custody and support."

I agree that some sm's wish that the old family would become theirs or go away. In my case the kids have become mine, this is due to the fact that their bm faded out of their lives after the split (her cheating caused the split-my husband was faithful to her). Their mom made the choice to leave and not talk to the kids or visit for extended periods of time. I did not make this happen, it was going on long before I entered the picture! So I did not wish it or cause it! Walking into a family was not easy as pie. But I fell in love with my dh and my sk's.

Honestly, I wish that his x would have stayed living close by and that she would have been a better mother. Seeing the disappointment in my sk's faces each time she blew them off, or each time they called a disconnected number and hearing my sd's cry on mothers day because they had no way to get a hold of their mother (she withheld phone #'s and addresses from us because of her jealous/controlling boyfriend). That hurt me to see them go through that.

As for them living with their mom, well maybe if she were a better mother things would have worked out differently and they would live with her and I guarantee my dh would have been paying cs. Funny how she is not!

As for me, I don't meddle in my ex's life. I don't talk badly about his gf to our child. If my ex is working late on his weekend I allow his gf to pick up our child so it will be easier on him. My child does have a bond with my ex's gf and I think that it is good. My child looks forward to going to my ex's house and has learned many things from dad's gf...like playing the piano. If I would have tainted my childs opinion of my ex's gf by badmouthing her than my child would be missing out on having another adult in their life that cares about them. When I was not married and living with my dh yet my child got the chicken pox and had to be out of school for a while. Because of my kindness and acceptance of my ex's gf I did not have to take off 2 weeks of work to stay with my child. (and I did not have 2 weeks of sick days to take)
I took a few days, my dh (who was still my bf at the time) took a few, my ex took a few, and even his gf took a few days off work!

Honestly, I wish that bm's and sm's could get along for the best interests of the children. If my dh's ex was a decent person then I think that her and I could have the same relationship that I have with my x's gf. My child is very happy and never has to feel torn between households, unfortunatley I can not say the same for my sk's or your daughter KKNY. But someday all the kids will grow up, I know that my child and my stepchildren will know that I ALWAYS did the right thing by them and never tried to make them feel bad or torn between parents. It is a shame that so many bm's will not be able to say the same...(kkny)

It's a battle only if both parties engage, & I don't see how you can win this one:

If you force these children to choose between the mother who gave them life & the one who mothers them day-to-day, you'll just add to their stress level, & you'll compromise their trust in you.

Get hubs to say, "Mom (or Sweetie or whatever your motherly name is) says hi, & she loves you", &
*let*
*it*
*go*.

You can't change it, & the kids'll get over it/see through it:

Let it go.

I have no desire that I be the only woman in my DDs life. I encourage her to have relationships with both of her Grandmothers (obviously including her fathers mom), aunts, teachers etc. I am the mom, and the only mom. And dads GF, who yes, was the OW, is not a role model.

Hello Mom2emall,

I think you are a wonderful person for raising those children and I agree with you when you wish that all parents and sp could get along for the sake of the children. It would make life so much easier, but sometimes it is harder to do, especially when you are dealing with a BM who may not be stable. Just remember that you are doing a good thing and it is the day to day actions you take that make you a good mother to them. Believe in yourself and know that you are making a wonderful difference in their lives.

Of course, I'm sure you realize this, but BM is probably very jealous of you. You have managed to come into her kids' lives and care for them in a way that she was unable to for whatever reason and it sounds like you were able to do this pretty easily. I like to believe that all parents want what is best for their kids, but when they fall short, they must feel pretty badly about it. I know that I would.

Don't worry about the phone call. Concentrate on the big picture. I know it is easy to get upset about CS and the demands of raising kids, but come here and vent all that you want. We will listen and even if some posters want to argue about certain things, at least you aren't arguing with your husband or kids. It is probably really healthy for all of us when we argue and at least we can turn off the computer whenever we want.

Take care,
E