Thanks for your advice. I should be so lucky as to have a Husband who would listen to common sense crap.

We did the couples counseling thing a few years ago, at his suggestion, because of the SD situation. When the counselor (whom he chose) began to point out how SD actions were detrimental, he got upset and left out, refusing to go back.

The counselor informed me that this would be the situation I would have to deal with, probably forever, as their relationship was longer lasting and the way they both seemed to want to live. I cut loose a bit of my hopes for the future then, but didn't want to leave the marriage, because then she is the winner and he and I are both alone again.

So I decided to back away from the emotional investment I had in my marriage, and just enjoy the good and try to ignore the bad.

Even now, I feel sorry for him that he wants a certain type of relationship between the SD and I that will most likely never be. DH even tries to lay religon on me, that if I am a true "Christian" I should love and forgive and try to build a relationship. This from an agnostic who rarely sets foot in anybody's Church! I then explain how Christ said after you explain the situation to a person, 'shake the dust off your feet" and move on.

So, I have chosen to be looked at as the mean one who will not have another conversation with this particular SD until after I have informed her again, and her father, that calling him foul names in front of me is unacceptable. I want him to tell me to my face that it is okay for her to say these kinds of things. Right now, I think keeping a respectful distance is best for all involved.

My in laws, who I thought wanted the best for us, have suggested I leave him , "since he will not change". Only one sibling has ever told him his actions with his daughter is a problem. That has strained their relationship until this day, and the others are content to smile in his face and gossip behind his back. I stopped complaining to any of them after that, because I did not want advice from people who think I should give up, especially when none of them are leaving their imperfect marriages.

Maybe I am wrong, but I think they also want him freer to be as generous/gullible as he has in the past (right now they want him to take an overpriced condo off of their hands).

Oh Gayle. I think my husband's family wants the same. For him to be free of me so that he can continue to indulge their needs. I feel bad for him, but at the same time, I have pointed this out and he feels that I am wrong...so be it. I need to look out for myself at this point. Oddly, even facing my 50th birthday, I would rather go on alone than continue with this man and this situation. So, that's what I am working towards doing. I really feel for you.
Susan

scaruso57-

We are in the exact same place mentally when it comes to the SK situation. It is so nice to have someone who understands what I am going thru. The thing is, you don't want the parent to turn their back on the adult child, but it would be nice if they could see the harm they are causing by being so darn indulgent. Peace alone is better than turmoil with a partner. I am positive of that. I just have to decide when the last line has been crossed, or that last piece of straw is about to drop on the camel's back. Just know, you are not alone in your situation, you have a kindred spirit out in cyberspace.

Hi scaruso & peace_keeper:
It really sounds as if you gals have a lot in common. About four months ago now, I "met" an SM through a different message board than this one and she asked if she could email me personally b/c it appeared we had so much in common. Over the past four months, this gal & I have gone from personal emails to frequent visits by phone. Our support of one another has not only turned into a wonderful friendship between us but we have both grown tremendously in handling our individual family problems.

We have read numerous "help" books ("StepWars"; "Toxic In-Laws"; "In Sheep's Clothing"; "Where to Draw the Line", and others) and have shared what we've learned and put the advice into practice. In fact, we both have learned to put boundaries into place rather than feeling that we need to defend ourselves. This allows us to remain loving and caring towards those in our families who may mean us harm.

Our friendship is a true blessing and I just wanted to share my story with you b/c "blessings" can be found through cyberspace :)
God bless you both!

Hi Notwicked. Thanks for the post. I have a link to my personal e-mail on this site...just click on my name. I have decided to give this marriage and stepparenting to my 25 year old SS one last try. My husband and I decided that we both have alot to lose--if we give up now. We also realize that we cannot go on fighting about his son (who I believe wants to move back to Chicago from San Diego...and will probably stay with us while he searches for an apartment). I have felt very isolated for the past 6 years. I don't know any other step mothers, and I truly believe, you really need to be a stepparent to understand the complexities of the dynamics involved. I know some people can assume this role easily, so I have been told, but my guess is that they are very rare indeed.

I guess what I am saying is, I want to be part of the solution to my marital problems relative to this situation, rather than part of the problem. This forum has taught me that there are many good women out there in cyberspace who are attempting the same. Please, anyone who is wishing to offer and accept support relative to step parenting, please feel free to e-mail me.

Thanks,
Susan