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While SS is here.......

19 years ago

Do I make DH enforce chores since SS's threatening to move back to BM's or just let it go? I'm sorta walking on eggshells as I'm afraid DH is going to lose it pretty soon since SS is saying he wants to go live with BM. Am I being unreasonable for expecting SS to pitch in?

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Comments (6)

mom_of_4
19 years ago
I think it is important that you and DH not allow ss to play this game... yes, if everyone else does chores than he should too... otherwise SS is in control of family and no child should have that much control
cawfecup
19 years ago
Whether he lives with BM or not ... there are still rules at your house and while he is there he should be following them... I know easier said than done.

Hubby is going to try to play good guy because son holds "I am going to go live with mom card" over his head. There are still things that need to be done as a family whether he does them or hubby does them for him they still need to be done.

As long as SS holds that card and hubby gives in and lets him get "away" with not doing as he is supposed to. There won't be any control in the house.

So I would either tell hubby to have son do it or hubby do it. Yeah its going to be a battle but this one you can win.

Has he told SS if you go live with mom there is no turning back till the end of the school year? or whatever time... not 3 weeks from now?
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Lonepiper, this is the SS that didnt seem to want to do anything. And still doesnt. One of the reasons I find this forum so incredibly helpful is because I can "tell it like it is" in a way I could NEVER do with anyone else, even DH. I appreciate the candid feedback and really learn from it. Thank you. So, SS1 spent this past weekend with us. DH asked him what his overall GPA was, and SS1 responsed that its a 3.0. Then DH asked how that could be since he had far worse grades than that. He said "In High School, that's what they told me I had". Dh explained "you aren't in HS anymore. you are in college. Your HS GPA doesnt count anymore." SS1 looked surprised. DH explained to him that falling below a 2.0 results in academic probation at his college. It also jeopardizes his ability to take student loans, get into the Department he wants, be a "Resident Assistant" in the dorm (requires above 3.0) and basically most other things. The biggest thing is that it means he might not get housing second year. DH had a very serious talk with him about taking some ownership for his future. He just sits and listens and never responds. If you ask him, he says he understands, but other than that there is no indication he gets it. His colleagues at his summer job last year nicknamed him "serial killer" because after months, they couldn't figure him out. I almost died when he came home and told us that. He told us that very matter of factly. I asked him if he understood why, and he didn't. I explained it meant that they see you as someone that they cant figure out, so you could be anything, even a serial killer. I think that this nickname is a HUGE red flag. I tried to get DH to see it that way and he said I was overreacting. I asked him if he hangs out with anyone at college, and to tell me about them. He said he doesn't. He said he sleeps most of the time when he isnt studying or in class. He hasn't gone to a meal, a game, or anything with one other person, with the exception of his roomates who he apparently ate with once. I had a long talk with my mother about it yesterday and she has thought for a long time he might be clinically depressed. his HS teachers referred to him as "aloof". What I don't get is why he hasn't ever been evaluated or why any type of intervention hasn't taken place. Problem for him is: he is good looking and appears normal and kind. He smiles and makes eye contact. He has squeaked by with below average grades. He hasn't ever participated in one sport, club, or other extracurricular activity. He has literally flown under the radar in a way that basically got him unnoticed. My mother and I have speculated about everything from sexual abuse to aspergers syndrome. We know something is going on, just can't put our finger on it. BM and DH dont seem all that concerned....if it were up to me, he would have had a complete physical and psychological work up. As I'm not the parent, I really dont have a lot to say, especially because it has become a "sensitive subject" between myself and DH. He is coming to terms that things might not be as he thought. I feel bad for him, and am here to assist when he needs me.
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sieryn
19 years ago
ditto... we've also played the 'I'm going to live with BM so I can have my way' game, funny it would always end with him calling the next day wanting to come home cause he couldn't have his full way there either.

I would change absolutely nothing as far as your expectations for him.
laurels4u
Original Author
19 years ago
Thank you all for your advice. I was sorta thinking the same thing, as long as he's here, he follows our rules. While SS's at BM's or the GP's, we all still chip in to get the housework done, make dinner, etc. Unfortunately, DH is in seclusion right now requesting to be alone. I think I'll wait until tomorrow to say anything.

I was actually in on the conversation in which DH told SS that this is not a game we're playing. He's said it over and over again but SS is holding firm with he's going to BM's. Unfortunately, since SS is so emotionally immature, I'm not sure he realizes the magnitude of this situation.
vistajpdf
19 years ago
You've gotten great advice. I'm just sorry this is happening to you. What a shame that any son/daughter has this thing to hold over his/her parent's head! When I was little, I once threatened to run away. My mother went straight to my room and started packing me a suitcase...I never threatened that again, lol. You can imagine what I did when my then 4 y.o. made the same idle threat - should have seen the look on HIS face, lol. But, I was not the product of a divorce nor is my son. I'm sure it's way more difficult when the kid actually does have another option as I know you'd love to just pack his bags for him and say 'good-bye' to him and his crappy attitude.

Dana
laurels4u
Original Author
19 years ago
Dana, my mom used to do the same thing to me when I was younger! I've done the same thing to DD when she's threatened to go live with her dad in the past. She hasn't done it since! I actually just found out that her dad has extended her the invitation to go live with him and she said no way.

I tried telling DH last night that he needs to do the same thing with SS. He snapped back that I would never do that with DD, told him I had but he didn't believe me as he wasn't in the picture when I did it to DD. He keeps pestering the kid about staying here but SS isn't budging. I want to tell DH that this is all his fault for giving the boy so much control but know it isn't the time. I tried telling him that this has been in the works for months and SS, EW, and DH's mom have all continuously lied about it. DH keeps protecting and making excuses for them all. What baffles me is, if this went to court and a psychologist evaluated SS, they would never take his wishes into consideration considering his immaturity (our atty told us that), but yet his parents are allowing him complete control over this situation.

I couldn't care either way if he stays or goes. I'm sad for my DH be/c I know how upset he is. I fear so many other things as well - EOW, extended summer visits, frantic phone calls, etc.

The ironic thing in all of this is, since SS told his dad he was leaving, this is the most pleasant SS has been and the most he has tried to be nice to me. I brought that up to DH and asked him why. He shrugged his shoulders at me.

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