11 year old stepson summer from Hello=

16 years ago

Please tell me that I am not the only step parent that faces these issues, and if anyone has similar stories or advice please send it my way..brief summery

hubby and I hav been married since 2003 step son was born in 1999. I have 3 children they were 6 (twins ) and 8 when hubby and I married he adopted them shortly after we were married. steo son lived in england for 4 years we saw him once or twice ayear then he moved to arizona( mother in Airforce) since he started school we were limited to summers only.he was a beautiful child we had a wonderful relationship until ...

1. 2007 step son @ 7year old began to see a change ... a back talking . direpectful only a couple of times. hedid tell me that his mother hated me becase she did not know me.wow .. right@

2. 2008 more disrespect lots of back talking , angery all the time. mean to brothers and sister. mean to me when I tried to tell hubby he did not beleive me because this child had always been an angel. note: he would not act this way around anyone but me and the kids... really two faced. so the last day of summer I video taped him yelling at me and admittig he tried to choke his brother . when I showed my husband he was speechless and so sorry fornot believing me .

3.2009 the worst year ever. hubby knew his behavior but ss was still very sly.. he tryied to run away from me, treated to kill himself, stole my phone nd told me is was gonna call 911 for child abuse( neve touched child) told me that he only had to listen to his mom his dad and his step dad not me ... that i was nothing to him we did not have the same bloodrunning through our veins.He hated me wished his dad andI never got married. he hated hisbrothers nd sister .he tol the kids that he was the real son not them and that my hubby was his real dad not theirs. ( their dad died) ss does not return our calls through out the year we do not see him for 10 months , he does not call us, return messages from facebook or myspace, or email he told us he was to busy to call us.

2010 he is alost 12 now and when he wants something he calls his dad DA DA.. the step father told my hubby that he calls him DADA too.he is almost 12 years old. He lies to his dad about me telling him that I said stuff I did not say.. hubby questions me in front of him . he said we must love the other kids more because they have toys in their rooms and he does not( because we send everything home with him , he is not here for 10 months a year)it is a constent battle this year my kids went to spend the summer with my mom in FLorida because they can not deal with him more . they are 16 and 13 now. fights ...fights.. the whole summer he plays my husband but he feels guilty i guess becuase this is the only time he gets to see him. THis child is getting worse every year and i am losing it just thinking about him coming home next summer .. help any suggestions would be greatly welcomed.

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Comments (8)

catlettuce
16 years ago
My advise would be go with your kids & leave DH to it.
The kid sounds like he has some severe behavioral issues, however I would just not want to deal with it. I'm so sorry. Awful situation.
-Cat
ceph
16 years ago
Well, looking at the timeline, I wouldn't say that MINOR versions of these behaviors are out of whack for his age...
8 and 9 - mouthing off and being able to turn the mouthiness on and off when it suits him.
10 and 11 - using button-pressing and manipulation to get his way or retaliate when he feels slighted for some reason.
BUT, the degree you've described isn't normal and that needs to change.

What, specifically, would you like to see change? Obviously you want SS to not do these things anymore, but what level of changes are you willing to make? What about DH?
If we know what your goals and limitations are, maybe we can give concrete suggestions?
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Tough one! My son (34) had bi-polar disorder and ADD, he can be very abusive, loud, and disruptive when not on medications. When on his meds, he's the nicest guy you'd ever want to meet. Being on the "Mom" side of the issue, I can say that Mom's have to set boundries, absolutely No gray areas. No visits unless he is on his medications, any abusive behavior towards spouse will not be tolerated! No name calling, etc. Mom needs to wise up. If she continually allows SS to cause chaos when he comes, the behavior will only escalate, and SS will continue to control the hosuehold and your marriage. The worst thing Mom's can do for their mentally ill kids, is accept bad or destructive behavior. They will never learn to interact with society if this continues. My son learned the hard way, destructive behavior in my home, got him arrested. Yes, I did have him arrested. A number of times, he needed to suffer the consequences of his behavior in order to grow, become more responsible, and to function in society. These kids can take control of their illnesses, but why should they if Mommy is always going to protect them, and clean up after them. Bad move, it does nothing to help them become adults. My son has spent time in jail, paid large fines, and had been on probation. Best thing that could have happened to him. He's doing so much better now, acting normally, appropriate, much more responsible, and most importantly not blaming everyone else for his unacceptable behavior. My H is very cruel to him at times, name calling, (when he's symptomatic) this rips your heart out. H is an walking rectum. Horrible names, yet I insist that my son treat him with respect, or get out. No punches pulled. It's for his own good. Mom needs to demonstrate a united front with you. Or SS will continue to reek havoc in the home. Eventually her son will end up in trouble as he gets older bad behavior is not tolerated by law enforcement or society. Mom needs to know that you care about her son, (that is so very important) that you want her son to live a happy and well adjusted life, and her inability to recognize she is not helping him in the least by denying the behavior is going to result in much more pain and suffering for her son. Tell her she needs to look at it from a different perspective, be honest and ask herself, what would she tell a friend to do if they had these circumstances. She needs to work with a therapist, I did for 7 years. Mom's notoriously feel responsible for disturbed kids, I always wondered what did I do wrong? It isn't my fault that my son is ill, it's genetic, there are three bi-polar kids in the family, two have done jail time. My son is the sickest. Yet, he's managed to get his act together and is living a much more productive life. Only because I will not go along with the behavior. I use to, and it was a nightmare, what a horrible existence that was. My son was a cruel, abusive, irresponsible jerk. When I changed MY BEHAVIOR, it was like night and day. H doesn't interact with him too often, but my son treats him with respect, kindness and thoughtfulness. He is no longer threatened that my H is going to "take me away from him." Which can be the reason he is acting out in your home. Fear of abandonment. Let your wife know that you want to see her son happy and well-adjusted, and that you want to support him in any way you can, but you are helpless to do anything if one or both of you remain in denial. Also, tell her how denial can hurt him in the long run. Suggest attending therapy together, and by all means, do not attack her son, Mom's tend to be very protective of their ill children. They (mom) needs support and understanding, even when they are doing it wrong. My H threatened to shoot my son! My son would never hurt anyone, but that's what I had to fear, he even asked a deputy sheriff, if he had the "right to defend himself?" Which is absurd, telling a Mom that "I'll shoot the f-----," is a horrible thing to say. Not to mention ignorant. I resent my H for saying things like this. Not to mention fear for my son's well-being. Good luck and hang in there, it is difficult to change Mom's behavior, she has to do that. Keep in mind, she can change, however, she needs to see how her denial and accomodations of her sons behavior is hurting him as well as your marriage.
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Hello End... I'm not a step parent, but one of my children was not motivated to continue his education either...I gave him a deadline to either get back into school or get a job. Because no one is allowed to retire at the age of 17 in our household. The date rolls around and I find him packing his things... I know he thought I'd cave, possibly extend his deadline or ignore it. He stayed with a buddy and his mother for a month or so and then ended up sleeping in the forest for a month or so!! I had to keep my mouth shut. Can you imagine? When I told my child he must move out, my mind played crazy games...I imagined him as a 5 year old pounding on the door telling me he was scared and hungry. That was 15 yrs. ago. He is doing just fine, not a rocket scientist (but I'd already known that:)) yet he lives in his own place, works and is a productive kind human being. You said "He just keeps getting worse and worse, and more spiteful..... even when his dad tries to discipline him he will come out and say, it is your responsibility to support me so you have to let me stay here and feed me and clothe me...." Providing a SAFE place to rest his head is your ONLY responsibility. Years ago a friend asked me to attend a Tough Love seminar...eye opening to say the least! Many insightful suggestions, (although some too rigid for our style)but one that resonated was that as long as you provide an under aged child with an address (friend, shelter, family member) to go to, your legal obligations as a parent are fulfilled. So, if rules are being broken, simply tack a note with the address of the safe house of your choice and lock the door. We are NOT obligated to fulfill their every anticipated desire or whim. And I'm just as guilty as the last/next parent of my generation by spoiling our kids into this self absorbed mess some of them are in. I'm not an advocate for the totality of Tough Love, because the authors were dealing with much, much more than an unmotivated child...but some of the ideas are interesting to say the least. Here is a link that might be useful: Tough Love
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coppergirl520
Original Author
16 years ago
To be honest, one of two things. We have very good kids. I really mean that manners, respect, we teach that you treat others the way you want to be treated. I am tough on my kids but is because I want them to be a positive contribution to the world . When I say tough I will explain ... each one of my kids is different what works with one does not work with the other. I believe that If I tell them to jump they should not question me . because I am only trying to help them. perfect example .. we were walking around a pond a few years ago and I spotted a snake I was unable to go into detail about the snakc with the kids but , because they listen I simply said stop . and without backtalk or question we avoided a bad situation. I am unable to get ss to listen. he back talks , is disrespectful . I can not deal with these actions and my kids see this and they begin to push the bar .. i do not have the time with him to help him and his mother denies anything is wrong .. I want to help him but can not , because he is only here for 7 weeks a year. I want him to feel at home , I want to treat him like the other children but I can not . The other kids respect us , he does not. I guess maybe to see what other people have done in this situation.and get some advice . part of me just wants to take my kids when he gets here and leave , i love my husband and I know he is stuck and I know that one day this will not be an issue/ Will he ever just stop coming to visit? DOes this happen?
caphillsm
16 years ago
I think you should recommend to DH that SS get counseling. he really needs it to work through his obvious issues. DH may also want to meet with someone at his school about it. Unfortunately this could escalate into juvenile delinquency if not addressed. You said he tried to kill himself? He was immediately put into counseling after that, right?
mattie_gt
16 years ago
There's a couple of things that stand out to me. I think, besides your SS needing counseling, your DH and you need counseling as well. He should not be questioning you in front of SS.

Is SS still not returning messages/calls? I see a huge problem with that as well - an 11 year old does not get to decide to not communicate with their father, and his mother should be held accountable for allowing him to behave that way. What is this child being told that makes him think that that is acceptable behavior?
justmetoo
16 years ago
I rather feel a bit sorry for the boy. Not saying his behavior is correct or should be acceptable, but trying to look at this from a kids point of view, it's gotta be tough for this boy only seeing his father once a year (for 7 weeks) and being expected to suddenly adjust for those weeks into a completely different role.

It sounds like the father is at work at least a good share of the 7 weeks the child does 'visit'. Is it possible for dad to arrangement a good stretch of vacation time during this 7 weeks? Dad needs to be the one spending the majority of the time with the child.

I think it's a big order to automatically expect the child to react and behavior exactly as his stepsiblings do. He's not been raised in the same manner, and your husband is leaving it to you to do the adjusting situation. Totally unfair to you, the child and your children.

Perhaps two or three visits a year would work better...no clue as to what kind of earned time off your husband gets or what kind of flexible postion he works...but several smaller visits maybe arranged around the child's school holidays would give the father and child more father/son/family time and experiences.

The child sounds terribly jealous and resentful. Yet it's you left dealing with it.

I doubt things will get better or much if anything can be worked out concerning interrelationships the way things stand on. I think counseling for the child might be a good idea, but if he truly is a well behaved, mannered, basically trouble/problem free child 10 months of the year while at mom's, the child is not going to readily see himself as the 'bad guy'.

I also think that joint counseling between you and the father is a good suggestion. While you may have no problems/issues raising your household 10 months a year while it is just your kids , you and the stepdad/husband, there appears to be a total fallout when it comes to the other 7 weeks a year. Dad and you need to learn how to work together for this 7 weeks or dad needs to be the one home with the child doing the day in day out stuff. Until that happens you're going to be viewed (to the child) as just the 'evil stepmom' who means squat to him and he can and does dismiss at will.
coppergirl520
Original Author
16 years ago
Thank you so much for all the replies. let me hit a few issus. after ss threatedto kill himself we did take him to cousiling one time and then he had to go home to his mother she refuses to admit anything is wrong with him so of course it must be something WE are doing. My heart hurts for this child so deeply yet i am torn bewteen what i want to do and what I really can do. I want him to come live with us so we can help him .. this is not going to happen though. i fee like i chase my tail ..the time is so short to change anything with him or help him . and if thre is any change by the time we see it is time for him to go home. the travel from his home to ours is 2000 miles we can not have small visits by the time he gets here it would be time to go home. This summer my husband was off all summer he had surgery and because of his profession he wasnot allowed to go back to work until he was 100% no light duty. the other kids were in school for the first 3 weeks of the visit. I let the two of them bond.witout me..just father and son.no change in behavior still disrespectful.even worse when he was headed home he told me he was mad at his dad cause he did not spend anytime with him.. they spent almost 6 weeks together. remember my kids went to my moms for a month .. if there was going to be a time that they could bond it would have been this summer. he had been gone 5 weeks and again no calls nothing. altough it is not right for him to not call to courts will not do anything about it. we live so far apart we are not involved with school or anything. it is tough but it is my dh son and i love him. you are rightfor 10 months out of th year my home is blissful but the time that he is here my life is hell.
lonepiper
16 years ago
Ditto to what Justmetoo said. It's so easy to see the behavioral problems yet sometimes we need to look deeper and find the root cause... Whatever he's going through will follow him into adulthood and color his entire perception if it is not dealt with. It seems to me that the majority of the problems revolve around his relationship with his father - maybe him and his father need to take a one-on-one vacation together (camping, etc.). The other kids get a father all year round, he gets to share his father with the other kids for 7 measly weeks.

11 year old stepson summer from Hello=

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catlettuce

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11 year old stepson summer from Hello=

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catlettuce

ceph

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